Life/Relationship Advice

[Verreck]

Hey guys, so i am the kinda of person to just kinda locks all my feelings and stress up on the inside and am to afraid to ask friends/family for advice. So i guess i figured it would be easier to ask strangers that do not know me instead. (going to try and make this as short as i can while giving you all the info)

Past:
My problem right now is that about 2 years or so ago when i was 20 my parents made a move from Chicago to FL. I was living with my parents at the time while attending a community college and working, I also had a girlfriend that i dated for 4 years(all though high school) who also basically lived with me at the time. Anyway i had a decision i had to make stay in IL or move to FL, if i stayed in IL i would have to cut my school down to about 2 classes a semester and find a full time job to support myself. If i went to FL i could stay with my parents and continue my education at another community college while attending full time. Downfall was i would have to leave my girlfriend in IL. So skip ahead i ended up moving to FL WITH my Girlfriend, but after about 6 months she grew home sick(really close to her family) and told me that she was going to go back to IL with or without me but she really wanted me to come. So we finished out the semester and moved into her parents house in IL.

Now:
Going on 2 years now we are still living at her parents house, i want to move out because i am just not happy living here anymore. I want to move out but she dose not, i ask her how she would feel if i got a roommate or lived on my own and she always says "that would be taking a step back in our relationship." We constantly seem to be fighting these days and i really believe its because of the stress that comes from always being around her family and i just don't feel like that this place is really my "own". On top of that i have no family out here anymore and that is starting to be rather hard on me around holidays and other events. I find myself thinking for the past year or so that maybe i am missing out on a lot of things on life because iv been in a relationship for so long now being 23. And i seem to be asking myself a lot is this the girl i want to marry? I do want to note that she is an amazing person and beautiful woman and i do love her. But i have my concerns that i could be missing out on life sometimes with single friends and such. I also find myself thinking about moving back to FL a lot and starting over. My current job lets me work from anywhere as long as i have Internet.

Question:
What do you guys think i should do here i need opinions, life advice, anything. Should i stick it out in IL or should i start fresh in FL and see where life takes me.

BIG THANK YOU to any of you that take the time to read this(i know its a lot)and posts a reply. And sorry for any spelling/grammar errors trying to get type this up fast.

[Blueobelisk]

*cough* What do you work as?

If I were you, I'd probably stick around Chicago and move out. I'm sure she'll follow you and move in with you. You already spent 6 years with her, if it doesn't seem broken and you really like her don't leave her.

Btw how do you have single friends who you're jealous of? If you really have friends around then you shouldn't miss your family --THAT-- much, it should be tolerable.

[Payday]

Stay with the girl but get your own place. Big boy pants and all that.

[Shuji V2]

She sounds like she is putting her own interest before the collective interest. That for me is a red flag. I assume you want to be with someone who wants to move forward with you? Not with someone who can't leave her comfort zone. I mean, that said, she may have lost all interest in you and doesn't want to progress through life with you. The arguing enforces that too.

Time to move on?

[benplace]

I would level a Mage

[Faible]

Sit down, pop that bottle of whiskey, boot up WoW.

[Blueobelisk]

Jajaja well if you miss your family that much imagine how much she misses hers. I don't blame you for a fear of flying but flying is safer than driving. That isn't going to persuade you, but just saying, for a big holiday you may consider flying.

I'm kind of curious about living conditions now (how many people in the house, how big the house is, etc.) and how your relationship with her family is.

[Moondance]

Jajaja well if you miss your family that much imagine how much she misses hers. I don't blame you for a fear of flying but flying is safer than driving. That isn't going to persuade you, but just saying, for a big holiday you may consider flying.

I'm kind of curious about living conditions now (how many people in the house, how big the house is, etc.) and how your relationship with her family is.

This, also...some possible racial differences? I lived with my bf for all of two months, and I could not STAND his family's cultural influence -_-

[Themius]

I am lost as to why it would be a stepback..

[Verreck]

Her parents house is nice house, it is a 4 bedroom house and i share a very small bathroom with my girlfriend. I have my own room kinda where i have my TV and comp and a couch i bought. But i sleep with my girlfriend in her room most nights. There are 5 of us that live here mother,father,sister and my girlfriend and I, i get along good with everyone and great with her father. But I do get really annoyed with them a lot. Her mom drives me crazy sometimes and so does her sister. Also they have 3 cats and i am allergic to cats, so that's fun they also keep the upstairs cat box in my bathroom and the cats never use the "inside" of it and that gets old really quick. But kinda like i said in my first post it just does not feel like my "home", i feel like i need to tip toe around sometimes when i get home at 2am from a night out or if i have guests over.

- - - Updated - - -

I am lost as to why it would be a stepback..

Because we are already living together. That is what she says.

[dez1216]

If you decide you want to continue your relationship with this girl I would move out into your own place. Get a short lease on an apartment if possible (3-6 months) and see how your relationship works out. If she moves in (or doesn't w/e really) and it doesn't improve then move back to Florida when the lease is up. If it does improve, when the lease is up reconsider again if you really really want to move to Florida to be closer to family. If you do then explain to your girlfriend that you need to do this in order to be completely happy. Offer again for her to come with you and get your own place in Florida together. If she says no because she needs her family to really be completely happy (which I'm sure if you are in the same boat you'd understand) then it is time to part ways with her respectfully. The relationship won't work if one of you is always truly unhappy living so far from family. Better to let go and part ways, even if it is hard and find your own ways where you are happy living and hopefully when you're ready, a new partner who is happy where they are too.

[Verreck]

This, also...some possible racial differences? I lived with my bf for all of two months, and I could not STAND his family's cultural influence -_-

No cultural differences. And this just might be me but i feel when you live with people and see people everyday little things that would not bother you start to bother you a lot. Of course there is other things that bother me that they do that i have different opinions on in terms of if its right or wrong but i do not want to get into that.

[Deleted]

No cultural differences. And this just might be me but i feel when you live with people and see people everyday little things that would not bother you start to bother you a lot. Of course there is other things that bother me that they do that i have different opinions on in terms of if its right or wrong but i do not want to get into that.

I think alot of the problem is having too many adults under one roof.

I come from a fairly big family. It was all fun and games (well, not all, but mostly) until I turned 20 and couldn't stand the sight of any of them anymore. And these were my OWN family. Since moving out, my relationship with my family has become SO much better.

But, OT:

I'd say you have to tell her how you feel. And get your own place. If she wants to live with you, she can do it there. If she wants to live with her parents that badly, then you'll simply have to take that step back. There's no reason you should feel bad just because she has this illogical need to live with her parents at 23 (I assume she's your age).

[dez1216]

I think alot of the problem is having too many adults under one roof.

I come from a fairly big family. It was all fun and games (well, not all, but mostly) until I turned 20 and couldn't stand the sight of any of them anymore. And these were my OWN family. Since moving out, my relationship with my family has become SO much better.

But, OT:

I'd say you have to tell her how you feel. And get your own place. If she wants to live with you, she can do it there. If she wants to live with her parents that badly, then you'll simply have to take that step back. There's no reason you should feel bad just because she has this illogical need to live with her parents at 23 (I assume she's your age).

Yea, biggest thing, is get your own place. Make it clear that she is welcome to move in with you. Even if she doesn't right away the door is open if she changes her mind.

[Dawnseven]

Ugh. If you miss your family then she should understand that just like you did when she missed hers ... no? You guys really have to decide, each for yourselves, what's more important. It's stressful when one person has the safety of family and familiarity and the other doesn't (or at least, not to the same degree) and I would think that prolonging your situation is just going to end up building resentment. Don't you think? I talked this exact same thing out with my husband when we were dating. He was born and raised and Texas, I was from New York. He couldn't see himself living in upstate NY (he's a city boy ) and I couldn't imagine trying to get around Houston (country girl), but we decided that we DID want to be together. Sooo... we decided the fair thing was to "meet in the middle". We looked at map and decided on the mid-atlantic. From there it was kind of eenie meenie miney mo since neither one of us knew a soul within 500 miles. (Virginia won btw ... because it's "for lovers" LOL -- Who picks a place to live based on the tourism slogan? We did.) Anyway, it worked out just fine. I kept my job to pay the rent while he moved and looked for work. It took him 2 weeks to find a job and as soon as he did I gave my two week notice and then joined him and found a job myself a week later. 2 years later we were married. It's been 16 years, we're still here, and we miss our families, but at least we're both in the same boat and try to visit them as often as possible.

P.S. For whatever it's worth, I don't agree with the "step back" thing. You're not really living together, you're both living with her parents. I'm sorry, but it's not the same thing.

[Verreck]

Thank you for your post Dawnseven great story!

[dez1216]

That's a very good suggestion too, meeting in the middle. Course, if she won't move out of her parents place just to live like... a block away, I dunno if she'd move a few states away either lol

[Dawnseven]

Thank you for your post Dawnseven great story!

Why thank you sir. It worked for us. Obviously it's not for everybody. I wish you the best of luck.

(And because I can't help myself let me say, I hear Nashville is lovely this time of year. You know ... not to hot, not too cold, lovely mountain vistas... http://www.nashville.com/relocate.html ROFL)

[rogueMatthias]

I say propose! DO IT! Then if she says yes (as all girls do, it's not necessarily a good sign) you can be all like "lols we cant live at your parents house as a married couple, that would be such a step back! BURRRNNNN BUURRRNNNN"
Then you can both move out!

Disclaimer : I have been told by many people to never EVER give any kind of relationship advice to anyone, ever.

[trebor]

I think your girlfriend needs to realize that taking a step back in a relationship is not necessarily a bad thing. If moving out leads to you being happier then I don't really see the downside. Calmly tell her that you'd be happier if you guys took a step back, I'm sure she'll understand. At this point in the relationship I'm pretty confident she knows you love her and that you don't want to leave her, and make that clear to her. A relationship where one person isn't happy never works, so you wanting to move out actually means you care about the relationship and want it to work out between the two of you.