How to deal with people who go back on their word?

[Deleted]

And are generally dishonest, breaking promises, have double standards and willing to lie and steal. I know, most would suggest avoiding these people, breaking contact. But what if it's not an option or is very difficult because they're your parents, siblings, spouses, children or very dear friends.

In my case it's my mom. She's not a bad person but shes a chronic liar and never keeps her promises. Even very important ones. The worst part is that she always justifies it and never even apologizes or admits her faults.

For example the most recent one. Im a college student and still live at home (really big house, lots of room, basically got my own apartment) but I pay my bills, buy my own food, clothes etc. Like 6 months ago she started complaining that I live her but don't give any money for house improvement. My parents spend a lot on it, build new rooms, greenhouses in the garden, gazebos, new roofs, boiler systems etc. So in the end I agreed to pay my share if I have a say on what we spend it on and they couldnt just use it for buying themselves new furniture and stuff like that.

A week ago we had a discussion about Halloween decorations and she complained that money is tight now and if I wanted I could buy them myself so I mentioned the "home improvement fund" (we agreed that I would pay $500 every month) and apparently she had spent all of it on a new car for herself because the old one broke. We had a huge argument because of it and she acts like it's my fault even though we had an agreement. To me it's pretty much the same as stealing so I told her that I wouldn't be paying it any more and haven't spoken to her since.

It's not just that though, she always behaves like that, promises to pick me up, then never arrives and if I bring it up, she acts like it was my fault and promises are meant to be broken.

So anyway, tl;dr, the title.. and also is there any way to get through to people like that and change them or show them that what they're doing is wrong?

[THE Bigzoman]

Not really. Disconnect from them as much as you can. No way around it, even if it is a loved one.

[THE Bigzoman]

Obviously not.

Blood is just blood. It's a coincidental relationship that has no meaning. When you have no further use for them, end the relationship.

Thats brutal. "Just blood"

[Deleted]

Obviously not.

Blood is just blood. It's a coincidental relationship that has no meaning. When you have no further use for them, end the relationship.

The problem is that my mom is not a terrible person and my childhood wasn't horrible (even though she lied a lot and was unfair and always justified it somehow even back then).

[v2prwsmb45yhuq3wj23vpjk]

The way you describe it makes your parents seem wasteful with money. What are these new rooms for? Why do they have money for a garden but need your money for a car?

[Deleted]

I don't see the issue.

So you think there is no "cure" for chronic liars? Yea I know she doesn't see it as a problem obviously and doesn't even want to change but completely breaking contact with her just sounds harsh and wouldn't be easy me either.

- - - Updated - - -

The way you describe it makes your parents seem wasteful with money. What are these new rooms for? Why do they have money for a garden but need your money for a car?

They aren't exactly poor.. and they usually have money, the problem was that she used the money that was supposed to go on home improvement for her new car.

[cherb]

Obviously not.

Blood is just blood. It's a coincidental relationship that has no meaning. When you have no further use for them, end the relationship.

I bet you're a treat at family reunions, or just to be around in general. That might be the most selfish thing I've ever read. If you're cool being selfish I guess that's on you, but a decent human being can forgive and work out a problem instead of turning their back on it like a coward.

OP: That sounds like a shitty situation, and I don't think you should be expected to pay more than agreed upon, but you also shouldn't just straight give up on your mom because you 'have no further use for them' (it's painful to even say that about someones parent)

[Deleted]

Move out. Get everything in writing, etc.

[Mayhem]

if you can´t/won´t break contact, stop asking for promises, avoid these situations

if you can´t rely on a person don´t ask for anything

[thedingleberry]

Nothing personal, but the mom sounds like a real tool.

[v2prwsmb45yhuq3wj23vpjk]

They aren't exactly poor.. and they usually have money, the problem was that she used the money that was supposed to go on home improvement for her new car.

What kind of home improvement specifically?

[Deleted]

Move out. Get everything in writing, etc.

Oh trust me, I've tried. She just find an excuse to break it even then, starts yelling and screaming if I bring it up and I guess the only way would be to take it to court but obviously that might not be a very good idea, especially if its something small, like for example if she promises to take care of my dog for a few hours, then tells me she has other plans at the last moment when its too late to ask someone else.

- - - Updated - - -

What kind of home improvement specifically?

Pretty much everything starting from buying new light bulbs and holiday decorations and ending with new roofs, heating system, building new rooms or greenhouses.

[v2prwsmb45yhuq3wj23vpjk]

Pretty much everything starting from buying new light bulbs and holiday decorations and ending with new roofs, heating system, building new rooms or greenhouses.

What kind of home improvement specifically? As in, what would you have had her spend the money on specifically other than a car? What currently needs the money? Why the fuck do you consider a new room more important than a car?

[Samitsu]

I can't believe some parents have big houses and they complain about kids living there when they go to college. We have a small house and my dad refused to accept any money for rent when I lived there while going to school. Parents are supposed to take care of their kids, not take advantage of them.

[Belloc]

Might I suggest that you start immediately breaking every agreement you make with your mom and start making absurd excuses for everything? Let her see how it feels and maybe she might understand that what she's doing is wrong.

You'd probably want to inform your father of these plans (assuming he can keep it a secret) so that he isn't affected by them... and it'll probably hurt to enact it, but it would sort of put the problem right in her face.

[Mayhem]

What kind of home improvement specifically? As in, what would you have had her spend the money on specifically other than a car? What currently needs the money? Why the fuck do you consider a new room more important than a car?

i think you miss the point

[v2prwsmb45yhuq3wj23vpjk]

i think you miss the point

No, I didn't.

[Mayhem]

No, I didn't.

it´s not about what is bought, but that she had no say in it, although that was the agreement

[Deleted]

No, I didn't.

Yes you did.. why does it even matter? The point is that she took the money that was to be used on something that benefits the entire family on something for herself and more importantly, she didn't ask anyone, she has no intention of putting it back and she believes what she did was completely justified and right.

[v2prwsmb45yhuq3wj23vpjk]

Yes you did.. why does it even matter? The point is that she took the money that was to be used on something that benefits the entire family on something for herself and more importantly, she didn't ask anyone, she has no intention of putting it back and she believes what she did was completely justified and right.

it´s not about what is bought, but that she had no say in it, although that was the agreement

I didn't miss any point, I think it's petty and the OP is leaving out a lot of details. I think both parties are probably fiscally irresponsible, and that buying a car that the entire family can utilize at some point is a far better decision than buying Halloween decorations or building a garden. If there are enough cars that this isn't an issue, then I have trouble feeling empathetic to somebody so wealthy when it comes to money.