Why do women smile at men who harass them

[Deleted]

Article is much longer (like 4 times longer), you can go and read it if you want and I suggest you do if you're interested in the subject, I'll just quote the main part.

https://medium.com/@mshannabrooks/wh...d30#.w43foofil

"Many men go through the world feeling invisible, which is the fault of toxic masculinity and also the fault of their fellow men. When your ears are, as a woman, full of “compliments” that sound more like threats, every advance becomes just noise, every encounter a potentially dangerous or uncomfortable situation.

We are told to ignore sexual harassment…unless it’s from a nice guy. We are expected to know the difference immediately and react appropriately. We often get it wrong because there is no right answer.

And yet, it’s men who tell us how best to handle these situations. When in fact, it is we, the victims, who know best.

In my life, it has become abundantly clear to me that there is no way for me to end the constant barrage of unwanted conversation and touching and sexualization of my body. There is nothing that I can do to stop giving tiny pieces of myself and my time on this earth to the men who demand it because there is nothing that I can do to stop the demand. That’s not on me.

It happens regardless of what I’m wearing, regardless of how I feel, regardless of how I move through the world. It’s not what I do and it’s not how I act. It is my presence — and just that!

Sometimes it’s with good intentions. Sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it’s with no intention at all other than to interrupt and interject — someone just has something they want to say or do to me and they can see exactly no reason not to say it or do it.

It’s not a question of if it will happen, but when and how often. How many times today. How many times for the rest of my life. How many will go sour. How many will end with me in danger.

I can’t make it stop and I can’t reduce the volume. What I can do is ensure that it’s not worse.

And so I smile. And I make conversation. And I am charming and sweet and I even swallow hot stomach acid to choke out the words “thank you,” because these are the actions that, it has been proven to me over and over by trial and error, work best.

A small smile heads off the rage. A wave back keeps the situation civil. A forced laugh keeps the man outside of the drugstore from following me any further. A full-fledged conversation when I am trapped in line helps me suss out whether or not this person is violent, or just overly-friendly.

It’s tiresome and it’s not ideal. It leaves me wary and makes me guarded. It prompts me to consider every single interaction I have in public.

There’s an innate unfairness to this; for the men who harass me, who invade my space and demand my time and attention, who grant themselves permission to touch me, this is a pleasant experience. They feel listened to and visible and valued and validated.

It has the opposite effect on me.

And yes, I know that in doing this — in using courtesy as a weapon of self defense — that I am also actively enabling the behavior and I am encouraging it further and I am part of the problem.
But my body is not the battleground for this fight and my personal safety is not a currency I am willing to exchange for ending it because even if I cash it in it will persist.

I would rather get home safe at night than take up the charge of ending male entitlement when it stumbles my way because the truth is, my compliance doesn’t cause male entitlement and my lack of compliance isn’t enough to make it stop.

If I stop using politeness as my armor, I won’t correct centuries of conditioning and acceptance and even encouragement. I won’t make a man who thinks my body is his for the taking to reconsider a lifetime of training that tells him that’s the case.

I won’t end anything except, potentially, my own life.

If I stop complying, the most likely outcome is that I will harmed. The most likely outcome is that nothing will change except instead of being irritated by harassment, I will go back to being actively afraid or, you know, worse."

EDIT: since people keep asking what she considers harassment, I realized I didn't quote that part, this is what I think she meant by harassment

"And as many times as we’ve been party to this — as many times as someone has touched us, yelled at us, hit on us, hit us, raped us , spat on us, stalked us, threatened us, propositioned us — we’ve also been told to just ignore it.

The truth is, we don’t have the luxury to ignore harassment. We engage, we’re kind, because that is what keeps us safe."

[Azadina]

To answer the title: Just so that the encounter has less of a chance of turning violent.

[Gheld]

To answer the title: Just so that the encounter has less of a chance of turning violent.

So true. As a man I spend 24/7 struggling with the monster inside of me that just wants to turn violent any time a woman doesn't smile at me.

[Azadina]

So true. As a man I spend 24/7 struggling with the monster inside of me that just wants to turn violent any time a woman doesn't smile at me.

Do you harass women all the time then? The question was why smile at one who harasses? They already had no problem doing that, who knows if they have no issue getting violent if you start calling them something in return? Why test that at the risk of your own health?

[Belize]

So true. As a man I spend 24/7 struggling with the monster inside of me that just wants to turn violent any time a woman doesn't smile at me.

It's ok, we have support groups for that. Every men is the same, so if you need to keep the demons inside quiet, I'm here to talk.

[Gheld]

Do you harass women all the time then? The question was why smile at one who harasses? They already had no problem doing that, who knows if they have no issue getting violent if you start calling them something in return? Why test that at the risk of your own health?

Depends how you define harassment because I've seen people trying to suggest that attempting to strike up conversation without permission is rape from some people.

[ellieg]

"Many men go through the world feeling invisible, which is the fault of toxic masculinity and also the fault of their fellow men"

Really now?

[Revi]

Do you harass women all the time then? The question was why smile at one who harasses? They already had no problem doing that, who knows if they have no issue getting violent if you start calling them something in return? Why test that at the risk of your own health?

Harassment in this context, being how the writer uses it, seems to be any and all compliments or unsolicited attention.

I guess I harass both women and men quite frequently.

[ellieg]

Harassment in this context, being how the writer uses it, seems to be any and all compliments or unsolicited attention.

I guess I harass both women and men quite frequently.

Ya thats the vibe im getting. The woman in the article seems to think no one is allowed to talk to her or they are stealing her precious time. If you are out in public, be open to the possibility of having strangers talk to you. If you dont like that, do like they do at the gym, and just wear headphones everywhere.

[Azadina]

Harassment in this context, being how the writer uses it, seems to be any and all compliments or unsolicited attention.

I guess I harass both women and men quite frequently.

I suppose I assumed actual harassment....

[slime]

Wonder is she would be happier if no man ever talked to her and no one ever gave her attention.

[Gheld]

Wonder is she would be happier if no man ever talked to her and no one ever gave her attention.

I've also seen that labelled as sexism too. You can't win.

[Eon Drache]

So she feels forced to be nice? To act human? I don't get it.... what's the problem?

[Swizzington]

The other day I was dealing with a woman who said to me, "you look good" or "you look nice" or something along those lines. I just said oh thanks. Now usually to a compliment I'd be inclined to say "you too" or something, but immediately I thought to myself, can I tell a woman she looks nice? Can I comment on her appearance? Or is that going to be SEXUAL HARASSMENT?!!?

Why am I having these thoughts? I feel oppressed.

[Deleted]

It's ok, we have support groups for that. Every men is the same, so if you need to keep the demons inside quiet, I'm here to talk.

Nowadays we can tell men they are women and that's all it needs to become one. The future is now.

[Archon14]

"Many men go through the world feeling invisible, which is the fault of toxic masculinity and also the fault of their fellow men"

Really now?

"A hundred ways to please your man. Written by, some woman."

[Allarius]

This makes me wonder how many genuine people actually try to be a respectful person, but get staved off because the other party thinks they're trying to objectify them.

It's a sad day when you're not sure whether you want to talk to the person that just came up to you(Even if it was polite), for fear of implicitly accepting unwanted behavior.

[Jonnusthegreat]

"Many men go through the world feeling invisible, which is the fault of toxic masculinity and also the fault of their fellow men"

Really now?

Are you diminishing the struggles of many men in this world? How sexist.

But seriously, it's a claim. No different than most of the claims put out there for "male privilege" and "white privilege." Fortunately, it's one, not 40.

- - - Updated - - -

"A hundred ways to please your man. Written by, some woman."

Mad props for Dave Chappelle.

[Spectral]

You know who else smiles at men that they're frightened of? Men. A timid smile and shrinking of the body is a submissive display. This is reflexive, not conscious. The reaction to try to avoid the beating that comes from challenging male dominance in nature isn't a solely female response.

[Deleted]

This woman needs a reality check, how does she even go outside if she's butthurt by any kind of communication with males.