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  1. #1

    The true story behind the Feature Cuts

    This was in the Cataclysm discussion forums on the WoW forums... this isn't mine.
    ---------------
    clop clop clop clop

    Peasant: MAKE WAY FOR THE KING

    crowd murmurs

    Enter a crab riding a pony.

    "Highlord Ghostcrawler!"
    "Thank the Light"
    "For the Order of Claw!"
    "For the Crustacean!"

    Ghostcrawler: SILENCE, MORTALS!

    Their threads have been locked until further notice.

    GC: Role Call. Orc?
    Here!
    Tree?
    Here!
    Candle?
    Present!
    Skull?
    Yo!
    Cultist?
    Heya!
    Fel Reaver?
    BBBRERRRYOOOOOOOUNNNNG
    Whelp?
    Crickets
    WHELP?
    CRICKETS
    Bornakk: Sir...
    Ghostcrawler: WHERE IS THE WHELP?
    Bornakk: He's been... handled, sir...
    Ghostcrawler: DAMN THE HEDGEHOG... Onyxia's going to deep breath more for this...
    The blues break eye contact for some time while Ghostcralwer recollects his thoughts...

    Ghostcrawler: Well then, where do we stand on the Cataclysm?
    Bornakk: Not good, sir. After the initial leak, it turns out people were actually jumping for joy at all we had put into it. This couldn't have been good. We had to unveil class talents just to refill the tear quarry.
    Ghostcrawler: And where do we stand on tears now?
    Bornakk: It seems that between the Female Trade Prince thread and the Random Dungeon Finder, we still aren't meeting our quota on tears.
    Ghostcrawler: ...Damn... Candle?
    Nethaera: SIR!
    Ghostcrawler: Any ideas?
    Nethaera: We've tried our best... We told them about Twin Peaks, and the Guild Contest, but they're finding a silver lining in EVERYTHING!
    Ghostcrawler: BLASPHEMY! We're just going to have to break out the big guns. Fel Reaver, BRING IN THE STRINGS OF CATACLYSM FEATURES.
    Crygil: BRRRYYYYEYEEEEENG. hissssss
    Ghostcrawler spends a few moments looking at each string, before wrapping a fatal claw around two of them.
    Nethaera: But... but sir! I was sort of looking forward to those!
    Bornakk: Don't do anything rash! You remember the cow level...
    Ghostcrawler: ENOUGH TALK! LET IT BE FINISHED.......
    Blues: NOOOOOO~~~~~~~............................................
    snip
    ...
    The floating skull turns dim and drops to the floor.
    Bornakk: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?
    Ghostcrawler: THE GUILD TALENTS AND THE PATH OF THE TITANS ARE NO MORE!
    silence falls upon the Halls of Blizzard

    Ghostcrawler: Now that the deed is done, bring in Garrosh.
    Bornakk: Sir...
    Ghostcrawler: GARROSH!!
    Garrosh: Yes, my liege?
    Ghostcrawler: We're making it official, you are now the WARCHIEF OF ORGRIMMAR!
    The candle flame burns out, and the candle falls to where the skull is. Bornakk comforts them both.
    Bornakk: You monster... Cutting out important features with those damned... CLAWS of yours... making our best blues faint with your tyranny... denying everyone your precious pony-
    Ghostcrawler: YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR, BORNAKK. SAY WHAT YOU WISH ABOUT MY DEVELOPMENT, BUT BRING UP THE PONY, AND YOU'RE ASKING FOR DEATH! GARROSH!?
    Garrosh: YES, MY LIEGE!?
    Ghostcrawler: YOU SHALL LEAD FROM THE MIDDLE OF ORGRIMMAR, THAT WAY EVERYONE HAS TO DEFEND YOU!
    Bornakk: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    Ghostcrawler: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Now, Fel Reaver, get me a coffee.
    Crygil walks over to the Employee Starbucks.

    Bornakk: Not enough tears in the world can make up for what you've done here today...
    Ghostcrawler: Don't you see, Bornakk? If we made this game fun for EVERYONE, we would have too much money, and not enough tears. We must maintain the balance. There must always be a Lich King...
    Bornakk: So that's why you've done this. I... I think I understand.
    Crygil returns with the coffee.
    Ghostcrawler: Drink from my coffee cup, fellow blue, and together, we will rule the World of Warcraft.
    Bornakk lifts the cup up to his mouth...
    ...when the Scythe of Elune comes crashing through it.
    ???: I can't you let you brew that, Starbucks!
    Ghostcrawler: It can't be...
    ???: It is I, GENN GREYMANE!
    Ghostcrawler: No... NOOOOOOOOO
    The crab leaps off of the Pony and flies toward the King.
    Genn: Can't you see? This is not the way to go about things!
    Genn's hand turns into the paw of a Worgen, and clashes with the pincer of the King Crab.
    Genn: This claw of mine glows with an awesome power! It's furry grip tells me to cleanse you! Take this! My fur, my fury, and all of my howling! DEUS EX MACHINA!
    The worgen Greymane rips through the Malicious Crab, splitting it into two separate entities. A crab, and a blood elf.
    Bornakk: It.... can't be!
    Kael'thas: Make no mistake, Greymane! Today's battle is merely a setback! I'll take my Tear Quarries, and defeat the likes of you in Cataclysm. There's no stopping me, I've already written myself into the coding. Farewell, CMS!
    Kael'thas vanishes in a cloud of smoke.
    Bornakk: Ghostcrawler... GHOSTCRAWLER!
    Ghostcrawler: Where... where am I?
    He looks over to the strings of the Cataclysm features.
    Ghostcrawler: What... what have I done?
    Genn: Kael'thas possessed you. He used your power to make a quarry of tears, which he used as an alternate source of energy now that the sunwell is gone. You've done terrible things. But all is forgivable. There is always a silver lining.
    Genn fades away.
    Ghostcrawler: Bornakk.... is this true?
    Bornakk: I'm afraid so. But we can fix this. Together. Come, let us go to the Cataclysm forums and ease everyone's pain. The changes are irreversible, but we can still work to make Cataclysm the best expansion we can.
    Ghostcrawler and Bornakk smile, and walk into the sunset, arms/claws around eachother's backs.

    And that is the real reason the features were cut.
    ----------------------------
    Original Thread: http://forums.worldofwarcraft.com/th...99951507&sid=1

  2. #2
    Herald of the Titans Vorack's Avatar
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    This is the greatest thing I have ever read in my life. Hats off to the OP, and hats off to you for sharing this.

    THE TYRANNY OF KAEL'THAS MUST BE BROUGHT TO AN END.

  3. #3
    I lol'd.
    This is great.

  4. #4
    Epic, truly epic. Internets for everybody!
    Once you go troll, you never reroll. -heard on cynicalbrit.com. Epic.

  5. #5
    I laughed all over the place. Sometimes twice. ^_^

  6. #6
    Legendary! Sorrior's Avatar
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    Yeah i know thisn post is epic i saw the original on the cata forums. Personally i think this thing should be preserved for all time.

  7. #7
    Herald of the Titans Syridian's Avatar
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    Well played. Well played indeed.

  8. #8

  9. #9
    Indeed a good post, thanks for sharing, i was going to give you a cookie, but you can the jar for posting this (and share them with the OP)

  10. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by MrPistachio View Post
    Genn: This claw of mine glows with an awesome power! It's furry grip tells me to cleanse you! Take this! My fur, my fury, and all of my howling! DEUS EX MACHINA!
    New sig do.o

  11. #11
    Quote Originally Posted by MrPistachio View Post
    Bornakk lifts the cup up to his mouth...
    ...when the Scythe of Elune comes crashing through it.
    ???: I can't you let you brew that, Starbucks!
    Oh gawd, I lol'd so hard
    Last edited by Thyce; 2010-06-18 at 04:50 AM.

    Quote Originally Posted by MrPistachio View Post
    Bornakk lifts the cup of coffee up to his mouth...
    ...when the Scythe of Elune comes crashing through it.
    ???: I can't you let you brew that, Starbucks!

  12. #12
    The Hedgehog Elementium's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MrPistachio View Post
    This was in the Cataclysm discussion forums on the WoW forums... this isn't mine.
    ---------------

    Genn: This claw of mine glows with an awesome power! It's furry grip tells me to cleanse you! Take this! My fur, my fury, and all of my howling! DEUS EX MACHINA!

    ----------------------------
    Original Thread: http://forums.worldofwarcraft.com/th...99951507&sid=1
    I love you. Like.. Really. See cause I've been trying to think of epic ways to bring the most epic G-Gundam line into my moderating and well.. My night is made.

    I award you 69 Internets. (I went there).

  13. #13
    Quote Originally Posted by MrPistachio View Post
    Kael'thas: Make no mistake, Greymane! Today's battle is merely a setback! I'll take my Tear Quarries, and defeat the likes of you in Cataclysm. There's no stopping me, I've already written myself into the coding. Farewell, CMS!
    Hold on, hold on here for a bit. Kael'Thas is Agent Smith? This is fantastic!

  14. #14
    One word ... EPIC

  15. #15
    I only wish that was how it happened. Great story though.

  16. #16
    It was funny. Not the best thing ever, But certainly lol'd at times, especially about the whelps

  17. #17
    Brewmaster RBFxJMH's Avatar
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    This is wonderful

  18. #18
    That was made of pure win! I lold at the G Gundam refrence!

    ALL GLORY TO Cthulhu Ftagn, HIS WILL BE DONE!

  19. #19
    Field Marshal Daranus's Avatar
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    lmao, this explains sooooo much. damit Ghostcrawler


    "Worlds first is overrated anyway. Only proves that you have no life."

  20. #20
    The Insane GennGreymane's Avatar
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    no genn greymane dual weilds bruce lee reference

    eh what ever im glad my thread all those months ago is still fresh in ppls minds

    ༼ つ ◕_◕ ༽つ Praise REGGIE! MY BODY IS READY༼ つ ◕_◕ ༽つ

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