Jokes megathread

[Deleted]

I thought it odd that there is no megathread already for jokes, so I created one.

1. If the joke is (very) NSFW, it may be a good idea to either cover it with spoiler tags or link to it externally and put "NSFW" in the text for the link.
2. It is highly recommended that everyone reading this thread (or indeed this sub-forum) are not overly sensitive. On the other hand, if you're going to tell something extremely offensive, then it may be an idea to post it as NSFW.
3. Try to only post jokes but even if you post more, always post a joke too.

I'll start with just one normal joke and one NSFW one:

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My friend really changed when she became a vegetarian, it's like I've never seen herbivore.

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...on a plane. Let's call them Steve and Bill.

"Dude, what if we had sex?" asks Steve.

"You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."

"Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"

Steve stands up and asks loudly:

"Could I have a pencil, please?"

Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.

"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill.

So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane.

Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.

"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"

"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass..."

[endersblade]

Funniest joke you know

Wasn't good enough for you?

[HuntingtheWill]

So get this, Rambo's in Afghanistan fighting Soviet soldiers, right?
Rambo says to a Soviet "You want to fight? SOVIET."
Then the Soviet soldier says "Well, I will be PUTIN you in a coffin."
Then Vladimir Putin comes along and tells them "Guys, SYRIASLY, can't we put our differences ASSAD?"

[zenkai]

A liar, a sexist, and a criminal walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "welcome Senator Clinton, what are you having today?"

5 minutes later Donald Trump walks in. He leans over, and with a smile on his face says "the media are really tearing you apart for that Scandal."

Hillary: "You mean my lying about Benghazi?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "You mean the massive voter fraud?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "You mean the military not getting their votes counted?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Using my secret private server with classified material to Hide my Activities?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything Else?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Using the Clinton Foundation as a cover for tax evasion, Hiring Cronies, And taking bribes from foreign countries?
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "You mean the drones being operated in our own country without The Benefit of the law?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million, and right afterward it Declared Bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "You mean arming the Muslim Brotherhood and hiring them in the White House?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Whitewater, Watergate committee, Vince Foster, commodity Deals?"
Trump: "No the other one:"

Hillary: "The IRS targeting conservatives?"
Trump: "No the other one:"

Hillary: "Turning Libya into chaos?"
Trump: "No the other one:"

Hillary: "Trashing Mubarak, one of our few Muslim friends?"
Trump: "No the other one:"

Hillary: "Turning our backs on Israel?"
Trump: "No the other one:"

Hillary: "The joke Iran Nuke deal? "
Trump: "No the other one:"

Hillary: "Leaving Iraq in chaos? "
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "The DOJ spying on the press?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "You mean HHS Secretary Sibelius shaking down health insurance Executives?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Giving our cronies in SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 Months Later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "The NSA monitoring citizens' ?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "The State Department interfering with an Inspector General Investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Me, The IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Threats to all of Bill's former mistresses to keep them quiet"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "I give up! ... Oh wait, I think I've got it! When I stole the White House furniture, silverware and China when Bill left Office?"
Trump: "THAT'S IT! I almost forgot about that one".

[skullgreymon]

A Chinese man and a Jewish man are in an elevator
..As they ascend floors, the Jewish man turns to the Chinese man and blurts out "You know what.. I don't like Chinese people too much." Taken back, the Chinese man asks him why. "Because you guys were responsible for Pearl Harbor!" Shocked, the Chinese man responds "That was the Japanese.." The Jew snapped back "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same."
Understandably perturbed, the Chinese man retorts: "Well you know what? I don't really like Jews too much.." Expectedly, the Jewish man asks him why. "Because you guys sunk the Titanic!" Flabbergasted, the Jewish man exclaims, "What are you talking about!? That was an iceberg.."
"Iceberg, Greenberg, Steinberg, you're all the same!"

[JalJaze]

A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a pint of beer and a.......... packet of peanuts."
The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"

[May90]

Funniest joke you know

Wasn't good enough for you?

"Was it good enough for you?"
"I've had better!"

[Ciddy]

[Darsithis]

We have a Funny Pictures Megathread, which serves the same purpose. I shall re-title it.