Currently working on some fan fiction could use some feedback

[Deleted]

FYI - this is NOT DONE. Its a beginning to hopefully a long story

Times were good, there was prosperity going through Stormwind and throughout the human kingdom. It’s been a long time since any harm or foul creatures have roamed the human realm.

The night was slowly running through the forest of Elwynn. The twilight had a purple glow this very night. In between great trees and forest leafs, a little gathering was. A weak bonfire was going. Around the fire was tree silhouettes and as the fire grew larger faces came out of the darkness.

“… I tell you this Erekon” the Dwarven master Gar said, “Its been a long time since I’ve seen folk like this around here”

“What do you mean?” Aaron said as he ferociously tried to get a fire going for the fourth time that evening.

“Heh, you know what I mean!” Gar hissed. “These folk we’ve seen from Westfall lately. Haven’t you seen ’em?” Erekon replied startled by his weak observation skills “No”.

“Westfall have been a good place for many years now. There has been no need for sending guards that way, the danger was always from south. I tell you our King, long live Anduin first of his name, has been neglecting Westfall. And then these folk started just marching into Westfall and occupied Moonbrook” Gar passionately said.

“Easy there Gar, it’s not nice to question our king.” Erekon said as he gazed upon the fire which was finally going.

“Do you disagree, am I wrong?”Gar pointed angrily towards Erekon.

“As footsoldiers, that’s not our role to questioning our King, long live Anduin first of his name” Aaron stated.

“Bahh, You always been avoiding conflicts Aaron let the man speak for himself” Gar mumbled

The darkness steadily crawled through the trees, enveloped everything in its path. They were a part of squad which was stationed near the Jasperlode Mine, as a part of the king’s orders. Scouts of the king have observed strange creatures roaming in the mines below and it was the squad’s assignment to kill all and capture one of these creatures.

Nighttime came and the squad settled in.

“Morning to you lads” Gar said as he threw 3 dead rabbits on to Erekon and Aaron. “by the King!”

Erekon gasped and he glimpsed the dead corpses. He had never been too fond of dead things. Actually he never really liked being in the Alliance or in any military. It was his dad Erekar who forced him to join the forces of the Alliance. He had always despised his father, but from the day he joined the forces he never spoke to him again.

The rabbits were just laying there, looking at him with their dead dry eyes, filling him with guilt.

“Get them off me!” he yelled. Gar looked strangely at him and then remembered Erekon phobia of dead thing and started laughing and started skinning the rabbits for breakfast.

Aaron looked at Gar “where did the hunt take you this morning?” being precise with his words. “I was hunting north of the Stonefield farm.” Gar paused “there was something strange about that place I tell you.” He peaked the interest of the two others “No one was there, I only saw the livestock, cows, chicks, horses, but no one was there.” Aaron threw the rabbits on the grill and they started sizzling. “What do you mean: No one” he asked. “Just like I said Aaron, no one. It’s like they all just vanished from the face of the earth.” Aaron sent a crooked smile at Gar “Why dont you tell it to the captain then.” trying to end the conversation. “I’ve already done that”

[OperationFerret]

So this is a sub-forum where we are supposed to get feedback from the admins, instead of the other way around? I've been doing it wrong the entire time!

OT: It lacks romance.

[Deleted]

Ok thanks lol. I totally got that wrong!

Would you mind sending me in the right direction then?

[Lochton]

Sadly, there isn't any section for art and feedback, it has been requested but right now, there isn't any. Would point you the right way, if I knew it.

[Deleted]

Sadly, there isn't any section for art and feedback, it has been requested but right now, there isn't any. Would point you the right way, if I knew it.

aww thats to bad, arent there any other sites?

[Coconut]

You should pay more attention to grammar and spelling, "It had been a long time since any harmful or foul creatures roamed the human realm", "The twilight had a purple glow that night" ("very" has no place there, you probably heard the expression "that very night", but in that context "very" means "the same", as in "They met the very night the keep caught fire"), "Westfall has been a good place", etc, "The darkness crawled [...], enveloping everything [...]", etc.

Try to avoid redundancies, such as "dead corpses" (corpses are dead by default, it shouldn't be specified); perhaps "carcasses" is a better alternative altogether, but that would be up to you.

You have to try and master these things before you write. I suggest showing your writing to a friend/family member/teacher who is good at grammar, let them correct it and take notes for next time. You'll get better along the way.

Also, I obviously can't tell for sure from such a short piece, but when you describe what your characters are doing, you should do it with characterization in mind, and/or for the purpose of setting up future conflicts, not just because it makes that moment sound cooler.

You should also try not to repeat the same idea from different perspectives... I know even some published authors do that sometimes, but it doesn't flow right for the reader :P For example, you spend a paragraph explaining that dead animals make your character uncomfortable, and then the other character "remembers his phobia". You should only mention it from one perspective (or not at all, if you can imply it effectively), while the other simply reacts naturally.

For example, either have the first character act squeamish around the dead rabbits without telling us why, and have the other character explain it in some indirect way ("Three years a soldier, and still afraid of a dead rodent. Gar wondered if there was any hope for him", or something like that), OR explain his phobia from his perspective, the way you did it (more or less), then have the other character say something that implies he knows about it - if that's what you want to show ("'If you're going to puke your guts again, please turn away from our future meal', said Gar chuckling in his beard", or "'You know, lad, you don't have to look until they're roasted', said Gar, and he let out a guffaw").

Either way, it helps a lot in the long run if these moments matter to the story and if characters have consistent personalities and relations to each other that won't change without a reason. You have to decide if your characters are going to fight over their differences, if they're going to have a conflict that will bring them closer, if one of them will help the other change, or if their personalities are going to remain the same and simply serve as a catalyst for the plot, or background details.

[Darsithis]

This isn't the appropriate forum for this. The S&F forum is for forum suggestions.

You can probably put this in the Lore forum, at best, but that, too, is really meant for lore discussion, not book reviews.