The Unrealistic List of Relationship Standards.

[SvetlanaSvetlana]

Ever since I can remember, I've had a very unrealistic set of standards I have for people to have a romantic relationship for me. It's glaringly obvious, even to me, that this is simply a defense mechanism: If you set the bar so high that no one can reach, you won't get hurt.

Generally speaking, I'm okay with just about anyone when it comes to a friendship basis. I'm always reaching out to people and trying to make acquaintances or friends. I have a motto I tell the people around me "You will probably have an issue with me LONG before I have an issue with you". With that being said, I do have people I dislike, but they really have to have personally wronged me in order for me to hate them.

I feel as if I'm at a point in my life where I need to spread my 'wings' and pursue an amorical relationship. If I wait any longer, my inexperience will greatly hinder my ability to find someone suitable, but I don't think I can do this without getting over my 'list' first. Problem is, this list has made my standards of people border on being downright shallow.

For sake of clarity, here's my list of standards, and what flaws I feel they have:
- I'm a very visual person, and will judge people on their looks without even thinking of it. Some of my best friends did not pass my initial 'visual' test, so I'm very aware that beauty is only skin deep. I'm also a 4-6 (might be rounding up or down, trying not to be biased or vain) so I can't necessarily expect to score a solid 10.
- I have a very strong sense of self, which can often be mistaken for narcissism or vanity. When meeting new people, I compulsively compare them to myself, and whether they are superior, inferior, or equal to me. Also, people will tell me a sad story, and I will give them a story of mine to give them insight on their story. I am aware that talking about yourself so often makes people resentful of you. I believe the issue here is the amount of selfishness I've been allotted, and if I am put in a situation where I care more about someone or something else, my narcissism will mellow out.
- I'm fear rejection, as it poisons my ego. I've taken the easy route here to avoid rejection, by saying "well, if someone asks ME out, I'll go, but I'm not asking ANYONE" but as a guy, it is my duty to ask someone out, according to social stereotypes.
- It's very hard for me to simply let things happen, because I am unable to relax for any reason, and I over think simple thoughts. If approached with a romantic situation, I tense up, and can't be casual about anything without sounding like a pretentious douchebag.
- I'm fairly observant and analytical. It takes me about 4 seconds to run someone I meet down my list, assess their intelligence, and compare it to mine. It used to be a running joke with some of my old friends, where they would ask "okay, so what was wrong with that guy?" after passing someone in the mall, to which I would have about 10 different things I noticed about them, all in like a 4 second encounter.

Our society puts such a high strain on judging people based on any proverbial flaw they might have, that it's hard for me to catch when I'm being judgmental or unrealistically shallow. I have to do a lot of introspection in order to stop myself from being rude to someone based on my snap judgements of them.

Keep in mind, I'm not necessarily looking for relationship help here. I feel as if I need to work out my interpersonal issues before I can effectively function in a 2-part relationship. I just want to hear ya'lls take on my situation.

[Crissi]

To simplify it, it sounds like you have a case of too much brain power, not enough heart power. Sometimes it doesnt hurt to just listen, unless they actually ask you for advice or comment.

[Antheris]

Honestly, I think it can be simplified even further to 3 words.

- I'm fear rejection

You fear rejection. That is common with every person on this planet regardless of if they will admit it or not. Everything else I read there either seems like an excuse / rationalization, but all stemming back to the same fear of rejection. I think you just need to take a deep breath, relax, and try to not let that fear stop you. Baby steps, build confidence and go from there.

I assume that since this is an mmo forum you play (or have played) an mmo at some point in your life. Look at it this way, you wouldn't not speak up in trade chat back in the day when lfg'ing for fear of the people rejecting you would you? No! You would say 'i'll join' and have fun / enjoy the game! Think of life as said game, meeting people as the lfg in trade chat, and go out and enjoy your life! (And stop worrying about being rejected. Sure some people will, but so what if they do, they are not worth your time!)

Just my 2c.

[Ashnazg]

Do the same thing I did - sacrifice.

I found a girl who is really sweet, good looking, and basically worships me. I don't love her because she doesn't share my main passion - science, and she doesn't quite have the education or the brainpower to hang with my usual friends, but I keep them separate. I hang out with my coworkers and friends on some days of the week, and with her on others, and keep the two worlds separate.

You just gotta see usefulness in people, regardless of their flaws, and figure out ways to extract value.

[Stir]

You might just want to start caring less about what is 'expected' and care more about your fellow person. Try to see the world through another person's eyes before viewing them through your own.

Personally, it sounds to me as if you're someone who has become incredibly self-centered and even spiteful, turning to such shallowness and, yes, apparent hostility as a self-defense mechanism. Ask yourself: Is this really me, or is it merely how I deal with fears from the past?

[Prokne]

- I'm fairly observant and analytical. It takes me about 4 seconds to run someone I meet down my list, assess their intelligence, and compare it to mine. It used to be a running joke with some of my old friends, where they would ask "okay, so what was wrong with that guy?" after passing someone in the mall, to which I would have about 10 different things I noticed about them, all in like a 4 second encounter.

How can you possibly determine someones intelligence in 4 seconds? Maybe after a single conversation in which you debate a few things but in 4 sec all you can say is "Hi my name is..."

You can probably find something annoying about how someone talks pretty fast but it wouldnt necessarily have anything to do with intelligence.

So what Im saying is you are probably passing on people for things that arent true just because you dont take any time to really analyze them.

[raechuul]

Keep in mind, I'm not necessarily looking for relationship help here. I feel as if I need to work out my interpersonal issues before I can effectively function in a 2-part relationship. I just want to hear ya'lls take on my situation.

This is awesome and more people should take this journey. Working on yourself as a person is an absolute necessity before you enter a relationship.

[LilSaihah]

How can you possibly determine someones intelligence in 4 seconds? Maybe after a single conversation in which you debate a few things but in 4 sec all you can say is "Hi my name is..."

You can probably find something annoying about how someone talks pretty fast but it wouldnt necessarily have anything to do with intelligence.

So what Im saying is you are probably passing on people for things that arent true just because you dont take any time to really analyze them.

How they dress, how well they take care of their appearance, their hairstyle, body shape.

They might not be -accurate- but they can be read into. You're probably going to think somebody wearing a suit and glasses is smarter than someone with their basketball shorts halfway down their butt.

[vizzle]

You sound annoying and I think you need to be taken down a notch or two. Just being honest. How to fix yourself? I think you need to broaden your scope. This goes much deeper than relationship issues but issues with how you see the world and its denizens. Travel a bit and go see other cultures. Do something you know nothing about. See things you didn't know you could see.

[draganid]

Do the same thing I did - sacrifice.

I found a girl who is really sweet, good looking, and basically worships me. I don't love her because she doesn't share my main passion - science, and she doesn't quite have the education or the brainpower to hang with my usual friends, but I keep them separate. I hang out with my coworkers and friends on some days of the week, and with her on others, and keep the two worlds separate.

You just gotta see usefulness in people, regardless of their flaws, and figure out ways to extract value.

sounds like relationship advice my dad gave me when i got dumped for the first time when i was 16, "it isnt about who you want to love the most so much as it is who loves you the most"

[Prokne]

How they dress, how well they take care of their appearance, their hairstyle, body shape.

They might not be -accurate- but they can be read into. You're probably going to think somebody wearing a suit and glasses is smarter than someone with their basketball shorts halfway down their butt.

Also doesnt tell you how intelligent they are. You are just assuming based on stereotypes about clothing. Fashion is more about how they see themselves in society. So the guy sagging and wearing a basketball jersey thinks hes a gangster and the guy wearing a suit wants to convey that he has a job(even if he doesnt). They could both be smart or dumb. If you want a good smart guy stereotype, look for the guy wearing clothes that look like they are from Target or JCPenny and are generally clean looking but not groomed perfectly.