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  1. #21
    I would suggest trying to swap from morning raiding to evening raiding. I'm a single Dad with a 15 month old, had him on my own since he was 2 months old BUT still managed to play WoW in the evenings and do some casual raiding as well....but when he was asleep. I think the issue does seem to be more with your relationship than the game. Spichora above me i think has got it nailed on. Hell, as a single parent i deffo need a couple of hours to myself every now and then.....alas, not to WoW anymore, just cancelled my sub lol

    I think if you swapped to a evening raid...you may find your husband a bit more forgiving, however that may only be papering over the cracks

  2. #22
    Quote Originally Posted by tohyatvc View Post
    You have young child. Stop being a terrible parent and raiding, look after your child, stop posting on forums looking justification to raid while you have a young child.
    Not sure if sarcasm or just pure ignorant.

    Having a child does not mean you cant enjoy yourself anymore or do things you like to do. it just means you wont be able to do it that ofter as you might like. but hey you chose this life yourself.
    Try to find a good balance when you son needs attention he should get it from you instead of playing a game. raiding, i believe is not something you should be doing at that time. you can do that once he is sleeping.

    But those are my 2 cents and i dont have kids so i might be wrong but responsibility is key in this.

  3. #23
    The Insane det's Avatar
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    Moral of the story: Don't ask those questions on a forum, you just get flamed and people are judgemental. Glad for Rivelle's post though. Take her up on that offer to PM ....
    Originally Posted by Blizzard Entertainment
    One cause is a cognitive bias called projection bias. Essentially living inside your own head your entire life makes it exceedingly difficult to understand how others do not also live your same life, think your same thoughts, and hold your same beliefs. In many cases it's quite frustrating to try to empathize and understand why you yourself may not be the center of the universe, which generally results in one 'acting out' in various ways.
    So, in short: the internet.

  4. #24
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    Never lose yourself and play WoW when you should be with your kid and husband.
    I neglected my girlfriend and I'm literally on the brink of losing her right now, it's tearing me up.

    I won't ever play WoW again when I'm with my girlfriend.
    We only see eachother in the weekend so it's justified how she feels.

  5. #25
    Quote Originally Posted by tohyatvc View Post
    You have young child. Stop being a terrible parent and raiding, look after your child, stop posting on forums looking justification to raid while you have a young child.
    Wow, stop posting on forums looking for reasons to shit on people.

    Also OP, You should probably stick to raiding when you have freetime. Always put your kid before WoW or anygame for that matter. No matter what boss/fight your'e doing.

  6. #26
    Quote Originally Posted by Insarius View Post
    Never lose yourself and play WoW when you should be with your kid and husband.
    I neglected my girlfriend and I'm literally on the brink of losing her right now, it's tearing me up.

    I won't ever play WoW again when I'm with my girlfriend.
    We only see eachother in the weekend so it's justified how she feels.

    Totally out of subject.
    You didn´t know what is your principal priority until you are losing it. The case of Nifra is way different , yours is something you "achieved". Deal with it and anyways I hope you find out a solution.

  7. #27
    Seriously i needed to stop here and say something when i looked at the asinine answers you got here.

    Ok, let's start with some basic things, FAMILY IS NOT SACRED, and you as a person should not comply to everything they throw at you just because it will do "damage to the family".

    If your husband cannot accept you have a hobby, that he knew you had in the past, then he is expecting you to change as a person, just because you are now a mother. Please don't fall to that trap, don't deny who you are, just because things progress in your life.
    You need to be responsible, to do what is needed from you, but you also need to have a life on your own.

    About the kid, every human being needs to learn about what is frustration, and what is not getting what you want at the time you want. He will learn that you are a person too, and that you are not there to do whatever he wants from you the time he wants. But this will take time, just take good care of him wile his still young.


    Please, never, ever stop being yourself in favor of what society claims is the right thing to do.
    The problem you have is that our culture enforces that the woman is the one that needs to care for the children the entire time, and that is why your husband cannot accept that you play, but he plays himself.


    If your husband cannot accept what you like to do, then please, get in a couple therapy, you need one.

    Right now marriage as an institution is having a big problem, nowdays everyone have hobbies, and different from our grandparents, we do not live to work anymore, and the dream of the happy family where the woman stays at the house, and husband works doesn't work anymore, woman's learned that kids grow, and they will be alone and will not know happiness anymore. Get away from your hobbys for 15 yrs and you will never have a chance to come back, or find people you can share a good time with again.



    You need your space, your free time, so does your husband.
    Both of you need to take care of the child for some time so that the other can have some free time.

    Just, please don't throw away who you are, for the sake of this bunch of society pressure that tries to make you one more mother that haves no life on her own, and that in the future will suffer greatly for it, probably ending your marriage.

    So if you want to keep married, and stay a sane person, talk to him, couple therapy is the best thing you can do right now.
    And if hes not willing to, then you know that he just wants you to be what society expect from mothers, to stay at home, and tend to everyone else problems, wile never really caring about yourself.
    Never, ever falls to that trap.

    Seriously, don't give ears to those others trying to imply you are a bad mother, they are not in your skin, they don't know how your life is, and they are all gamers that have NO IDEA of what your life is, and that wants from you exactly what the society wants, to force you into a role.

    So, try to look for a specialized doctor in psychology, there you will gain real help.
    Seriously do that, i know there is a lot of shame, and costs, and social negativity about it, but be brave, it's for the best.
    Professional assistance > gaming forum mind.

  8. #28
    Quote Originally Posted by satanicway View Post
    snip
    Beat me to it. I was going to come with about the same rant.

    3 mornings isn't bad. Other people just sleep through every morning.

    your husband is the problem in this situation, and not you. If he really thought it was important he could take care of your kid. Instead he try to make it more of a conflict, not helping you with the kid, when you try to have some fun. Having a kid doesn't mean you're bound to not have any fun anymore.
    So much love from his side, since he can neglect the kid during it, and probably make it worse by acting like he does.
    Everyone has so much to say
    They talk talk talk their lives away

  9. #29
    Dreadlord Aeula's Avatar
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    It sounds to me like your husband is using your hobby as an excuse to not look after the child. I think you need to sit down and have a long talk about it with him or do what satanicway said.

  10. #30
    just recently had to cut back on my wow time due to my boy being born 2 months ago. barely get a chance to play now between work, time with family and having to help around the house.

    sometimes im able to get on to pvp and stuff but ive quit raiding as a whole just because i dont feel like i can commit to 12 hours of uninterrupted playtime, im pretty happy i got my gold challenge modes done needless to say. but ive been in your position before and had some pretty rough patches with wow and her and trying to balance gameplay time and gf time.

    there were a few times where she would make me choose her or game and i basically told her her i played video games before her and if she left i would play them after her, i think she finally wise up and realized that yeah i do play video games but i dont watch TV/go out to bar every fri/sat night. and that when i wasnt raiding i didnt have a problem putting the game down and spending time with her, going to dinner or even just hanging at home and watching grey's anatomy or teen mom.

    every relationship is different. so this isnt advice its more of just a glimpse of another person balancing work wow and life.

    edit: also youd be surprised on how much just asking or even just reminding "hey ill be raiding for these hours but after that im all yours" kind of thing works on re-assuring your loved ones that their time is precious to you as well.

    also, why not try to get him to play with you? maybe hed enjoy some quality time with the wife. i know if my gf ever came back to play wow with me id be really happy.
    Last edited by kaganpwnz; 2013-04-18 at 01:56 PM.

  11. #31
    Are there other SAHMs in your area? Have you thought of making a deal where you're trading babysitting? If you find someone to take your kid for your 3 mornings and you take their kid for 3 afternoons, then nobody is being neglected, the kid has a playmate and is getting socialized, and you make a friend who can also potentially save you in the evenings. Part of the problem may be that you're far away from your regular support network, so you don't have those college friends or sisters or cousins around who you'd feel comfortable doing this with. And if the sprogling is over at the sitter's house you won't have to afk during raids and you can progress better, which will make you happier.

    The problem with many men is that they don't realize that a SAHM needs her own time, too. Three mornings a week is not unreasonable. If he is not willing to give you that time, then it may be a control issue. Is he trying to control what you do in a lot of other areas, too? You don't say whether this is your first overseas deployment together. A lot of arguments seem to be over one thing but are actually over another. Is there something that he's subconsciously expecting you to do that is not getting done? Is he maybe feeling guilty over being deployed away from the kid and taking it out on you?

    I'm a working mother. My WoW time used to be reserved for after the kid went to sleep, but as she's grown into a teen I've gotten her her own account and now we play together when homework and chores are done. I had a conflict with my husband when I began to make this change, but after arguing it out it turned out that he thought I ought to be doing more vacuuming and sweeping and thought that the game was cutting into our general cleanliness (I have a blind spot when it comes to dirty carpets). I make more effort to keep the floors cleaned, he makes more effort to keep the yard clean, the kid and I get to play WoW when our chores are done, we're all happy.

  12. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by Terridon View Post
    your husband is the problem
    I am quoting Terridon but the quote is directed to all that did similar statements (i.e., nothing personal Terridon!): out of curiosity, how many of you are parents? :P

    Nifra, my comment is based in my own experience, so please dont take any insult. I used to raid quite massive in Vanilla-TBC (18 hours per week) and shifted to a "casual" setup WotlK/Cata (8-10 hours per week). MoP was released at almost same time my 1st son was born, so now I have a 5-months old boy and a very very casual approach (i.e. LFR geek when possible, if possible).

    At home, my wife does most of the baby chores, I maybe participate in 20% of that plus helping with other house chores. I find it practically impossible to commit to a 3-day/week fixed schedule, and that being the slack father. I am not saying is completely impossible and maybe you have the answers, but I find that is most probable that you do might have an issue and that your husband, even if not fully right, might have a point.

    My own problems that I experience with WoW was: a) inability to admit that maybe certain week routines might be an issue. At my "hardcore" days I basically destroyed a previous 5-year relationship. At the time I thought exactly like you, that she was not supportive of my hobby. Nowadays I think I know better, even though I dont regret, I know I was not right either; b) "Just another 5 min": yeah I bet you keep saying that a lot when you are raiding as well. Wow is unfortunately a "just another 5 min" game when you raid, you just tunnelvision into something and keeping repeating that to yourself until 30 min had passed and you dont even noticed.

    The only thing fairly reasonable to be said to you is that the only way you can "fix" your situation is through a compromise: you husband will have to understand you have a hobby but you might have to understand as well that certain habits will have to be better controlled.

    PS: the game with a PAUSE excuse: that is actually a good one, nowadays for me is much easier to play anything than WoW.

  13. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by Doom Panda View Post
    Time for yourself IS healthy, but not at the expense of your child. Perhaps finding a guild that raids after your child is in bed is a better option than trying to justify your 'need' for time for yourself during the day when your focus SHOULD be on your child.
    Completely agree - i have 2 young kids (3.5 yrs and 1.5 yrs) and sucessfully raid three evenings a week AFTER they're in bed and asleep. Wife is happy for me to do this, gives her time off from me pestering her for sex on those evenings too! ;P
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  14. #34
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    A bit off topic but I feel bad for you OP, when I was stationed in Yokosuka my connection made WoW almost unplayable. I can't imagine being a hardcore raider with a connection like that.
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  15. #35
    Once you make a decision to have a child, the game should be completely irrelevant to you at that point. Doesn't mean you can't enjoy it playing and raiding, doesn't mean you can't have a life. But either the Child is your life or it is not. And I agree with your husband, A game you can just pause and walk away from is 100 times better than being in the middle of the raid and having to stop at which point you now wasting other people's time

    I've had the joy of raiding with several new mothers over the years even worse when they are healers. We've had raid wipes because they suddenly had to go check on little billy. We've had extended AFK breaks because little Cindy wouldn't go to sleep. And nothing reaks of bad parenting when they que up to talk and all you hear is a child screaming in the background. Sometimes, someone will ask "Do you need a minute" and they will answer "No, they are just mad because I won't read to them"

    Funny enough all the folks telling you that the child isn't that important and that you need to have fun too, will be the same ones who nail you to a cross if your child falls and hurts themselves while your busy raiding.

    On a side note, it sounds like you and your Husband failed to have those very important early conversations about you're views on marriage, child raising and everything else. If he was expecting a traditional mom and you knew this, then why did you have kids. If you didn't have these important conversations, then why did you have kids ? I'm not giving him a free pass on doing his part, I'm saying if you both went in just assuming things then you've both have created this problem

  16. #36
    Warchief Odina's Avatar
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    I have an 8 month old son and my wife is not a gammer at all. I raid wednesday night and we both came to this agreement together. Making a decision for yourself when being a parent and not talking about it with your spouce is just asking for trouble.

    By the looks of it your husband is mad from what you say for 2 very valid points IMO.

    1) He comes home for lunch and instead of getting quality time with his family he gets to baby site his son while his wife tunes him and his child out!

    2) If he comes home or is home and your gamming while leaving your child cry then he has every right to rage! Your #1 job is to take care of your child.. if they need you (see crying for your attention or any othr reason) then you should be with them! It's not fair to your child or your raid team to be bouncing between the two!

    I simply cannot understand how you would choose game > crying child when you are the only parent home or when you have the chance to see your husband ofr extra time during the day! What I wouldnt give to see my wife and son each lunch!

    Ask yourself this... is WOW more important than your marriage and child? If the emidiate answer is no then go re read your origional post becuase the impression you give off is that you have slotted raiding time above family!


    Edit to add :

    Sorry just re-read yoru op and this is what stands out as the #1 factor for the arguments

    "I thought I had worked on an agreement with my husband, that he'd allow me to play as long as I'm attending to our son, and when he's asleep etc, "

    But then you say " (even though I do my best to keep him entertained, and change/feed him during trash (my guild is understanding), sometimes I even sing to him during fights lol.. And I did cause a few wipes here and there to tend to him) Occasionally he'll cry a little until we wipe or until the boss is dead.. And that's what frustrates my husband most.

    If you are not tending to your child when they are crying, or need to entertain them then they are not old enough to be "independant" and they still obviously need you. Your husband probably feels that you are not adheering to your end of the agreement as your child obviously needs attending to but you are choosing playing > attending to there needs. Thus you are attending to them when it is convinient for the raid...rather than gaming when it is convinient for child.
    Last edited by Odina; 2013-04-18 at 02:42 PM.

  17. #37
    Quote Originally Posted by bobyboucher View Post
    I have an 8 month old son and my wife is not a gammer at all. I raid wednesday night and we both came to this agreement together. Making a decision for yourself when being a parent and not talking about it with your spouce is just asking for trouble.

    By the looks of it your husband is mad from what you say for 2 very valid points IMO.

    1) He comes home for lunch and instead of getting quality time with his family he gets to baby site his son while his wife tunes him and his child out!

    2) If he comes home or is home and your gamming while leaving your child cry then he has every right to rage! Your #1 job is to take care of your child.. if they need you (see crying for your attention or any othr reason) then you should be with them! It's not fair to your child or your raid team to be bouncing between the two!

    I simply cannot understand how you would choose game > crying child when you are the only parent home or when you have the chance to see your husband ofr extra time during the day! What I wouldnt give to see my wife and son each lunch!

    Ask yourself this... is WOW more important than your marriage and child? If the emidiate answer is no then go re read your origional post becuase the impression you give off is that you have slotted raiding time above family!


    Edit to add :

    Sorry just re-read yoru op and this is what stands out as the #1 factor for the arguments

    "I thought I had worked on an agreement with my husband, that he'd allow me to play as long as I'm attending to our son, and when he's asleep etc, "

    But then you say " (even though I do my best to keep him entertained, and change/feed him during trash (my guild is understanding), sometimes I even sing to him during fights lol.. And I did cause a few wipes here and there to tend to him) Occasionally he'll cry a little until we wipe or until the boss is dead.. And that's what frustrates my husband most.

    If you are not tending to your child when they are crying, or need to entertain them then they are not old enough to be "independant" and they still obviously need you. Your husband probably feels that you are not adheering to your end of the agreement as your child obviously needs attending to but you are choosing playing > attending to there needs. Thus you are attending to them when it is convinient for the raid...rather than gaming when it is convinient for child.

    i didnt even see this, i know if i came home and my boy was crying while my wife was playing vidya i wouldnt be upset, but if it kept happening it would become an issue.

    quit raiding, but still play wow. uninterrupted gameplay is hard with kids and your making it harder, why not work out an agreement to do it when hes at home and can help with the baby?

  18. #38
    I am going to side with your husband on this one. He comes home for lunch and you are raiding which means you are not paying much, if any, attention to him or your child AND your child is sometimes left crying until you wipe/beat a boss. You are a stay at home MOM, not stay at home WoW raider. Your first duty is to take care of your son, not raid on WoW. That doesn't mean you can't have hobbies but your son should come first until he is able to be tend to his own needs. It doesn't really matter how much you played in the past because now you have a child.

    Also, I do not see raiding 3 days a week as "casual", especially if you also do dailies etc as well. How many hours per week are you playing WoW?

  19. #39
    everytime he comes home for lunch (raid goes on pretty much until he almost has to leave back to work)
    So your husband goes away for lengthy periods of time and when he is home and comes home to lunch, you are just sitting their raiding instead of spending time with him? This I find even weirder then neglecting your child.

    I also think it's odd you would let your child cry a bit when you're busy raiding. At some point he has to learn that you're not there for his every wish, but isn't he a bit too young for that now? Shouldn't you at least check why he is crying to determine if you need to do something or that you can ignore it for a bit?

    Personally I would only raid LFR, so I can quit at any time when my child needs me. I wouldn't want to leave my guildmates hanging to tend to my child and I wouldn't want to leave my child crying because I 'just need to kill this boss'. LFR is ideal: raid when you want, no hard feelings when you leave.

  20. #40
    Over 9000! Wildtree's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nifra View Post
    TL;DR: I raid. my husband hates it, but I don't want to quit :/
    Although I liked what Antarax answered, and tend to agree with a lot said there, I am not 100% convinced. The matter is a bit deeper.
    You are a family of 3, and everyone in that family should be happy. The way I understand from your description is, that your husband would not have a problem with you playing while he is not around. I see more issues here.

    1. The child.. Unless it's for spoiled brat behavior, your child should never have to wait for you any longer than maybe a minute or so. At least not at that baby age. Later down the road, when they become more independent it's a slightly different story. I am not saying you neglecting your child. Not by what you described. You just could give it a bit more attention, when it matters maybe? You have to be self critical and make that judgement.

    2. Your husband... For what ever reason, he doesn't like some of what you do with your WoW time. The way I read it, he doesn't want you to play while he is home period. Even when he sleeps. When he wakes up from the baby, and he see's you playing you get the blame. In a way that's actually understandable when he doesn't like that. But maybe it's also not all about the baby. Maybe it's also in parts about him. In a way, he's your baby too. And his attention portion is taken away as well. At least from his reactions it would make sense. He may not admit it right away. And here for his defense.. When I come home, sometimes I have things on my mind I'd like to talk about with my woman. If she sits on the computer playing some (in that moment stupid) game, then I can get touchy too... Especially when I'm only home for a bit, is it too much asking to spend that time with me?

    3. You... You are equally entitled to your own time, just like the other two. You have that right as well. Now the "beauty" or rather say crux, of a relationship/family is, that despite of having that right, it's not always a given to choose to do what we want with that time. The difference between you and Antarax for example is, that his wife plays the game as well. There's no resistance. No disagreement. For you it is different. It is usually not beneficial for a relationship if one of the two people does something that doesn't find the approval of the partner. Relationships are built on understanding, trust and compromise. Which are all based on faith in each other.
    I see from you the will to resort away from WoW. You want to do something in your spare time, in your time alone. Have you looked into the vast amounts of FB games? There are countless, for various genres. There isn't just farmville. There are more and they can be fun too. And most of them have the advantage to stop and take a break from one second to the next.

    Last but not least, I think you should sit down with hubby and discuss the matter. It's not worth it to drive a splinter into your relationship over WoW. The game is fun, but certainly not worth to get your marriage in jeopardy. At the end of the day, everything you do, and everything you achieve in WoW has ZERO value. Literally no value at all. Once the computer is turned off, WoW and all the accomplishments within are useless to your life as a whole.
    In very hard words, you can ask yourself whether you want to chase after gear and boss kills like a lab rat that runs through a maze trying to find the reward, or like a donkey that's chasing the carrot held in front of his face so he starts running.. Because that's what WoW - deep at it's roots - essentially is, and nothing more than that. Just something repetitive to kill time with it.
    If you can't find common ground with hubby on the matter, maybe try to get something else. Or even better, something he likes as well.
    Last edited by Wildtree; 2013-04-18 at 03:06 PM.
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