Havent seen my son in 10 years

[Deleted]

I have a son, saw him untill he was 2 and then broke up with his mother. I was at the birth, changed his dipers, feed him stood awake for nights and so on you get the picture.

After 2 years the mother and i broke up but i saw my son on neutral ground at his grandparents house. When i met my now wife (11years marrige) the mother of my son started to find reason and started to cause trouble so i couldnt see him anymore. So i said, i will break up the contact and when my son is old enough tell him about me and i am there for him. This is like 10 years ago.

Now i had to get in touch with the mother regarding entertains i couldnt pay because for the last 1 year of unemployment and i had the feeling that she will never tell my son about me. Now i regret my descision deeply that i broke up the contact and i am thinking about to get contact to him again.

What you guys think how to tackle this difficult situation? When i saw him last time he just started walking and talking...i must be a complete stranger to him by now.

[Deleted]

Does he has a stepfather ?

If not there is a good chance he grew up wanting a father figure in is life

Now may be the best chance you have before he enters adolescence

[Malacrass]

You will always be a stanger to him, so the best bet would be to just wait until he approaches you. At one point he certainly will, if only out of sheer curiosity (unless you were a major asshole/criminal). His mother not telling him anything about you is a big plus.

[Deleted]

Does he has a stepfather ?

If not there is a good chance he grew up wanting a father figure in is life

Now may be the best chance you have before he enters adolescence

I had somekind of "Stepfather" on the phone when i called the mother and the way he talked to me made me think that my son needs to know his real father.

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No criminal record never beat his mom etc, i mean i am no saint but my father teached me what it means to be a man.

[Afrospinach]

What you guys think how to tackle this difficult situation? When i saw him last time he just started walking and talking...i must be a complete stranger to him by now.

You are not a stranger. I have a similar situation that I am not going to go into but I think it is always worth trying, they don't forget.

[Deleted]

I had somekind of "Stepfather" on the phone when i called the mother and the way he talked to me made me think that my son needs to know his real father.

Then you should not forcibly try to insert yourself in his life but clearly make him understand that you are here for him and the decision is in his hands

After all this time it really is up to him, I understand you probably really want him back in your life but whatever you do don't rush things if he makes clear he is not willing to see you

Imho your best course of action is as I said, maybe arrange a meeting and make him know you want to be a father but leave him the choice

[Deleted]

well you are most likely not saying your part of the story. Should you see your kid?

What was the reason for the break up?
Why did you wait 10 freaking years?
What kind of father gives up that easily but then decides in 10 years its fine?
Do you have drug or alcohol problems?
Was there violence involved?
Did you pay child support or help with anything in raising a kid?

[Deleted]

You breed and then... that's it? He has nothing learned from you, has no socialized traits - nothing. Any other man could have painted him more in his colors by now. How does that feel?

[Deleted]

Then you should not forcibly try to insert yourself in his life but clearly make him understand that you are here for him and the decision is in his hands

After all this time it really is up to him, I understand you probably really want him back in your life but whatever you do don't rush things if he makes clear he is not willing to see you

Imho your best course of action is as I said, maybe arrange a meeting and make him know you want to be a father but leave him the choice

Like i said, after the phone call i got the feeling that the mother will never give him the choice by not telling him about me. Atleast he should have the choice.

[mvaliz]

The chief thing to remember is this - it's not your decision, it's his. So, don't take it personal nor push the issue if he doesn't want to see you.

Because there's many factors here we don't know... why you broke up, what those "troubles" were that led to your decision to not be in his life, and (most importantly) how she presented that information to him - if at all.

So, don't take it personal if he says "no". I've known a lot of people who have had their biological fathers contact them after so many years have passed - and many simply chose "no" because "why bother? They chose to not be there for me, and I didn't need them... so why should I care?"

Secondly, and this is another one, be prepared to accept him for who he is and wants to be and has become.

You're saying you want to be a part of his life - but do you really mean you want him to be a part of your life? Most fathers want, on some level, their sons to be them, but "part 2, the sequel of me". Your son may be VERY different than you imagined, so not only expect things different than you may have wanted for them - but embrace those differences.

Thirdly - prepare for some tough questioning if you two do meet! If his mom was his only role-model growing up and he loved her, don't point the finger at her saying it's her fault, or somesuch things. :P

That's all I got atm. Good luck though!

[Incarnia]

Don't wait for your kid to decide to make contact with you. It is a huge thing to put on any child's shoulders, and a lot of emotional trauma can have it's root in not knowing who your real parent is, why they abandoned you, why they don't seem to care enough to make contact etc. You really want to risk having your kid grow up plagued by those questions? Being abandoned by a parent, regardless of the reasons behind why the parent choose to do so can make for some serious harm to a person and their identity.
You are the adult and the parent and should take responsibility accordingly, especially now when you've finally come to your senses in this matter. You've made a mistake, you've realized that and now you've got to "fix" it, not for your sake but for your kids sake. I would recommend you to seek some sort of professional guidance of how to best re-introduce yourself in your kids life, and how you can deal with some of the more difficult questions your child may come to ask you.

[Deleted]

Like i said, after the phone call i got the feeling that the mother will never give him the choice by not telling him about me. Atleast he should have the choice.

"So i said, i will break up the contact and when my son is old enough tell him about me and i am there for him."

No YOU made the choice. You literally said you made the choice to see the kid when he is older?! I am thinking you should not not be in touch with the kid. It was your choice no one else.

[Fojos]

You breed and then... that's it? He has nothing learned from you, has no socialized traits - nothing. Any other man could have painted him more in his colors by now. How does that feel?

Traits? Personality is mostly biological.

There's a reason identical twins have almost the exact same personalities even when growing up in completely different enviroments.

[mvaliz]

Like i said, after the phone call i got the feeling that the mother will never give him the choice by not telling him about me. Atleast he should have the choice.

Ahhhh... you see, right there! That's bad - that's exactly the kinda thing I'm talking about with "it's not about you"! Sadly, that's not for you to choose anymore the moment you parted ways and made the deal.

Also consider this... you fear she may not give him a choice, but he ALWAYS has a choice! if he's curious about you, he will ask questions. if she refuses or gives bad/wrong advice, he can choose to accept it - or consider it later on. Ever consider that by her not giving him a choice may make him want to meet you MORE? :P

Also, what age is he? if he's still in his early teens, then no - it's not his choice. That should be his choice as an adult, not as a kid. As a kid soon to be entering high school or just dealing with High School - he's got enough emotional shit to deal with on his plate than to have an emotional reunion with a long lost relative. :P

So it may not happen they way you want, or even now - but maybe it will happen later... and maybe at a time when a) he's mature enough to deal with the emotions along with it, and b) when he's in full control of his life.

[Alexeht]

10 years is so long that I couldn't find a good reason for you to talk with him.

[Deleted]

"So i said, i will break up the contact and when my son is old enough tell him about me and i am there for him."

No YOU made the choice. You literally said you made the choice to see the kid when he is older?! I am thinking you should not not be in touch with the kid. It was your choice no one else.

the mother wanted me back after i met my now wife and used my son as pressure... need more explantion ? i dont wanted him to grow up with the mother starting a war against me because i left her.

[mvaliz]

Traits? Personality is mostly biological..

o_O

Ummm... no

Physical traits are the most biological. Personality has to do with the childs upbringing and surrounding culture/influence only. Ever watch a documentary on children who grew up in different countries than their father? They become completely different people than their fathers.

[Deleted]

Ahhhh... you see, right there! That's bad - that's exactly the kinda thing I'm talking about with "it's not about you"! Sadly, that's not for you to choose anymore the moment you parted ways and made the deal.

Also consider this... you fear she may not give him a choice, but he ALWAYS has a choice! if he's curious about you, he will ask questions. if she refuses or gives bad/wrong advice, he can choose to accept it - or consider it later on. Ever consider that by her not giving him a choice may make him want to meet you MORE? :P

Also, what age is he? if he's still in his early teens, then no - it's not his choice. That should be his choice as an adult, not as a kid. As a kid soon to be entering high school or just dealing with High School - he's got enough emotional shit to deal with on his plate than to have an emotional reunion with a long lost relative. :P

So it may not happen they way you want, or even now - but maybe it will happen later... and maybe at a time when a) he's mature enough to deal with the emotions along with it, and b) when he's in full control of his life.

You are giving horrible advice. A kid is a kid and an adult is an adult. The kid should not be making such decisions period. The father should be a man and talk with the mother. And say, "I want to see the kid and how he is doing" The parents will then arrange a meeting. You should never put so much pressure on a kid like this it is a horrible decision.

[fengosa]

This kind of thing is probably more common than people realize and it's not easy by any means. My cousin became distant from our family after a bitter divorce and it was close to 24 years before we saw her. We only ever really pushed the matter because our grandmother was on her deathbed and it was one of her last wishes in life. My parents are reasonably close to her and we've forged a good relation. My brother and her have definitely bonded over quoted Monty Python and playing games.

You might want to consult a lawyer over what the best way to proceed is. If the mother is receptive asking might be all it takes but there are probably legal avenues to figure out visitation hours if she isn't. Check online for resources that aren't mmo-c as well. This is more common that you realize and plenty of people are in the same boat. Talk to them and see how they handled the situation.

It's might not be easy but life is too short to not fight for this. Best of luck with it all.

[Azadina]

You also need to consider how he might see it, or come to see it. You've never been there for him as far as he is concerned. You've shown him that he's worth nothing to you, not even a word. You don't have to agree with that, but you've never shown otherwise either.