Failed marriage proposals & breakups (america)

[Wildtree]

I thought the blow job was the goal? I think ive been doing it wrong.

Funny you say that...
In my own circle of friends, I have noticed multiple times how marriages entered shaky grounds over compromises made in the beginning that couldn't be sustained over time.
Something like... She doesn't like BJ's, but that's no biggie, I marry her anyway because I love her... some 10 years later that dislike of hers suddenly becomes an issue. Hubby underestimated his desires, envy kicks in, because other buddies getting them all the time. The cheating for that one reason alone starts. And things with the marriage go down south from that point. I know of several cases that are perfectly described with what I just said..

OT: Nope... A failed proposal does not lead to a break up 9 out of 10 times. That's just silly. Proposals getting turned down for various reasons, and have usually little to nothing to do with the other persons feelings towards the one who proposes. It's often just the wrong timing. A break up due to proposal rejection, that's rather an indicator for the proposer not having spent enough time to get to know the other person enough.
You shouldn't make a proposal something much like a shot in the dark. Get to know your significant other. Learn what she/he thinks. If you do that properly you will eventually know whether they want to marry at all, and if so, where and when the time is right to ask.

[Deleted]

When a man proposes to a girl or the other way around and they get rejected, it automatically ends up with them having to break up.
This is happening in about 9/10 of every romantic comedy or anything at all related to romance in American movies.
A friend of mine described the exact same situation when he proposed to his girlfriend. They automatically came to terms with having to break up.

I don't think it has to do with timing in these cases. People that reject a marriage proposal are probably not even truly in love, they're only fooling themselves and this situation is a wake up call to make a conscious decision. Breaking up is the most logical thing to do once you realize the relationship just isn't working.

If someone rejects a proposal because it's just not the right timing I don't think they would break up. They'd probably discuss it and agree it'll have to come later.

[Redmage]

It depends on how they say no really.

If it's a "I can't see myself spending the rest of my life with you" no, then a breakup is probably best... somebody looking to commit should not be wasting time in a relationship not going anywhere.

It it's a "I think we should put off getting married for logical reasons" no, then the proposer should respect the other persons reasons or they can compromise and agree to a long engagement until the time is right to get hitched.

[Vaapad]

It's just America OP. We are the only nation who go through marriage half heartedly. No other country does this. You did the right thing by focusing squarely on the US only.

Typical US bashing thread is typical.

I couldnt think of a better way to say what i was thinking so...this.

[poser765]

I would really be interested in some hard statistics showing how many proposals end in rejection. i would assume it's a VERY small percent. I mean what kind of idiot asks someone to marry them without having discussed the future and already knows the outcome before hand. Christ, my wife picked out her own engagement ring, and when I asked her to marry me, there was no doubt she would say yes.

If you can't have that conversation with you SO, then I would say your relationship is nowhere near where it need to be to consider getting married.

[Deleted]

Pretty much. As much as anyone wants to argue otherwise, if you want to be with a certain someone for the rest of your life, there's no reason NOT to get married. The legal benefits totally outweigh any reason that doesn't revolve around wanting you to be your own.

My mother and her partner are together for years now, and plan to spend the rest of their lives together.
However, both of them already were married once, and decided that they won't marry again. Ever.

The benefits are there, sure, but they aren't that huge.
As long as you don't have children together, not marrying is perfectly viable.

[Seirith]

Honestly, I don't see why marriage proposals should be turned down because shouldn't someone wanting to take the next step talk about first before doing it?

My husband and I talked about becoming engaged before we did and he knew I would say yes and he still was able to surprise me with a ring he picked out and a proposal at night by the lake we visit. It was sweet and romantic but also he knew I was ready.

Had we talked about it and I said I want to wait to get engaged because I was to attend college, get a job etc we would have stayed together and waited. If I said no I just don't ever want to marry you then what's the point of staying together?

- - - Updated - - -

My mother and her partner are together for years now, and plan to spend the rest of their lives together.
However, both of them already were married once, and decided that they won't marry again. Ever.

The benefits are there, sure, but they aren't that huge.
As long as you don't have children together, not marrying is perfectly viable.

I know two people who have been together at least 30 years, are very committed to each other and are not married and in fact live in different houses. They visit each other back and forth, do things together all the time but enjoy their own spaces as well. It works for them and they are very happy together.

[Deleted]

I know two people who have been together at least 30 years, are very committed to each other and are not married and in fact live in different houses. They visit each other back and forth, do things together all the time but enjoy their own spaces as well. It works for them and they are very happy together.

Yup, they also live in different houses, but spend 3-4 evenings per week together.
It works just fine for them, they have a perfectly harmonic relationship and I really can imagine that they will stay together for a long time despite not marrying (which I usually don't).


In the end, the most important thing is that both partners share the same expectations.
If one wants to marry while the other doesn't, this can and probably will lead to problems. If both agree that they don't want to, I don't see any problem with it.
You can commit to each other just as well without it.

Like I said, if you have children, the situation changes a bit. A marriage could make sense then - for both parents and the child.
But that is a different story.

[skatblast]

Because a lot of times a marriage proposal scares people into actually being honest, and admitting they don't want to spend their life with that other person.

Exept hardly anybody that gets married does that anymore. I guess you mean they dont want to spend another year - 20 years max with that person

[Endus]

I know two people who have been together at least 30 years, are very committed to each other and are not married and in fact live in different houses. They visit each other back and forth, do things together all the time but enjoy their own spaces as well. It works for them and they are very happy together.

They aren't all that committed to each other. Happy with each other? Sure. Committed? No. Commitment involves binding, lasting promises. No such promises, and there's no commitment. All it takes is one of them being unhappy and saying "I'm done with you", and their 30-year relationship is gone. The same isn't true of married couples, who have to pursue a divorce, nor is it even true of couples who cohabitate, who have to work out how to divvy up their communal belongings (same is true of married couples, of course).

Having a casual girlfriend for 30 years doesn't mean you're any more committed to her than you were after 6 months. I just means nobody "better" has come along, and you've been happy enough to continue the relationship.


I should emphasize, too, that when I talk about "marriage", here, I'm talking about a lasting binding agreement. I don't really care what faith you have, or don't have, I don't really care if your "marriage" is recognized by your government, I'm talking about the commitment. I'd consider an American Mormon's third wife as much a "marriage" for these purposes (clearly not, for most others), as there's a religious commitment going on there, even if not a legal one. My point is that "not breaking up for decades" isn't the same thing as making a commitment.

[Seirith]

They aren't all that committed to each other. Happy with each other? Sure. Committed? No. Commitment involves binding, lasting promises. No such promises, and there's no commitment. All it takes is one of them being unhappy and saying "I'm done with you", and their 30-year relationship is gone. The same isn't true of married couples, who have to pursue a divorce, nor is it even true of couples who cohabitate, who have to work out how to divvy up their communal belongings (same is true of married couples, of course).

Having a casual girlfriend for 30 years doesn't mean you're any more committed to her than you were after 6 months. I just means nobody "better" has come along, and you've been happy enough to continue the relationship.


I should emphasize, too, that when I talk about "marriage", here, I'm talking about a lasting binding agreement. I don't really care what faith you have, or don't have, I don't really care if your "marriage" is recognized by your government, I'm talking about the commitment. I'd consider an American Mormon's third wife as much a "marriage" for these purposes (clearly not, for most others), as there's a religious commitment going on there, even if not a legal one. My point is that "not breaking up for decades" isn't the same thing as making a commitment.

I am married and could easily decide say I'm done with you,get a divorce and be done with the relationship. Being committed has nothing to do with being married. If I were to divorce my husband our relationship would be over too just as if theirs ended. Also they have made a commitment to each other, help each other out financially and love each other very much. It is not a casual type of relationship at all! it is just how they choose to live. My commitment doesn't come because I am married,it comes because I love him and our life together.

[Endus]

I am married and could easily decide say I'm done with you,get a divorce and be done with the relationship.

Have you gotten divorced? It isn't that easy, or cheap, even if they don't fight it (which they easily could). You just tossed off "get a divorce" as if it were easy.

And yes; I know from personal experience. I'm divorced.

As opposed to if you're NOT married, in which case you can just change the locks and leave their stuff in the street, and unless they shared the lease or ownership, they don't have any case to make against you.

[Seirith]

Have you gotten divorced? It isn't that easy, or cheap, even if they don't fight it (which they easily could). You just tossed off "get a divorce" as if it were easy.

And yes; I know from personal experience. I'm divorced.

As opposed to if you're NOT married, in which case you can just change the locks and leave their stuff in the street, and unless they shared the lease or ownership, they don't have any case to make against you.

I have never been divorced but that doesn't mean that I couldn't if I wanted to. Yes,it is harder than someone not married but as you are divorced you know that it is possible. Marriage does not make people be committed, people make themselves committed. People can commit without marriage and in many different ways. Also, in NY where I live you cannot just kick someone out and change the locks.http://www.lawny.org/index.php/housi...ares-your-home

[pucGG]

If you decline (so to speak) a marriage proposal, that's basically saying, I am not planning on spending my life with you. Some might think "well let's stay together for a while longer because you know... sex and stuff" but ultimately, you just stamped an expiration date on your relationship

[Elegiac]

If you decline (so to speak) a marriage proposal, that's basically saying, I am not planning on spending my life with you. Some might think "well let's stay together for a while longer because you know... sex and stuff" but ultimately, you just stamped an expiration date on your relationship

Even if you say yes, you're not saying that you're planning on spending your life with someone.

Once again, this comes down to unrealistic expectations and artificial value placed on the institution of marriage. The vast, vast majority of relationships do not last "for life", and people that destroy something good simply by acknowledging this fact really need to get their priorities straight.

[smelltheglove]

id have to say the majority fall into 2 camps:

1: sometimes you have to either shit or get off the pot. people sometimes realize they just arent with who they want to go forward with, and decide to move on

2: some people flat out cant take rejection, and call it for that reason

[Rennadrel]

I guess the ultimate goal of a romantic (lol) relationship is to eventually get married down the line, I could see how being rejected during the proposal would put a damper on things.

Now...if things went a little more like this maybe it wouldn't have to end in a breakup:

"My love, my darling~ will you... be my wife?"
"I'm sorry hunny, but the answer is no. But here is a lovely blowjob for you to make it all better now."

A short while later all is forgotten and back to normal.

I dunno, but if I got the same reaction as that one guy did on YouTube when he proposed to his girlfriend of 3 months in a mall, I wouldn't ask a woman to marry me. And honestly, that video was some funny shit too, she just smashed him across the head with a ukelele and stormed off.

[Rukentuts]

I don't understand where this "automatically break up" mentality comes from. Maybe the SO just isn't willing to commit yet. This is far different from not at all.

[Seirith]

I dunno, but if I got the same reaction as that one guy did on YouTube when he proposed to his girlfriend of 3 months in a mall, I wouldn't ask a woman to marry me. And honestly, that video was some funny shit too, she just smashed him across the head with a ukelele and stormed off.

I think the issue is many people would not want to commit a lifetime to someone after 3 months.I know I would never say yes to someone after 3 months, no matter how much I loved them and how well we got along. To me that just isn't enough time together. I would also never propose to someone in public like that if I was not totally 100% sure they would say yes.

[pucGG]

Even if you say yes, you're not saying that you're planning on spending your life with someone.

Once again, this comes down to unrealistic expectations and artificial value placed on the institution of marriage. The vast, vast majority of relationships do not last "for life", and people that destroy something good simply by acknowledging this fact really need to get their priorities straight.

Let's agree to disagree. I'd just like to point out that a small majority of marriages actually do last for life, about 55%, so you're both wrong and shallow.