Are Dating & Relationships Overrated?

[PizzaSHARK]

to me that seems absurdly slow.

Honestly, if you aren't fucking after a couple of weeks of dating and neither person has some kind of major mental or emotional block in place... yeah, that's really pretty weird, honestly.

[Quanz56]

24 male here, to me, the biggest thing that makes it not worth it to me is having to "start over" with every single new girl I am even remotely interested in. I was engaged in 2010, when I was in the USAF, but she left me shortly after (now she has a kid with her new boyfriend, they named him the same name her and I had picked out, off topic, w/e).

Anyways, what I mean is, when you are with someone, especially living with your SO like I was for years, you learn eachothers quirks, you figure out exactly what each person likes and dislikes on just about any topic or feeling. You know how far to push them and how not to push their buttons. But if that relationship ends, you now have to start that ENTIRE learning process all over again, complete with all the mistakes along the way (saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, bringing up a touchy subject that you didnt know was touchy, etc.).

I've personally tried and have successfully "dated" a few women over the past 4 years, even had one of them drop the "i love you" bomb on me last year (she left me for her ex though, with no warning at all). But having to start from scratch learning everything I mentioned earlier about an entirely new person is just, idk, for me it hurts my "heart" i guess is the best way to describe it. You can't help it, but you compare that person to the last, even when you don't mean to, or even just subconsciously. And it just takes such a long time and such a huge investment, to the point that if it doesn't work out like the previous one(s), then you just wasted a potentially very large amount of your finite human lifespan.

So yea, I feel ya OP. Personally? I'd love to meet another girl I jive with so well again. But I have been "done" actively searching for a while now. It's juts not worth it. It is overrated.

You've summed it up quite well my friend. This late night/early morning is making my brain a bit slow...needs more RAM (that's probably not funny, oh well). Going through all that and having to start over is just very, very...daunting.

to me that seems absurdly slow.

See! That's one of the things that gets to me! I don't have a damn clue as to what they think is slow or fast. I'm not a mind reader but if I bring that up I'm some kind of weirdo for having to ask a question like that. I'm damned if I do, I'm damned if I don't.

[jbombard]

It doesn't take that long to figure out someone isn't right for you, usually around the 2 month mark people generally start showing their true self. If you know they aren't right for you better to move on quickly than to drag it out. Yeah it sucks when it doesn't work out, especially if it was a long relationship, but generally I feel like it is still worth it. Lots of good memories and happy moments that stay with you. You also learn a lot about yourself in the process which is probably the most important thing in finding happiness in life.(too often people spend far too much doing what they think should make them happy or other people say should make them happy and end up miserable)

In my case though, I had pretty much given up on trying to find someone when I met my wife. Even though I wasn't looking though, I was keeping an open mind, which is important. Try not to be cynical, keep an open mind and open heart despite your bad experiences, and always try and trust people.(you won't find anyone if you can't trust anyone) You never know when you might meet the right person, no need to rush, but no need to close yourself off either.

[breadisfunny]

You've summed it up quite well my friend. This late night/early morning is making my brain a bit slow...needs more RAM (that's probably not funny, oh well). Going through all that and having to start over is just very, very...daunting.


See! That's one of the things that gets to me! I don't have a damn clue as to what they think is slow or fast. I'm not a mind reader but if I bring that up I'm some kind of weirdo for having to ask a question like that. I'm damned if I do, I'm damned if I don't.

exactly how is bringing up such a question bad after a couple weeks? you should stop being so timid and ask it. i'm shy but even i wouldn't be afraid to ask something like that.

[Quanz56]

Honestly, if you aren't fucking after a couple of weeks of dating and neither person has some kind of major mental or emotional block in place... yeah, that's really pretty weird, honestly.

We were, it didn't take more than two dates with both girls to have sex with them. But, it was just sex. There was no emotional attachment to it. It was just like "hey, you're a dude with a dick and I have a slot I need stuffing." That didn't sit well with me (maybe that's my problem). I've never been good with emotionless sex.

[Stonecloak]

You've summed it up quite well my friend. This late night/early morning is making my brain a bit slow...needs more RAM (that's probably not funny, oh well). Going through all that and having to start over is just very, very...daunting.


See! That's one of the things that gets to me! I don't have a damn clue as to what they think is slow or fast. I'm not a mind reader but if I bring that up I'm some kind of weirdo for having to ask a question like that. I'm damned if I do, I'm damned if I don't.

Too much thought man. You'll know when she's wants it. Girls have like fifty different languages they speak in different ways. I have to say I'm married now, but every one of my last relationships the sex did happens pretty quickly. Maybe a week or two.

[PizzaSHARK]

See! That's one of the things that gets to me! I don't have a damn clue as to what they think is slow or fast. I'm not a mind reader but if I bring that up I'm some kind of weirdo for having to ask a question like that. I'm damned if I do, I'm damned if I don't.

Why ask the damn question in the first place? Just make a move and if she puts a stop to it, ask her why and you have your answer. And if she doesn't put a stop to it, you also have your answer.

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We were, it didn't take more than two dates with both girls to have sex with them. But, it was just sex. There was no emotional attachment to it. It was just like "hey, you're a dude with a dick and I have a slot I need stuffing." That didn't sit well with me (maybe that's my problem). I've never been good with emotionless sex.

How the hell are you gonna get emotion in sex after only two dates? Why does sex have to have emotion involved? I don't care for casual sex, either, but delaying sex with someone you're dating because you don't feel like they're your soul mate is ridiculous.

[Deleted]

This is one of those questions with strong confirmation bias.
Those who are happily in love/married/families will think that relationships are worth it.
Those who have faced rejections, problems dating, partners cheating, failed relationships are more likely to be unhappy and won't think it's worth it.

I was going to type out a reply about how happy I am with my husband and how it's absolutely worth it but then I realised of course I'm going to think it's worth it because I'm only experiencing all the positive things you can get from it.

[Kazlofski]

Honestly, if you aren't fucking after a couple of weeks of dating and neither person has some kind of major mental or emotional block in place... yeah, that's really pretty weird, honestly.

This is the society today... I noticed it's really common to do so exactly as you described, however, personally I really hate this rushing thing.
Again for the masses it's totally normal but for me it feels way too rushed just after a couple of weeks, guess I am one of those really old fashioned guys :P
Honestly hate how things changed and are nowadays, things were so much more my style 70 years ago :P

[breadisfunny]

We were, it didn't take more than two dates with both girls to have sex with them. But, it was just sex. There was no emotional attachment to it. It was just like "hey, you're a dude with a dick and I have a slot I need stuffing." That didn't sit well with me (maybe that's my problem). I've never been good with emotionless sex.

so did you move on at that point? because if you continue to date and its obvious they don't want a relationship than what are you doing still giving them free meals if you want to pursue someone who's looking for a relationship?
also it might be because at that age men/women are more interested in one night stands than actual relationships.

[PizzaSHARK]

This is the society today... I noticed it's really common to do so exactly as you described, however, personally I really hate this rushing thing.

Two weeks is rushing it? That's slow by most peoples' standards, to the point that if you aren't making moves on them by that point, they're gonna be seriously thinking something is wrong and probably looking for a convenient way to bail out.

Sex is fun and it can reinforce positive emotions. If both parties are into it, why would you force yourselves to say no?

[breadisfunny]

Two weeks is rushing it? That's slow by most peoples' standards, to the point that if you aren't making moves on them by that point, they're gonna be seriously thinking something is wrong and probably looking for a convenient way to bail out.

Sex is fun and it can reinforce positive emotions. If both parties are into it, why would you force yourselves to say no?

i would say 2-3 weeks for me is the sweet spot. any less than that and i would think they are being easy. any more and i would get bored and irritated.

[PizzaSHARK]

This is one of those questions with strong confirmation bias.
Those who are happily in love/married/families will think that relationships are worth it.
Those who have faced rejections, problems dating, partners cheating, failed relationships are more likely to be unhappy and won't think it's worth it.

I was going to type out a reply about how happy I am with my husband and how it's absolutely worth it but then I realised of course I'm going to think it's worth it because I'm only experiencing all the positive things you can get from it.

Could be. But in general, having someone is better than not having someone; the risks are generally worth it. People do place too much emphasis on having someone, though, as if they aren't "complete" without that thing on their list ticked off.

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i would say 2-3 weeks for me is the sweet spot. any less than that and i would think they are being easy. any more and i would get bored and irritated.

I just go with the flow, but if things haven't progressed by two weeks I'm going to be wondering what's going on and will either ask or just bail out. I would have no issues fucking on the first date if we really hit it off, and I would have no problems waiting three months if I was aware the person had some kind of mental or emotional thing to wrangle with first.

Arbitrarily deciding "too early to fuck" or "too late to fuck" is kind of silly, relationships ain't one size fits all.

[breadisfunny]

Could be. But in general, having someone is better than not having someone; the risks are generally worth it. People do place too much emphasis on having someone, though, as if they aren't "complete" without that thing on their list ticked off.

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I just go with the flow, but if things haven't progressed by two weeks I'm going to be wondering what's going on and will either ask or just bail out. I would have no issues fucking on the first date if we really hit it off, and I would have no problems waiting three months if I was aware the person had some kind of mental or emotional thing to wrangle with first.

Arbitrarily deciding "too early to fuck" or "too late to fuck" is kind of silly, relationships ain't one size fits all.

i would never have sex on the first date i like to know more about people. the second or third date is the earliest i would have sex. as i'm not interested in one night stands and never really have been.

[Kazlofski]

Two weeks is rushing it? That's slow by most peoples' standards, to the point that if you aren't making moves on them by that point, they're gonna be seriously thinking something is wrong and probably looking for a convenient way to bail out.

Sex is fun and it can reinforce positive emotions. If both parties are into it, why would you force yourselves to say no?

You strengthened what I just said hehe, apparently thinking two weeks is rushing wasn't enough... Even that is slow! Amazing :P
I don't know, don't mind if I get bashed or whatever for this but I really dislike this idea of doing it just for the sake of doing it... It just doesn't feel fun AT ALL.
Call me crazy but if there is no emotional involvement in it, boooring... Might as well go take a long shower, be done with it in a few min and go back to your hobbies.
That way overall you save yourself A LOT of time and A LOT of money :P

[kendro1200]

-snip-

Had a similar situation, and I too am tired of having to do the whole process over and over again. The only thing I now stand to gain in a romantic relationship is the comfort that comes from having someone you believe you can depend on, there with you day in and day out. That feature only comes after a long period of time though. Any other aspect of a relationship I can nearly get from some other alternative means, with no risk to my immediate self, no risk to my future, and no risk to any offspring I may gain custody over. So when the only thing I stand to gain, with so much put at risk is the very thing that is nigh impossible to get anymore, the logic dictates that I simply just not bother. The term SJW's throw for anyone of this sentiment is 'jaded', when in fact most are just plainly pragmatic. If something you need or want is not provided or available, then there is no reason to look for it. The harder it is to find it, the better the reason to not try on matters of personal relations, because personal relations gone wrong will haunt you for the rest of your life.
This isn't a 'woe is me' or 'woe is us' post, I actually have had more fun in my life being single and just ignoring any kind of intimate personal relationships. There are only a handful of times in which my quality of life has been higher than now, but all of those handfuls came coupled with lows that were nearly life threatening, and more frequent. I'll probably have kids in the future, but I'll be a single parent from the start all the way to the finish, because there is no logical reason not to.

edit:

This is one of those questions with strong confirmation bias.
Those who are happily in love/married/families will think that relationships are worth it.
Those who have faced rejections, problems dating, partners cheating, failed relationships are more likely to be unhappy and won't think it's worth it.

I was going to type out a reply about how happy I am with my husband and how it's absolutely worth it but then I realised of course I'm going to think it's worth it because I'm only experiencing all the positive things you can get from it.

This is probably the most important post in this whole thread. Everyone's thoughts on this matter are going to be colored heavily with their personal experience. My response to a topic like this a decade ago would have been one of optimism and encouragement. An extra decade of experience has brought about a different outlook where things go wrong and sometimes the only way to make them right is to just avoid the possibility for them to go wrong in the first place.
If things had gone differently for me over the past decade, I'd probably say all the risk and effort is worth it in the end. From my current past-colored view, to the OP, I say unless you crave let downs and disappointments, or if you happen to find a person who is 'just perfect for you' and you are 'just perfect for them' and you both recognize that very early on, there is no reason to pursue an intimate relationship with another person, especially if you are male. Just find ways to keep yourself self-sufficient, and keep yourself not depressed and do what you can in life.

[PizzaSHARK]

i would never have sex on the first date i like to know more about people. the second or third date is the earliest i would have sex. as i'm not interested in one night stands and never really have been.

Having sex on the first date doesn't make it a one night stand

[breadisfunny]

Had a similar situation, and I too am tired of having to do the whole process over and over again. The only thing I now stand to gain in a romantic relationship is the comfort that comes from having someone you believe you can depend on, there with you day in and day out. That feature only comes after a long period of time though. Any other aspect of a relationship I can nearly get from some other alternative means, with no risk to my immediate self, no risk to my future, and no risk to any offspring I may gain custody over. So when the only thing I stand to gain, with so much put at risk is the very thing that is nigh impossible to get anymore, the logic dictates that I simply just not bother. The term SJW's throw for anyone of this sentiment is 'jaded', when in fact most are just plainly pragmatic. If something you need or want is not provided or available, then there is no reason to look for it. The harder it is to find it, the better the reason to not try on matters of personal relations, because personal relations gone wrong will haunt you for the rest of your life.
This isn't a 'woe is me' or 'woe is us' post, I actually have had more fun in my life being single and just ignoring any kind of intimate personal relationships. There are only a handful of times in which my quality of life has been higher than now, but all of those handfuls came coupled with lows that were nearly life threatening, and more frequent. I'll probably have kids in the future, but I'll be a single parent from the start all the way to the finish, because there is no logical reason not to.

i'm picking up a lot of antisocial/psychopathic traits here.

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Having sex on the first date doesn't make it a one night stand

no but having them wait until further dates increases the likelihood it isn't someone just looking for a meal and sex.

[Quanz56]

Again, I'm very surprised and intrigued by all the responses from you guys. I can't sit here and quote and specifically reference each individual post but you guys are making me think from each end of the spectrum and it's appreciated.

[Walozdle]

I was at the same point you are now about a year ago OP, and stayed single until someone special found me. I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you really want something but can't seem to be able to go out and get it yourself, sometimes you just need to sit back, do your own thing, and it'll find you when you least expect it.