Looking for some guidance on this situation

[Docturphil]

First and foremost, I want to apologize if this post gets a little ranty. I could summarize it but I feel doing so would make the nuance of the situation get lost. I'm gonna cut it down as much as possible.

So, started dating this girl recently. She's pretty cool. Our chemistry isn't amazing but it's not bad and I've been out of the dating game for about 8 months so I thought I'd give it a shot since I knew for a while that she had a crush on me. Recently though I feel like we're on the verge of breaking up and I kinda want some insight on how to proceed.

So, Wednesday I decided to surprise her at work (we work together but I wasn't working that night) because I hadn't seen her since Sunday and I wouldn't see her until next Sunday otherwise. She was super excited to see me and we went out for ice cream afterwards and had a pretty good time. I kissed her good night and left. She texts me later talking about how amazing it was and all that jazz. Now, she's enlisting into the air force so that Thursday and Friday she's gone to MEPS to enlist. She makes it in and I congratulate her. She doesn't text me back that day but I figured she's busy with the whole thing so I don't think much of it.

I text her the next day and she seems kinda subdued. She's no longer calling me pet names and her texts are pretty matter of fact. She says she's cranky so I just write it off and figure that I'll let her do her thing and we'll talk tomorrow since we work together on Sunday. Sunday comes and it's pretty cool. At least as far as work goes. We get off at the same time and I walk her to her car and we talk for a bit. We had made plans to hang out on Monday but she tells me that she's now going to the movies with her sister on Monday and that she can't hang. So, I say we can just chill on Tuesday. She agrees but doesn't seem too excited about the idea. She says that she's just tired so I tell her good night and I leave.

I text her on Monday and once again she's very subdued with her texts. I was busy on Monday so I just left it be until that night when I tried to call her to confirm our plans for Tuesday. She doesn't answer, so I text her and she now says that she has to meet with her recruiter the next day. I'm starting to think that she is just losing interest, but I ask her if she wants to grab a bite to eat afterwards instead. She says "Yeah probably" which is once again pretty unenthusiastic. I text her to give me a ballpark estimate of when she'll be free so I could get my work done beforehand and she doesn't text back.

At this point I'm pretty annoyed because I feel like she doesn't care and I now am acting like I care too much even though I don't so I plan on dumping her today. She texts me this morning about how she feels super sick and she can't hang out at all. From all the reluctance I've gotten from her I feel like this is bullshit but I can't really call her on it so I tell her to feel better. I tell my mom about all this because she knows the girl and she gives me a different perspective and proposes that perhaps it's all coincidences and she does care.

So, I am now conflicted. I work with this girl and she's already told everyone at work that we're dating so I can't get a clean break. I kinda like her but the chemistry has been a little off lately and I don't want to waste anymore time on her if she's not interested, but now I'm not entirely sure that she isn't interested anymore. I was planning on texting her tomorrow and seeing if she's feeling better and if she is, if she's working tomorrow. Then, I'd ask her in person how she feels, but I wonder if its even worth it.

So, I have three questions for you guys. 1. Do you guys feel like she's actually lost interest or she's actually just been really busy? 2. If you do think she's lost interest should I just text her tomorrow and end it or approach her in person and see what's really up? 3. If we do break up, how do you propose I keep it so that we can maintain a healthy work relationship?

Personally, I wouldn't recommend dating unreliable people. That should pretty much be rule #1 for anyone you're dating. They need to be reliable and trustworthy. If they say they're going to hang out with you and then they bail out all the time, that's shitty of them and is a good indication of how the rest of the relationship will be should the relationship continue for any amount of time. If they're bailing on you all the time it means they can't make up their mind. It can be an indication that they're likely to cheat on you. If you like that person, fine. Just don't date them. And let them contact YOU.

That being said, if you really like this girl you should be up front with her. Be direct. Ask her why she keeps bailing out. If she gives you some bullshit answer, get more blunt with her. If you can tell she's still not being honest, then just leave her be. Stop texting her. But whatever you do, don't put up with that flaky bullshit with her bailing out all the time.

My personal opinion is that since she's going to be in the air force she probably doesn't want to invest too much in a relationship that is likely to end when she travels across the country. If you want to end the relationship, it seems like in this case all you need to do is stop texting her. It doesn't sound like you're far enough in the relationship to owe her anything official and both of you probably don't want a bunch of drama.

- - - Updated - - -

Well, we have a story of only 3 days. Monday and Tuesday, and today. And she has had an explanation for those, but he doesn't want to believe it. It's some detective work to figure out someone isn't interested in few days. People have bad times longer than that.



Prove to me she has lied. The OP apparently hasn't been able to either. Her explanations are sound until you do.

It sounds to me like you're trying to defend her because you're the type of person that also makes excuses and bails out on people. When people bail out once you should probably give them the benefit of the doubt. When people bail out more than once then it's very likely they aren't being honest.

Also, this isn't a court of law. No one has to prove anything. It's perfectly acceptable to let your instincts decide things for you in relationships.

[Azadina]

It sounds to me like you're trying to defend her because you're the type of person that also makes excuses and bails out on people. When people bail out once you should probably give them the benefit of the doubt. When people bail out more than once then it's very likely they aren't being honest.

Also, this isn't a court of law. No one has to prove anything. It's perfectly acceptable to let your instincts decide things for you in relationships.

There is nothing concrete there in the OP that actually makes a case against her. Nothing but his imagination he plays with himself. Why shouldn't I defend a person who is so far innocent, and only the target of some other persons accusations with no proof.

The case so far is that he has accusations he can't prove, despite her reasons so far being perfectly plausible. That's a case against him instead. Also, I have no doubt you and the other guys have conveniently ignored the part where he is lying to her, by his own words.

At this point I'm pretty annoyed because I feel like she doesn't care and I now am acting like I care too much even though I don't so I plan on dumping her today. She texts me this morning about how she feels super sick and she can't hang out at all. From all the reluctance I've gotten from her I feel like this is bullshit but I can't really call her on it so I tell her to feel better.

There you have it, a flat out lie. He doesn't believe a word she says, so his reply to her is 100% dishonest BS.

[Taeldorian]

Uh I'll be honest when I went to do everything to be a national guard (MEPS, basic, ait) it was pretty meh. I could totally understand if she's cranky.

We had to get up at 5-6 am every morning during basic and start with drills and a bunch of annoying stuff. It made me 100% cranky getting up every morning like that especially if I couldn't sleep. Not sure if she's in basic yet though so maybe this doesn't apply.

I also hear the Air Force along with the navy is a bit more relaxed in terms of the physical training. No idea though, all I know is when I went to basic I was cranky 99.5% of the time.

[Docturphil]

There is nothing concrete there in the OP that actually makes a case against her. Nothing but his imagination he plays with himself. Why shouldn't I defend a person who is so far innocent, and only the target of some other persons accusations with no proof.

The case so far is that he has accusations he can't prove, despite her reasons so far being perfectly plausible. That's a case against him instead. Also, I have no doubt you and the other guys have conveniently ignored the part where he is lying to her, by his own words.



There you have it, a flat out lie. He doesn't believe a word she says, so his reply to her is 100% dishonest BS.

I'll say it again. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever that he has to prove she is or is not lying. If he thinks she's lying then that is a good enough. Is there a chance he's wrong? Sure, but that doesn't matter. Usually people's experiences will give them a good indication of what's going on. It sounds like he's basing his assumption off of past experiences. That's all the proof he needs. This is a relationship we're talking about, not a court trial.

You probably do have a point about him not calling her out though. He should probably be more up front with her.

[ItachiZaku]

It could be anything, really. It could be that she's trying to distance herself from you cuz she'll be going away to bomb other peoples kids in the air force... (though, i bet she'll be a desk jockey, that's what AF is for anyways). Kidding aside, when is she leaving for basic? she might be wanting to have those last few hang out sessions with her fam, might expect you to break up with her and move on cuz she's leaving, or... she's just a woman womaning.

- - - Updated - - -

Uh I'll be honest when I went to do everything to be a national guard (MEPS, basic, ait) it was pretty meh. I could totally understand if she's cranky.

We had to get up at 5-6 am every morning during basic and start with drills and a bunch of annoying stuff. It made me 100% cranky getting up every morning like that especially if I couldn't sleep. Not sure if she's in basic yet though so maybe this doesn't apply.

I also hear the Air Force along with the navy is a bit more relaxed in terms of the physical training. No idea though, all I know is when I went to basic I was cranky 99.5% of the time.

She hasn't shipped to Lackland yet, just processed through MEPS, but she most certainly could be thinking "what the fuck did I just do", hence the subdued attitude. I wasn't cranky 99.5% of the time, more like 80%, the other 19% was anxious, not sure what was happening next or who was going to yell at us next. The last 1% was the need to take a shit, but unsure when we'd have to rush off to wait somewhere else, so a good pooping schedule was hard to establish.

- - - Updated - - -

Lol, maintain a healthy work relationship after a break up text. Are you in grade 8?

I dunno, bruv, I haven't dated in the workplace since the first time, after the breakup... it was fuck this bitch, don't schedule us on the same floor EVER. I was immature, but I also didn't give a fuck.

[Azadina]

I'll say it again. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever that he has to prove she is or is not lying. If he thinks she's lying then that is a good enough. Is there a chance he's wrong? Sure, but that doesn't matter. Usually people's experiences will give them a good indication of what's going on. It sounds like he's basing his assumption off of past experiences. That's all the proof he needs. This is a relationship we're talking about, not a court trial.

You probably do have a point about him not calling her out though. He should probably be more up front with her.

My point is simply that he's acting rashly, based on few days events, which she provided explanations for. Reasonable ones. There's no point in immediately jumping to "she's lying, I'll dump her" conclusions. I mean, for real. I wouldn't be with my current partner, if I had broken up every time there's a change of plans and/or bad/busy days. It happens to everyone.

You are right in it that he has the right to do so if he wants, but is it a very smart idea before finding out more? Don't think so. It's also somewhat ironic that he thinks she's being dishonest, when the only provable dishonesty is from his part. I admit, it was minor, and I also missed it because of it the first time, but it's also more than she's currently guilty of.

[Docturphil]

My point is simply that he's acting rashly, based on few days events, which she provided explanations for. Reasonable ones. There's no point in immediately jumping to "she's lying, I'll dump her" conclusions. I mean, for real. I wouldn't be with my current partner, if I had broken up every time there's a change of plans and/or bad/busy days. It happens to everyone.

You are right in it that he has the right to do so if he wants, but is it a very smart idea before finding out more? Don't think so. It's also somewhat ironic that he thinks she's being dishonest, when the only provable dishonesty is from his part. I admit, it was minor, and I also missed it because of it the first time, but it's also more than she's currently guilty of.

Maybe he should give the whole thing more time. But it's not like there's a lot invested in this relationship. He said they've been dating for what, like a week or two? If they had been dating for months, then yeah I would say for sure give it more time, but that's not the case.

To me, it's the beginning of the relationship and she's already bailed twice. That's not a good sign and in my opinion it's enough to at least reconsider where the relationship is headed. I think he has two good options. Either he confronts her and tells her what he's thinking and gives her another chance or he just stops texting her and the relationship will end if she does the same.

[dextersmith]

I dunno, bruv, I haven't dated in the workplace since the first time, after the breakup... it was fuck this bitch, don't schedule us on the same floor EVER. I was immature, but I also didn't give a fuck.

Shit hit the fan for me too when things went sour at work with colleagues......two different colleagues....... but breaking up with a text is juvenile and craven on its own. Hoping to keep a healthy work relationship after such a text is utter stupidity.

[Karlz0rz]

If someone cancels on plans, without giving up another day/date to do something, they usually have lost interest. Especially THIS early in the dating process.
I say move on, and don't be bitter towards her. Shit happens!

[McFuu]

Bro,

She is going off to the Air Force. You guys can barely keep it interesting now and you see each other regularly. Your relationship is over and she probably realized it but doesn't want to make any real decision.

Also never get laid where you get paid.

Don't break up over text, take her out, break up amicably. It will save you from some drama at work. Just put it in a way that sounds like its the best for the both of you. And whatever you do don't make her answer for her actions over the past few days, putting her on the defensive during the break up convo is not going to go well.

[Azadina]

Maybe he should give the whole thing more time. But it's not like there's a lot invested in this relationship. He said they've been dating for what, like a week or two? If they had been dating for months, then yeah I would say for sure give it more time, but that's not the case.

To me, it's the beginning of the relationship and she's already bailed twice. That's not a good sign and in my opinion it's enough to at least reconsider where the relationship is headed. I think he has two good options. Either he confronts her and tells her what he's thinking and gives her another chance or he just stops texting her and the relationship will end if she does the same.

Personally, I think the best advice so far has been this:

Tell her you know she is busy, and tell her to contact you once she is free.

Then stop initiating contacts with her, wait for her to respond. If she doesn't respond after a month, write her off.

Not that I would give it more than few weeks, but basically it will allow her to schedule when she does have time, instead of him trying to push meeting on top of other meetings. If she doesn't, then it's rather obvious that she's not interested.

[soulzek]

Tell her you know she is busy, and tell her to contact you once she is free.

Then stop initiating contacts with her, wait for her to respond. If she doesn't respond after a month, write her off.

this is also what i'd recommend. just dont be surprised if you never hear from her, other than a "hey". it's what people who aren't REALLY interested do. ALL. THE. TIME.

[Prokne]

Bro,

She is going off to the Air Force. You guys can barely keep it interesting now and you see each other regularly. Your relationship is over and she probably realized it but doesn't want to make any real decision.

Also never get laid where you get paid.

Don't break up over text, take her out, break up amicably. It will save you from some drama at work. Just put it in a way that sounds like its the best for the both of you. And whatever you do don't make her answer for her actions over the past few days, putting her on the defensive during the break up convo is not going to go well.

If/when you do talk to her about the issues you have with the relationship, do not accuse her of anything or make it seem like her fault. Ask her how she is feeling and how her week was, and other things to find out what her state of mind is. Act like you are worried about her even if you aren't.

Then if she says something that means she doesn't want to keep dating you, you break up mutually.

[Poppincaps]

A little update. Decided to just let things go their own course and she hit me up yesterday. We texted a little bit. She still seemed a little cold but whatever. I texted her a funny picture of me that was related to what we were talking about to try and cheer her up but she never responded even though the messenger said that she saw it. It was kinda an embarrassing picture so that was pretty awkward.

Me being the impatient fuck that I am, I decided to text her a little while ago and ask if we could meet up on Saturday to talk for a bit. She agreed but seemed worried at that proposition. I reassured her that everything was cool (partially a lie, I just didn't want to freak her out. But also not completely a lie because I don't want to talk to break up, I just want to figure out what's going on). She then starts calling me "babe" again. At this point I don't really know what to think so I'm just gonna keep it 100 and wait until Saturday for answers.

Thanks to you guys though for all your advice. Made me realize that I was jumping to conclusions too quickly. Even if this doesn't work out, I'll have at least learned something for future relationships.

[Kapadons]

If my wife didn't text me for a few days, I'd know something was up. If her answers are short in text while at work it's because she is busy. If they are short when she is at home it's because she is making food, doing home work with kids or working out. Very rarely would I assume she is pissed at me or disinterested. Unless I did something for her to be mad about and I'm being a stubborn ass and not saying sorry.

But I'm gonna let you in on a well known secret. Girls (generally speaking) don't like needy guys. If you are texting her too much and she doesn't answer or gives vague short answers, she really doesn't seem to be that in to you any more. Or she has more important shit going on. I would bet that if you break off contact other than pleasantries at work, she will be blowing you up the following week. Or she will actually have been done, didn't have the heart to tell you, and you saved yourself some time.

Either way , the answer seems to be to stop texting her.

[May90]

IMO, people care too much about others' immediate actions. People sometimes just feel off and don't feel like talking much. Or sometimes, in contrary, they feel like interacting and being close with others. It is pretty pointless to analyze one's behavior today and think, "Mmm, what does it mean?" Let time decide things.