How do you let go of your best friend?

[Deathknightish]

This thread is hard as fuck to write, but I know it's the only way to feel better.

I'm a 28 year old guys. For the last 5 years, I've had a friend which we'll call Lisa.

We quickly became friends, and shortly after that we were each other's closest friend who we could talk to about everything and we hung out like once every other weekend.

Because of my Aspergers, I did a few unintentional misteps which got her mad at me a few times and ignore me for a few weeks. Nothing major really, but things like if we had planned to see each other and she was gonna be 2 hours late I would say "Okay, then I'm just gonna do something else and we'll hang some other time ". I had no idea that she would take offense to that as I personally wouldn't. It was minor things like that, but we always got back together. I do have to say though, and this is relevant to the main subject of this thread, that I used to have a hard time dealing with people being mad at me. And then I mean a HARD time. I would go into a depression and make all these emo texts to her several days in a row.

Well, this is what fucked everything up...
Nearly 1½ years ago the same thing happened. She got pissed over some minor thing and ignored me and my normal emo self came forth.
Problem was that she also had a lot of stress at home and at work, so a few weeks turned into a few months before I even heard of her. She said that she hated how I spammed her because she felt like she was under my gaze, like I was making sure she didn't do anything I did not want. That wasn't the case at all from my side, I was just side, but fair game if that's what she felt. I apologised and tried to stop.
It worked for 1 month before I started again. Then she started to ignore me again.

What is also relevant is that I had insight enough to understand that I couldn't keep up with this. It was neither fair to her, nor me, and I went to a psychologist who quickly understood that I was in a depression. She wasn't the factor that started it, but she being pissed was surely a variable in keeping it going.

A few months later I texted her again. Explaining what I had gone through and that I had gotten help, mostly with dealing with my anxiety and emo phases.
We started talking again like nothing had happened. Things actually seemed alright, but then she texted me a huge message she had written on for months that basically said that she was terribly scared of me during that time, that she felt like she was backed into a corner and that she wasn't sure if we could hang out like we used to. At the very least not talk about deep problems like before.

I can understand her. I'm not making excuses, I was a shitty person during that time, and whenever she was pissed at me. I regret it so much.

That was about 7-8 months ago. We've spoken a few times, but compared to before it's nothing. We speak maybe once every two months. Back in august she also told me that she was gonna move out of town, which made me really sad and I haven't spoken to her at all. This part I'm actually proud of, because it has showed that the therapy I had has in fact helped. I have not written a single word to her.

I still feel like shit though, and this is where I need advice. In theory, I know that we could possibly become closer once more, because she doesn't live THAT far away (like a 1 hour ride with the bus). Maybe not as close as before, but closer than we are now. The thing is that I also am afraid that she'll be a changed person during this time, and that we won't be as compatible as we used to.

I don't know if it's good for me to get back with her. I have another new female friend I have a much healthier friendship with who I really enjoy spending time with, and we hang out more often (but because of past history I won't let her come AS close, even though we are getting close.).
Another problem is that we also have 2 friends in-common, who I have also taken some distance from because they remind me too much of her. However these two I would like to get back with either way.

As it is now, it feels best to just let go, because I know I will always regret what I did and missing out a year and a half of her life (like I said, we spoke about everything that was happening to us).

I still feel like shit thinking about it, because it was such a big part of my life. How do I let go without feeling shit? Or should I at least try to bring things back together?

[Azadina]

Sounds like you scared her with what seems like possessive behavior. You say you've been getting better due to therapy, and that's a good thing. Keep doing that, and future friendships are bound to go better, when you know the mistakes you've made in the past. It hurts losing friends, but I'd advice to let it go. You can't undo the mistakes, but you can avoid repeating them in the future.

[Deathknightish]

Sounds like you scared her with what seems like possessive behavior. You say you've been getting better due to therapy, and that's a good thing. Keep doing that, and future friendships are bound to go better, when you know the mistakes you've made in the past. It hurts losing friends, but I'd advice to let it go. You can't undo the mistakes, but you can avoid repeating them in the future.

I guess. There's just so much nostalgia and history, it hurts just thinking about a future with her as a friend. She was the one that made me realise girls weren't that scary, and I managed to get my first girlfriend for instance. I have made a lot of personal improvement, thanks to her.

[Doctor Amadeus]

This thread is hard as fuck to write, but I know it's the only way to feel better.

Ok

I'm a 28 year old guys. For the last 5 years, I've had a friend which we'll call Lisa.

Fair enough

We quickly became friends, and shortly after that we were each other's closest friend who we could talk to about everything and we hung out like once every other weekend.

Awesome

Because of my Aspergers, I did a few unintentional misteps which got her mad at me a few times and ignore me for a few weeks. Nothing major really, but things like if we had planned to see each other and she was gonna be 2 hours late I would say "Okay, then I'm just gonna do something else and we'll hang some other time ". I had no idea that she would take offense to that as I personally wouldn't.

Without knowing the misteps, how do we know it had anything to do with your friendship, Aspergers is a condition you have it doesn't have to be who you are. I don't have Aspergers and I have made a right jackass of myself to friends also, so your condition might have an impact but even if you don't understand social cues you should have models for behavior you desire socially right?

It was minor things like that, but we always got back together. I do have to say though, and this is relevant to the main subject of this thread, that I used to have a hard time dealing with people being mad at me. And then I mean a HARD time. I would go into a depression and make all these emo texts to her several days in a row.

Sounds like avoidant trait, although that can be pretty normal.

Well, this is what fucked everything up...
Nearly 1½ years ago the same thing happened. She got pissed over some minor thing and ignored me and my normal emo self came forth.
Problem was that she also had a lot of stress at home and at work, so a few weeks turned into a few months before I even heard of her. She said that she hated how I spammed her because she felt like she was under my gaze, like I was making sure she didn't do anything I did not want.

Yep gotta know when to pull back and your condition could effect that, yep.

That wasn't the case at all from my side, I was just side, but fair game if that's what she felt.

Yes but relationships are reciprocals as in two way streets.

I apologised and tried to stop.

What did you apologize for because that is important.

It worked for 1 month before I started again. Then she started to ignore me again.

Apologies are for the other person not just for you, and just because you are sorry doesn't fix the problem

What is also relevant is that I had insight enough to understand that I couldn't keep up with this. It was neither fair to her, nor me, and I went to a psychologist who quickly understood that I was in a depression. She wasn't the factor that started it, but she being pissed was surely a variable in keeping it going.

OK glad you got help but this seems more about you less about her, You apologized but then you seem like you are still blaming her.

A few months later I texted her again. Explaining what I had gone through and that I had gotten help, mostly with dealing with my anxiety and emo phases.

Not sure why you did this, It sounds like you are treating this friend less like a friend, and more like an audience or subject, when you go away or go do your own thing, people aren't books that you mark and come back exactly at only the parts you want to pick up from before as if people stop existing when you aren't around. This woman has her own life, that isn't about you it is about her, which you are part of, not the center.

We started talking again like nothing had happened.

This is why this is difficult because we are only getting one side of the story, just because she seemed to table the issue or move passed it, doesn't mean if was nothing to her.

Things actually seemed alright, but then she texted me a huge message she had written on for months that basically said that she was terribly scared of me during that time, that she felt like she was backed into a corner and that she wasn't sure if we could hang out like we used to. At the very least not talk about deep problems like before.

Yeah she it wasn't nothing, and she hadn't moved passed it and had her own problem. Meaning not your fault and not about you, however your presence may no longer been as important to her as vice verse, people move on.

I can understand her. I'm not making excuses, I was a shitty person during that time, and whenever she was pissed at me. I regret it so much.

I don't think you are the bad guy here either, people make mistakes relationships don't work out for lots of reasons, sometimes it can simply be that two people grow apart, your being sorry for the past might be passed the point of being relevant to her condition.

That was about 7-8 months ago. We've spoken a few times, but compared to before it's nothing. We speak maybe once every two months. Back in august she also told me that she was gonna move out of town, which made me really sad and I haven't spoken to her at all. This part I'm actually proud of, because it has showed that the therapy I had has in fact helped. I have not written a single word to her.

Congratulations

I still feel like shit though, and this is where I need advice. In theory, I know that we could possibly become closer once more, because she doesn't live THAT far away (like a 1 hour ride with the bus). Maybe not as close as before, but closer than we are now. The thing is that I also am afraid that she'll be a changed person during this time, and that we won't be as compatible as we used to.

I don't think you have any cause to come to this conclusion and you should probably just leave her alone, unless you want to be open for her to reach out to you

I don't know if it's good for me to get back with her. I have another new female friend I have a much healthier friendship with who I really enjoy spending time with, and we hang out more often (but because of past history I won't let her come AS close, even though we are getting close.).

You are obsessing, you should focus on the friends you have and having more than 1 isn't against the rules.

Another problem is that we also have 2 friends in-common, who I have also taken some distance from because they remind me too much of her. However these two I would like to get back with either way.

I don't think those friends are independent of her, otherwise it shouldn't matter

As it is now, it feels best to just let go, because I know I will always regret what I did and missing out a year and a half of her life (like I said, we spoke about everything that was happening to us).

I still feel like shit thinking about it, because it was such a big part of my life. How do I let go without feeling shit? Or should I at least try to bring things back together?

I think you should do the one last act as an actual friend and leave her alone, and let her move on and you should do the same, you are obsessing about a past and situation which nobody has control of now

Nothing going forward is going to fix or make that behavior OK, and as far as your recent behavior, you are threading very close to the line of stalking and harassment, as bad as you feel things could always develop much worse.

Losing friends is part of light and it hurts, and is very hard.

But they are two way streets and sometimes people make decisions for themselves, which don't include you, and that something that even just former friends you should respect.

[Deleted]

In my experience, I never really got over past friendships until I found new ones and forgot about them.

[Deathknightish]

Mall: I read and acknowledged. I just don't know what to respond. You do have some points, though.

In my experience, I never really got over past friendships until I found new ones and forgot about them.

Not really sure how I'll completely forget about her unless I cut contact with the other two, but yeah you are right.

[Strawberry]

You're a guy trying to be friend with females?
Forget it, find guy friends. Unless you're one of those who think they were born with the wrong gender?
Men and women are quite different. You will never understand them and they will never understand you.

[Deathknightish]

You're a guy trying to be friend with females?
Forget it, find guy friends. Unless you're one of those who think they were born with the wrong gender?
Men and women are quite different. You will never understand them and they will never understand you.

Tbh, that has never been an issue for me. I mainly have male friends, but it's nice to have a few female friends as well because it's just not the same. I can talk deeper, emotional topics with female friends. Topics that I would get gay stamped for if I brought up with male friends.

I also have a girlfriend, mind you, so it's not some kind of romantic need that I simply cannot fulfill. I just enjoy female friendship as well.

This is the first, and hopefully only time, that I fuck up this hard as I definitely learned my lesson.

[Raakel]

I see no problem in sending your text to her as an email and offer her a personal talk at some time if she feels like it.

The thing is people change and so do you. Sometimes that means you go different paths from a certain point. She felt cornered by you and that's never a good thing and hard to forget. You could get it off your chest and have peace that way but I wouldn't expect things to be the way they where honestly.

Might be just time to move on.

[Strawberry]

Tbh, that has never been an issue for me. I mainly have male friends, but it's nice to have a few female friends as well because it's just not the same. I can talk deeper, emotional topics with female friends. Topics that I would get gay stamped for if I brought up with male friends.

I also have a girlfriend, mind you, so it's not some kind of romantic need that I simply cannot fulfill. I just enjoy female friendship as well.

This is the first, and hopefully only time, that I fuck up this hard as I definitely learned my lesson.

So what's the problem if you have other friends?
You can't keep people around you forever.

[Rexosaurus]

First: Please don't listen to people that say it's impossible/stupid to have girls as friends. It's really pretty easy, and you're absolutely right, it makes you a more well-rounded person to have regular interaction with both genders.

Second: Personally, if it's a friend that lives an hour or two away, that's someone that I'd just keep up with on FB and hang out with maybe once every couple of weeks. Don't try to force getting closer though, so good job with staying reserved and respecting her space.

As for your final question. It's natural to feel like crap when you think you've hurt someone important to you, hell I'd say that's a good sign that you're a decent human being. Don't let it swallow you up though, focus on your new friends and your girlfriend. You should use the experience to make yourself a better person, but it's okay to forgive yourself and move on. I'm speaking from experience about that.

[Deleted]

You're best off just letting her get back in touch which is unlikely and move on

[Mifuyne]

You give them the keys to unlock their cuffs and the basement door.

[Deathknightish]

So what's the problem if you have other friends?
You can't keep people around you forever.

If it was just "any" friend sure, but since we wrote to each other literally every day and hung out all the time I considered her my absolute closest friend that I've ever had. Stings 10 times worse than if it happened with many of my other friends who I'm just not as close with.

First: Please don't listen to people that say it's impossible/stupid to have girls as friends. It's really pretty easy, and you're absolutely right, it makes you a more well-rounded person to have regular interaction with both genders.

Second: Personally, if it's a friend that lives an hour or two away, that's someone that I'd just keep up with on FB and hang out with maybe once every couple of weeks. Don't try to force getting closer though, so good job with staying reserved and respecting her space.

As for your final question. It's natural to feel like crap when you think you've hurt someone important to you, hell I'd say that's a good sign that you're a decent human being. Don't let it swallow you up though, focus on your new friends and your girlfriend. You should use the experience to make yourself a better person, but it's okay to forgive yourself and move on. I'm speaking from experience about that.

I suppose. It just hurts thinking about how it turned out because we were really close. She helped me improve as a person, get rid of my anxiety around girls so that I could get my first girlfriend and all. Lot of history that we share.

[LiiLoSNK]

Nobody likes an emo cringelord. Change as a person in case she ever does try to initiate conversation with you again.

[Laerrus]

Stop making attempts to talk to them and when they want to go hang out, make excuses. They will eventually get the point.

[Deathknightish]

Nobody likes an emo cringelord. Change as a person in case she ever does try to initiate conversation with you again.

Like I said I did go to therapy for my neediness issues. And I think it worked as I've had other people ignore me since (not because of my but because of RL commitments), and it hasn't bothered me at all.

[xChurch]

Honestly, if you have a legit medical condition that contributed and she still treated you like that, you might be better off. Clearly, you overstepped your bounds too many times, but if she was as strong a friend as you claim, you'd think she'd have tried to understand earlier or at least told you how you were making her feel. Perhaps it's just me, but I can't be bothered with people who get slighted easy and have no interest in getting a full picture of what's going on. You should want to understand and help your friends, not ignore them when they start acting crazy, especially when they know you have medical issues. Also, I'd suggest reading into some meditation techniques, really helped me detatch from things and not be so clingy.

[Paperfox]

I suppose. It just hurts thinking about how it turned out because we were really close. She helped me improve as a person, get rid of my anxiety around girls so that I could get my first girlfriend and all. Lot of history that we share.

You may be going through the grief process.

Whenever you start thinking about her, try to think about something or someone else.

[Deathknightish]

Honestly, if you have a legit medical condition that contributed and she still treated you like that, you might be better off. Clearly, you overstepped your bounds too many times, but if she was as strong a friend as you claim, you'd think she'd have tried to understand earlier or at least told you how you were making her feel. Perhaps it's just me, but I can't be bothered with people who get slighted easy and have no interest in getting a full picture of what's going on. You should want to understand and help your friends, not ignore them when they start acting crazy, especially when they know you have medical issues.

She does know both about my AS, and that I tend to get depressed from time to time. This was just the first time it hit her that hard.

Like I also wrote she's the type of person who flees, rather than fights. We've discussed it several times, when she got mad at less things, and tried to talk about how she should talk to me instead of just giving me the cold shoulder, but it hasn't really helped.