Rate my poems, please!

[Shinrael]

Short background story: I used to play Yu-Gi-Oh for a long time up till an year ago ( got a bit bored I guess ) though I still watch the animes. In one of its series ( 5D's for those who know it ) summoning chants were introduced ( basically short 2-4 row poems ) which introduced your ace/favourite monster and so on. That really inspired me and soon after I was already making my own short poems. I really really like some of them and I want to see what people can tell me, I want to know if they really are good or do I need to practise more.

Searing will and raging spirit will burst at once!
Majestic flare light will shine upon and a super nova shall be born!
The blood will boil and the mind will shout! Burst, Red Nova Dragon!

From the sky descend,
through the time transcend!
From the stars be born,
guide this world forlorn!
The brightest light - Starform Dragon!

In the darkest night,
in a hopeless fight,
with hearts full of might,
we charge towards the future bright!

( this one is my favourite, the first verse might remind you of green lantern oath but other than that its my very very own precious poem <3 )

Monstrous strength infuses my soul,
just like ants in a dragon's maw,
my enemies I banish,
in eternal shadows they will vanish!
Phase into reality the moment I call,
you, incarnation of power raw!
[Insert cool name here hehe]

In the darkness he hides,
the shadows he rides.
In hope he does not believe,
because in a dark world he does live.
His hatred I consume,
and upon my enemies triumph!
Emerge from the shadows,
Grapha, Dragon Lord of Dark World!

Seething embers trigger my power,
as if a blooming flower,
it shall spread its colour,
bringing all the sorrow,
that the heart contains,
in the form of searing rains!

Holy mark of the light is carved on his shoulder right!
His heart is full of might which like a newborn star is bright!
Shine upon, Divine Hieratic Dragon - Ennead!

From the depths of my hatred he shall rise,
all enemies of mine in him will face demise!
Surface! Number 32: Shark Drake!

Here is a rather sad one imo, I never showed this to my friend and things kind of fixed with time so let's just enjoy the poem itself :P

Your ignorance I cannot stand.
Why won't you ever understand?

How many times need I repeat?
Your promise lasts (but) a heartbeat.

And much to your dismay,
It's you who is astray.

And much to your dismay,
Your rules I won't obey.

It's so easy to deny,
But this time I won't comply.

And without a second thought,
I leave you for the peace I've always sought!

Note: ALL of my poems are based on a specific situation or a theme. That's often quite the restriction which is the reason some of them don't sound good. I have more poems in my notepad file but these are my favourite ones. I get inspiration from listening to good music ( soundtracks most of the time ) and from certain events in the movies and animes I watch.

Please rate and comment Thank you

Edit: Someone already downvoted Q_Q Atleast post a comment explaining what I could improve...

[Kalis]

You shoehorn words into your poems that don't really fit, presumably due to liking how they sound or the fact that they rhyme, with no apparent interest for how they affect the poem iself.

You don't need to use "cool" sounding words for an effective poem.

Here is a famous example that uses a very simple construction but gets the point across (note the American pronunciation of vase):

Ode on a Grecian Urn summarized

Gods chase
Round vase.
What say?
What play?
Don't know.
Nice, though.


Your last poem sounds like a moody teenager wrote it, though it is arguably your best constructed one.

Overall, I'd say they were pretty poor attempts at standalone poetry; as part of a cartoon, where people don't pay attention to every word, then they could work.

[Velaniz]

I like some of them, but you have a tendency to resort to words that really only rhyme if you twist their pronunciation a bit.

Your first verse for instance. The last words of each sentence are 'once', 'born', and 'dragon'. It takes away from from the euphonious value of the poem when you alter how those words are normally pronounced so they sound somewhat alike. That's where I'd touch up on first.

[Shinrael]

You shoehorn words into your poems that don't really fit, presumably due to liking how they sound or the fact that they rhyme, with no apparent interest for how they affect the poem iself.

You don't need to use "cool" sounding words for an effective poem.

Your last poem sounds like a moody teenager wrote it, though it is arguably your best constructed one.

Overall, I'd say they were pretty poor attempts at standalone poetry; as part of a cartoon, where people don't pay attention to every word, then they could work.

No no :/ I didn't put words there because I like them. All of the words I've used are there exactly because they fit the theme. I guess it's my fault because you guys aren't familiar with the theme/the monster that each chant introduces and so on. I do know that there are some that don't rhyme that well but then again I don't pretend to be good at it.

As to the last poem, perhaps it was written by a moody teenager, I might still be one, who knows. It wasn't as dramatic as it sounds. But I wanted to write a good poem.

I like some of them, but you have a tendency to resort to words that really only rhyme if you twist their pronunciation a bit.

Your first verse for instance. The last words of each sentence are 'once', 'born', and 'dragon'. It takes away from from the euphonious value of the poem when you alter how those words are normally pronounced so they sound somewhat alike. That's where I'd touch up on first.

Nooo, the names of the monsters aren't part of the poem itself. The poem introduces the monster. And the first verse ( searing will and raging spirit will burst at once ) isn't supposed to rhyme with born. The first one is only supposed to be rhytmic, it's my very first poem and back then I didn't put a lot of focus on rhymes themselves :/



Can the people who downvote atleast give a reason like the 2 guys above? Thanks in advance!

[Kalis]

No no :/ I didn't put words there because I like them. All of the words I've used are there exactly because they fit the theme. I guess it's my fault because you guys aren't familiar with the theme/the monster that each chant introduces and so on. I do know that there are some that don't rhyme that well but then again I don't pretend to be good at it.

They may fit the theme, but they make the poems just a collection of words.

I'll give you a breakdown of one of your poems:

Seething embers trigger my power,
as if a blooming flower,
it shall spread its colour,

'Seething embers' - this is fine. It evokes rage, fire, destruction.

'as if a blooming flower, it shall spread its colour' - this has the exact opposite effect of the previous line. Flowers portray gentleness, beauty of nature, life.

Flower, used here, is an example of shoehorning a word in for no apparent reason, other than that it rhymes. It destroys any image of glowing coals, or whatever you were trying to depict with your first line, and relaces it with a field of bluebells.

bringing all the sorrow,
that the heart contains,
in the form of searing rains!

Why does the heart contain sorrow? You haven't elicited any emotion in the previous lines that could direct us toward feeling this. We have anger from your first line, but no evidence that you are unhappy at that anger, in fact the next two lines appear to suggest you quite like it as you equate it with flowers blooming.


Keep the 1st, 4th, 5th and 6th lines, ditch the 2nd and 3rd and replace them with something that evokes a sadness that having this power brings to tie it in with the ending.

Here is an example of what I mean about evoking a sadness with the 2nd and 3rd lines. I tried to use words to fit the overall style, not particularly successfully though, as it isn't how I would write;

Seething embers trigger my power,
Those once beloved,
before me cower,
bringing all the sorrow,
that my heart contains,
in the form of searing rains!

[Statix]

I read your poems before I read your introduction, but I had already deduced you were a Yu-Gi-Oh fan. Tried watching 5D, but that whole Synchro monster crap, I just couldn't deal with it.

I like your poems, particularly the one for Starform Dragon.

[Shinrael]

They may fit the theme, but they make the poems just a collection of words.

I'll give you a breakdown of one of your poems:



'Seething embers' - this is fine. It evokes rage, fire, destruction.

'as if a blooming flower, it shall spread its colour' - this has the exact opposite effect of the previous line. Flowers portray gentleness, beauty of nature, life.

Flower, used here, is an example of shoehorning a word in for no apparent reason, other than that it rhymes. It destroys any image of glowing coals, or whatever you were trying to depict with your first line, and relaces it with a field of bluebells.



Why does the heart contain sorrow? You haven't elicited any emotion in the previous lines that could direct us toward feeling this. We have anger from your first line, but no evidence that you are unhappy at that anger, in fact the next two lines appear to suggest you quite like it as you equate it with flowers blooming.


Keep the 1st, 4th, 5th and 6th lines, ditch the 2nd and 3rd and replace them with something that evokes a sadness that having this power brings to tie it in with the ending.

Here is an example of what I mean about evoking a sadness with the 2nd and 3rd lines. I tried to use words to fit the overall style, not particularly successfully though, as it isn't how I would write;

Seething embers trigger my power,
Those once beloved,
before me cower,
bringing all the sorrow,
that my heart contains,
in the form of searing rains!

The theme is fire. Seething embers trigger my power ( my power is fire ), that fire, as if a blooming flower, shall spread its colour. You make the wrong assumption that flowers only symbolize life and beauty. In this poem flowers's colours symbolize the fire. You can even say that those seething embers give life to the fire. That's why it is "as if". "those once beloved, before me cower" does rhyme indeed and does have a significant meaning within itself but it has nothing to do with the meaning/theme of the poem.

Every person has sorrow in himself. Even if you are the happiest person on the planet, even if you are always gleaming with joy. There is always a bit sadness that lies within and only shows itself at the right time. And that sorrow, contained in ANYone's heart, not just mine, turns into hatred and anger and so it takes the form of searing rains.

You erupt in fire out of anger and all the emotions you've stored just further empower your anger.

The poem is far from perfect, not even that good, but if you are questioning its overall meaning, this is my answer for you.

- - - Updated - - -

I read your poems before I read your introduction, but I had already deduced you were a Yu-Gi-Oh fan. Tried watching 5D, but that whole Synchro monster crap, I just couldn't deal with it.

I like your poems, particularly the one for Starform Dragon.

It's one of my latest poems and I've searched a lot for words with a meaning that fits the theme and that rhyme well.