[Naruto] Fanfiction Her Sharingan Shinigami!

[Darkpoison324]

Hello everyone!

So my wife and I are huge Naruto fans, and I personally consider my wife quite the writer. She has currently been working on an epic Naruto fanfiction called Her Sharingan Shinigami. It has 19 chapters and has quite a bit more to go until it is finished.

I'm not good with words, so I'm not going to write what it's about, but I would really appreciate it if anyone out there who likes Naruto fanfiction to please give it a read. It's an adventure/romance fanfiction centering on an original character and her exploits with Madara Uchiha, and the story ties in to the cannon storyline very well.

http://www.wattpad.com/75508127-her-...gami-chapter-1

If you do give it a read, please leave a comment below with your critiques and what you think of it. Also if you have a fanfiction yourself, I'm definitely willing to give it a try, so please leave your own stories here as

Here is a good chapter to get a feel for the action in the story.

http://www.wattpad.com/79765787-her-...ami-chapter-15

Enjoy!

[Blueobelisk]

To put it very nicely, this doesn't remind me of Naruto-style at all, and in itself as a writing piece there are too many extra words and mistakes in grammar for me to like it.

Not trying to be mean, but...

[Darkpoison324]

To put it very nicely, this doesn't remind me of Naruto-style at all, and in itself as a writing piece there are too many extra words and mistakes in grammar for me to like it.

Not trying to be mean, but...

Okay everyone has their opinions, but these grammar errors you are talking about don't exist. Give me examples because I'm not seeing them.

[Blueobelisk]

Let's look at the first sentence (which I have to type out because I can't copy and paste, which would have made things easier):

"Kuma stood up straight and put her hands on the small of her back, bending backwards and stretching out."

1. It's kind of oxymoronic to stand up straight and then to bend. I get what you mean but you should probably have a second sentence or statement for your second action.
2. I'm pretty sure it would be "bending backward" with no s.
3. I've never heard of the "small" of a back. I read enough manga to know what you're talking about but.........I don't think they teach that at med school.
4. You switch tenses.

Again, I'm not trying to be mean or offensive. I'm not saying grammar is everything. I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'm saying this could be written better.

[Osoroshii]

Many of the sentences feel far too short and simple when it would be better to use conjunctions to turn two or three sentences into one larger, more complete thought.

Still, as an amateur author myself, I commend her for putting her work out there and encourage her to continue; it's a travesty when people who have an idea for a story just let it die because they got feedback that was less-than-glowing or no feedback at all. And while I'm not a Naruto fan myself, I'll try and give it a read later on when I have more time.

I would also recommend trying fanfiction.net as another way to get exposure and feedback for this piece as opposed to just relying on the wattpad site (I also prefer the layout at fanfiction.net).

[Darkpoison324]

for everyone who responded thank you.

[Darkpoison324]

Hello everyone! This is the wife that wrote the story! I saw that my husband posted links on this forum! First and foremost, I'd like to thank everyone who read the story, even if only for a chapter. I'd like to say 'thank you' to the people who put their comments and critiques on here for me to read! If the grammar is terrible in the story, I apologize! This is a fun project for me in between major writing projects, so I don't edit the chapters too much. The process is: write the chapter, re-read it to find mistakes, post the chapter, re-read again to find mistakes, then leave it alone to do what it does. It's really fun to write this story, and I love the direction that it's going. If it's not your cup of tea, I don't take offense. I never liked 1984, and people tell me it's a classic.

Thank you for reading and commenting! I appreciate the feed-back!