I think my girlfriend was abused as a child.

[Vivapin8]

I doubt many people would see a problem when the 13-14 year old person is a guy. Call it sexist, but that's just how it is.

Because it's fu&&& hard to get a older girl at that age, when i was 14 i never got a +18 girl to give me a second look but most of my girl classmates diden't have any trouble to date +18 year old boys....

[zephid]

I imagine the police would have had an issue with it, had it been reported at the time.

Sure, but that still doesn't mean that she feels like she was abused.

[Thrif]

A 20yo dating a 25 yo is fine, but there is a limit, if the 20yo was dating a 15 yo, you are crossing that line of pedophilia.

Not by a longshot. 15 year olds are ephebophilia at best, and that one isn't even considered a psychopathology. Even 13 is stretching it, 11 or so is actually crossing the line.

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Because it's fu&&& hard to get a older girl at that age, when i was 14 i never got a +18 girl to give me a second look but most of my girl classmates diden't have any trouble to date +18 year old boys....

Life is unfair ;D

[Deleted]

Because it's fu&&& hard to get a older girl at that age, when i was 14 i never got a +18 girl to give me a second look but most of my girl classmates diden't have any trouble to date +18 year old boys....

You need to aim higher, dude. 30 yo teachers! This being said I did have some sexy time with this uni teacher when I was 20 and she was like 36. And one of male friend from highschool told me he got lucky with our 27 yo language teacher, but no way to confirm it. But they did meet in clubs sometime...

[Hyve]

What if they don't realise they were abused? That's my point. An 18 year old with a 13 year old is breaking the law in pretty much every western society.

It's none of your business really. If they don't feel that was the case, and they don't want to deal with it, leave it be.

[Gilgemesh]

If you value your relationship with her, I'd leave well enough alone. If she has some deep seated problems, the only thing you can do is be there and be supportive. If those issues become a hurdle in your relationship, then you have two choices: counseling and separation. Both of which will require you to be supportive if you don't want to have regrets.

[SL1200]

You're barking up the wrong tree. 5 years age difference isnt that big a deal. If her parents didnt' do anything about it. Nothing is going to be done about it.

[Forgottenone]

Well sounds like your relationship is over because you can't let go of your partners previous consensual partner....

Pretty much this, sorry OP but you are clinging to something that happened a LONG time ago and what do you expect to happen? If it had been found out long ago then it would have been handled in the appropriate manner but it wasn't. Furthermore it was consensual and they were more or less happy with what they had. What exactly are you hoping to achieve but digging up the past? Make her hate him? Make he feel that she was abused and then what?

Just looking at what you said, I feel that you are the one with a problem. You need to learn to either let go of something that was consensual or break up and move on.

[BuckSparkles]

Not by a longshot. 15 year olds are ephebophilia at best, and that one isn't even considered a psychopathology. Even 13 is stretching it, 11 or so is actually crossing the line.

The law disagrees with you. Minute you turn 18, anything younger than you, even by 1 day, is wrong.

[The Flowering Sunset]

OP, it sounds like you were abused to be honest.

You seem to want to create chaos in your relationship with this girl over something that had nothing to do with you, and then create a narrative of extreme judgement.

Girls like older men.

How do you not know this?

[Faenskap]

First off, I wouldn't really call this a case of pedophilia, as it indicates a preference for children that haven't hit puberty, which I assume this girl would've reached by the age of 13.

Could it be abuse? It's hard to tell, because they didn't do it straight away, she (and he) waited 4 years. It also depends on the laws in your state/country. In Norway at least, I doubt anyone would care were a 13 and 18 year old together, especially if they're not having sex. And hardly if they are.

What to do in your case? This isn't professional advise, by any means, but... If she doesn't want to push the issue further, don't pressure her. However, judging by your opening post, she does seem to have some emotional baggage. Because of this ex of hers? No one can know. But for her other issues, she could seek professional help. Also be careful with girls that have baggage. This is personal advise. My brother was, well, is, involved with these girls, or projects as I call them, and it's very difficult, because you want to help them, but you can't. One girl was even suicidal and tried to kill herself while they were together Their baggage will be yours too, I'm afraid.

I don't think you'll get much useful help here.

In short: 1. don't press her into talking about him or whether it was abuse or not, and 2. suggest that she gets professional help for her other problems.

[Deleted]

What if they don't realise they were abused? That's my point. An 18 year old with a 13 year old is breaking the law in pretty much every western society.

If no harm is done than you should keep digging in the past.

[Lady Dragonheart]

I've dated guys that are much older than me when I was in grade school, it was no big deal. However, these days people care about it a lot more.

If she has no problem with her exes, then you shouldn't be. Also, deducing abuse from a mere age difference is a leap of logic.

[Dolus]

The age issue plus the fact that she has trust issues are red flags. I would bail. And if they're still *friends* and hang out... well... you might as well be introduced to her dude on the side. I don't care if he's engaged or not. Your only saving grace is that he's in a different country.

[Dawnrage]

It's wrong by laws yes, but unless you want to make it strictly about that, you are better off dropping it.

Laws are arbitrarily decided by people anyway, and laws are prone to human-error and usually aren't applicable to every situation.

I think it's more silly that most of you would blindly follow the law without giving any leeway if the parties involved are fine with it. Do you think these are the only people who have been in this situation? I bet you there are plenty more cases like this - or "worst ones" - that simply don't come to light.

Laws are made to protect people - if said people aren't in danger, why impose law as a reason to punish them? Yeah, yeah, we have to uphold the law so we don't have everyone breaking them, but if his GF for example hadn't told him this, it would have just been tucked away without anyone realizing any law breaking was done.

Let it go. The worst thing you can do to someone is start making them feel like they have done something wrong when they haven't in their minds, and if you love her, I don't think that's something you should inflict upon her.

If you really want to find fault in something among all her problems you listed, I would look into her family background more than anything. That probably had more to do it with than having an older BF.

[Deleted]

None of your business really

If she didn't feel abused then what's the issue?

This. If one doesn't feel abused and other people convince them they actually were abused, who is doing the abuse? Think about that for a moment.

[gimmemo]

That's not the point. The GUY should know that it is wrong, not the young girl.


It seems a lot of you are going with this wasn't really abuse because she is OK with it. Put it in another context. If a woman is being physically abused by her spouse but refuses to do anything or state that he is doing any harm, does that make it ok?

It wouldn't be OK but that's their personal business, both would be adults living in a free Western society, IMO and outsiders shouldn't interfere unless help is requested.

[SL1200]

Sounds like the Op is jealous. She still talks to the ex, he's jealous about it. Case closed.

[Yvaelle]

The age of consent in Canada is 16 (previously 14), but can be circumvented by being within 5 years of your partner. So an 18 year old with a 13 year old is the outer limit, but it would almost certainly not be a crime by Canadian Law.

That probably also goes for a lot of western countries - far more than the OP seems to think.

In fact, it may only be the US that has the bizarre "people above/below 18 cannot have sexual relations with people on the other side of that arbitrary age barrier".

[Dolus]

This. If one doesn't feel abused and other people convince them they actually were abused, who is doing the abuse? Think about that for a moment.

There are a lot of battered women that don't see themselves as being abused. That sort of logic is faulty, imho.