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  1. #1

    [Bio] Lilith Sun Moonhaven (Revised)

    ((After seeing the feedback by the mods I have received on Lilith Sun Moonhaven last time I decided to revise me character to make it more realistic and understandable (With a little less comedy which I try to put in the other character while also having some realistic features) so people will not feel like I am trying to troll, which I am not, I am just new to RPing and I am trying to make what in my eyes would be an ideal character that also relates me me in the real world, so here it is, I would like to hear your input on this revised version and if you need to know anything else about this character just ask, and please be polite, to me and anyone else on this forum)):

    Name: Lilith Sun Moonhaven

    Age: 19

    Race: Nathrezim, Worgen, Scourge, Naaru, Night Elf, Naga, Zhevra

    Gender: Female

    Languages: Eredun, Gilnean, Undead, Mind-talk (can speak through light waves), Darnassian, Najza, Horse, Common

    Class: Hunter, Priestess, Warlock, Death Knight, Druid, Mage

    Faction: Alliance, Sha'tar

    Likes: Long walks under the moon, Deep sleep, Basking in the sun, Running through the forest, Long swims, Controlling water, Brewing potions and casting spells

    Dislikes: Horde

    Personality

    I am a very kind and caring Princess who can be a little naughty sometimes , I also will do anything to protect my people and the ones I love, I love talking with friends and just having fun. Parties and get-togethers are something that is super great! I also love eating Tropical Sunfruit!

    Appearance


    If you were to see me, you could see my Nathrezim horns but not when I would be in Worgen form which is also why you may not be able to see my fins, You could see the light in my eyes which is becase Naaru are composed of light, You could also see my Sapphire tiara, and I would be outside Darnassus in the woods. Since I am a Nathrezim my scourge wounds regenerate so you could not see my flesh rotting. My picture is in my avatar

    Strengths


    Physical: I can run extremely fast (Darkflight along with my wings) and am extremely sensitive to sound since I am both Nathrezim and Worgen, I can see exceptionally good in both pitch dark and blinding light and also underwater because of the Worgen the Naaru and the Naga, I can obviously swim extremely well haha, and I am extremely strong and nothing can kill me, only make me uncomfortable for a short while.

    Mental: I am pretty much the most intellectual being in the universe from all of my different backgrounds, but I do not like showing it off because it makes others feel threatened and I do not want to do that to potential friends.

    Weakness


    I do not have any known weaknesses.

    History


    Nathrezim and Naga: I am the child of Illidan (who taught me the warlock ways) and Lady Vashj (A decendant of the Night Elves) who made an allegiance during the burning crusade in order to serve thier own needs.

    Naaru: After my parents death A'dal seeing my true potential and the kind and caringness inside me gave me the powers of the Naaru which is Mind-speak and being able to control light so I could help control the Nathrezim and Naga forces from destroying the world.

    Scourge: I was turned Scourge from the Lich King and was one of his first creations, having Mind-speak I saw his true motives and broke away with all my will.

    Worgen: being a Naga I my ancestors are Darnassian so I tried to find thier city and they welcomed me with open arms and even got to meet the queen who saw what I was and knew one day I would be a great princess, so she adopted me, being the queens daughter the night elves taught me the ways of the druid while my mother taught me hunting and being a priest, I then went on a journy and eventually found Gilneas, a small town outside Silverpine forest, I stayed there for a few years until that day. The day where these wolf like creatures attacked. After the attack I got out of the city as fast as I could, before the Foresaken started to attack, After the attack it was weird, I started turning into a wolf at random times, and then I realized what I was, I had became infected by the wolf species that attacked that one night.

    Zhevra: After I became infected I searched far and wide to try to find a cure because at the time I did not realize my true potential, so I found a witch doctor who said they could cure me from the Worgen form I could not control, he told me to get stinger of wyvern, lock of gryphon hair, a vial of water from the swamp of sorrows, and a Swiftness Potion, he then combined them all in a pot and told me to get in, I got in and he cast a spell, and after his spell I have become a Zhevra!, He cured my worgen form but now I was a Zhevra, I walked the plains until A'dal knew there was something wrong and found me, he then took me to Khadgar, one of the most powerful Wizards in the world, who gathered all the wizards he knew from near and far to cast a spell that would give me control over all the forms I possessed and could eventually posses, and now I am just living my life as the Princess of Darnassus trying to do all I can to keep the world in balance with all the gifts I had been given.
    Last edited by Huntrod; 2013-07-19 at 06:45 AM.

  2. #2
    You say you're new to roleplaying and that this is a serious attempt, so I'll try to stay nice...

    -Heritage:
    Try to avoid being related to major lore characters. There is no reason to assume Vashj and Illidan were romantically involved in any way (or even that Illidan had any romantic feelings at all for anyone but Tyrande) let alone that they had a child. Even if they did, this child wouldn't even be in its teenage years by now, especially since Night Elves age very slowly. People tend to not take you seriously if you play the child/sibling/parent/cousin twice removed/... of major lorecharacters. Try to keep your origins humble. Sure, you can play someone of noble birth, just as long as that birth doesn't involve anyone mentioned in games, books, comics, etc.

    -Being a princess
    Firstly, the Night Elves do not have a queen. They are ruled by a high priestess. Without a queen to adopt you, you cannot be a princess. Also, playing royalty of any kind is also fairly frowned upon. Much like the above point, try to avoid being close with lore characters. It's okay to have been one of Antonidas' pupils, for example, but not his personal apprentice.

    -All the races ever
    I'll keep this brief: no. Pick one.

    -All the classes ever
    Some classes can be combined (like hunter and rogue) but most are pretty much mutually exclusive. Many types of magic (like holy magic and demonic magic) simply cannot be wielded by the same person. Like race, I advise picking just one class and sticking to it.

    -No weaknesses
    How interesting a character is tends to be directly proportional with the amount of weaknesses they have to overcome. No flaws generally means a very boring character nobody will be interested in.


    In short: I don't think anyone is going to take you or this character seriously if you try to roleplay as her. You might have difficulty finding people to roleplay with on a regular basis. If you want to start RPing, I suggest rewriting your character to be of more humble origins, like for example a priestess of Elune. Not 'the most powerful, best known, and most loved' priestess of Elune. Just 'a' priestess. Give her some flaws, too. Don't make her perfect, because nobody likes that.

  3. #3
    ((Thank you for your feedback , I have done some RPing since my post and the people I met have seemed to like it, but I will keep using this character to see how more people reply, because an hour or two is not enough testing, also where the heritage comes in I read the starting posts and they said to use NPCs and I used the NPCs that came to mind but if I make a different character I will definitely make their NPCs not as major. I am also using world of Warcraft time because world of Warcraft spans over many years unlike how it is when we play it, where a character can be grown up in a matter of patches which really may span over years.))
    Last edited by Huntrod; 2013-07-19 at 08:47 AM.

  4. #4

  5. #5
    Pit Lord Mifuyne's Avatar
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    You again?
    Begone creature.

    Aww yiss
    Last edited by Mifuyne; 2013-07-19 at 10:14 AM.
    http://eu.battle.net/wow/en/characte...fuyne/advanced
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  6. #6
    The Insane
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    Wow, someone's bored....

    Amazing sig, done by mighty Lokann

  7. #7
    High Overlord KiwiFails's Avatar
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    I think just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

    . The Artist also known as Epiphany .

  8. #8
    Scarab Lord Chonar's Avatar
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    Something tells me ya'll will enjoy this comic:

    http://www.interrobangstudios.com/po...p?strip_id=989

    Yes, it's very relevant.

    "Hi! I'm ensign Mary Amethyst Star Enoby Aiko Archer Picard Janeway Sue! I'm your new medical officer!"

    "Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my comrade." - Albert Camus

  9. #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Huntrod View Post
    ((Thank you for your feedback , I have done some RPing since my post and the people I met have seemed to like it, but I will keep using this character to see how more people reply, because an hour or two is not enough testing, also where the heritage comes in I read the starting posts and they said to use NPCs and I used the NPCs that came to mind but if I make a different character I will definitely make their NPCs not as major. I am also using world of Warcraft time because world of Warcraft spans over many years unlike how it is when we play it, where a character can be grown up in a matter of patches which really may span over years.))
    If you're being serious about this you shouldn't use any NPC's. Your character should be able to stand on their own merit, rather than the merit of characters who already have a foundation. Getting your power from lore characters is boring and not at all very good as far as quality is concerned. Characters should have A mentor... just the one, usually, and certainly not a lore character... but a lot of your growth should be internal, not due to external things.

    As well, Warcraft time is not too different from real time. http://www.wowpedia.org/Timeline_%28unofficial%29

    Also no need for OOC text in a discussion thread (like a bio)

    Do the things Lynn said and your character should be much better. Also contacting me is perfectly fine, as per your PM

    One last thing: you should be editing your bio with revisions. Don't just let it lie.

    I do want to make note guys that right now this is considered a serious thread. Keep the conversation strictly on topic and professional.
    Last edited by The Mister Madgod; 2013-07-19 at 01:13 PM.

  10. #10
    The Insane
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    I can't help but question how serious it is though, as the character is part Demon, part Wind-Chime, part pony and part snake - it honestly seems like an RP mock attempt... Or some *really* funky ERP intro character.

    Even if it was to be taken serious, then the race and class combination is beyond impossible. There's aldo the fact that a lot of your info is wrong, Scourge isn't a race it's a faction, and a Nathrezim isn't undead either. And that avatar picture looks like something from the bowels of 4chan...
    Last edited by Venziir; 2013-07-19 at 03:44 PM.

    Amazing sig, done by mighty Lokann

  11. #11
    I have to agree with Venziir. I've seen many concepts from players new to RP, some of them quite spacy, but this reads like something to troll RP. I just can't see how this can be taken serious, and my suspicions start with "I am trying to make [...] an ideal character that also relates me me in the real world".

  12. #12
    Quote Originally Posted by Venziir View Post
    I can't help but question how serious it is though, as the character is part Demon, part Wind-Chime, part pony and part snake - it honestly seems like an RP mock attempt... Or some *really* funky ERP intro character.
    Quote Originally Posted by Apfelsalat View Post
    I have to agree with Venziir. I've seen many concepts from players new to RP, some of them quite spacy, but this reads like something to troll RP. I just can't see how this can be taken serious, and my suspicions start with "I am trying to make [...] an ideal character that also relates me me in the real world".
    As I have said this is being considered a serious bio for the interim but if things remain stagnant or worsen then the proper disciplinary measures will be taken.

    The best thing you can do is if it really is trollish then ignore it and let the thread die, rather than feed it.

  13. #13
    Thank you madgod, I just looked at the getting started and the other starting forums and I saw "Use NPC's: If the roleplay allows it, don't hesitate to bring some NPC's alongside you. It can often bring a lot of depth to a roleplay that might else appear shallow." so I figured I would try to use them to describe a character I liked a related to me in the real world, like I said before, it obviously is not me in the real world it is just an amplified version, I have always been fond of the vampire like features and when I remembered about the Nathrezim I knew I had to have them in my character, and when it comes to the worgen and undead I always thought that it was very primal and raw and just extremely fascinating that people can be brought back to their primal ways of hunting without remorse like sometimes does happen in real life so it is a good metaphor for that, with the Naaru I have always been a very kind and caring person to everyone I see and I always try to see the light in their souls no matter how dark they may come off to be, so I decided to incorporate that, and the Zhevra has to do with not only wow lore where they are peaceful but also have to do with the Chinese zodiac where the horse is a active and energetic being which I am, so that is just how I incorporated my real life into my WoW rp character, but like I said, I will do some more RPing to see if more people like it in WoW, but so far they have liked it

  14. #14
    That refers to RP's and refer to characters that the threadmaster controls rather than the RPers who are participating in that thread. It doesn't refer to canon lore characters.

    And as far as everything else what you are describing is literally impossible. You cannot be an undead nathrezim worgen-zhevra naaru-blessed naga. I find it extremely hard to believe that people in fact truthfully enjoyed this character concept. There are several contradictions in just your mixed race alone, as well as one that isn't even recorded to be possible, nor even hinted at to be a realistic possibility.

    What you are trying to make is a very extreme Mary Sue, something which is considered to be a writing abomination. If I were in your position, I would seriously consider all of the feedback you got here on this forum and make some significant changes. Start with picking one race and only one race. Putting stuff from your life into a character is fine if you do it realistically and minimally. Making an author avatar (essentially a copy of you but with all that cool stuff you wish you had in real life put into a fictional setting) or something extremely outlandish is not the way to do that.
    Last edited by The Mister Madgod; 2013-07-19 at 07:00 PM.

  15. #15
    The Insane
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    Quote Originally Posted by Huntrod View Post
    Thank you madgod, I just looked at the getting started and the other starting forums and I saw "Use NPC's: If the roleplay allows it, don't hesitate to bring some NPC's alongside you. It can often bring a lot of depth to a roleplay that might else appear shallow." so I figured I would try to use them to describe a character I liked a related to me in the real world, like I said before, it obviously is not me in the real world it is just an amplified version, I have always been fond of the vampire like features and when I remembered about the Nathrezim I knew I had to have them in my character, and when it comes to the worgen and undead I always thought that it was very primal and raw and just extremely fascinating that people can be brought back to their primal ways of hunting without remorse like sometimes does happen in real life so it is a good metaphor for that, with the Naaru I have always been a very kind and caring person to everyone I see and I always try to see the light in their souls no matter how dark they may come off to be, so I decided to incorporate that, and the Zhevra has to do with not only wow lore where they are peaceful but also have to do with the Chinese zodiac where the horse is a active and energetic being which I am, so that is just how I incorporated my real life into my WoW rp character, but like I said, I will do some more RPing to see if more people like it in WoW, but so far they have liked it
    A Naaru is a genderless, god-like being of pure Light. A Nathrezim is a manipulative devil that will force you to do stuff against your own will, while most likely sucking your blood and soul - and they might be genderless as well, as we've never heard of a female version. A Worgen is either a cursed Gilnean, cursed Night Elf or a cursed human wolf-cult follower from Northrend who used to serve Arugal. Then there's the Naga part, now being part Naga should be down right impossible, but then again being part God/Werewolf/Demon is also downright impossible. And then there's the part Zhevra - which I won't even comment on.
    Then we have the fact that no one on Azeroth had ever encountered a Dreadlord until 10-12 years ago, and the Naaru, well that's about 7-10 years ago which clashes with the age of your character.

    Then there's the class combination which is just a headache in itself, as the Naga don't have Death Knights, the Night Elves don't have Warlocks, the Nathrezim don't have druids - and zebras have absolutely nothing - they are zebras.

    Then there's the age, 19 huh? That's an odd number honestly, and with the wacko mix of undeath, immortality and being cursed, I have absolutely no idea.

    Even the name "Lillith Sun Moonhaven" is a headache honestly. Lillith is a human name, and the idea of having buth Sun and Moon in the name... Sigh.

    Honestly, I cannot beleive that this is anything but either a mock character, the ultimate Mary Sue or - Mr. Knaak is currently trolling mmo-champion's roleplay forum or trying out a new character idea...

    Amazing sig, done by mighty Lokann

  16. #16
    Ohhhhhhhh ok I understand now, thank you Madgod, and I will take steps to revise my character again, but I really would like to see more feedback then what I have received so far because I did take a lot of time to come up with that character, and thank you everyone for commenting.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Quote Originally Posted by Venziir View Post
    Mary Sue
    Can you please enlighten me on what this means?

  17. #17
    Quote Originally Posted by Huntrod View Post
    Ohhhhhhhh ok I understand now, thank you Madgod, and I will take steps to revise my character again, but I really would like to see more feedback then what I have received so far because I did take a lot of time to come up with that character, and thank you everyone for commenting.
    You've gotten more than enough feedback. I'd focus on rewriting everything.

    This thread has everything you need to make this character solid.

    Remember especially: one race, one class.

  18. #18
    The Insane
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    Quote Originally Posted by Huntrod View Post
    Ohhhhhhhh ok I understand now, thank you Madgod, and I will take steps to revise my character again, but I really would like to see more feedback then what I have received so far because I did take a lot of time to come up with that character, and thank you everyone for commenting.

    - - - Updated - - -



    Can you please enlighten me on what this means?
    Pretty sure Maddy explained the term.

    Amazing sig, done by mighty Lokann

  19. #19
    This feels like the text-based version of a dragonball Z villain. She is most races (even ones that contradict each other), she is unkillable and the most intellectual being in the universe?

    Clearly you're not understanding the concept behind rp'ing. God-mode rp is pointless.

  20. #20
    Quote Originally Posted by Venziir View Post
    Pretty sure Maddy explained the term.
    Ohh ok thank you, just saw it, and what I have learned from playing wow all these years is some thing can not be explained and some are mysterious and to expect the unexpected, take the Mists of Pandaria expansion, the whole thing started from Samwise Didier who drew a picture after the birth of his daughter, then it became an april fools prank in WC3, and eventually it became an amazing expansion, I am not saying my concept is the greatest ever, but great stories have humble beginnings

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