Relationship Advice Needed

[Deleted]

Hey, im quite desperate on who to ask, but whatever im going to mmo-champion to ask it, since i believe some people here are actually really nice and good at stuff like this.

let me explain the situation. i met a girl in my holiday, it was time to move back and we kept messaging each other on our mobiles. already when i was there it was clear that we started to love each other. now we kinda have a distance relationship going on, a lot of texting and we usually skype/video call every other evening. i cant really visit her, the flight costs a fortune and yea....

now the question or what i need advice with. the whole twist to the story is that she lives far away. and by far, i mean far. six hours time difference. this is what makes it very hard for me, and i reckon for her, too. basically it fucks my sleep schedule because im staying up very long sometimes to skype with her and keep it up. it was fine for a while but now its taking its toll on me and im really tired at work and its just really hard to hold this.

she was away for a week, in which i started to feel so much better. i missed her a lot and i actually do love her a lot, but even though she was gone i finally got into a normal schedule again and my life seemed better in so many ways. so now the real question. what should i do? its fucking hard to keep the relationship up with the six hour time difference and it really fucks with my whole way of living but on the other side shes very important to me, and i love her.

would it be best to break up? but how do i do that? and whats bothering me a lot is, she told me long storys about her past and what happended to her already and she also said that shes sometimes depressed and sometimes even suicidal, so i dont want to hurt her obviously. i know this situation is really fucked up, but i would ask you guys to give me advice what to do next, and how to do it.
thanks alot,
cheers mates!

[Tastyfish]

Quick love is exciting, so are long distance booty calls.

Now about her mental issues. Have you ever thought your desperation and her need would collide into a situation where you both latch onto someone and make a hook up or even being fuck buddies something more because you want to go threw the motions of it even tho you know its bunk?

In reality, suicidal folks just can create an already emotionally unstable thing into this festering toxic, yo-yo game for their partners, but it sometimes ends up being the perfect excuse for the partners to latch onto stuff as an excuse to not let crap go.

[Shinra1]

I couldn't read through the final paragraph because it's an insult to my eyes. However if you truly love each other one of you should make the sacrifice.



Personal opinion: Long distance never works try to meet a nice girl where you live.

[Deleted]

I couldn't read through the final paragraph because it's an insult to my eyes. However if you truly love each other one of you should make the sacrifice.



Personal opinion: Long distance never works try to meet a nice girl where you live.

yes, there are many people that shared this opionion. im kinda getting close to share it as well.

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Quick love is exciting, so are long distance booty calls.

Now about her mental issues. Have you ever thought your desperation and her need would collide into a situation where you both latch onto someone and make a hook up or even being fuck buddies something more because you want to go threw the motions of it even tho you know its bunk?

In reality, suicidal folks just can create an already emotionally unstable thing into this festering toxic, yo-yo game for their partners, but it sometimes ends up being the perfect excuse for the partners to latch onto stuff as an excuse to not let crap go.

right. its not and excuse. lately it even started to annoy me, and affect my work quite a lot. its also taking up my free time and ... i dont know anymore. i want to let crap go, but i dont know how.... i dont really want her to kill herself or something like that... thats my problem.

[Deleted]

I once ended things with a bolemic girl. U sound too young to worry about someone elses shit.
Just break up, endure the heartache, and ull be over it in a few months.

[Darsithis]

It's not fair for her to put her emotional needs on you and for you to expect that you can't hurt her because she might hurt herself. That's not remotely healthy and it'll just lead to you resenting her in the long term.

Long distance relationships don't work for a lot of reasons, mostly because there isn't enough time together to really get to know each other and the stress of such distances quickly overwhelms any feelings that develop. I'd end this if I were you.

[Deleted]

I once ended things with a bolemic girl. U sound too young to worry about someone elses shit.
Just break up, endure the heartache, and ull be over it in a few months.

thanks for these words, it actually helps. i am quite young, 18 years old if that matters. shes even younger than me, and sometimes really like the "teenager" is. makes it even harder for me. i really think that it would be better to move on, and dont even think about spending 1k bucks just to fly there for a few weeks again.

the question that rises the most right now is how to end it the best way.

[Darsithis]

thanks for these words, it actually helps. i am quite young, 18 years old if that matters. shes even younger than me, and sometimes really like the "teenager" is. makes it even harder for me. i really think that it would be better to move on, and dont even think about spending 1k bucks just to fly there for a few weeks again.

the question that rises the most right now is how to end it the best way.

That young?? Just walk out of this. You have so much more time in you life to meet the right person. Give it 6 or 7 years at least. Find yourself. Decide your direction. Get settled with who you are.

[Deleted]

It's not fair for her to put her emotional needs on you and for you to expect that you can't hurt her because she might hurt herself. That's not remotely healthy and it'll just lead to you resenting her in the long term.

Long distance relationships don't work for a lot of reasons, mostly because there isn't enough time together to really get to know each other and the stress of such distances quickly overwhelms any feelings that develop. I'd end this if I were you.

wow, even a mod. thanks for these words. hearing other opionions about it makes me even more sure that i should end this, for the sake of me and my life. i know that long distance relationships are hard, i had one (kinda) before but it wasnt with 6 hours of time difference.

i will probably tell her though that if she feels really depressed she should seek professional help, you are right.

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That young?? Just walk out of this. You have so much more time in you life to meet the right person. Give it 6 or 7 years at least. Find yourself. Decide your direction. Get settled with who you are.

wow, these are some very inspirational and true words. that is right, im just about to start training for a "real" job, and i think i should get this sorted out before i start with bothering about love, because love seems to make a lot of trouble, and this quite frequently.

[Polarthief]

Personal opinion: Long distance never works try to meet a nice girl where you live.

I'm kinda in the same boat, though I have a guy I'm interested in that was already planning to move close to me before we even met, so... If they're willing to relocate fairly soon, then it can work for the time being IMO, but if it's gonna be like year+ amount of time, then yeah, it doesn't work.

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Hey, im quite desperate on who to ask, but whatever im going to mmo-champion to ask it, since i believe some people here are actually really nice and good at stuff like this.

You probably picked the best place, at least! MMO-Champ's community is mostly made up of fairly intelligent/kind people (though like every community, it has its assholes, too >.>). Way better than those "Answer" sites.

[THE Bigzoman]

Long distance relationships suck. And given your situation, it's evident that she's putting herself before you. In an ideal relationship, both sides have to be willing to sacrifice.

Trust me. I've been there. Your emotions are telling you to give her everything and be like "oh baby i love you so much idc about your flaws!" But your brain is telling you to run.

You have two options really.

1. Break it off entirely.
2. Slow it down a bit and be friends. If you can get any tangible benefits from this girls friendship when you're back in the area, I would suggest exercising this option.

[Pitkanen]

The key to any long distance relationship is having a plan to eventually have it not be long distance anymore.

It depends on age greatly though. Most 18-21 year olds lack the patience for long distance in the end, and the experience to differentiate between if someone is actually a good match or if they are simply convenient.

[Deleted]

The key to any long distance relationship is having a plan to eventually have it not be long distance anymore.

It depends on age greatly though. Most 18-21 year olds lack the patience for long distance in the end, and the experience to differentiate between if someone is actually a good match or if they are simply convenient.

i wouldnt say that i lack the patience, but at this age it seems very odd thinking about relocation to a whole new continent.

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I'm kinda in the same boat, though I have a guy I'm interested in that was already planning to move close to me before we even met, so... If they're willing to relocate fairly soon, then it can work for the time being IMO, but if it's gonna be like year+ amount of time, then yeah, it doesn't work.



You probably picked the best place, at least! MMO-Champ's community is mostly made up of fairly intelligent/kind people (though like every community, it has its assholes, too >.>). Way better than those "Answer" sites.

it would take more than 3 years atleast. because thats how long my apprenticeship will be (starting this fall). and yes, it wont work.

yes im really happy with the answers i got here, i really like it.



what im still questioning is: How do i breakup the best way? any recommendations?

[sugarlily]

As exciting as it is to hit it off & feel so compatible & happy so quickly, you (& everyone else too!) have to remember this is called "the honeymoon phase" for a reason. NOTHING to do with being married, it's just the newness, the excitement, the fun 2 ppl have BEFORE real life events kick in.


Its like summer vacation from school or even the giddy feeling about weekends or time off; its a great temporary feeling that can't really last. That's not to say that ppl can't be together for many yrs & still feel excitement, b/c they can! 16 yrs here :) But the diff is how well you actually know each other.

Right now, you 2 know each other, but not that well. If you haven't seen each other sick, coughing & runny nose with a nightstand full of kleenex & cough syrups, or vomiting & having explosive diarrhea, gas & pooty noises included, if you haven't seen each other in the company of each one's friends & Family (& see wtf those ppl are like), how they feel about politics, religion, want kids or not, how to raise these kids, what sort of life you expect & are planning for and on & on...you don't REALLY know each other yet.

In the meantime, during the 'honeymoon phase' you just accept each other & enjoy what you've found. Its fun! Its sexy! Its easy b/c you're both filling in the rest of the story on each other; what you don't know about them yet (dirty socks & underwear left willy-nilly around the house or mindlessly picking their nose & wiping it on their pantleg while watching some tv show you hate or clipping their toenails on the bed & not caring where they fly to...) until you've spent real living together time, you just fill in the unknowns with happy dreamy personality traits. It's sort of what young girls do when they hang a poster of a band or movie star & dream about being his gf..she has no idea what a fuckface he is IRL but she has filled in a personality she likes & that makes loving that poster ok.

Right now, you 2 are in a sort of honeymoon phase, a Romeo & Juliette thing, due to the fact that the World is against you b/c you can't be together. Even if its due to distance, it's still feels like you 2 against the world, damnit. But b/c it is affecting your sleep schedule, which is far more important to our health than we realize, you are on the path to eventually resenting this set up & maybe even eventually resenting her.

You need to decide, if I'm wrong about how well you REALLY ACTUALLY know each other & you still feel a draw that if distance wasn't impeding you you'd be together,THEN you need to really think out how to get together. What are each of you willing to sacrifice? One has to move. Or I guess both could move to a new location, but idk about that. Make a plan to save money specifically for the move. Search work opportunities & where you could live, apartments, rental homes or wherever you both decide. Possible to live TEMPORARILY with one or others' family but that can RUIN the dreamy relationship FAST.

You BOTH have a LOT to think about & consider. Is it worth diving deeper? Is she the ONE & are you her ONE? Is this a girl you will be devaststed you gave up a year from now & thump your head on the wall, pissed at yourself that you let distance stop your happiness?! Or will you be pissed that you picked up & moved or that she moved close to or in with you? You might be happy as a fat kid with cake.

If you are in as deeply with her as you say, you should be able to bring up this stuff & really talk about what you both see in the future & what you both want out of life. You may find you both disagree on basic things or you find she is your soul mate. Get to it. Get into the deeper stuff, esp before you become so sleep deprived & resentful that you can't think straight.

Good Luck to you both <3

EDIT~aww shit. Didn't see your most recent edit/update until I wrote this whole thing out! gah.
is it b/c of your apprenticeship? She won't move to you or you just decided against it all?

[Nitalee]

You should do what is best for both of you. If she honestly does love you than she should understand what its doing. She should be okay with texts or emails and not seeing you all the time causing you to stay up etc. Just like make a day where you just spend most of the day with her that way it works for you both. Hope this helps in some way.

[Kerath]

As you've decided to put an end to things (what I was going to suggest anyway), I'll just respond to the request for advice about how to end things.
Try and break things off as face to face as it's possible to get, given how far away she is - so in your case, a video call is probably the best you can do.
Be honest with her about why you're breaking things off, but not harsh. Try to make it clear that the problem is caused by the situation, not necessarily by her, personally - I think it's a bit easier to handle rejection, if it's as a result of circumstances (the distance is too far, the difference in time zones is having a negative impact on work etc) than if it's because of personal fault (you're too needy! etc).

She's going to be hurt, but I think it will hurt less if you make it as clean a break as possible.
Don't fob her off with wishy washy justifications (It's not you, it's me! and BS of that ilk). Give her some closure and you'll both move on more easily.

Lastly, don't be pulled in by emotional blackmail. You're not responsible for her and you'll only end up resenting her and making things a lot more painful in the long run if you hang around out of pity or a sense of duty.

[Deleted]

As exciting as it is to hit it off & feel so compatible & happy so quickly, you (& everyone else too!) have to remember this is called "the honeymoon phase" for a reason. NOTHING to do with being married, it's just the newness, the excitement, the fun 2 ppl have BEFORE real life events kick in.


Its like summer vacation from school or even the giddy feeling about weekends or time off; its a great temporary feeling that can't really last. That's not to say that ppl can't be together for many yrs & still feel excitement, b/c they can! 16 yrs here But the diff is how well you actually know each other.

Right now, you 2 know each other, but not that well. If you haven't seen each other sick, coughing & runny nose with a nightstand full of kleenex & cough syrups, or vomiting & having explosive diarrhea, gas & pooty noises included, if you haven't seen each other in the company of each one's friends & Family (& see wtf those ppl are like), how they feel about politics, religion, want kids or not, how to raise these kids, what sort of life you expect & are planning for and on & on...you don't REALLY know each other yet.

In the meantime, during the 'honeymoon phase' you just accept each other & enjoy what you've found. Its fun! Its sexy! Its easy b/c you're both filling in the rest of the story on each other; what you don't know about them yet (dirty socks & underwear left willy-nilly around the house or mindlessly picking their nose & wiping it on their pantleg while watching some tv show you hate or clipping their toenails on the bed & not caring where they fly to...) until you've spent real living together time, you just fill in the unknowns with happy dreamy personality traits. It's sort of what young girls do when they hang a poster of a band or movie star & dream about being his gf..she has no idea what a fuckface he is IRL but she has filled in a personality she likes & that makes loving that poster ok.

Right now, you 2 are in a sort of honeymoon phase, a Romeo & Juliette thing, due to the fact that the World is against you b/c you can't be together. Even if its due to distance, it's still feels like you 2 against the world, damnit. But b/c it is affecting your sleep schedule, which is far more important to our health than we realize, you are on the path to eventually resenting this set up & maybe even eventually resenting her.

You need to decide, if I'm wrong about how well you REALLY ACTUALLY know each other & you still feel a draw that if distance wasn't impeding you you'd be together,THEN you need to really think out how to get together. What are each of you willing to sacrifice? One has to move. Or I guess both could move to a new location, but idk about that. Make a plan to save money specifically for the move. Search work opportunities & where you could live, apartments, rental homes or wherever you both decide. Possible to live TEMPORARILY with one or others' family but that can RUIN the dreamy relationship FAST.

You BOTH have a LOT to think about & consider. Is it worth diving deeper? Is she the ONE & are you her ONE? Is this a girl you will be devaststed you gave up a year from now & thump your head on the wall, pissed at yourself that you let distance stop your happiness?! Or will you be pissed that you picked up & moved or that she moved close to or in with you? You might be happy as a fat kid with cake.

If you are in as deeply with her as you say, you should be able to bring up this stuff & really talk about what you both see in the future & what you both want out of life. You may find you both disagree on basic things or you find she is your soul mate. Get to it. Get into the deeper stuff, esp before you become so sleep deprived & resentful that you can't think straight.

Good Luck to you both <3

EDIT~aww shit. Didn't see your most recent edit/update until I wrote this whole thing out! gah.
is it b/c of your apprenticeship? She won't move to you or you just decided against it all?

thank you for your words. i would love to move together very soon but yes, the apprenticeship is something i really should finish before even thinking to go to a whole new country because it will be important for getting a decent job. and for her side... well shes not even 18 yet and furthermore i (more as a joke) asked her if she wants to come here but she only would be okay if i move to her. im not sure if you actually went through the whole thread but i already said that im only 18 years old and she is even younger. i know this whole looking for a job/place to live makes sense but to be honest its really too early in our lifes to think about something as big as moving away for the next ... well, couple of years actually.

that she only wants me to move is a pretty good example for how things are going sometimes. i would consider doing what you told me, to think about it for a long time. i dont know if i really want to. as we all know, love "blinds" you. (as you already said). now after shes been in holidays with no method to txt me it dawned upon me that actually everything is so well and perfect. the love blinded me and i didnt notice at first that sometimes she behaves really bad towards me.
(example: i was really really tired and she was gone for an hour but i was about to fall asleep, like my eyes would literally just shut... i was THAT tired. so i txt'ed her that and i was being really nice and i even said "sorry" but the next day, she was mad at me the whole day....) stuff like that makes me question everything.

i really appreciate your writing but i think its kinda early to call out "true" love and especially after the blindness of falling in love goes away, i realized a lot.

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You should do what is best for both of you. If she honestly does love you than she should understand what its doing. She should be okay with texts or emails and not seeing you all the time causing you to stay up etc. Just like make a day where you just spend most of the day with her that way it works for you both. Hope this helps in some way.

it does help, thank you. but i think she isnt really understanding. she even gets mad at me sometimes if i want to sleep.... i dont know anymore... i dont know if i want that anymore.

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As you've decided to put an end to things (what I was going to suggest anyway), I'll just respond to the request for advice about how to end things.
Try and break things off as face to face as it's possible to get, given how far away she is - so in your case, a video call is probably the best you can do.
Be honest with her about why you're breaking things off, but not harsh. Try to make it clear that the problem is caused by the situation, not necessarily by her, personally - I think it's a bit easier to handle rejection, if it's as a result of circumstances (the distance is too far, the difference in time zones is having a negative impact on work etc) than if it's because of personal fault (you're too needy! etc).

She's going to be hurt, but I think it will hurt less if you make it as clean a break as possible.
Don't fob her off with wishy washy justifications (It's not you, it's me! and BS of that ilk). Give her some closure and you'll both move on more easily.

Lastly, don't be pulled in by emotional blackmail. You're not responsible for her and you'll only end up resenting her and making things a lot more painful in the long run if you hang around out of pity or a sense of duty.

thank you. i thought of it in a very similiar way, it should be as personal and as close as possible. and of course the problem is actually caused by the situation and the circumstances, but as i already mentioned before, i realized that it isnt that perfect as i thought. but i never realized before because i was so deeply in love, and during that phase you dont care and dont realize that things are actually not as awesome as they seem

[Seirith]

the question that rises the most right now is how to end it the best way.

Be honest. Tell her you like her but that right now you are working on getting your life together and due to the distance can not be anything more than friends with her.

[Deleted]

Be honest. Tell her you like her but that right now you are working on getting your life together and due to the distance can not be anything more than friends with her.

thank you, i will try that.

[UnluckyAmateur]

This is a really difficult... On one hand you are risking your job and damaging your body from the lack of sleep, on the other you really care about her from what I gather. Personally I would end the relationship but keep in mind this is just what I would do, you don't need to do this if it doesn't feel right to you. You are really screwing up your life to be with this girl and you need to keep your priorities in order. You need to remember that this relationship could end at any moment and could go no where. Just cut it off before the situation becomes even worse. I hope this helps a little.