Originally Posted by
Crawford
Rhonin woke up, had a bowl of Fruity Pebbles, half a grapefruit, two strips of bacon and a Red Bull. Then he went out to kick some ass, his hair glistening in the morning sun.
Meanwhile, the government of Stormwind and the Defias masons disagreed over payment. Led by Van Cleef and manipulated by Onyxia, the Defias kidnapped Varian. His wussy fox tail was no match for the might Dragon led pirates.
Rhonin went to Westfall, killed Van Cleef in the Deadmines, and then stopped by Gnomeregan to set Thermaplugg on fire and save the Gnomes. They gave him some new hair gel - making his hair even more luxuriously strong and stable than before.
Then he went to Theramore, pushed Varian out of the way, just as Onyxia was about to deep-breath him, and pwned her face off. Krasus tanked the whelps.
To celebrate, Rhonin and Jaina Proudmoore totally hooked up. 8 times.
Then Rhonin went down to Blackrock Depths, killed Emperor Dagram Thaurissan, and fathered the heir to the throne of Ironforge with the extremely grateful Moira Bronzebeard. But he wasn't done yet; the Dark Iron Dwarves were doing the bidding of Ragnaros the Firelord, so Rhonin went down to Molten Core and beat the crap out of everybody. The fires of the hellish mountain no match for the brilliant sheen of his hair.
"TOO SOON," bellowed Ragnaros.
But Rhonin was all: "It's never too soon to party, Rhonin-style."
And then he beat Ragnaros to death with his own hammer, because Rhonin is the only Mage who ever had the mad skillz to train two-handed maces. He used the embers from his smoldering corpse to make his hair 1.3% more gloriously scarlet.
On the way out of Blackrock Mountain, Rhonin went to the spire and pwned Nefarian. He saved Vaelestrasz the Red, and the two did a celebratory chest-bump. And made out a little. Luckily, Rhonin had went back in time and made Vaelestrasz a female. An amazingly beautiful, bountiful breasted, female High elf.
Rhonin took a vacation to Zul'Gurub and strangled Hakkar the God of Blood with his bare hands; strangely, the blood of the Blood God made an excellent hair-hold. Now the trolls there worship Rhonin.
About this time, something started to stir behind the gate of shifting sands in Silithus, so Rhonin rolled into the Temple of Ahn'Qiraj, riding on a giant bug for some reason, and started pwning everything.
And C'thun was all: "I'm gonna eat you."
But Rhonin was like: "Nuh-uh."
And then all the raptors and devilsaurs in Un'Goro came and ate C'thun's face off, because they're friends with Rhonin and could sense the impending evil and such growing withing the fallen city.
Then the dark portal opened, and Rhonin was the only one who went through. He went to Shattrath and met A'dal, a being of pure light and infinite power. Rhonin and A'dal totally hooked up. Rhonin, of course, knew that Naaru turned into smoking Elven women when they climaxed. Which A'dal did. 12 times. In 10 minutes. Then Rhonin came back to Azeroth and went to Karazhan where he climbed to the top and met Prince Malchezzar of the Eredar.
And Malchezzar goes: "You face not Malchezzar alone, but the legions I command."
But Rhonin was all: "That's cool, Bro. I'll kick ur azz in front of all ur doods."
And he did, his hair shining triumphantly - even in the void of the nether.
Rhonin went back to Zangarmarsh, where the Naga were doing something in a lake. But they stopped when Lady Vashjj saw how hot Rhonin was looking in his purple Kirin Tor robe, with his flowing hair like crimson fire, only twice as glorious. So the two of them totally got it on.
Then Rhonin invented flying weapons and beat up Kael'Thas with them.
But Kael'Thas was like: "Ha! This was only a setback."
And Rhonin was all: "Why don't you setback that narrow ass over here, and get freaky on my junk?"
And then Rhonin and Kael'Thas totally hooked up. Some people have said that Kael'Thas is actually a d00d. But they don't let Rhonin hear them say that. Besides, Rhonin's mighty thrust make an entrace. No matter what.
Anyway, around that time, Illidan showed up, and Maiev was all like: "It is my charge to stop him."
But Rhonin goes: "Chill, Baby, I taught this guy everything he knows."
"The student has become the master," said Illidan. "You are not prepared."
"Yes I am," Rhonin said. And he punched his fist straight through Illidan's chest.
"I taught you everything you know, but I didn't teach you everything I know," Rhonin said, putting on a pair of totally awesome sunglasses.
Illidan watched helplessly as Rhonin ate his still-beating heart like an apple. He then gave some gay-ass speech about how the huntress was nothing without the hunt. "Wrong again," said Rhonin, taking off his pants, "she's my mount until the reset."
Then Rhonin and Maiev hooked up.
On the way to Northrend, Rhonin shoved KilJaeden back into the Sunwell, and was named King of the Blood Elves. He made sweet, sweet love to them all. Twice.
When Rhonin got to Borean Tundra, Malygos was there, and he said "I am very angry because you're way better than me at magic. So I brought all my blue dragons to beat you up."
"Oh yeah?" Rhonin said. "Well, I am going to bring all my bros from the city of Dalaran, because the Kirin Tor totally has my back." And the whole city came because everybody loves Rhonin. And Rhonin made it fly, because that is how Rhonin rolls.
But he beat up Malygos all by himself anyway, as the Mages were busy fapping to his hair as it blew gloriously, despite the lack of wind in space.
Then he had an arm wrestling contest with Kel-Thuzad, and won. Kel proved no match for his third arm, either. Or his penis.
After that, Rhonin was kind of bored, so he went to Ulduar and hooked up with Auriaya and Freya at the same time. He also got the world-first Yogg+0 achievement. At the same time.
And Algalon said: "I was going to destroy the entire world, but now I won't because you are so awesome, Rhonin."
And the two did a chest bump. He then showed him how awesome it could be to have a little disorganization in your life. With his penis.
Then Rhonin decided it would be fun to build a coliseum. He let Tirion Fordring help him with it, but Tirion did a crappy job and the floor collapsed, so Rhonin fired Tirion. He took the Ashbringer, because Rhonin is the only mage with the mad skillz to train 2h swords, and he marched on to Icecrown Citadel. The soldiers rallied among his amazing hair as it made his sword shimmer.
And the Lich King was all: "Mwa ha ha. You'll never get in here. We have limited attempts."
But Rhonin was like: "It's cool, I've got six identical alts."
And then Rhonin and his six identical alts did a group thing with Blood Queen Lana'Thel. But mostly, the blood queen just watched.
After that, Rhonin climbed to the top of the spire. With his penis.
And the Lich King was all: "Ha! This was my plan all along."
And he swung the mighty Frostmourne at Rhonin, but the sword smashed against Rhonin's face.
And Rhonin said: "Did that plan involve me kickin' ur azz, Bro?"
And then Rhonin punched the Lich King in the balls so hard that the Lich King's helmet popped off.
"WTF?" said the Lich King, and then he died. Luckily, the last thing he saw was Rhonin's amazing abs as his robe pressed against his stalwart muscles.
"It is done," said Tirion.
"I know it's done," Rhonin said. "I'm the d00d that did it."
"But without a lich king to chain it, the scourge will rampage across Azeroth, destroying all life," Tirion said, picking up the helmet. "I am the only one who can bear this solemn burden."
"Because you did such a good job with the coliseum?" Rhonin asked. "I thought I fired your ass. Why are you even here?"
"Stop," said a loud booming voice. And Rhonin turned around to see it was Bolvar Fordragon, but he was all burned up and shit. Like those High Elves as soon as he got done with them. He took the helm from Tirion. "I can take no comfort anymore, in the world of the living, for Arthas has burned my genitals off. I shall bear the burden. I shall be the jailer of the damned."
But Rhonin took the helmet from Bolvar, and crushed it in one hand. "You guys are totally emo," he said, using the shards to make more sunglasses.
"There must always be a lich king," Tirion explained. "The scourge must be controlled."
"There is no more scourge," Rhonin said. "I killed them all."
Tirion's jaw dropped open. "How can that be possible?"
And Rhonin did his special /flex emote. "Don't you know by now? I'm Rhonin, bitches!"
And Bolvar was all: "Ur so awesome."
But Rhonin was just, like: "Maybe you should go to a hospital or something."
Anyway, now there's a big statue of Rhonin in the Dalaran fountain. Rhonin sometimes makes out with it when he's not saving babies so they can grow up and please him.
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