DiD I give my buddy bad advice?

[Lenonis]

I told him to give her an ultimanum

Yup, that's horrible advice. Ultimatums in relationship are pretty awful, and when it comes to something like weight or appearance can be really devastating to both the relationship and the partner.

Generally a sit down talk where you are honest is far better -- and the best is if your buddy is willing to be involved. Go diet together, go workout together. If he expresses his concerns and she still refuses, well...then he has his answer and then it's up to him to decide if he'll stay with her or not.

But ultimatums are terrible. Never do them.

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In a serious relationship you should really be past the point where it matters to you if your partner gains some weight or gets less attractive

Wait wait wait. Do people seriously believe this?

I get that if you are in a serious relationship you wouldn't leave the person but to say "past the point where it matters to you." Are you serious?

OF COURSE it matters. Not only is physical and sexual attraction a significant part of a relationship but a really large change in appearance is disrespectful to your partner (unless they want it that way of course).

[Deleted]

If he expresses his concerns and she still refuses, well...then he has his answer and then it's up to him to decide if he'll stay with her or not.

But ultimatums are terrible. Never do them.

I think you're taking the word 'ultimatum' a bit too seriously. By 'ultimatum' he probably means more like what you said in your first statement; he voices his concerns, and she can either say yes or no.

OP, from my point of view you did nothing wrong here. He brought the issue up, asked for your advice, you gave it. And it's the advice I would have given.

[truckboattruck]

Yea, you did give bad advice OP. Ultimatums are never healthy for relationships. It is essentially a threat.

he didnt agree to a relationship with the fat version
ultimatum is warranted here

you have to able to go to bed with somebody, i'd imagine people get cheated on a lot for stuff like this

[Cosmic Janitor]

Wait wait wait. Do people seriously believe this?

I get that if you are in a serious relationship you wouldn't leave the person but to say "past the point where it matters to you." Are you serious?

OF COURSE it matters. Not only is physical and sexual attraction a significant part of a relationship but a really large change in appearance is disrespectful to your partner (unless they want it that way of course).

It's the PC thing to do, otherwise you are literally Hitler!

[Paperfox]

It sounds like the OP took greater offense to her weight gain than her BF did. It's not good to meddle, and telling him to give her an ultimatum is bad advice.

Maybe he should start going to the gym, or a run (or whatnot) then start saying how great he feels after a workout, then after a couple of weeks start inviting her to accompany him.

[Deleted]

Maybe he should start going to the gym, or a run (or whatnot) then start saying how great he feels after a workout, then after a couple of weeks start inviting her to accompany him.

he told me that she started chowing down and had refused to hit the gym with him

Read the OP.

[Torgent]

It doesn't always need an ultimatum. Talk to your significant other. Express your concern.

Lose weight or kick rocks is not what mature couples say to one another.

If you can't communicate with 140 characters, it's too long for me. "Dear, I love you and I'm concerned for your health. Would you come to the gym with me a few times a week? It would be fun and some time we can spend together " takes much more effort than "Eyy fatty, lose dat belly or lose dis dick"

[Lenonis]

I think you're taking the word 'ultimatum' a bit too seriously. By 'ultimatum' he probably means more like what you said in your first statement; he voices his concerns, and she can either say yes or no.

Well...maybe...but that isn't an ultimatum anymore. So either the OP wasn't clear or he shouldn't have used that particular word.

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Read the OP.

That is true but he hasn't told her he's having issues with her weight. That knowledge may very well get her going with him on a regular basis.

[tj119]

It's obvious if he is not attracted to her new physique he should tell her and give her an ultimatum. If he just flat out dumped her and gave her some bs excuse why she would likely get even worse in a unhealthy way.

[ellieg]

Overweight people are terrible. So i agree with the message but you went about it wrong. You gotta find a reason why she wants to be skinny, like for the beach or to be healthier, or whatever. Thats the first step. Next you gotta start slow and inform her about healthy decisions and bad ones. Don't treat her like a dog but the same basic classical conditioning works :when she does good and makes a good decision not to eat something completely fattening you gotta praise her. When she adds a gallon of syrup on her pancakes, find a way to tell her thats a bad idea without sounding like a total ass. Then you start teaching her about calories. set a limit to it and help her with it. If she cant figure out how many calories an item is, look it up, and learn portion sizes. You gotta go step by step, cant just throw everything at her at once. Also teach her about drinking a lot of water and not soda, that will help fill her up for no calories. After a week or so, make sure she knows this isnt gonna happen overnight. This is where most of them quit. Encourage her to try it for a few months and weigh herself once a week. Gotta make sure she isnt snacking on the side either.

[Deleted]

Wait wait wait. Do people seriously believe this?

I get that if you are in a serious relationship you wouldn't leave the person but to say "past the point where it matters to you." Are you serious?

OF COURSE it matters. Not only is physical and sexual attraction a significant part of a relationship but a really large change in appearance is disrespectful to your partner (unless they want it that way of course).

Disrespectful to your partner? It's their body not yours.

I hate to break it to you but if you have that attitude you're never going to find a life partner (maybe you don't want that, but that's a different matter). Because guess what? Your life partner is going to get old, and unless you have a thing for old people, that's going to result in them looking less attractive. If you're genuinely in love with someone you should find them beautiful even if their appearance is objectively not perfect. And I don't mean should as in "do this or you're a bad person," I mean that's literally how being in love works - from my experience at least.

[Tomservo]

Yea, you did give bad advice OP. Ultimatums are never healthy for relationships. It is essentially a threat.

Well, becoming a great big fat person isn't healthy for yourself or a relationship either.

I also have a feeling that this story may have just been crafted to create a shit storm.

[Deleted]

Overweight people are terrible. So i agree with the message but you went about it wrong. You gotta find a reason why she wants to be skinny, like for the beach or to be healthier, or whatever. Thats the first step. Next you gotta start slow and inform her about healthy decisions and bad ones. Don't treat her like a dog but the same basic classical conditioning works :when she does good and makes a good decision not to eat something completely fattening you gotta praise her. When she adds a gallon of syrup on her pancakes, find a way to tell her thats a bad idea without sounding like a total ass. Then you start teaching her about calories. set a limit to it and help her with it. If she cant figure out how many calories an item is, look it up, and learn portion sizes. You gotta go step by step, cant just throw everything at her at once. Also teach her about drinking a lot of water and not soda, that will help fill her up for no calories. After a week or so, make sure she knows this isnt gonna happen overnight. This is where most of them quit. Encourage her to try it for a few months and weigh herself once a week. Gotta make sure she isnt snacking on the side either.

She's not a child, jeez. If she doesn't want to lose weight she doesn't want to lose weight. And if she does want to lose weight, complimenting her while she is still fat will actually encourage her to lose weight - it will raise her self esteem and motivate her.

[Lenonis]

Disrespectful to your partner? It's their body not yours.

Are you being intentionally obtuse about my point?

I hate to break it to you but if you have that attitude you're never going to find a life partner

Ohhhh, buuuuuuuuuurn. Pardon me while I go sulk in the corner.

As someone in a relationship you should want to please your partner (within reason). If they stopped helping around the house would you say "it's their body, their free time, their choice"? If they quit their job to lie on the couch would you say "well it's their life."

Of course not.

This is no different.

Your life partner is going to get old, and unless you have a thing for old people

You know what's amazing? When I was 16 I found 16 year olds hot. When I was 21 I found 21 year olds hot. As you get older your tastes change and you generally like you peer group. Plus your sex drive decreases and thus that part of a relationship carries less importance.

If you're genuinely in love with someone you should find them beautiful even if their appearance is objectively not perfect.

What a bunch of romantic bullshit. You may still love and care about them but if your partner puts on 200 pounds not a single person is going to look at them with the same sexual desire. Period.

[belfpala]

If they quit their job to lie on the couch would you say "well it's their life."

Well, it is their life. Just a life that probably won't be involving me if they don't get off the couch in a reasonable amount of time. 6 or 8 months of unemployment is fine. That happens.

As for the OP's issue, I have no idea. I'd be more curious if there are any issues underlying the weight gain and addressing those rather than the weight gain itself.

[ellieg]

She's not a child, jeez. If she doesn't want to lose weight she doesn't want to lose weight. And if she does want to lose weight, complimenting her while she is still fat will actually encourage her to lose weight - it will raise her self esteem and motivate her.

Here comes the hate but, most women, most people for that matter, act like children. Being in shape is objectively better than being overweight. They are healthier, spend less on food, and can be more active. Most fat people want to be skinny but dont want to put in the work. I make it easier for them. My girl has lost 15 lbs already. Ive helped many people lose weight. Being fat is not a good thing.

And as for your getting old part. Fat people wont live as long as healthier people. Its selfish to get fat and think your partner doesnt have say. If i got fat, my girlfriend would have every reason in the world to find me unnattractive and want to leave me.

[Deleted]

Are you being intentionally obtuse about my point?

Ohhhh, buuuuuuuuuurn. Pardon me while I go sulk in the corner.

As someone in a relationship you should want to please your partner (within reason). If they stopped helping around the house would you say "it's their body, their free time, their choice"? If they quit their job to lie on the couch would you say "well it's their life."

Of course not.

This is no different.

You know what's amazing? When I was 16 I found 16 year olds hot. When I was 21 I found 21 year olds hot. As you get older your tastes change and you generally like you peer group. Plus your sex drive decreases and thus that part of a relationship carries less importance.

What a bunch of romantic bullshit. You may still love and care about them but if your partner puts on 200 pounds not a single person is going to look at them with the same sexual desire. Period.

Well all I can say is perhaps we have had different experiences with being in love. I think that if you're in love with someone you should have the capacity to find beauty in them even if their bodies are not objectively perfect. For me, if I am in love with someone, what they look like is my personal definition of beautiful. And if they change then beautiful changes. Which sounds incredibly sappy, but that's just how I work. Now that said I haven't experienced a partner losing/gaining loads of weight or growing old. And maybe I've just got it easy because I'm not picky with body types.

[ellieg]

Well all I can say is perhaps we have had different experiences with being in love. I think that if you're in love with someone you should have the capacity to find beauty in them even if their bodies are not objectively perfect. For me, if I am in love with someone, what they look like is my personal definition of beautiful. And if they change then beautiful changes. Which sounds incredibly sappy, but that's just how I work. Now that said I haven't experienced a partner losing/gaining loads of weight or growing old. And maybe I've just got it easy because I'm not picky with body types.

Are you fat? What is your height and weight? Most overweight people tend not to care about the size of their partner as much as people that are in shape.

[belfpala]

Are you fat? What is your height and weight? Most overweight people tend not to care about the size of their partner as much as people that are in shape.

I'd phrase it more like, "People who maintain their physique tend to value that trait in their partner."

[Lenonis]

I think that if you're in love with someone you should have the capacity to find beauty in them even if their bodies are not objectively perfect.

I think you are confusing "I love all of you all the time" with "I love you, but man I wish you'd lose a few pounds." The first is frankly completely unrealistic. And no offense, but I don't believe for a second you are in 100% love with every aspect of your partner all the time. Not for a second.

I also don't think there is harm in talking to your partner about what you prefer and if they would be willing to accommodate that. Relationships are a two way road. A lot of give and take.

but that's just how I work.

so if your partner stopped doing anything other than sitting on the couch and bitching about how you don't do enough to treat him/her like the prince/princess they are, you'd find that beautiful as well?

Now that said I haven't experienced a partner losing/gaining loads of weight or growing old.

Well NO WONDER. You have this romanticized idea in your head then.

And maybe I've just got it easy because I'm not picky with body types.

My point extends beyond just what waist size you are. There are lots of things people do in relationships that are horribly disrespectful.