Girlfriend seems unreasonably pissed off at me

[Arngrim310]

^^^^^^^So much this, time to quit working a (admittedly assumed) night shift job with part time hours, get a regular persons job, and start spending the rest of the week with her. That way you can do your acting thing on whatever day you like and you will have an actual life together on other days of the week...

Did people not read the thread? I am in school from 9am to 2pm and work from 4-10. I don't have all day to do nothing. Also, outside of professional theater, all theater is rehearsed at night, primarily on weekends.

We did manage to talk a bit and things are smoothing out. She ditched me today to try to make a point but she ended up feeling worse. I told her I had no problem with adjusting my schedule as much as I can to see her since we are losing those 6 or 7 hours on Sundays, but she understands I can't change my work schedule at the moment. So it's a take it as it goes situation for the time being. Luckily the weather will be nice at the time and she was talking about taking the puppy out for walks and stuff on sundays to keep busy till I get home.

[stuck4cash]

Did people not read the thread? I am in school from 9am to 2pm and work from 4-10. I don't have all day to do nothing. Also, outside of professional theater, all theater is rehearsed at night, primarily on weekends.

We did manage to talk a bit and things are smoothing out. She ditched me today to try to make a point but she ended up feeling worse. I told her I had no problem with adjusting my schedule as much as I can to see her since we are losing those 6 or 7 hours on Sundays, but she understands I can't change my work schedule at the moment. So it's a take it as it goes situation for the time being. Luckily the weather will be nice at the time and she was talking about taking the puppy out for walks and stuff on sundays to keep busy till I get home.

Now that she's talking to you again, do something special to thank her for being patient etc etc. You'll be in her good books, she'll see that you still care about her and she'll be less hostile towards you doing it.

Probably best to do it all while she's at work and you're at home on your free day to show that you're thinking of her while she's at work.

To be honest though, be careful if she complains about losing part/all of a Sunday with you. It's important that you do things that you enjoy as much as possible, just make sure you do your best to try and include her so she doesn't feel left out and if she gets stand-offish or refuses to talk to you then you need to deal with that immediately as it's a big problem.

[Sooba]

Yes doing amateur theater is considered a hobby... And it is obviously not something his heart is bleeding to do, since he has gone a year without it, it's a side hobby he liked to do in the past. He has the entire day off and he can't find a way to indulge in this passionate past time activity during any of these hours then he is either not trying or just doesn't care about the person he lives with. It has nothing to do with redefining yourself in a romantic relationship, it has everything to do with not wanting to compromise even the slightest when they already have a schedule problem and he even has more free time then she does <.<

How about actually reading the whole thread before you make an ass of yourself? OP clearly said he has school 9-2, work 4-10. That's not tons of free time. And citing the length of time someone has gone without something they enjoy as evidence that they don't actually enjoy it "that much" is ridiculous.

[Redmage]

I mean, I can understand her being upset, but she seems to have way overreacted.

Is her attending rehearsals out of the question? If its an amatuer thing could she not volunteer to help in some way? Just wondering if there isn't some way this still couldn't be a you guys together thing.

[Gandrake]

have you tried telling her that she's being more selfish than you are

let her be mad about it, who gives a fuck. go do your thing. If you can't get past this, there's no way it would have ever worked out.

[Alcsaar]

Your first goal in life should be to better yourself, not make your girlfriend happy. You should always be actively working on becoming a more successful or happy person. If she is actively "career" blocking you, that is incredibly selfish of her and honestly, I'd end the relationship there.

You don't build your life around relationships, you enjoy relationships with some one when it fits in with your schedule. When that stops working, the relationship does as well.

[Rendia]

She needs to get over it or over you, I think.

It isn't that big of a deal.

[Deleted]

Seems like a typical girl thing. When she has stuff to do it doesn´t matter what you do, but when she has nothing to do you better not have anything to do either. Tell her to get a life or at least a hobby.

[Deleted]

So I have informed my friends of the situation and they all agree with me, but that's what friends do; so I wanted to get some opinions from people "outside" the situation.

So my girlfriend and I live together but work opposite schedules. She works 6-2 and I work 4-10. We don't see each other everyday save for in the morning and when I go to bed. However we both have Sundays and Wednesdays off together and I don't work Thursdays either so we spend that together too when she gets home. I have a few hobbies, online gaming (which I never play when we are both home together unless she is in bed and I am still up) and local theater with a group of friends I have been performing with for years. Now the thing is that I haven't done a show for almost a full year (the majority of the time we have been together) and recently I had auditioned for two shows, one opens this month, the other in June. She wasn't happy as they rehearse one day a week but it's on Sunday and takes up a decent chunk of the day (10-5). So I knew she was upset that we wouldn't have Sundays together for a while so I dropped out of the one opening this month.

Rehearsals for the next one go 8 weeks and start in May, but like I said, only one day a week. She says that I am being selfish and only thinking about myself by planning something on "one of our days". I feel like she is being unfair as I am not asking to do 8 shows a year, this will be my first one since last spring. It escalated so fast that she now tells me she doesn't give a shit what I do is now blowing me off today because she "can be busy too". I don't feel like I'm asking a lot to take up some time on Sundays for a few weeks on a hobby I love and have done my whole life.

Am I being selfish and just not noticing? Any advice from anyone that may have had a similar situation?

You're not being selfish at all.

I suggest telling her you will make up the time by taking her out or doing something special on your other day off with her.

[Silhouette of Seraphim]

This should explain everything:

~snipped

Infracted - please avoid memes and post constructively

[Azgarde]

I am very surprised by how many "Dump Her" and "Don't mind her" I've seen in this thread. That might explain the high % of divorces we are seeings nowadays. How are you supposed to keep a relationship going if you always think "Dump Her" and "Don't mind her" ? It's a relationship. It involves 2 people. 2 different people, who share similar interests, but are also different in some ways.

You guys really think not caring about the other is the way to go ? Please, tell me it's a joke. "She doesn't want to let me do what I want ? Insta-dump". So you are telling me that 1) Everything should be tolerated, whatever that might be, 2) You'd let her do exactly what she wants, when she wants ?

So if she ever came to you, telling you about something she wants to do and YOU think it's bad, you'd be right to tell her not to do it, but the other way around doesn't work ?

I've been in a relationship like that for 5 years, and my worst mistake ever will have been to not sacrifice anything. I kept playing wow, I kept playing hockey, I kept working crazy shifts. In the end, we both saw each other only in the morning and at night, and 1 day per week. Since we didn't see each other very much, she ended up spending more time with another dude, and eventually fell in love with him, because HE could bring her what I couldn't: Time and Commitment.

If you can't commit to this relationship, end it up right there. Not because she is being unreasonable, but only because you aren't ready to commit to a full-time relationship.

Edit: I'd like to add one thing. Many people say "It's about becoming a better person yourself, not make her happy". Then if you are making her happy, she'll feel in dept and will eventually give you what you want. If you always take, take, take and never give, she will never want to give. That's how it works. I sense a lot of self-centerism coming out of this thread. Think about the other, jeez. It will come back to you eventually.

[Kurioxan]

I am very surprised by how many "Dump Her" and "Don't mind her" I've seen in this thread. That might explain the high % of divorces we are seeings nowadays. How are you supposed to keep a relationship going if you always think "Dump Her" and "Don't mind her" ? It's a relationship. It involves 2 people. 2 different people, who share similar interests, but are also different in some ways.

You guys really think not caring about the other is the way to go ? Please, tell me it's a joke. "She doesn't want to let me do what I want ? Insta-dump". So you are telling me that 1) Everything should be tolerated, whatever that might be, 2) You'd let her do exactly what she wants, when she wants ?

So if she ever came to you, telling you about something she wants to do and YOU think it's bad, you'd be right to tell her not to do it, but the other way around doesn't work ?

I've been in a relationship like that for 5 years, and my worst mistake ever will have been to not sacrifice anything. I kept playing wow, I kept playing hockey, I kept working crazy shifts. In the end, we both saw each other only in the morning and at night, and 1 day per week. Since we didn't see each other very much, she ended up spending more time with another dude, and eventually fell in love with him, because HE could bring her what I couldn't: Time and Commitment.

If you can't commit to this relationship, end it up right there. Not because she is being unreasonable, but only because you aren't ready to commit to a full-time relationship.

Edit: I'd like to add one thing. Many people say "It's about becoming a better person yourself, not make her happy". Then if you are making her happy, she'll feel in dept and will eventually give you what you want. If you always take, take, take and never give, she will never want to give. That's how it works. I sense a lot of self-centerism coming out of this thread. Think about the other, jeez. It will come back to you eventually.

Exactly, its important to respect boundries but there is also important to understand a relationship isnt built on fairy dust and good will, if you arent there she will find someone who is and i cant blame her to the least.

[Ebildays]

I am very surprised by how many "Dump Her" and "Don't mind her" I've seen in this thread. That might explain the high % of divorces we are seeings nowadays. How are you supposed to keep a relationship going if you always think "Dump Her" and "Don't mind her" ? It's a relationship. It involves 2 people. 2 different people, who share similar interests, but are also different in some ways.

You guys really think not caring about the other is the way to go ? Please, tell me it's a joke. "She doesn't want to let me do what I want ? Insta-dump". So you are telling me that 1) Everything should be tolerated, whatever that might be, 2) You'd let her do exactly what she wants, when she wants ?

So if she ever came to you, telling you about something she wants to do and YOU think it's bad, you'd be right to tell her not to do it, but the other way around doesn't work ?

I've been in a relationship like that for 5 years, and my worst mistake ever will have been to not sacrifice anything. I kept playing wow, I kept playing hockey, I kept working crazy shifts. In the end, we both saw each other only in the morning and at night, and 1 day per week. Since we didn't see each other very much, she ended up spending more time with another dude, and eventually fell in love with him, because HE could bring her what I couldn't: Time and Commitment.

If you can't commit to this relationship, end it up right there. Not because she is being unreasonable, but only because you aren't ready to commit to a full-time relationship.

Edit: I'd like to add one thing. Many people say "It's about becoming a better person yourself, not make her happy". Then if you are making her happy, she'll feel in dept and will eventually give you what you want. If you always take, take, take and never give, she will never want to give. That's how it works. I sense a lot of self-centerism coming out of this thread. Think about the other, jeez. It will come back to you eventually.

You and the OP are not the same person. If someone loves you they don't want you to give up a hobby that you enjoy that is not causing your or them any bodily harm or taking up too much time. She had a chance to change her work schedule not only making more money but getting a step up in her career and be able to spend time with her guy but she choose to think about only her "wants" and not do it. We don't know if she is making changes for him to be able to spend time with her but she started dating someone who she knew had this hobby so to start bitching about him wanting to do his hobby is stupid.

[Taurenburger]

In a relationship, it's important to be able to do something for yourself aswell. You say you really enjoy being in a play and she should accept it. On the other hand, you don't spend much time together and therefore the time that can be spent together is very valuable. You probably see it, but you're doing something for yourself.

There's two sides on this one and both are reasonable. I won't take a side. The only thing you can do about this is talk with her and make compromises.

[Seirith]

OP, I have been in the situation you are in now many times. In fact, I was just in the situation last September-December, a little more than 15 weeks. I worked full time and was a full time graduate student. I left for work at 7am and then left work and went directly to class. On nights when I was home sometimes my husband had to work and he always worked Sundays when I was home too. We had very little time together and sometimes when we were both home I had to do homework. To make things worse I also did some volunteer work in September/October that I had committed to doing the year before, so we saw each other even less during that time. He never once told me to stop doing something or got mad. I enjoyed the volunteer work I did and I had to go to school and work.

Just like my situation,yours is not permanent. You will not be a student forever and the play will not be every Sunday. Once you are done in school you can hopefully find a job that would allow you more time together. Yes, it sucks you can't see each other a lot right now but sometimes part of being an adult is doing things that suck. My husband and I got through our time apart and crazy schedules and this semester I am not working nearly as much.

I can see your point of wanting to be in the play and I can see her point in wanting to be with you because you don't see each other much. I understand and can see both sides so personally I think the biggest red flag with the situation is her refusal to talk to you and the childish "Well I can be busy too" behavior.

I am glad you have been able to talk to her and work things out.

[Deleted]

If she cant talk to you like an adult i would recommend you just give up, cut your losses and move on with your life tbh.

[melkesjokolade]

I can see myself in that situation and if you really love her, you would avoid this fight wich she will be mad about for weeks, try to make it work somehow, find a different day, make agreements.
She doesnt wanna talk because she truly wants your attention, women do the opposite of what they want, if she ignores you, she really wants you to tell her how much you care for her and you want to make things work so dont stop trying. She doesnt like the things you do because she is jealous of you spending your time on something other than her. Yes, women can be jealous of most likely everything, even the food you eat. If she's like me, this is what she is feeling.

Dont listen to this idiots telling you to give up, only do so if you are 100% certain. Always try to understand the woman, its all they want, just try it atleast it shows them that you try to understand. And always sleep before making any hasty decition.

Just make compromises. You take some, you give some, time that is. Time is precious.

[Grummgug]

Im 40 years old and i can tell you that the #1 reason a girl gets unreasonable with her dissatisfaction with your relationship is that she met another guy she likes better.

There may be circumstances preventing her from outright dumping you and being with the other guy. Maybe you have financial commitments. Maybe the other guy hasnt made a move yet and shes waiting.

Basically, girls in this situation get passive aggressive and try to make you the bad guy to make it easier to break it off. She doesnt want to hurt you by dumping you, but if shes checked out of the relationship she may decide to make to thini she is crazy so you arent so hurt when she leaves.

Are you having sex with her? If not, id say the odds of there being another guy is 100%. If you are, its probably only 75%.

---------- Post added 2013-04-22 at 05:43 PM ----------

Ive been on the other side of this situation quite a few times. A girl has a guy, meets me, decides im better, and suddenly shes having irrational problems with her boyfriend. The poor guy is clueless and mystified about what he did wrong. He didnt do anything wrong. She found someone else. Sometimes the girl even uses her bf problems as a way to talk to me.

[Windfury]

Mmmm difficult situation.

Look at it this way, you've given up one of the two days you guys have together leaving you with one, if she did the same thing (fairs fair right?) you'd have no days at all. So basically you're in a situation where you're sending her a message that your stuff is more important than her stuff, you're allowed to go and take a day for yourself but she can't do the same if she wants the relationship to even exist at all. She probably feels like you don't value the time you spend together, that you think your desires are more important than hers, and that she's doing an unfair/larger amount of sacrificing to make things work by keeping those days clear for you while you don't show her the same respect. I can understand feeling frustrated by that.

However, you (and she) absolutely have the right to do other stuff you enjoy, and imo people need to do other stuff to generally just be happy and healthy in life.

You need to find some sort of balance. Your schedules are pretty fucked up and are making this very difficult. I'd be looking at finding ways to change those schedules first personally, or else if I were you looking for you stuff you can do for yourself that falls into times that aren't 'your' times. Obviously you need to sit down and come to some sort of agreement though. Good luck.

[TequilaFlavor]

So you work four days a week, and work about 22-24 hours a week, and play video games which you call a "hobby" the rest of the week, while your girlfriend works 5 days a week and works 40 hours?

Sounds like your girlfriend has a lot to be upset about.

If you really want to flit and fancy around on a stage, can't you do it on one of the days you don't spend time with your girlfriend since you only have a part-time job?

He only has a part-time job, because he is in school the rest of the time, not because he plays video games . . .

---------- Post added 2013-04-23 at 01:34 AM ----------

Your first goal in life should be to better yourself, not make your girlfriend happy. You should always be actively working on becoming a more successful or happy person. If she is actively "career" blocking you, that is incredibly selfish of her and honestly, I'd end the relationship there.

You don't build your life around relationships, you enjoy relationships with some one when it fits in with your schedule. When that stops working, the relationship does as well.

Relationships can be a big part of what helps you better yourself, though - they reflect you and help you think about yourself and how you interact with the outside world.