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  1. #1
    High Overlord Nifra's Avatar
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    Balancing family and WoW

    Hey, I'm in a chatty mood tonight and don't know why. (Overtiredness most likely).


    To make a long story short, I've been playing since the start of BC, and been hardcore raiding from BT until FL in Cata (..Until I had a baby, that is).
    I still played casually until late November, a bit after MoP released, due to my husband coming back from deployment (he's in the Navy) and being busy etc.

    I'm a stay-at-home-mom, working occasionally when I get voice narrating projects and modelling jobs.. But now that things have kinda slowed down, and my son is starting to get more independant and can play by himself fine (with supervision)... I re-subbed. my old casual guild welcomed me with open arms, and here I am raiding again. 3 mornings a week (we live in Japan, big time zone difference).

    I thought I had worked on an agreement with my husband, that he'd allow me to play as long as I'm attending to our son, and when he's asleep etc, but everytime he comes home for lunch (raid goes on pretty much until he almost has to leave back to work) he just RAGES nonstop. He'll bitch that I'm addicted, play too much, not taking care of our son (even though I do my best to keep him entertained, and change/feed him during trash (my guild is understanding), sometimes I even sing to him during fights lol.. And I did cause a few wipes here and there to tend to him) Occasionally he'll cry a little until we wipe or until the boss is dead.. And that's what frustrates my husband most.

    I honestly think it's not THAT big of a deal, the rest of the time, when not raiding, I work my ass off to take care of our son, clean, and get errands done.

    My husband does help here and there, which I appreciate immensely.. it's just frustrating for me as well since he doesn't want to watch our son at all when I play (he says it would "endorse" me playing) and trying to be so controlling about it.
    Also, compared to how much I played years ago.. I've been doing a pretty damn good job in controlling how much I play.
    Of course.. Whenever HE plays games (Borderlands 2 mostly).. I always watch our son, hoping for the same respect/favor.. But he keeps using the excuse "Well.. the games I play have a PAUSE button"

    It just really sucks that he doesn't support what I like and enjoy doing.

    Sorry this came out as a rant mostly.. But my question to you:




    Any other SAHM's or wives/girlfriends out there who play?

    What agreements have you made with your significant other, and managing Gaming/Life balance?

    I'm running out of ideas how to convince him and make him OK with it.. Or perhaps I'M the one who's in the wrong? I'm really looking for any kind of feedback!





    TL;DR: I raid. my husband hates it, but I don't want to quit :/

  2. #2
    Quote Originally Posted by Nifra View Post
    --SNIP--
    You have young child. Stop being a terrible parent and raiding, look after your child, stop posting on forums looking justification to raid while you have a young child.

    Infracted
    Last edited by Darsithis; 2013-04-18 at 03:41 PM.

  3. #3
    High Overlord Nifra's Avatar
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    I agree, my child is definitely my #1 priority, just wish I could do both at once.. Or at least find a game more addictive than WoW (with a pause button lol)

  4. #4
    Pandaren Monk solvexx's Avatar
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    Nothing wrong with having a hobby.

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by tohyatvc View Post
    You have young child. Stop being a terrible parent and raiding, look after your child, stop posting on forums looking justification to raid while you have a young child.
    Yup, this is the post right here. Her life ended when she decided to have a child, didn't it? No all is left for the next 20 years is to take care of him/her.

    @OP: Seems your husband has issues with the fact you are not giving the child 100% of your time. Nothing else to do here then talk to him about it - tell him your guild allows you for breaks so emergencies can always be handled. Secondly, it seems your husband is more 'motherly' than you are - how old is that baby? FL will make him approx. 1.5 years old? Kids that age are still mostly sack of meat and bones, no fucking need to turn your world upside down for the child.

  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Castor Krieg View Post
    no fucking need to turn your world upside down for the child.
    No fucking need to ruin family over a time consuming game. What you need is a similar game with a pause button, try elder scrolls - skyrim.

  7. #7
    I don´t see a problem in WoW but a problem in your relationship. All that trusting you take care of your child well ( personally I don´t have doubts)

    Your husband does not like wow at all and thinks you are addicted. That will not change unless he is addicted to something and understand by himself. Im sorry but I can´t see a solution except eat shit and say yes to everything , while you continue playing. You can also stop to watch the kid while he is playing but then he will tell you how you are useless without work and that , right ? Don´t take me wrong , the ex of my girlfriend was on this way. All he did was fine ( a lot of things were indeed , but no excuse ) and all that you do and I don´t lie is bad.

    Regards.

  8. #8
    High Overlord Zazzmi's Avatar
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    Raiding and young children don't mix. Invariably you either end up neglecting your fellow raiders or your child. At this stage in your child's life, he/she needs to feel secure that his/her needs will be attended to. Since you don't work, your ONLY job is to raise a happy, healthy child. That takes priority over everything else.

    I'm not saying that you need to quit WoW, mind you. But anything that will result in finding yourself putting off attending to your kid should be off the table.

  9. #9
    High Overlord Nifra's Avatar
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    I think as long your partner is fine with it, it wouldn't "ruin" the family, as long you're not ignoring what matters most.

    My other "defense" would also be that.. We all need some time for ourselves from time to time, it's healthy!
    I think I did need a reality check though, honestly the hardest thing about actually quitting is ditching the guild who helped me gear up for current content

  10. #10
    Me and my wife have two children, five and three years old. We both are raiding three days a week and kept playing since our daugther was born in 2008.
    The main question is: Do YOU think, you are neglecting your son? Think about it a minute and try to be completly honest. Do you think you should spend more time with him instead of raiding/playing WoW in general? If you wouldn't be playing would there be other things you'd do which had the same effects? Would there be situations where your son would have to wait and cry a little until you'd be able time to give your best attention to him?
    Like I said, think about it a minute.
    One thing I learned as a parent over the years: When it comes to the point, yout children always come first. If I would be raiding and my daugther would hurt herself - sure, I'd jump of and leave, don't care for a bossfight. Everyone in my raid group would understand that. And if they wouldn't... not my problem. But you can't cater to your child completely, ignoring your own life. That wouldn't be good for you and wouldn't do your child good either (seen too many spoiled brats because mommy does everything what they want at once).
    It is your job to supervise your child. But it's not your job to rest your eyes on your child 24/7 and do nothing else.

    From what you're posting here, I'd say you do fine. You care for your son and you know he is more important than the game. There are many parents out there who are not playing games and do much worse.

    And for your husband - could it be that he is a little jealous because he thinks you had too much free time? Maybe it could help if he had to watch your son for a few days completely on his own. My guess would be he'd be bored very quickly and would look for some kind of entertainment. Perhaps it could help him to understand your situation instead of just seeing his own perspective.

    Quote Originally Posted by tohyatvc View Post
    You have young child. Stop being a terrible parent and raiding, look after your child, stop posting on forums looking justification to raid while you have a young child.
    Don't feed the troll.
    Last edited by Antarax; 2013-04-18 at 12:13 PM.

  11. #11
    Imo you are fine doing what you are doing, there does need to be balance, and he isn't balancing it. It is unfair of him to not want to help out when you are doing something you like to do and do it. Not sure how many hours each morning you raid either. My overall opinion though doesn't change, i think it's his problem and he needs to fix it. Not sure why people come in and say that once you have a kid you can't do anything else that you like to do though.. you can do 2 things at once and you can also take a break and do something you love to do to kinda get away. Nothing wrong with that.

    Sorry i'm rambling, rather tired here at 5 am, but you are not wrong. Balance takes more than one person, or else problems ensue and it is not balanced.

  12. #12
    You might want to consider saving Raids for after your child is in bed for the night, if he's even old enough for that yet. It's certainly not impossible to raid with an infant or toddler, and a lot of casual guilds are ok with members prioritizing kids over the game, but this isn't even about your guild, it's about you and your husband.

    That your husband refuses to take responsibility for your son while you're raiding because he thinks that encourages your playing... that sounds kind of messed up. Especially if you've already agreed ahead of time about raid times. I hope he at least has one "baby chore" a day so they can get to know one another and bond - that is, something more than a few seconds or minutes at a time - if he's going to flat out rage during lunch at home. Plus, it would give you some time off the baby leash, something vastly underrated by anyone not stuck "working" 24/7.

    Then again, are you playing when he comes home for lunch even on non-raid days? All of the stay at home mom gamers I've known have tended to get their "serious" play time in after the kids were in bed.

    Your family and marriage are more important than your hobbies. You're under a ton of stress as a stay at home, and you're in a foreign country (woo, more stress!). I get that you need something to combat the stay at home crazies, but online raiding might need to wait a bit longer.

  13. #13
    It's pretty easy. WoW comes first.

  14. #14
    High Overlord Zazzmi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nifra View Post
    I think as long your partner is fine with it, it wouldn't "ruin" the family, as long you're not ignoring what matters most.

    My other "defense" would also be that.. We all need some time for ourselves from time to time, it's healthy!
    I think I did need a reality check though, honestly the hardest thing about actually quitting is ditching the guild who helped me gear up for current content
    Time for yourself IS healthy, but not at the expense of your child. Perhaps finding a guild that raids after your child is in bed is a better option than trying to justify your 'need' for time for yourself during the day when your focus SHOULD be on your child.

  15. #15
    High Overlord Nifra's Avatar
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    @Antarax - thank you for taking time to write that post, it means a lot and I took it in consideration.

    I've actually used this argument against my husband once, but didn't make much difference to him.

    Quite often I leave my 10-month old in his play area, or simply in his highchair watching me get things done, like the dishes. So it's pretty much the same thing: 8 minute boss fight vs 8 minutes of chores right?

    He countered it saying "well.. rather have him watch you clean than have bad influence by playing video games"

    Ironically.. a couple days later I left him with the baby, and he played Street fighter.. It was kinda cute since the baby seemed to really enjoy watching it and was babbling like crazy, but mad inside how much of a hypocrite he can be.

    And personally, I do believe I am a great mother, I am in shape, unlike the typical stereotypes. But for our relationship's sake, I do think walking away from the game will do some good so we can straighten up a few areas.

  16. #16
    It's very unfortunate that your husband isn't supportive of your hobby. I guess I am very fortunate in that my wife and I both play WoW so there isn't really a need for any "agreement." I look after ours daughters while she does pvp and she will look after them on the off chance I am playing while they're up (I raid after they're in bed.) Then again, shes the one that got me into the game. ^_^

  17. #17
    Just wondering if you're wearing a headset while you raid. That can have a negative psychological effect on someone seeing you "closed off" to real life

  18. #18
    The Lightbringer Naxere's Avatar
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    I pretty much gave up on non-LFR raiding after our daughter was born last month. My wife is a stay at home mom, so she takes care of the baby most of the time, but I can't justify blocking off 3-4 hours a night a couple-three times a week just to raid. There are plenty of things to do in WoW that aren't raiding and don't require your complete attention at all times.

  19. #19
    Dreadlord Spichora's Avatar
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    I agree with Antarax.

    Of course you cant ruin you personal life because you had baby, but you must balance these two issue.

    You said that your son might cry few times until you kill/wipe on boss. So I guess that means that your son feels that his mother is not paying attention to him. That is not quite good thing. Like Antarax said think for a minute why is he crying? Does it feels to you that he needs more attention than you give him? Its just first 4-5 years that is extremely hard to sit with babies because they take almost all your personal life.

    But dont quit WoW. If you are SAHM Playing game or having a hobby that doesnt require to go out of home is very helpful not to go crazy. You can play WoW even 10/24 per day IF you see that your child is happy doesnt Cry and is satisfied all day long because he is N1 for you.

    Dont get me wrong but Imho I think your main problem is your relationship with your Husband. If he cant understand that You do everything for your child that you need 3-4 hours for your personal life that would be huge obstacle in your marriage. He wont understand you but he demands that you understand him. If you have already told him that you do your best to take care of your child and that your child is satisfied all day long and doesnt need anymore attention, But he still continues that way, I think he has some Gender Equality problem. But if you havent talked to him about that you should to so as you will know what to do in future.


    War is deception, a game played best from the shadows!

  20. #20
    Moderator Rivelle's Avatar
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    I can sympathize with you, but I see a few issues with your situation that are causing problems.

    I'm also a stay-at-home-mom right now (not for lack of trying, but for lack of jobs in this economy) and I play WoW, take care of my kids and have family time. However, my husband also plays WoW and we do it after the kids are in bed and rarely when they're just playing on their own. However, my kids are older (5 and 7). When I raid or do RBGs or things that I have to group with others for and cannot just up and go AFK from to deal with RL stuff, I do it after my kids are in bed. My husband and I also have nights/times that we schedule things to do together in WoW, and separate nights that we schedule time to watch our favorite TV shows together or what not. If I play during the day it's simply doing dailies or something that can be done quickly and easily and I can get up from at a moment's notice without disappointing anyone.

    I would agree with others that you should look into finding a guild that raids after you child is in bed for the night, however, it doesn't sound like something your husband would support at all. He might seem like the enemy, but I do believe he's honestly worried about you and how much attention the child might be getting. No matter how much attention you're giving the child when your husband is away, he isn't there to see it...all he is seeing is you being on WoW when he comes home and to him that means that you might be ignoring your child in some way or might be addicted to the game.

    A couple of simple questions...how old are you? It sounds like you might be younger, and I had similar problems when I was younger as well. It takes time to grow and learn. Sometimes you might make a mistake and need someone to point it out to you before you can learn from it. Do you have friends nearby for company or that you can talk to when you need it? You said your husband is in the Navy and your location is listed as Japan which tells me that he's stationed there and that you might not have friends there that you can just invite over. You might be lonely and looking for friends/company online. That in itself isn't a bad thing but you need friendship and support IRL as well. Perhaps you could find a local group of wives/moms that hosts activities that you can bring your son to and get out of the house and make some friends.

    Anyways, feel free to PM me if you want to talk more.

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