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  1. #41
    Scarab Lord Atrea's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shiift View Post
    Another fun fact:
    Kids whos parents are divorced rather not get married compared to kids who's parents are still together.
    Is there any data to support this 'fact', or did you literally pluck that one out of thin air?

    My parents have been married for 32 years -- yet I can't see myself actually getting married. I don't see the point.
    (Yes, I am in a relationship -- happily, and we have livde together for nearly 2 years now.)

  2. #42
    Moderator Endus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Psiclonus View Post
    NEVER MAKE A JOINT ACCOUNT! Speaking from experience
    Oddly enough, when I got divorced, I tried to have my ex-wife's name taken off my accounts (we'd already signed off on everything with the lawyer and we'd split our funds and such; I'm not a dick). They told me they couldn't; they could add names, but not remove them, even if we were both there and agreed. So I asked if I could just withdraw everything, and close the account.

    Sure thing!

    Do I need my ex-wife here to do that?

    Nope! Just sign here and here.

    Banks. Christ on a cracker.

  3. #43
    Titan Nixx's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Endus View Post
    "Getting married is a real possibility in the future" is what you feel when you get engaged. You can always break off an engagement, if you feel you need to.

    I think you're talking about "I like you, but I don't LOVE you", in which case, no, it isn't gonna work out. And you're better off breaking his heart rather than stringing him along (gender used only because, traditionally, it's the dude who proposes; feel free to switch it around), because you don't feel the same way about him as he clearly does about you.

    It's also entirely possible that he's jumping the gun and asking you way too early because he's insecure, and that's just another reason to say "no" and move on.

    And if you come back at me with a "no, I totes DO love him, but I just don't want to get tied down/get locked in/etc", then I'd argue that you don't, in fact, love him. You're keeping your options open in case someone better comes along. That's not something you do when you're in love.

    The one exception is if you have serious commitment issues for some reason, but my response then would be 1> get therapy (seriously, it's good stuff, I'm not harshing here), and 2> stop dating people seriously until you work that stuff out. Nor is there anything wrong with just casually dating people and never comitting; I'm not arguing that everyone should be on the marriage-track. Just that if one of you is, and the other isn't, that'll ruin the relationship.
    I don't know if it's a realistic situation that someone may have just legitimately not considered marriage due to a lack of personal emphasis on the institution as opposed to lacking the requisite feelings that would make marriage appropriate, which is what prompted me to ask. Personally, I don't willingly engage in relationships of any kind that will not yield a gain of either desirable material goods or knowledge.

  4. #44
    Quote Originally Posted by Didactic View Post
    Shouldn't the romantic relationship be the goal in of itself?
    I thought the blow job was the goal? I think ive been doing it wrong.

  5. #45
    The Insane Wildtree's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by A Day to Remember View Post
    I thought the blow job was the goal? I think ive been doing it wrong.
    Funny you say that...
    In my own circle of friends, I have noticed multiple times how marriages entered shaky grounds over compromises made in the beginning that couldn't be sustained over time.
    Something like... She doesn't like BJ's, but that's no biggie, I marry her anyway because I love her... some 10 years later that dislike of hers suddenly becomes an issue. Hubby underestimated his desires, envy kicks in, because other buddies getting them all the time. The cheating for that one reason alone starts. And things with the marriage go down south from that point. I know of several cases that are perfectly described with what I just said..

    OT: Nope... A failed proposal does not lead to a break up 9 out of 10 times. That's just silly. Proposals getting turned down for various reasons, and have usually little to nothing to do with the other persons feelings towards the one who proposes. It's often just the wrong timing. A break up due to proposal rejection, that's rather an indicator for the proposer not having spent enough time to get to know the other person enough.
    You shouldn't make a proposal something much like a shot in the dark. Get to know your significant other. Learn what she/he thinks. If you do that properly you will eventually know whether they want to marry at all, and if so, where and when the time is right to ask.
    "The pen is mightier than the sword.. and considerably easier to write with."

  6. #46
    Quote Originally Posted by The Real Greenbean View Post
    When a man proposes to a girl or the other way around and they get rejected, it automatically ends up with them having to break up.
    This is happening in about 9/10 of every romantic comedy or anything at all related to romance in American movies.
    A friend of mine described the exact same situation when he proposed to his girlfriend. They automatically came to terms with having to break up.
    I don't think it has to do with timing in these cases. People that reject a marriage proposal are probably not even truly in love, they're only fooling themselves and this situation is a wake up call to make a conscious decision. Breaking up is the most logical thing to do once you realize the relationship just isn't working.

    If someone rejects a proposal because it's just not the right timing I don't think they would break up. They'd probably discuss it and agree it'll have to come later.

  7. #47
    It depends on how they say no really.

    If it's a "I can't see myself spending the rest of my life with you" no, then a breakup is probably best... somebody looking to commit should not be wasting time in a relationship not going anywhere.

    It it's a "I think we should put off getting married for logical reasons" no, then the proposer should respect the other persons reasons or they can compromise and agree to a long engagement until the time is right to get hitched.

    Slaying 8bit dragons with 6 pixel long swords since 1987.
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  8. #48
    Quote Originally Posted by Palmz View Post
    It's just America OP. We are the only nation who go through marriage half heartedly. No other country does this. You did the right thing by focusing squarely on the US only.

    Typical US bashing thread is typical.
    I couldnt think of a better way to say what i was thinking so...this.

  9. #49
    I would really be interested in some hard statistics showing how many proposals end in rejection. i would assume it's a VERY small percent. I mean what kind of idiot asks someone to marry them without having discussed the future and already knows the outcome before hand. Christ, my wife picked out her own engagement ring, and when I asked her to marry me, there was no doubt she would say yes.

    If you can't have that conversation with you SO, then I would say your relationship is nowhere near where it need to be to consider getting married.
    Get a grip man! It's CHEESE!

  10. #50
    Legendary! Pendra's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by smrund View Post
    Pretty much. As much as anyone wants to argue otherwise, if you want to be with a certain someone for the rest of your life, there's no reason NOT to get married. The legal benefits totally outweigh any reason that doesn't revolve around wanting you to be your own.
    My mother and her partner are together for years now, and plan to spend the rest of their lives together.
    However, both of them already were married once, and decided that they won't marry again. Ever.

    The benefits are there, sure, but they aren't that huge.
    As long as you don't have children together, not marrying is perfectly viable.

  11. #51
    Honestly, I don't see why marriage proposals should be turned down because shouldn't someone wanting to take the next step talk about first before doing it?

    My husband and I talked about becoming engaged before we did and he knew I would say yes and he still was able to surprise me with a ring he picked out and a proposal at night by the lake we visit. It was sweet and romantic but also he knew I was ready.

    Had we talked about it and I said I want to wait to get engaged because I was to attend college, get a job etc we would have stayed together and waited. If I said no I just don't ever want to marry you then what's the point of staying together?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Nivis View Post
    My mother and her partner are together for years now, and plan to spend the rest of their lives together.
    However, both of them already were married once, and decided that they won't marry again. Ever.

    The benefits are there, sure, but they aren't that huge.
    As long as you don't have children together, not marrying is perfectly viable.
    I know two people who have been together at least 30 years, are very committed to each other and are not married and in fact live in different houses. They visit each other back and forth, do things together all the time but enjoy their own spaces as well. It works for them and they are very happy together.

  12. #52
    Legendary! Pendra's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Seirith View Post
    I know two people who have been together at least 30 years, are very committed to each other and are not married and in fact live in different houses. They visit each other back and forth, do things together all the time but enjoy their own spaces as well. It works for them and they are very happy together.
    Yup, they also live in different houses, but spend 3-4 evenings per week together.
    It works just fine for them, they have a perfectly harmonic relationship and I really can imagine that they will stay together for a long time despite not marrying (which I usually don't).


    In the end, the most important thing is that both partners share the same expectations.
    If one wants to marry while the other doesn't, this can and probably will lead to problems. If both agree that they don't want to, I don't see any problem with it.
    You can commit to each other just as well without it.

    Like I said, if you have children, the situation changes a bit. A marriage could make sense then - for both parents and the child.
    But that is a different story.

  13. #53
    Pandaren Monk skatblast's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by smrund View Post
    Because a lot of times a marriage proposal scares people into actually being honest, and admitting they don't want to spend their life with that other person.
    Exept hardly anybody that gets married does that anymore. I guess you mean they dont want to spend another year - 20 years max with that person

  14. #54
    Moderator Endus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Seirith View Post
    I know two people who have been together at least 30 years, are very committed to each other and are not married and in fact live in different houses. They visit each other back and forth, do things together all the time but enjoy their own spaces as well. It works for them and they are very happy together.
    They aren't all that committed to each other. Happy with each other? Sure. Committed? No. Commitment involves binding, lasting promises. No such promises, and there's no commitment. All it takes is one of them being unhappy and saying "I'm done with you", and their 30-year relationship is gone. The same isn't true of married couples, who have to pursue a divorce, nor is it even true of couples who cohabitate, who have to work out how to divvy up their communal belongings (same is true of married couples, of course).

    Having a casual girlfriend for 30 years doesn't mean you're any more committed to her than you were after 6 months. I just means nobody "better" has come along, and you've been happy enough to continue the relationship.


    I should emphasize, too, that when I talk about "marriage", here, I'm talking about a lasting binding agreement. I don't really care what faith you have, or don't have, I don't really care if your "marriage" is recognized by your government, I'm talking about the commitment. I'd consider an American Mormon's third wife as much a "marriage" for these purposes (clearly not, for most others), as there's a religious commitment going on there, even if not a legal one. My point is that "not breaking up for decades" isn't the same thing as making a commitment.

  15. #55
    Quote Originally Posted by Endus View Post
    They aren't all that committed to each other. Happy with each other? Sure. Committed? No. Commitment involves binding, lasting promises. No such promises, and there's no commitment. All it takes is one of them being unhappy and saying "I'm done with you", and their 30-year relationship is gone. The same isn't true of married couples, who have to pursue a divorce, nor is it even true of couples who cohabitate, who have to work out how to divvy up their communal belongings (same is true of married couples, of course).

    Having a casual girlfriend for 30 years doesn't mean you're any more committed to her than you were after 6 months. I just means nobody "better" has come along, and you've been happy enough to continue the relationship.


    I should emphasize, too, that when I talk about "marriage", here, I'm talking about a lasting binding agreement. I don't really care what faith you have, or don't have, I don't really care if your "marriage" is recognized by your government, I'm talking about the commitment. I'd consider an American Mormon's third wife as much a "marriage" for these purposes (clearly not, for most others), as there's a religious commitment going on there, even if not a legal one. My point is that "not breaking up for decades" isn't the same thing as making a commitment.
    I am married and could easily decide say I'm done with you,get a divorce and be done with the relationship. Being committed has nothing to do with being married. If I were to divorce my husband our relationship would be over too just as if theirs ended. Also they have made a commitment to each other, help each other out financially and love each other very much. It is not a casual type of relationship at all! it is just how they choose to live. My commitment doesn't come because I am married,it comes because I love him and our life together.

  16. #56
    Moderator Endus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Seirith View Post
    I am married and could easily decide say I'm done with you,get a divorce and be done with the relationship.
    Have you gotten divorced? It isn't that easy, or cheap, even if they don't fight it (which they easily could). You just tossed off "get a divorce" as if it were easy.

    And yes; I know from personal experience. I'm divorced.

    As opposed to if you're NOT married, in which case you can just change the locks and leave their stuff in the street, and unless they shared the lease or ownership, they don't have any case to make against you.

  17. #57
    Quote Originally Posted by Endus View Post
    Have you gotten divorced? It isn't that easy, or cheap, even if they don't fight it (which they easily could). You just tossed off "get a divorce" as if it were easy.

    And yes; I know from personal experience. I'm divorced.

    As opposed to if you're NOT married, in which case you can just change the locks and leave their stuff in the street, and unless they shared the lease or ownership, they don't have any case to make against you.
    I have never been divorced but that doesn't mean that I couldn't if I wanted to. Yes,it is harder than someone not married but as you are divorced you know that it is possible. Marriage does not make people be committed, people make themselves committed. People can commit without marriage and in many different ways. Also, in NY where I live you cannot just kick someone out and change the locks.http://www.lawny.org/index.php/housi...ares-your-home

  18. #58
    If you decline (so to speak) a marriage proposal, that's basically saying, I am not planning on spending my life with you. Some might think "well let's stay together for a while longer because you know... sex and stuff" but ultimately, you just stamped an expiration date on your relationship

  19. #59
    The Insane Didactic's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pucGG View Post
    If you decline (so to speak) a marriage proposal, that's basically saying, I am not planning on spending my life with you. Some might think "well let's stay together for a while longer because you know... sex and stuff" but ultimately, you just stamped an expiration date on your relationship
    Even if you say yes, you're not saying that you're planning on spending your life with someone.

    Once again, this comes down to unrealistic expectations and artificial value placed on the institution of marriage. The vast, vast majority of relationships do not last "for life", and people that destroy something good simply by acknowledging this fact really need to get their priorities straight.
    Right, as the world goes, is only in question between equals in power, while the strong do what they can and the weak suffer what they must.
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  20. #60
    id have to say the majority fall into 2 camps:

    1: sometimes you have to either shit or get off the pot. people sometimes realize they just arent with who they want to go forward with, and decide to move on

    2: some people flat out cant take rejection, and call it for that reason
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