How can i get my brother to change?

[extinction1337]

The feels of this thread, OP described my situation with my brother almost perfectly aside from him having no job whatsoever and being a drug addict, I finally got fed up with it and had to distance myself from the problem because people will only change when they themselves are committed to changing , you can bring a horse to water but you can't make it drink kind of methodology.

Basically telling my brother to fuck off and he had 30 days to leave because he wasn't bettering his life and was only dragging me down financially was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but you know I don't regret it for a second because sometimes things have to get worse before they can better.

You really have to weigh the scales of keeping your connection with your brother (depending on how he takes your concerns) vs possibly bettering your life.

I can only speak from my experience but if its been this long and your brother isn't making any strides to improve, perhaps a tough-love motivation situation may be in order, sorry if this isn't exactly helpful.

[Kapadons]

Bro, sounds like the perfect roommate. Has a job , pays his part of the rent, likes to drink/party and is in to video games and movies. Why the hell are you complaing? If my wife was half those things I'd be utopic.

[kail]

I mean personally, I wouldn't mind if my brother pays half my rent (considering my costs in the area). In your situation, the ultimatum is the best option. I wouldn't coddle either of my brothers for too long unless they were disabled in some way.

[Unionoob]

Have you really talked with about this issue? Because at first you really should talk it out and make him to understand or understand him better why is he acting like this. I suppose he is single either and from everything you told it sounds like he is in depression. Maybe you should at first try to talk with your family about this. And if nothing works then just make ultimatum.

[Wildtree]

He can apparently routinely go 3 months without a drink. Probably not an addiction. Perhaps he just likes to get drunk once in a while or perhaps he gets down once in a while and wants an escape, who knows OP doesn't seem to talk to his brother about such things.

Quarterly drinkers, is a recognized form of alcohol addiction. Not that uncommon at all, actually.

The brother needs to seek medical support for proper assessment.
There appear to be some serious problems which only a professional should deal with.
I'm surprised the thread is still open.

[Rafoel]

I don't know how you end up in the same flat with your non-working addict brother in the first place.

If you know his problems and agree to support him in such way, you are actualyl harming him.

[Nadiru]

So he's paying half rent, doesn't have a car, but you want him to take a job where he'd have to get a car? How much of a salary increase are we talking about, here? If he'd get a whole dollar an hour more, the car payments alone put him back years. Something's fishy about all this, not the least of which being that you want to make him more ambitious. You sure you're not his girlfriend or something?

[Hooked]

Could be worse I guess.

[Deleted]

Devil's advocate mode: Is he happy? Reading your OP totally impartially, it might just be that he is not at all aspirational. He might feel that you are (you come across that way, which of course is not a bad thing in and off itself)and need to live somewhere you cannot otherwise afford on your own and he is helping you out. Or is it really a case that you are helping him out and he couldn't manage on his own while you would be fine. Would he be happy living somewhere cheaper and being totally self sufficient?

Have you tried asking him about it all rather than trying to guide him into what you feel is best for him?

[Deleted]

You can't change other people. Only they can change themselves.

You could however give him a cause to change, like threatening to kick him out or leave yourself.

[Hooked]

You can't change other people. Only they can change themselves.

You could however give him a cause to change, like threatening to kick him out or leave yourself.

You cant kick someone out if they are paying their rent. I would suggest the op not buying him food anymore. Being an enabler is worse than the one being enabled.

[Drekker17]

You could stop buying foods he likes, be like "well I'm buying the food so you don't get *his favorite food*"

[Mazeari]

he'll never change as long as you enable him

Hit the nail on the head.

[Linri]

Low paying job, no car, fine. Pays rent, fine.
Not being able to afford food, but money for video games, movies, and alcohol.... hmmm....

Seems like priority levels aren't in order...tell them to begin chipping in, even a small amount for the groceries at least... Or else, tell them they are going to have to get their food on their own terms

[Narwal]

There are two ways to handle this situation.

1) If you're left leaning: Stop holding your brother down. Charging him rent is only making it impossible for him to break his glass ceiling. Reduce his rent, provide him money for public transportation, spend the time to make him more nutrional meals, provide him a cell phone and internet, and provide him healthcare. Watch as your brother flourishes and feels the desire to want to support himself. He'll leave you alone in no time.

2) If you're right leaning: Kick him out, you gave him plenty of time to get on his own feet. If he's not at this point, he won't ever be and is a lost cause. The only way he'll figure it out is if he's forced to.

[dextersmith]

He can drink but can't buy groceries? Cut off the groceries and he'll have incentive to drive and take that job.

[Deleted]

honestly I have to say your brother is a deadbeat, tell him to fuck off, take the new job or kick his ass out

he'll never change as long as you enable him

11/10 accuracy.

Not wanting to drive is fair enough, as not everybody enjoys driving, but turning down higher paid work to sit on his arse at age 32 and then sit and drink? He should get himself fucked off.

However, I do appreciate when it's family, or even a best friend, it's not so easy, bordering on impossible sometimes.

[Sanguiris]

He might be sick and doesnt like talking about it (depression or anxiety). I too live with anxiety, but I'm 26 and at school. Ive recently been talking to people about it (friends, parents, family) I'm going to see a psychologist. Doing all I can to get rid of it. He might just be in that situation that it's hard for him to make any changes, I was like that.

Talk to him seriously

[Dug]

Bring up your concerns and try to push him towards improving himself, or go tough love and only buy groceries for yourself or move out and live on your own /shrug.

Also I don't think he's an alcoholic, that's not what alcoholism is. Binging for a week every couple of months, while not healthy in the slightest isn't a dependency issue. Maybe habitual but nothing you've said screams "alcoholic" to me

[extinction1337]

when it's family, or even a best friend, it's not so easy, bordering on impossible sometimes.

Its truthfully like 100x worse regarding family in a situation like this.