Got apartment with friend, now feel it was a mistake and want to move home - advice?

[Kajimo]

I've been friends with this guy for 12+ years now, and for the last 4 or so we've been planning on getting an apartment together. Recently, that finally happened. He moved 3 hours from his house to get here on a job transfer

After a bit of time though, I'm starting to feel this was a mistake.

The first initial problem, and this is just a private problem, is that I feel insanely homesick. It hurts. It's a lot of small things that I desperately miss.

like not being able to walk out of my room and just talk to my mom.
it's the lack of cars driving by my window (the sound of them)
it's lack of having faint background noise while trying to sleep (mom/sister watching netflix from the other room)
it's waking up to an empty house (roommate/friend works mornings, I work 2nd shift)
it's not having my bed below a window, sleeping with the window slightly open to get a cool breeze in - this new place has odd windows.
it's the location - I lived in a great place, close to a lot of places, right in the center of town, this new place is on the outskirts, which is nice looking but it's to quiet here, to distant from things I enjoy.
it's...just everything, really.

In addition to my homesickness there's also some other problems starting to surface:
1) There's been some tension and arguing - mainly over finances and chores. Nothing major - yet - but the tension is there

2) He's the kind of guy who lives off raman, rice, and potatoes. I can't do that, I need somewhat decent food, which I can afford, but he insists on splitting most bills evenly.

2.5) He insists on splitting most bills - and does all of his shopping at the dollar store (where he works as the assistant manager of a brand-new dollar store in a nice part of town). I tend to like a bit higher quality stuff, but he still wants to split bills

3) I have 3 awesome cats at home that I miss like crazy

And above all, this apartment just doesn't FEEL like HOME, it feels empty. We each have our own TVs in our own room and rarely have company over (which I also don't like...I'm fairly social).

So, basically, I want to move back home, for the homesick, and to preserve the friendship of years, I'd hate to have this friendship ruined over financial arguments, and chores, but I don't want to leave him out in the cold - he can't really afford this place on his own and can't really transfer back after making such a big deal about transferring here.

But I don't think I can do this, I feel this may have been the biggest mistake I've ever made. Never have I wanted anything more than I want to move back home now. I just don't think I'm ready to be on my own yet.

So my question is, is there a good option to do this that would let me get home, without destroying my friends life? He's super picky about roommates so finding a replacement for myself might not be possible.

We're still under lease, but I would be completely willing to shoulder up to 60% of the lease breaking fee myself, depending on what it is, maybe even all of it.

This is even affecting my work - I keep thinking about wanting to move home all day which distracts from my calls (I work tech support)

[-aiko-]

Did you lease? How long is the lease? Can you afford any fees of canceling the contract early?

Leaving the nest is always a difficult thing to do. I would recommend trying to power through it, to become independent, but if you're not ready you're not ready. Would backing out hurt your friendship?

[Independent voter]

It's easy to say talk to him but that's the solution. I have trouble following my own advice but if I did, my life would be a lot better.

[Blueobelisk]

Are you guys sleeping together?

Just finish the lease and then go home. I'd also have a serious talk about chores/bills.

[belfpala]

Wait... so if he's buying cheap stuff and splitting bills, doesn't that mean he's paying more than his share?

[Kajimo]

Wait... so if he's buying cheap stuff and splitting bills, doesn't that mean he's paying more than his share?

Yes but it also means more arguments whenever I don't get the absolute cheapest available stuff.

[Blueobelisk]

Don't share stuff. Anything.

[Deleted]

The stuff about being Homesick isn't the problem here, everyone gets Homesick, that's just something you have to get through, without meaning to sound too pretentious, it's just part of growing up.

The other stuff. Buy your own food, split utility bills, that's what me and my Room mate are doing atm. We each have our own part of the fridge/freezer, and we buy our own food and cook our own meals. As for tension, thats called living with someone. If it really does bother you, just sit down with him and talk about it. Letting things fester just under the surface is a sure fire way to actually get tension.

The stuff about it not feeling like home is just the same as the first point you made.

Moving back home though, is something I would never want to do.

[Deleted]

The first thing that made me wonder, was that you buys expensive stuff, he buys cheap stuff, and wants to split bills, isn't that a good thing for you, or am I missing something?

Edit: Nvm was afk while writing this, and someone already asked this

[belfpala]

Yes but it also means more arguments whenever I don't get the absolute cheapest available stuff.

Then don't share finances. If you can afford the things you like, that's your bill.

Next argument will be when he snipes your better stuff from the fridge.

[Reeve]

Get over the homesickness. Suck it up, you can't live your whole life in your parent's house. You'll get used to it, and your apartment will start to feel like home.

Don't screw over your friend.

As far as buying stuff, tell him you aren't going to split food bills with him. His food can be his, and yours will be yours. There's no reason you should be sharing such intimate finances with your roommate. Split your electric bills, water bills and such, sure. Not individual consumables like food.

[Revi]

Yeah, only split utility bills, buy your own food and stuff, much better for both of you.

The rest of it is just homesickness, you sounds like you were very attached to your family. You really need to just give it some time, you can't live at home forever.

[alturic]

Homesick is your problem to deal with.

If you split the bills, and you want the higher quality stuff, buy it on your own? Like the guy above me said, split just the utilities and problem solved?

Chores? Like what, he doesn't do the laundry as often as you'd like/he doesn't want to do the laundry? If he's so keen on splitting the bills, split the chores?

Company over? Is there some "agreement" that company isn't allowed over? How is him not inviting company over stopping you from having people over all the time?

In other words, I didn't read anything that's on him for you not liking.

[Deleted]

The solution is not to split every kind of bills.

Make a deal of what should be split and the rest is for anyone to buy for themselves (for example: favorite brand of breakfast stuff).

[Kajimo]

As for the whole "I just have to get used to it" thing...it's been getting worse every day, not better. Ever day I want more and more to move back home, not less.

As for the dollar stuff, it can be seen as good, or bad. Stuff like dollar store dish soap---I have terrible skin issues and the cheap soap causes my eczema to flare up. Same for cheap laundry soap. A lot of dollar store stuff has also broken/needed replacing by now resulting in it costing more than 1 "good" quality thing.

[-aiko-]

What about the lease? If he's living off of ramen etc he wouldn't be able to pay it on his own, right?

[Googolplex]

1. Tell him you want to buy your own food unless he agrees to up the standard. It should be fairly obvious that you don't have to accept eating trash food just because he wants to.

2. I assume you are an adult, then try to act like one. Getting homesick is normal, but it sounds to me like you need to cut the umbilical cord (eg. grow up and move on).

3. Remember, you can still visit your mum :-)

[Xargoth6634]

I don't understand why you're splitting bills for everything. If you like better foods, toilet paper, whatever, buy your own and let him buy his own. The only bills that roommates should generally split are rent and utilities and such. If my roommate got butthurt because I bought and ate what I wanted, I'd laugh her ass right out of the house. (She's also the type that eats ramen or nothing, but then inexplicably she'll order out for days at a time some weeks.)

EDIT: wanted to touch on your other points. I get missing home, I felt the same way when I moved out. It's definitely comforting being home with family and all. I don't know enough about your situation to really give you advice, I guess. If you're in college and can live at home, I'd do it. People will talk about independence and that's all well and good, but so is not paying thousands and thousands of dollars in unnecessary living expenses just for the principle of the thing. It's not like you can't just crash at a friend's place and go party or whatever anyway. You say your friend took a job transfer to make this happen though, which indicates to me that either he didn't go to college or you guys are past that age.

I guess I'd say that if it's just homesickness and you're both working and are out on your own, try and make the situation work for the duration of the lease, talk through these issues, and hopefully it works out. You can always go home occasionally for a few days too, if you need a break. I don't understand the social thing, do you guys not have any mutual friends to hang out with? Does he not like the kinds of social outings you do?

[Bad Ashe]

the homesickness will pass, eventually.

as for the bill splitting; hey, it could be worse, he could not be paying his share...

for the food, have a serious talk about it, it shouldnt get him butthurt to tell him you have different tastes/desires when it comes to diet. its only natural.
maybe start it off by coming home one day with an impulse buy of some kind of food you like and say "hey, i had a craving today and pickup up some X! i'm cooking tonite."
then segway into the conversation over dinner.

[Brashnard]

Like everyone else said, buy your own food. I've never even heard of anyone splitting "food bills". Food isn't a bill. Household products (trash bags, laundry detergent, dishwashing liquid) aren't bills. You can alternate buying those, and I would suggest not being an asshole if all the guy can afford is the cheap stuff.

The ONLY bills that should be split are rent and utilities that are agreed upon. Meaning Lights and water primarily, but can also extend to Internet and Cable if that's agreed upon, meaning if one person doesn't want cable t.v., it's up to the other one to get it.

As for chores, it's really simple. Clean up what you mess up. Don't do each other's laundry. Don't do each other's dishes. If you spill something on the floor, it isn't anybody else's job to clean it up but you. If you need to vacuum or take the trash out, alternate or designate responsibility. One person take the trash out every day, the other vacuum once a week. (And this is just the common areas btw, Your room is your domain and nobody else is responsible.)

Take it from someone that's lived with a roomate for a long while. All it takes is a little effort and not being an asshole.

And as for the homesick stuff, just get over it and grow up. You gotta move out sometime.