I've been trying to help my cousin deal with his abusive mother, but need advice...

[Nakura Chambers]

Let me start by saying that I love my cousin very much and that he's always been like a brother to me. We see each other almost every single day, tell each other everything and he even used to live with my parents and I. My cousin is now 20 and lives with his 21-year old sister. His parents were never married, so when his dad died, the title to the house and one of their cars went to his grandparents. His grandparents signed the paperwork so that the title would transfer to their mother, but their mother ran away, abandoning the kids and never signed the legal paperwork, so now the title to the house and the car defaulted to the government. That was about three years ago.

About 5 months ago their mom showed up out of the blue and explained that she had been living with a guy she met at a bar. There was definitely something wrong with her, she seemed to be mentally unstable and very scatterbrained. She continued living with her boyfriend, but would stop by about once every two weeks, which often led to a fight. She would show up unexpected and usually end up asking my cousins for money, which they always gave to her. Their mom even started selling their possessions (namely a nice toolbox and several hundred dollars worth of tools), even though she didn't live there and didn't have the title to any of the property. She would also fight with my cousins and their roommate almost every time she came over, to the point where their roommate moved out, because he couldn't put up with it anymore.

This persisted for a months, but a few weeks ago she broke up with her boyfriend and my cousins let her move back into the house. She had been unemployed for the past three years and has been refusing to get a job, so my cousins are still the only two people paying the bills (they both earn about $9 an hour). She claims that she is going to start looking for a job, but we it's been three weeks and she's only sent in two applications all month. She's also been trying to control my cousins and has been extremely disrespectful to their friends and even to me, her own nephew.

For the past six months my cousin's friends and I have all been pressuring him to kick her out of his life, but he just can't bring himself to do it. My cousin wants to rebuild a family more than anything else and he thinks that he can convince his mother to change, but he can't. She isn't taking any medicine to help with her mental issues and she is taking it out on her kids, while refusing to do anything to pay the bills. My cousin is too good of a person, he says that even though he hates his mom, she is still family and he has to try to turn her life around.

Even my cousin and I have been fighting lately and it's always over his mom. His mom has been saying that she doesn't want me (or his friends for that matter) to come over to the house or see him. Today I told him that he needs to stand up to her, but I fear I may have gone too far. I went on this huge rant about how his real family has been there for him all along and that he doesn't need her. I even said that eventually he's going to have to choose between his family/friends and his mother. He was stunned that I had said these things, he told me that he wanted to be alone for a while and that we could talk about it tomorrow.

I feel that I really may have been a bit too harsh with my cousin, but I'm only trying to look out for him. We've always been there for each other growing up and I (and my parents) were there for him when his dad died and his mom abandoned him. He needs to get rid of his mother, but he's too nice of a person, he doesn't have what it takes to kick her out, plus he doesn't have the title to the house. Him and his sister have been considering moving out, but he says that he won't do it, because he doesn't want his unemployed mom to have nowhere to go (since she wouldn't have any income and wouldn't be able to pay the bills). I really don't want to fight with my cousin over this, we should be a united front in this, but I feel that this united front isn't as united as it should be.

[SL1200]

I moved out when I was 20 and never had to fight with my parents again.

[diddle]

Sorry you have to deal with this, close blood complicates things beyond belief. Keep hating the bitch but don't let it ruin your relationship with your cousin, he probably hates her as much as you do but sympathize with him - you don't have to like someone to love them.

[Templar 331]

Today I told him that he needs to stand up to her, but I fear I may have gone too far. I went on this huge rant about how his real family has been there for him all along and that he doesn't need her. I even said that eventually he's going to have to choose between his family/friends and his mother.

This was exactly what you should have done and thankfully you did. Blood means absolutely nothing, it's the people who treat you right that matter.

[Spraxle]

You're cousin and his sister are adults, and as such they have to live with the choices they make. It sounds like your cousin will not take the steps he needs to help himself. Really the best thing you can do is to just step back and let him do whatever he wants to do about the situation. By trying to interject your feelings into it you're actually building up support for him and her. It sounds crazy, but you attack her he is reflexively defending her. Which means you're driving him away from you/friends/family and towards her.

The best advice I can give you is this: just back away from the situation. Don't give him any advice anymore. Don't bring up his mother. Don't hang out with him unless he wants to go grab a bite to eat or something. And if he brings her up just say something like, "whatever you think is best." This leaves the decisions and such in his hands and leaves him with power. He has the power to change his situation and until he is truly done with it he will keep pushing away from others trying to help him. Much like an abused wife he has to make the decisions on his own. Until he can do that he will keep drawing away from the people trying to help him. But, when he does make the choices that will be in his best interest you can help then.

Also you may check your county/city and see if they have some sort of Domestic Abuse Victims group. Here in the Kansas City area they have a place called Safe Home who does counseling and such. Or like the county I live in has a 'task force' under the District Attorney that does counseling and support for domestic abuse.

[TwoNineMarine]

They need to make her leave. It's a shitty situation but it's for the best. If the mom wants to be in their lives she has to realize that she needs to do it as a stable member of society and not how she is now.

You are right that their real family has been with them all along.

[Tastyfish]

Check the region you live in and how to have someone get an involentary detention in a psych ward for a few days, call the cops, fabricate a story on how she is a danger to you and herself, let her go insane, explain to the cops the situation if they are decent people, and hope for the best.

[TheBeardedOne]

Chop the body up and feed it to pigs. Burn everything that came into contact with her

[Dispraise]

Chop the body up and feed it to pigs. Burn everything that came into contact with her

Proper disposal of the body is the best way to beat a murder charge, but it's much better to avoid being implicated in the first place. One of the first things they would do is compile a list of potential suspects, and anyone who has gotten into an argument with her recently will be put right at the top. You need a way to remove your name from that list entirely, like a solid alibi.

Uhhh, I of course mean don't murder anybody. Harshness is an unfortunate necessity in such cases. You sugar coat your statements or pull your punches, and they are still left with wiggle room for accepting abuse.

[Stir]

The mother is quite probably on drugs.

Also, your cousin is officially an adult human. The only help you can offer is advice, and the advice to kick out mumsie is... Sound. But it's not surprising that the cousin doesn't want to, because, after all, it's their mother, and the father has already died... Plus the mother is playing on their heartstrings.

So yeah. Attempt to deduce the mother's behaviour to motives, find out what drugs she's using (assuming I'm correct :P ), and attempt to explain to your cousin just what she's doing and how she's doing it. If your cousin understands they're really being abused, then they might be more open to consider solutions. But in order to understand that, they need to figure out how it works, what kind of stuff is involved. And since they can't do that from their own perspective, it's up to you to dissect and deduce the situation and explain it to them.

[Shinra1]

What's the matter with you? Why would you stick your oar in when your cousin clearly still cares for his mother? Try to be more understanding less judgemental.

[Stir]

What's the matter with you? Why would you stick your oar in when your cousin clearly still cares for his mother? Try to be more understanding less judgemental.

Maybe because the OP cares about their cousin, and sees the mother damaging said cousin.
Judgement is rather important, and generally, it is a good thing. If it wasn't, you wouldn't be so judgemental.

[Trassk]

your cousin needs to put these people behind him. I know that sounds rough, but as far as i'm concerned if a father or mother doesn't act like someones father or mother, you do not have to hold any respect or connection to them.
My father was an alcoholic and never showed any real love for me or my brother, or his grandkids before he died, so although he's the only father figure I had, I don't think of him as such and don't think of his death as losing anything meaningful in my life.

Your cousin needs to do the same, if he is able to stand on his own two feet, work, earn his own money, and has friends like you in his life, then he can live his life without this bitch ruining what he made for himself. Fuck her.

[Orange Joe]

Let me start by saying that I love my cousin very much and that he's always been like a brother to me. We see each other almost every single day, tell each other everything and he even used to live with my parents and I. My cousin is now 20 and lives with his 21-year old sister. His parents were never married, so when his dad died, the title to the house and one of their cars went to his grandparents. His grandparents signed the paperwork so that the title would transfer to their mother, but their mother ran away, abandoning the kids and never signed the legal paperwork, so now the title to the house and the car defaulted to the government. That was about three years ago.

Where do you live that this can happen? Generally parents possessions pass on to their kids(as long as they are adult) before anyone else.

[slime]

You've said your piece to your cousin. You did not say anything harsh - you said what you felt needed to be said. Let your cousin be now, if he wants destructive people in his life, let him. Any more pushing by you will just drive you apart. If I was you I would simply stop communicating with him until he tries to communicate with you.

[Nakura Chambers]

Where do you live that this can happen? Generally parents possessions pass on to their kids(as long as they are adult) before anyone else.

It's sort of a complicated situation, because my uncle (who died) isn't their biological father. Their biological mother is the one who is causing a lot of problems, but she never married my uncle (even though they were engaged and together for over 10 years). My uncle raised his kids as if they were his own from when they were about 5 years old, but he didn't have legal custody of them. Everything was under his legal name, except for one of the cars (which was under their mom's name) and he didn't have a will, so it all went to my uncle's parents.

[Orange Joe]

It's sort of a complicated situation, because my uncle (who died) isn't their biological father. Their biological mother is the one who is causing a lot of problems, but she never married my uncle (even though they were engaged and together for over 10 years). My uncle raised his kids as if they were his own from when they were about 5 years old, but he didn't have legal custody of them. Everything was under his legal name, except for one of the cars (which was under their mom's name) and he didn't have a will, so it all went to my uncle's parents.

Ah that makes a bit more sense. Other than that I agree with what most others are saying in here. You did what you should have done. The ball is in his court now.

[Nakura Chambers]

Thank you, everyone, for the advice.