I don't understand my father

[Jagoex]

I can yes, I accepted the reality and pity him

In my opinion, that's on the right track. Kudos to working through it. The next step may be moving past pity, to nothing at all - a most-difficult step for many to take, that being complete emotional independence.

Good luck to you.

[THE Bigzoman]

You made a gross generalization - an unfounded, critical one - based on your singular experience with a tiny, fractional portion of a population composed of millions. Your second and third posts were purely antagonistic. Granted, others are doing far worse, and my comment above would have been far more appropriate directed at Cruor, for example, but the issue and antisocial traits running rampant in this thread remains the same. It's a shame, really.

Adam, I do not know if you saw my earlier question so I'll repeat it: can you be happy if your dad was no longer in your life?

A generalization? I never suggested that his dad preferred alcohol and women. They were just suggestions and nothing more to establish examples of what his dad could possibly perfer. And I already acknowledged that my antagonistic posts were in response to how people were bad mouthing there dads. So yeah.

[TEHPALLYTANK]

That is it? That is like a freaking emotional paper cut. I wish my issues with my father were so fucking insignificant.

[THE Bigzoman]

I can yes, I accepted the reality and pity him

Dear fucking a god.

A farther being there for his kid throughout what most people would define as childhood despite divorce warrants pity?

To me, it warrants a "good shit dude."

[Deleted]

Dear fucking a god.

A farther being there for his kid throughout what most people would define as childhood despite divorce warrants pity?

To me, it warrants a "good shit dude."

He disowned his entire family including grandchildren

[Deleted]

So your father stopped treating you like a child at mid 20's, is what you're saying? Because I don't see why two grown men would have to see each other if one doesn't want to. You have to understand that being a father or a mother doesn't mean they're a parent.

[THE Bigzoman]

He disowned his entire family including grandchildren

He was still there until you became a legal adult. Does his bad suddenly overflow him being good? He could of been like a lot of deadbeats and bailed immediately following the divorce with the exception of child support.

Now I may come off as antagonistic, but you are just sounding flat out ungrateful. I wonder how many children experiencing divorce worldwide would LOVE to be in your shoes when it came to your farther.

[Deleted]

Actually he wasn't there from age 13. Also stop the SOMEBODY IS WORST OF SOMEWHERE ELSE. I aren't denying that, there's somebody worst off than everybody. Am I saying he was a bad father during age 1-13? No. Am I saying he was a bad dad post 13? Yes! Worlds worst dad? Far from it.

[THE Bigzoman]

Growing up I had a good relationship with my father, we did usual father - son activities. Then after the divorce he moved 4 miles away and saw me every weekend and alternative Fridays I visited him.

This^^^, ended at 13?

[Jagoex]

As a father, my obligation to my kids does not automatically stop when they turn 18. At that age, I am not LEGALLY responsible for them, but I am still their dad. Their emotional experience will always be one of my priorities, and I tend to be the kind of person who does more than what is minimally expected of me, since the minimal amount is usually far from efficient (especially with regards to parenting). It is sad that so many of you do not define your own paternal roles in such a manner (likely because you are not fathers yourselves), and it speaks volumes about how your dads may have behaved (and may continue to behave) in your life and why many expectations of fatherhood in this tread are so very low.

In short, dads don't get a pass just because they were present from birth to 18. The legacy they leave is one of life-long action, or lack there-of.

[Deleted]

This^^^, ended at 13?

Divorce happened at age 12, when I was 13 I no longer visited due to access and I saw him 4 hours a week, sometimes not even that. However regardless of that being a parent doesn't end at 18... That's a ridiculous notion

[cabyio]

A few notes beforehand to explain everything:

I am 27 and have a disability that's ultimately terminal (estimated life span is 18)
I am the youngest of three
My parents divorced in 1998 after my father had an affair with my mothers best friend (my friends mother)

Growing up I had a good relationship with my father, we did usual father - son activities. Then after the divorce he moved 4 miles away and saw me every weekend and alternative Fridays I visited him. My brother and father had already fallen out by this time over sexuality and the affairs. Despite my parents been frosty they tolerated each other and the arrangement worked ok for years. Eventually his visits became less and his new home wasn't accessible. He had a new partner (who to this day I have never met) and the visits limited to monthly and eventually longer. He blamed money & health yet still visited my sister and his grandchildren whom lived literally a 10 minute walk away. Now I wasn't angry or jealous just disappointed. Eventually my mother met somebody and the visits became 4x a year. After 8 months from my 25th birthday (which he didn't see me) I contacted him via FB. He gave excuses and I gave home truth, he accepted his mistakes and agreed to meet me every week for an hour or two. This arangement worked out for 2 months until it stopped. His excuse "He found it difficult"

It's been probably 18 months since I last saw him. Turned out he was telling my sister he was visiting me after visiting her which wasn't true. He hasn't seen my sister and his grandchildren in 6 months. He even ignored his grandaughter (who's 17) in town. I just don't understand him.

Man I wish my parents would leave me alone for that long! Why would you ever want to see your parent(s) every week?

[Deleted]

Man I wish my parents would leave me alone for that long! Why would you ever want to see your parent(s) every week?

I would be happy seeing him once a month.

[Deleted]

I would be happy seeing him once a month.

I've lost 222 months with my father now, on account of him being dead. I'm of the age that he still should be with me (34). My mother has had her brain fried by Alzheimer's for a good 10-11 years as well. I'm sure my story is of the least shitty end here. As far as parents go, the fact that you have them, you're infinitely more lucky than some of us.

As far as how long we all have, I'm sure I'm digging a fast grave here myself, and with the heart disease and Alzheimer in my gene pool, I'm not looking to live to be a hundred. Or even 70. That's the positive outcome. Some of us cut our stay short, some shorter than others, but it's not fun for any of us who have to do so.

I still think you should concentrate on what you have, and what you still will have. Fuck all the rest.

[Deleted]

It's not really a my life is worst contest

[Jagoex]

It's not really a my life is worst contest

This. Some people have more to work on than they realize. It's ironic that many of them are telling you to "get over it" when clearly they are dealing with issues themselves.

[Aeluron Lightsong]

This. Some people have more to work on than they realize. It's ironic that many of them are telling you to "get over it" when clearly they are dealing with issues themselves.

No but I feel showing my own experiences to other people so they know they aren't the only ones having issues.

[Deleted]

No but I feel showing my own experiences to other people so they know they aren't the only ones having issues.

I don't think anybody believes they're the only one issues though

[Jagoex]

No but I feel showing my own experiences to other people so they know they aren't the only ones having issues.

Indeed - but there is a very big difference between validating and invalidating responses. What you are doing is positive. However, others are attempting to invalidate the OP's experience by essentially stating that they had it the same or worse and don't care, so he shouldn't, etc. It's a little self-centered and arrogant, to believe that one's own experiences are universal - not healthy at all.

[Deleted]

You can't appreciate what you have unless you understand what it would be like if you didn't have it.