Greetings! Those of you who frequent the Shaman forums may remember my last conspiracy thread, "The Conspiracy that will SHOCK YOU!":
If you haven't, go read it. Now. It's important.
And those of you who frequent THIS forums (the Cataclysm General Discussions) have probably seen:
More importantly, the revelation found here:
If you haven't. Well, it wasn't written by me, so feel free to ignore the text and focus on the pictures.
I'll wait while you look at the above links.
Now, what does this mean? Deathwing is CLEARLY Jay Leno, that much is clear. But what does it mean in the grander scheme of things?
I think we're safe to jump to conclusions.
MY THEORY: The Twilight Hammer Cult in-game symbolizes Vivendi. My proof? Glad you asked.
'Twilight's Hammer' is an anagram for "Siw tarme Hmgt Hil". Now, in English, it looks like gibberish. Luckily for you, I'm fluent in gibberish. Roughly translated, it says "The almighty Cult of Jay Leno". Roughly.
Blizzard is sick of the Jay Leno agenda, and they've been dropping hints like this for years. They're training us to kill Jay Leno.
The Shaman Arena gear?
"Shamans dress like the Jay Leno armadillo. We'll make Shamans easy to kill to get players used to the idea of killing Jay Leno."
The fact that Caverns of Time keeps turning us into humans with bad puns, corny jokes, and facial deformaties?
"Bad jokes should not be given an audience, especially when the person telling them is hideous. By repeatedly forcing you to be humans with bad jokes, you will gain a subliminal hatred for ugly comedians who aren't funny."
And now, Deathchin? Clearly we're reaching the final showdown.
"THIS IS LENO INCARNATE! DESTROY HIM FOR EPIC LOOT AND ETERNAL FREEDOM!"
If you truly love and support Blizzard, you will heed the call. You will rise to fight Leno once we've got Deathchin on farm.
I've assaulted comedians before (three restraining orders to prove it), but none as powerful as Jay Leno. Using what I know about Leno and the latest Blizzard patch notes, I've drawn up a rough draft of how I believe it will be done:
Phase 1: deal with adds without enraging Leno. Dispose of the security guards, the disgruntled fan (singular), the 17 lawyers there to defend his bad jokes from impending lawsuits. The upgrades to the guild bank and the ability to remotely access it lead me to believe that tanking lawyers will involve a substantial amount of gold. The singular fan must not be underestimated. He's loved Leno for years, so we can assume that he will be immune to reason, and will not feel pity or remorse or fear, and cannot be stopped unless killed. As for the security guards, they work for NBC. If we promise to relocate them to a better channel, they will join our cause. Lifetime is hiring, but we'll have to craft them each a [Battered Woman's Costume] before Lifetime will agree to see them.
Phase 2: Leno must be kited by an overweight male driving a classic car. DPS must be slow as to not distract him, or the Chin Swipe will wipe the raid. We'll have to have many ranged constantly injecting him with Ritalin to tranquilize his ADHD, or he'll enrage. Note that this will stop the incremental hard-enrages, but probably won't be strong enough to stop the soft enrage, 'The story you're too young to understand'. That enrage will have to be tanked by someone old and humorlessemotionless. See if we can get Keanu Reeves to cameo as an offtank.
Phase 3: weaken him with fire. That's why Blizzard is planning on buffing the Fire tree for Mages, the recent Shaman Flame Shock patch notes have come to be, and Destruction for Warlocks is in the best shape it has ever been in, and is subsequently ignoring the Shadow spells.
Phase 4: he will find a microphone. At this point we have to pretend to laugh at his jokes, while continuing the assault. If the laughter dies off, the awkward silence will attract David Letterman. If David Letterman joins in, he must have a volley of Field Goals launched through the gap in his teeth to strangulate him, or he'll hit you with a top ten list of why you need to kill yourself. Six of them won't be funny, three will use words or situations you don't understand, but #1 will hit too close to home and wipe the raid IRL.
I don't have much time. I hear a knocking on my door. Please, spread the word! Let it be known that Blizzard is in trouble, and it's Jay Leno's faHAHA DISREGARD THAT. COME WATCH JAY LENO'S NEW SHOW AT 10 PM