My testimony of Jesus Christ

[Calamari]

Yeah, I know.. If the title was enough to disgust you, or makes you gag or cringe, I understand completely..
a year ago I would laughed at and mocked myself for this.

If you have nothing else to do, then i beg you to take the time to read. I'm going to spill my guts and some personal baggage for you, and my hope is that you will read and that you will understand why.

I've hated God since I was a child, because I refused to acknowledge or believe in a God who would let madness and brutality run rampant in the world, who would let my childhood be destroyed, my parents to divorce and my mother to become a drunk and psychotic, my dad to be gone from home when all I needed was a stable and happy home to grow up in.

If anyone talked about a loving God, it sounded pretty funny because God must've apparently taken a vacation when my life started becoming a living nightmare.

Started gaming obsessively aroung the age of ten, as soon as I'd get home from school I'd switch on the computer or console and forget the world around me. Reality became a chore you do between gaming. When I moved abroad after school, I expect a fresh start, but to my surprise my habbits, baggage and brain followed me and soon i was in a new town alone and with new complications.

i failed naturally at my biology studies, and soon gave up on them to focus only on gaming. But when gaming slowly failed to give me the distraction, satisfaction and escape that I needed, depression soon became a constant companion, so i started drinking heavily as a second fix.

When I was sober, anxieties over responsibilities like bills, appointments, my own failing health and constant fear of death became overwhelming, so i drank more. Everything about life was a hassle now and all I wanted was to be left alone to sleeping, gaming, surfing, masturbating and drinking. Sleep late into the afternoon, game until morning, repeat.

My own apartment was stacked full with garbage, a dump, my own clothes were rancid from being worn over and over again, just occasionally flushed in the sink with water and soap, using the shared laundry machine was too much of a hassle.. (some guy once rang on my door, looked me sternly in the face and asked me if i had stolen his wifes clothes from the laundry room, that was pretty funny).

I had no energy for anything, I spent most days sleeping late into the afternoon, getting drunk and gaming until the next morning.

Started visiting my first therapist at about age 22, one clinic stay for alcohol and gaming rehab. In total about six years of therapy now, repeatedly telling my life story and hoping the professional could put together the pieces I just can't.

Was very paranoid of medication, because I was afraid it would turn me into a drooling smiling zombie or at least change the person I am, whatever that was. If anyone asked me to describe my personality to them, I couldn't really give more than a vague answer anyway, lol. I tried Prozac for a while but that did nothing for me.

Also became very paranoid about world politics, wars, nukes and aliens, and reptile humans.. yeah i was starting to go down the deep end pretty fast. Then started dabbling in the New Age movement, and it clicked with me because they seemed to have answers that sounded pleasant and reasonable and amazing, and space Jesus in a space ship. Deep. end.

A few days later someone left an anonymous flier in my mailbox asking me wheter I knew if I was going to heaven or hell once I died. That freaked me out more than it normal should've, probably in part because I was drunk as usual. There was handily a sinners prayer included, telling me to ask Jesus Christ to forgive me my sins, be my Lord come into my heart yada yada. I like quick fixes so i gave the pamplet a try and tried it for good luck.

So nothing happens, I felt no different, and I heard no answer, as I expected. Pretty much forgot about it after that and went to sleep. Not sure if it was the next morning or a few days later, I woke up felt kind of strange. It was daylight, which i hated, so first thing that felt strange was that i didn't feel like i need to get drunk right away after waking up..

Was just staring at a half empty bottle of wine and realized the urge was gone. i poured the wine down the toilet.

Soon noticed, almost like an afterthought because what was missing felt like it had never been there in the first place.. my never ending mood of gloom and depression, anxiety and that feeling of a hollowness in my heart that never would go away, all that had just disappeared. Not a trace. i felt like something inside had been patched up and stitched up.

At first I was kind of convinced that I was stuck in wishful thinking, and waited days patiently for the darkness to creep back in. But that darkness inside me never came back. The knots were untied, and I had a sense of peace and calm in me that I had been looking for all my life and never found.. Then I remembered to whom I had prayed a few days ago, drunk.

Need to wrap it up.. What I had been trying to find desperately all my life, what I was trying to fix with pleasant distractions, alcohol, games, meds.. Jesus Christ healed over night in my sleep. After years of laughing at and mocking him, and mocking God, he answered my prayer when I was drunk and pretty much indifferent about him.

It's been about a year now, and I feel the need to tell my story, in honor of Jesus Christ, who saved me from a waking nightmare that I didn't think would ever end.

I just want to tell you, that even if you struggle every day of your life, and feel like the suffering can never end, that there is no repair for your kind of damage, that death is the only way out.. please listen, he was there all along waiting for us, but we ignored him, we didn't take him seriously. Jesus Christ is not a dead and empty name on an old piece of paper, it's the name of a LIVING GOD. Full of Love life light and hope.

Someone has been walking beside you all along, and you never knew him, he listened when you cried and despaired alone in the darkness, his heart is torn and bleeds every moment that you suffer and have suffered.

Jesus will never, never abandon you, he's waiting patiently for you to reach out to him, and come home to him. He knew you by your name long before you were born.

It does not matter how damaged you are, how broken your heart is, how lost your spirit feels. No guilt that he cannot free you from, no sin that he will not forgive you, if only you will call out to him for forgiveness and healing. He does everything for you, because he LOVES YOU. JESUS LOVES YOU AND DIED FOR YOU.

Jesus loves YOU, he will never forsaken you. He wishes to heal you and see you happy again, he wishes to free you from the shackles of all darkness in your life, addiction, depression, sickness, sin and death, and it brings him great joy to do this for you.

But he will never kick in the door and force you to accept his love, all he will do is gently knock at the door of your heart, but it is your free will to let him in or not. If you ask Jesus to, and give him permission to come into your heart then he WILL heal you and make you whole again. You will know joy again when you thought it to be impossible.

you don't have to trust my words, just please give Jesus a chance to prove his love, healing and life giving power to you. Speak to him, he WILL listen. If you wish his healing and gift of eternal life,

then speak these words from your heart:

Jesus Christ, thank you for loving me unconditionally, please come into my heart! I accept you as my Savior and
Lord. Forgive me my sins, and thank you for dying on the cross for me. I believe you are the son of God, and that
God raised you from the dead. Thank you Jesus for freely giving me the gift of eternal life, now that you are
in my heart. Amen.

I would be so happy for you if you find the light of Lord today, because none of us should have to suffer in
darkness and sorrow.. you can be free NOW if you only let him set you free.

I'll leave you with two bible verses that feel right for this:

"Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."


If you wish to ask me or tell me anything, you can reach me at: tokatis(at)yahoo(dot)com

[tonic316]

LOL wtf did I just read. A WoW fansite probably isn't the best place for something like this.

[Deleted]

I just got "The God Delusion" by Richard Dawkins today. Will be a good read.

[Pendulous]

Religious discussion is not allowed on these forums.