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  1. #1
    Stood in the Fire Rafax's Avatar
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    IS this domestic violence?

    So I'm not the first to come here for help and advice and after 2 months I finaly decided to post and ask, so this is as follows im now 18 and my gf is 16 we started dating when I was still 17 and its been going on for nearly a year now, this is just for some insight on the situation.
    We leave apart from each other( around 35 kilometers aways from each other) after a few months of dating we started sleeping over each other's house during the weekends which was ok with both my mother and her grandmother(and her husband that has nothing to do with her family) that she lives with because of past family issues.

    All of this was always ok up untill recently, her grandmother that she has lived with since she was born was always quite rought with her, she actually hit her when she was like 8 and all, but that stopped for a few years, her grandmother is the kind of person that will get angry with anything in her life and dump everything on someone else, in this case my gf, this was fine since it was just the usual rant.

    Now my gf got sick a few months back, she has been having stomach problems and the doctors cant find out what it is, since she leaves in a small town and my mother works at the hospital here, she ended up coming here to the hospital since we could have her checked up much faster and all, she actually came here 2 times and stayed over for the night and went back the day after.
    Now the forth time she came over here they suspected she had a bacteria but had to confirm with further exams that were schedualed for this month, also for some reason her grandmother wanted to come pick her up on purpose later in the day after the apointment just so she couldnt stay here and she said she'd call later for us to meet her and for my gf to go home.

    Seems all fine, we went out to lunch at a restaurant since we didnt have actual food at my house that day and she needed it due to her stomach problems, at like 4 pm she gets a call from her grandmother who instantly freaked out and said something like "Where the fuck are you, werent you suposed to call me to come home you idiot, are you kidding with me or something?" before my gf even said anything her grandmother said "Go to hell" and hung up.
    My gf started crying now knowing what happened and after a bit we called back, her grandmom picked up and started screaming again "you fucking liars you're not sick, you've just been lying to me to stay there, if you dont come back right now by bus ill beat the hell out of you and throw you out of the house". After all this i called my mother so she could speak with my gf's grandmom and confirm that we've actually been to the doctor and all, my gf went home scared as hell of getting beat up and there was nothing we could do.
    Since this happened things have been terrible at her house, shes treated like crap, they yell at her for no good reason, if the dogs do something wrong she has to fix it, if her grandmother has to go somewhere she has do all of the stuff at home etc...

    It got even worst after my gfs grandmother broke her hip and had to go to the hospital, and shes being taken care of by my gf's grandmother and things are hard since the old lady is just a pain in the ass to deal with, every single time my gfs grandmother comes home she screams at her, wants her to cook, clean the house, wash the dishes, take the dogs out 4 times a day( she already did this, but it was 50-50 between both of them) and any little mistake anyone does at home my gf is blamed for, yelled at, insulted until she calls me crying because of it, every single day.
    And for the past days its gotten even worst, my gfs grandmother also took care of an older lady at night, and they were good friends, but 4 days ago the lady in question passed away which means she lost her extra job(shes retired) that brought some money home.
    Since then she has been completly impossible to put up with, she insults my girlfriend, and she even started insulting me too after i tried to calmly speak with her about the way things have been going.

    Even worst she has been denying food and money from my gf, she gets alot less food for lunch/dinner while her grandmother and husband dont, and she is yelled and threathened if she asks for some soop/rice or anything to eat since they arent giving her enough, they also eat before she gets home from schooll and have been leaving almost nothing for her to have.

    Now 2 days ago she asked if I could come over there to spend the day and all(as usual, i normaly go there mid of the week since she has no classes and 1 or 2 weekends, she does the other weekends), her grandmother insisted on saying that she didnt like me anymore but agreed on me going there, suddenly her husband start screaming saying no one can ever come over again, not me or anyone else, and actually went after my gf and tried to hit her and couldnt because my gf ran, all this infront of her grandmother who watched calmly and after said she didnt care about it at all(she used to get mad at her husband if he even screamed at my gf since hes not actualy related to her and he never wanted to help take care of her) but this time she didnt even care, after this happened i got a call from my gf crying once again saying she couldnt take this anymore, she has been feeling worst and worst with all these problems that are actually affecting her health, and to add to that her grandmother refuses to give her any money for her to eat at school apart from her monthly allowance of 20 euros( not even enough for her to pay for the trips here, or even eat for 2 weeks), she also wants to take down her internet that she direly need for her schoolwork that is all taken care of online while keeping any other service that she or her husband benefit of.

    To top this off, her grandmother's husband has always been extremly rude with me and my girlfriend, hes drunk 2 out of 3 days, spends all of his day smoking and sleeping and doenst care about anything else then controling the money spent at the house for everyone apart from him.

    Now what I ask is what can I do here? I'm pretty sure the pshycological attacks, the insults, the peer pressure and teh recent denial of food can all be seens as domestic violence, its actually specified in the law here as neglicence(for the food) and pshychic agression and denial of freedom for the rest.
    I actually have to do something here because I'm afraid that with all the pressure at home, her being sick and the added problems brought on by school, my gf is nearly at a point of either going insane or killing herself with pills which she has actually already considered which is why i came here. Should I just file a complaint with the police and have them help with this or are these events not enough to justify it?

    Edit:Also for the past 2 days her grandmother actually threathened throwing her out again, twice, and told she would do it to some people she knows, including my gf's ex rugby coach that has been like a father for her and has been paying her mobile phone bills and giving her money so she can eat at school seeing as her grandmother doenst do any of that.
    Last edited by Rafax; 2013-01-24 at 03:13 AM.

  2. #2
    Sounds like emotional abuse =/

    Don't know where you are, so not too sure what you can do or what services you can rely on. Given that she's in school, I assume there's someone at the school who you can talk to? They probably can give you more concrete advice on what actions to take than the forum.

  3. #3
    Stood in the Fire Rafax's Avatar
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    She is in school and i dont know if they have anyone she can talk too since its just a small town, i live in portugal and the law actually seems to classify these as abuse, she has also had a terrible family past since her mother was like 23 and a drug addict and actualy tried to sell her to a gypsy family for drug money, she ended up with her grandmother but it didnt get much better it seems...

  4. #4
    Why have you not tried to move her out of there yet?

  5. #5
    I'd suggest talking to a teacher first. If there's a guidance councillor or equivalent, the teacher can point you in the right direction.

  6. #6
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    It'd be worth talking to the police. You don't have to go there on a witch hunt, but you can inquire.

    I'd definitely push counselling at the school, because they probably deal with this sort of thing on a regular basis.

  7. #7
    Stood in the Fire Rafax's Avatar
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    The main thing stopping me atm is the following:
    1- They can try and spin everything against me since im 18 and shes still under age, not to worried about this one but still.
    2-My gf is terrified that we might try something, it might go wrong and thing et even worst at home, she's also scared of ending up on some kind of orphanage since she has no family to stay with and she might not be able to stay with me or someone else.

  8. #8
    Is there any reason she can't stay with you, provided things is working out fine for the two of you, in case some grown ups/teachers can't help?
    I don't really know how it works at you, but here people usually listen to a 16 year old girl if she tells a story like that.
    Everyone has so much to say
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  9. #9
    Stood in the Fire Rafax's Avatar
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    Well we have some witnesses that saw some of these things happen, my mother has seen her cry after receiving calls from her grandmother insulting and threathening her and she is always aware of everything going on, we are just thinking of everything we do next and this has all gotten worst so fast that we havent even had time to react, I only posted to see the opinions of others since we might just not be seeing things well or something, but i believe we are but still people here might have some insight and tips that can actually help us out.

  10. #10
    If your girlfriend's ex rugby coach has been providing for her, why hasn't she stayed with him?

    It's a lot of your word against an old lady who serves as the guardian for your girlfriend. If you can prove, or better yet provide evidence, that abuse is occurring, impairing, and endangering the health of your girlfriend, don't see why the police or authority figure wouldn't step in.

  11. #11
    Yeah that's abuse, sounds like the grandmother has one of those controlling personality disorders. Very traumatic for the poor girl living with her

  12. #12
    Stood in the Fire Rafax's Avatar
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    He has been providing for her with some things, but no one realy knows since the old lady in question hates him without a real reason too, the only real proof we have is the story, the calls if theres anyway that we can get some kind of record of them, the various appointments and well a few friends, me and my mother as witnesses to alot of things, im just not sure if this is enough, most cases only get taken serious after someone gets actually hurt.

    Oh now that you metion disorder, we have actually suspected about something for some time, apart from all this she also has enormous mood swings, an example would be , treating you fine and playing around one day and treating you like shit the day after withouth even speaking or seeing her.
    Last edited by Rafax; 2013-01-24 at 03:52 AM.

  13. #13
    You do also have the word of your mother too, that had to call them, to tell she actually had been sick. So you're not all alone there.
    Sounds like you have a rather good case.
    Mostly you have to decide what to do about it if you actually go through with it and win the case. Will she have a place to stay? Either by people she know, or from the state?

    But again. You should really talk with a teacher or something like that first, since they usually know how those things goes.
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  14. #14
    Stood in the Fire Rafax's Avatar
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    Well i guess this is all I need, i jsut needed some kind of reality check from people not involved to see if its not just us thinking this, we realy dont know about where she can stay, I mean from a financial point of view there would be no real problem with her staying with me per example, but i dont know if thats allowed or if theres some specific law that stops it from happening. Anyway i thank all of you who have given your opinion, its definitly something that helps me feel a bit more secure about actualy pushing this complaint.

  15. #15
    Quite the situation you and your gf is in.

    Try to get a hold of a legal department of some kind/the police and see if you're within grounds to actually file for domestic abuse? I seriously doubt that the court will rule in favor of her grandparents, seeing as there is probably some sort of evidence present, as well as she (what I guess) HAS to have the final say of where and with who she wants to stay, given sufficient reasoning which shouldn't be much an issue in this case.

    Either way, there's no way in hell she can stay there for that much longer. :/ Try to get the ball rolling as soon as possible, preferably yesterday.

    I hope things do work out for her, and for Darwin's sake do keep us updated. I want to know how this turns out.
    Quote Originally Posted by Creeper View Post
    It's not right, but it's not really frowned upon so much either. A man hits a woman and he's a terrible excuse for a human being and should be put in jail. A woman hits a man and the man is a wimp for feeling pain.

    Either way, if you have a penis, you lose.

  16. #16
    Banned This name sucks's Avatar
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    You should probably mention the ages and country involved.

  17. #17
    Stood in the Fire Rafax's Avatar
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    Thank you all realy for the support and opinions, ill be talking seriously with her tomorow and we will atleast go to the police and ask some questions about this situation, once again thanks for proving that the mmo-champion community is full of good people.

    Methanar: but I did XD

  18. #18
    Brewmaster Jigowatt's Avatar
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    If the grandmother is threatening her with being kicked out, why don't you just let her stay with you?

  19. #19
    Stood in the Fire Rafax's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eowenn View Post
    If the grandmother is threatening her with being kicked out, why don't you just let her stay with you?
    I'd love for her to stay with me, but shes never actually been kicked out so i cant just bring her with me, if she was actually kicked out this wouldnt even be up for discussion but untill now its just been alot of emotional abuse and agression.

  20. #20
    Will she be 17soon? If so look up your state laws. She may be able to move out at 17 and the cops wont be able to do anything. Second, if she is above the age of consent (from a sexual perspective) they can't do anything to begin with. Some states have it if you are within X years of the person if you are below a certain age. Usually 21. Third, try and record some of these conversations. If you can hear the grandma threatening in the background during the call, Record it. Then you at least have prove of emotional abuse.

    Even if she is scared you all may try something and it would fail, she needs to consider her safety. Her grandmothers is not a safe place for her to be with them acting like that. Emotional abuse can be just as devastating if not worse at times then physical abuse. I would have a serious talk with her about moving out when she is 17 if your state allows for it.

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