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  1. #1

    Now I do relationship thread?

    Cus why not its Gen-OT

    Ok so background: Romantically interested in this woman I know from a previous employer. Neither of us work for said previous employer. Remained friends even after no longer working together. Still hang out with people we met there, some still work there some don't.

    Problem is she has a boyfriend we've hung out with him in our group of friends, he also worked at previous employer. They have been together 3ish years. That is why I have never acted on the way I feel, I respect their relationship even though they are on the rocks most of the time and she says something to the effect of "We're not going to last much longer" probably once a week to me or our mutual friend we hang out with on a regular basis.

    After breaking up with and getting back together with the BF about a week ago, she has decided to not spend further time with our mutual friend because he has revealed that he has had/is having feelings for her and she feels like she doesn't need that in her life when she already had a shitty boyfriend already. Mutual friend (lets call him Jon that's a common name) has for the last couple months kinda played games with her, like ignoring her while in a group, but then texting her all night after group hangout is over. So good on her for realizing its good to drop him.

    Which brings us to today, She tells me he is being a butt and is going to not hangout with him any more and she says something to the effect of "I'm sure you do don't have feelings for me ....." and I froze for a second.

    I don't know if she caught that but she seems more adamant about making things work out with the current boyfriend and I feel like she already stated she didn't need drama of people who aren't her boyfriend after her and I feel like I cannot legitimately be her friend while I have these feelings

    Because of this I'm thinking of distancing myself from her. What do you think OT?

    She wants to hang out tomorrow I'm thinking of telling her then, we've been friends for like two years now so I feel like she at least deserves an explanation.

    Update Saturday Morning 2AM, think I'm going to take the let down slow just kinda ignore her if she wants to spend time say busy etc, play it all bullshitty instead of being honest with her because shes not going to talk to me for a long time if I actually tell her whats up.
    Last edited by Gamdwelf; 2015-08-08 at 07:22 AM.
    Gamdwelf the Mage

    Quote Originally Posted by Theodarzna View Post
    I'm calling it, Republicans will hold congress in 2018 and Trump will win again in 2020.

  2. #2
    She will try to use you to deal with her problems and bleed you for money. She will then be back with mentioned boyfriend by Labor Day

  3. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by drwelfare View Post
    She will try to use you to deal with her problems and bleed you for money. She will then be back with mentioned boyfriend by Labor Day
    You didn't read the post did you?
    Gamdwelf the Mage

    Quote Originally Posted by Theodarzna View Post
    I'm calling it, Republicans will hold congress in 2018 and Trump will win again in 2020.

  4. #4
    The Insane Revi's Avatar
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    If you wanna hang out with her still, do that as friends. If you don't, don't.

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Gamdwelf View Post
    You didn't read the post did you?
    You need to tell her as you plan and see how she reacts then go from there. Because she rejected Jon in that manner doesn't mean she'll apply the same reaction to you but you can only know once you've told her.

  6. #6
    Ask her out, worst that can happen is she says no. You might want to wait a little since they just broke up.
    .

    "This will be a fight against overwhelming odds from which survival cannot be expected. We will do what damage we can."

    -- Capt. Copeland

  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Gamdwelf View Post
    Cus why not its Gen-OT

    Ok so background: Romantically interested in this woman I know from a previous employer. Neither of us work for said previous employer. Remained friends even after no longer working together. Still hang out with people we met there, some still work there some don't.

    Problem is she has a boyfriend we've hung out with him in our group of friends, he also worked at previous employer. They have been together 3ish years. That is why I have never acted on the way I feel, I respect their relationship even though they are on the rocks most of the time and she says something to the effect of "We're not going to last much longer" probably once a week to me or our mutual friend we hang out with on a regular basis.

    After breaking up with and getting back together with the BF about a week ago, she has decided to not spend further time with our mutual friend because he has revealed that he has had/is having feelings for her and she feels like she doesn't need that in her life when she already had a shitty boyfriend already. Mutual friend (lets call him Jon that's a common name) has for the last couple months kinda played games with her, like ignoring her while in a group, but then texting her all night after group hangout is over. So good on her for realizing its good to drop him.

    Which brings us to today, She tells me he is being a butt and is going to not hangout with him any more and she says something to the effect of "I'm sure you do don't have feelings for me ....." and I froze for a second.

    I don't know if she caught that but she seems more adamant about making things work out with the current boyfriend and I feel like she already stated she didn't need drama of people who aren't her boyfriend after her and I feel like I cannot legitimately be her friend while I have these feelings

    Because of this I'm thinking of distancing myself from her. What do you think OT?

    She wants to hang out tomorrow I'm thinking of telling her then, we've been friends for like two years now so I feel like she at least deserves an explanation.
    hey, welcome to the b-team. advice, get out, get away, don't ever try to rationalize someone else's crazy.

  8. #8
    Just ask her out, if she says no, whatever, on to the next one. Just be clear with her about how you feel.
    Quote Originally Posted by Deleth View Post
    Ah come on Granyala, there's several possible reasons for it. A few that would get us banned here like pointing out a deficite in his mental capacity.
    Quote Originally Posted by Oktoberfest View Post
    Man I swear, every time someone uses the term 'Critical Thinking' I want to pop em in the mouth.

  9. #9
    Is reading too much to ask on a friday. I'm not going to ask her out because he decided to make things work with her BF.
    Gamdwelf the Mage

    Quote Originally Posted by Theodarzna View Post
    I'm calling it, Republicans will hold congress in 2018 and Trump will win again in 2020.

  10. #10
    Pretty sure not a single person so far finished reading your post judging by their replies.

    OT: Do you value her friendship? If so, be friends. Your feelings will eventually pass and you'll still have a friend.
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  11. #11
    Deleted
    There's nothing women like more than long awkward conversations where guys express their unreciprocated feelings in an effort to get those feelings reciprocated and then get sad and sulk when said feelings go unreciprocated. I mean fuck, this poor girl is dealing with an asshole and then two of her guy friends suddenly ditch her when she won't fuck them. She'll be banging ladies in a month. Tops.

  12. #12
    Quote Originally Posted by Gamdwelf View Post
    Is reading too much to ask on a friday. I'm not going to ask her out because he decided to make things work with her BF.
    Ok then theres not much you can do but be friends with her, if you want to keep her friendship. And maybe later you can tell her how you feel if things don't work out with her BF. Hope for the best but expect the worse. Just know that there is a chance her and the BF may fully resolve their issues.
    Quote Originally Posted by Deleth View Post
    Ah come on Granyala, there's several possible reasons for it. A few that would get us banned here like pointing out a deficite in his mental capacity.
    Quote Originally Posted by Oktoberfest View Post
    Man I swear, every time someone uses the term 'Critical Thinking' I want to pop em in the mouth.

  13. #13
    Think I'm going to take the let down slow just kinda ignore her if she wants to spend time say busy etc, play it all bullshitty instead of being honest with her because shes not going to talk to me for a long time if I actually tell her whats up.
    Gamdwelf the Mage

    Quote Originally Posted by Theodarzna View Post
    I'm calling it, Republicans will hold congress in 2018 and Trump will win again in 2020.

  14. #14
    Deleted
    What?! What are you even...

    We all have feelings for all sorts of people. People we should be into, people we really shouldn't, single people, married people, whatever, that's life. You can't just throw away a connection you've made with someone because of that.

    If you break off your friendship because you have feelings for her, what's going to happen is she's going to be angry at you ("why did you wait so long to tell me, why do you have to be attracted to me, can't you understand im trying to make things work with my boyfriend") then withdraw from you. You'll feel all self righteous and like you've done the proper thing, even though you feel sick to your stomach for having done it... for about a day. Maybe two days, tops. After that, you'll realise you've just upset a friend for no reason other than your own selfishness, at which point you'll feel so ashamed you can't even look at yourself in the mirror. You'll try to make friends with her again, or at least relax your "keeping distance between us" policy, but it won't quite work. Either she'll keep pushing you away, or even if she doesn't, it'll just never feel quite right again. You've created something beautiful, a connection between you and another person and you care deeply about her and she probably does about you too. Don't sabotage it. Those connections are the most important thing in the world. Especially don't sabotage it for selfish reasons, because it seems like you're thinking you're wanting to do the right thing, but what it looks like is you're doing it in a way that gives her an ultimatum that's not really an ultimatum.

    If you actually just wanted to distance yourself from her because you want to let her get on with her life, you could do that in so many ways that would be less destructive. You could just not say anything and let yourselves grow apart. People do that all the time, it's not difficult, you just say you're busy every time they ask to hang out or see you. If you don't wanna do that, you could just make up a reason. Any reason. But you've decided you're going to tell her the truth, knowing that that's going to probably upset her the most. Which means you either want to hurt her, which I doubt, or you really want to give her the choice. An ultimatum. You're not saying "i have to be apart from you", you're saying "im into you, and im trying to force you to choose between your boyfriend and me" and like, that not cool. Maybe it doesn't feel like it, but look at the situation, it's exactly what you're doing. You're making her either choose her boyfriend over you, and say goodbye, or get rid of her boyfriend and run away with you. I mean, ask yourself. If you said all your stuff to her, and she turned round all like "oh my gosh i thought you'd never say that to me! i love you! let's be together!" would you really say no? because if not, you're not doing this for honest reasons. Even if you would say no, it's still a shitty way of going about it.


    If you really want to be apart from her, don't tell her why. Telling her is only going to make her feel worse. A better idea though?: You have a friend, who is having a difficult time with her partner, and probably needs a lot of support right now from people who care about her. Stop thinking with your cock for like 5 minutes, and just be her friend. Support her. Help her out with her relationship troubles and you'll have made her happy, made her boyfriend happy, and gotten yourself a close friendship with someone who values you. I know it sucks when you're into someone and it's like you don't even exist to them romantically, but again that's just life. We've all gotta deal with it. You're not an animal that needs to go around fucking everything it sees, just put your feelings for her to one side and be a friend. Before long, she'll just BE your friend, and your romantic feelings for her will probably fade, and everything will be awesome.

  15. #15
    Deleted
    There should be a section specifically for romance issues and wife aggro.

  16. #16
    You are dead on straight, distancing yourself from her is absolutely what you need to do.. unless you like that bitter sadness in your heart. If the last 3 years have been enjoyable to you in this friendzone you are in then by all means continue... nothing should change if you keep your feelings to yourself. Personally, I'd be bothered - especially if, like most woman, she chose the shmuck to be with and you just sit back and watch from a distance thinking how much better you two would be.

    I don't know some people thrive from not getting what they want... others become distracted and bitter from it. No one can tell you how to be here - only you can. But, if you are like most people ... distancing yourself is the play because then you can get back to finding someone for you instead of pining for someone you cannot have.

  17. #17
    Deleted
    Quote Originally Posted by Erin View Post
    What?! What are you even...

    We all have feelings for all sorts of people. People we should be into, people we really shouldn't, single people, married people, whatever, that's life. You can't just throw away a connection you've made with someone because of that.

    If you break off your friendship because you have feelings for her, what's going to happen is she's going to be angry at you ("why did you wait so long to tell me, why do you have to be attracted to me, can't you understand im trying to make things work with my boyfriend") then withdraw from you. You'll feel all self righteous and like you've done the proper thing, even though you feel sick to your stomach for having done it... for about a day. Maybe two days, tops. After that, you'll realise you've just upset a friend for no reason other than your own selfishness, at which point you'll feel so ashamed you can't even look at yourself in the mirror. You'll try to make friends with her again, or at least relax your "keeping distance between us" policy, but it won't quite work. Either she'll keep pushing you away, or even if she doesn't, it'll just never feel quite right again. You've created something beautiful, a connection between you and another person and you care deeply about her and she probably does about you too. Don't sabotage it. Those connections are the most important thing in the world. Especially don't sabotage it for selfish reasons, because it seems like you're thinking you're wanting to do the right thing, but what it looks like is you're doing it in a way that gives her an ultimatum that's not really an ultimatum.

    If you actually just wanted to distance yourself from her because you want to let her get on with her life, you could do that in so many ways that would be less destructive. You could just not say anything and let yourselves grow apart. People do that all the time, it's not difficult, you just say you're busy every time they ask to hang out or see you. If you don't wanna do that, you could just make up a reason. Any reason. But you've decided you're going to tell her the truth, knowing that that's going to probably upset her the most. Which means you either want to hurt her, which I doubt, or you really want to give her the choice. An ultimatum. You're not saying "i have to be apart from you", you're saying "im into you, and im trying to force you to choose between your boyfriend and me" and like, that not cool. Maybe it doesn't feel like it, but look at the situation, it's exactly what you're doing. You're making her either choose her boyfriend over you, and say goodbye, or get rid of her boyfriend and run away with you. I mean, ask yourself. If you said all your stuff to her, and she turned round all like "oh my gosh i thought you'd never say that to me! i love you! let's be together!" would you really say no? because if not, you're not doing this for honest reasons. Even if you would say no, it's still a shitty way of going about it.


    If you really want to be apart from her, don't tell her why. Telling her is only going to make her feel worse. A better idea though?: You have a friend, who is having a difficult time with her partner, and probably needs a lot of support right now from people who care about her. Stop thinking with your cock for like 5 minutes, and just be her friend. Support her. Help her out with her relationship troubles and you'll have made her happy, made her boyfriend happy, and gotten yourself a close friendship with someone who values you. I know it sucks when you're into someone and it's like you don't even exist to them romantically, but again that's just life. We've all gotta deal with it. You're not an animal that needs to go around fucking everything it sees, just put your feelings for her to one side and be a friend. Before long, she'll just BE your friend, and your romantic feelings for her will probably fade, and everything will be awesome.
    Seems like a personal experience rather than advice, it doesn't always end up like this teenage drama script.

  18. #18
    Deleted
    Quote Originally Posted by Hargalaten View Post
    Seems like a personal experience rather than advice, it doesn't always end up like this teenage drama script.
    What else is going to happen? What good could possibly come from him breaking up the friendship and telling her he's into her? How is that not going to upset her, she's already told him such things would upset her. She's not going to leave her boyfriend for him, because she's into her boyfriend, not him. It's not going to make her feel better in any way. As for him, how is being further away from a friend going to make him feel any better? Only reason he's doing it is because it's "the right thing" or some bullshit like that, or because he's genuinely hoping she's secretly in love with him and this is what it's going to take to get them together.

    If you can tell me one good thing that will come from abandoning his friend when she absolutley needs his support, then fine, do it. And that "yeah but if we're not together, my heart won't ache so bad because i won't be longing for her!" shit doesn't count because THAT is teenage drama script.

  19. #19
    The Insane Acidbaron's Avatar
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    If a girl likes you will generally notice something however i know girls that are 'very friendly' and there's no real interest there so it's always hard to estimate with some people, putting distance between you and her could mean she reaches out to you. I generally hand out my number if i feel there's a mutual interest, i don't ask for their number if i get a text or call i have her number and you can move from there.

    Declaring feelings has always been a recipe for awkward moments and no success.

    If she is in a relationship and you notice she is stressed by that or other things, telling here you have feelings for her will do one thing, make her life more complicated so chances are greater that she'll cut you out.


    Ugh, relationships and the whole dating nonsense tiresome ain't it.

  20. #20
    Dreadlord Sunnydruid's Avatar
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    Look i'm going to tell you this bro to bro. Not a lot of people on here seem to have much experience in the whole relationship field. Maybe they do, i don't know, but they give some horrible advice.


    Do you still like her as a FRIEND? Be real to yourself. I personally don't care so no need to tell me or explain yourself to anyone on here. Or do you see her more of a "future Mrs. X Y or Z"?

    If you still like her as a friend then try to cover the emotions. Yes all the internet therapists will disagree but this is a better option if you want to maintain your friendship. Sometimes it's just worth it. Losing a friend in an emotional way is never easy. If you tell her and she doesn't feel the same (basing this off of the hints she dropped to you that you told us about) then it will be BAM instantly awkward and you will be the weird guy.


    Don't let your penis take too much blood away from your brain either. Go hook up with another girl and get ol' faithful going and hopefully that will take the edge off of the whole situation.


    Use your absolute best judgement here. These situations can either go horribly or great. It's probably a 70/30 (70% being bad) that tell her your feelings will win in your favor.
    Quote Originally Posted by Vampz View Post
    inb4 "flying is a major part of the reason I have fun in wow!"
    Buy a fucking flight sim then

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