Of Ice and Steel~ my fan-fic

[Kalyyn]

For those of you who read this the first time I posted it, I've started from scratch as I wasn't happy with the original version. Here's the new chapter 1, which is a prelude the the original chapter 1 (now chapter 2) which will be added when I'm done retyping it. As always, critique is appreciated as it makes me a better writer, and I will be adding more chapters as I finish them. Enjoy.
Of Ice and Steel

Chapter One

The breeze in Terrokar Forest shook the leaves from the trees, covering the sound of footsteps in the brush. The whistling of the wind against the branches spoke of death and despair. Across this shadowy footpath travelled two Draenei vindicators, adorned with mountains of armor and armed to the teeth. The Draenei in rear carried a mighty crystalline hammer, forged in the light of the Naaru. The other carried a most ominous sword, one of titanic proportions that glowed sanguine red. They were far from their home of Shattrath, now nearly three hours march behind them. They proceeded with purpose, careful to see all but be seen by none. Their quest in this desolate wild was simple; hunt orcs. Orcs, who had all too recently waged genocide against the Draenei. Mindless brutes, who, at the order of their tyrannical master Blackhand, ended five hundred years of peace and slaughtered thousands of innocents in a matter of days.

The lead Draenei stopped in his tracks. “Tuuren, did you hear that?”
Tuuren stood silently for a moment and listened. He heard nothing, but Tiimaru rarely imagined things.

“We should fall back to the road,” suggested Tuuren.

“Too late, we’re surrounded,” whispered Tiimaru. Tuuren faced away from Tiimaru and removed the hammer from his back. It was then that he heard a stick breaking. He spun to the origin of the sound, immediately followed by one much greater.

“Gol’Kosh!” came a harsh warcry. A monstrous being, an orc, came charging from the brush. He ran straight for Tuuren, blade in hand, but was caught across the head by the vindicator’s hammer. The orc hit the ground dead, but was followed by another which blind-sided Tuuren and took him to the ground. The orc, now sitting atop Tuuren, drew his cleaver for a finishing blow, only to be pulled off by Tiimaru. Tiimaru’s fist met the orc’s jaw, throwing him from Tuuren. The Draenei returned to his feet, and the two stood back to back in preparation for defense. They were now encircled by four orc soldiers, accompanied by one of Gul’Dan’s warlocks. The orcs charged, and were met with the vindicators’ fury. Tiimaru and Tuuren felled orc after orc, all the while deftly avoiding the demonic fires of the warlock. When the last warrior lie dead, Tiimaru turned his attention to the warlock. In a mad rush he tackled the demonic sorcerer.
Tiimaru now had the warlock pinned to the ground beneath his hoof, preparing his blade to run the foul being through.

“Tell me, orc, do you know why this blade glows so?” The orc did not understand, but stared at him with steely resolve. “It is from being bathed in the blood of your kind, and the fel energies you contain. I have been told it is unfit for a vindicator to carry such a tainted blade, but I keep it as a reminder of my family.” Tiimaru moved his hoof to the orc’s throat. “A family that your people took from me.“

“Tiimaru,” interjected Tuuren, “end this creature’s miserable life already. It is wrong to draw out his suffering.”
Tiimaru’s gaze shifted from the warlock to Tuuren, and his cruelty turned to anger.

“Don’t you dare judge me!” he shouted. “You don’t understand what it’s like to see these monsters murder your family! You’ve never heard their screams, never had to know you weren’t strong enough to save them.” Tears were forming in Tiimaru’s eyes. “You’re wife and child will be there when you return home. But I have nothing. Nothing, except for my blade.” His attention once again returned to the warlock. “I’m going to make him beg for death.”
Tiimaru began beating the orc savagely. Tuuren strongly disapproved of what was taking place, but he would not stop it. He understood that he would likely never know the pain Tiimaru was forced to live with, and if this somehow helped him find peace in the world, then he deserved that much. Still, Tuuren could not help but feel Tiimaru had lost a bit of his soul, and maybe even his mind.

Tiimaru was cackling like a madman. “Had enough orc?” he inquired through
joyous laughter. The near-dead orc struggled to draw breath.

“Loktar’Ogar!” he managed to shout between gasps of air.

“Haha! Do you hear this, Tuuren? There’s fire in him yet. Orc, there’s nothing left for you in this world.” Tiimaru took his sword in hand and raised it for a final blow. “Kigon’nash hungers!” Tuuren turned away as Tiimaru decapitated the wretched orc. It was then that he saw a dark figure run off into the forest.

“Tiimaru, we’ve got company.”

“We’ll lets go greet him properly then, shall we?” exclaimed Tiimaru, having finished disemboweling his prey. The two took chase, trailing just behind the now desperate orc. They ran for some time before seeing an enormous netherdrake in a clearing ahead. The orc sprinted for the dragon and skillfully mounted it. The drake beat its wings in preparation for take-off. Tuuren stopped dead at the clearing, but Tiimaru charged forward.

“Tiimaru, wait!” shouted Tuuren. But it was too late. Just as the drake took off, Tiimaru took hold of one of its legs. It pulled him along, rising higher and higher until it cleared the treetops. Tiimaru was working his way onto the beast’s back, much to the dismay of its pilot. The netherdrake thrashed about, but to no avail. Tiimaru was firmly in place and now working his way towards the orc. The orc drew a sword and stood to face Tiimaru. The beast steadied its hovering at the wish of its master, allowing both Tiimaru and the orc to balance atop its back. Tiimaru rushed the orc, but his initial strike was parried. The orc then thrust at Tiimaru, who dodged away from the blade. After a brief measure of swordplay, Tiimaru saw an opportunity to strike a kill. He dodged yet one more thrust, then brought his sword around in a mighty swing. The blow landed, but not before the orc was able to inflict a wound of his own.

The orc fell lifelessly from the drake. Tiimaru looked down at his own wound, bleeding
profusely. At seeing its master’s doom, the drake began bucking violently, throwing Tiimaru from its back. Even as he fell he clutched Kigon’nash to his body. He landed in the clearing on his back, his body crushed. Tuuren ran to him.

"Brother!” he shouted, lkneeling over his fallen comrade.

“Heheh…” he chuckled between spurts of blood. “Got one more…”

“By the light, don’t die old friend!” pleaded Tuuren in desperation.

“Everything I did was for her, Tuuren. Do you think she can forgive me for the things I’ve done?”
Tuuren could not hold back his tears as he held his dying comrade. “It was out of love and loss, brother. I know she will be waiting for you.”

“Tuuren, you must not let the legacy die. Take Kigon’nash, and let the orcs know it is still to be feared.” Tiimaru pushed the blade against Tuuren’s chest, and Tuuren took it from him. He held it and thought on it for a moment.

“No, friend, I cannot wield this blade, for I would wield it with hatred. It must be given to one who is still pure in soul, an innocent. I shall pass it to my daughter, and she will know that she carries the legacy of a hero.”

Tiimaru said nothing, but instead smiled with a serenity that Tuuren had not seen from him in many months. He closed his eyes, and rested his head for his final slumber. As he released his last breath, Tuuren began to weep openly. He allowed Tiimaru’s blood to pool in his hand, and washed it over Kigon’nash. The blade that had drank the blood of a thousand orcs would finally know its master’s taste, and perhaps that would preserve his memory within its steel.

[trulte]

i liked the story very much a good read

but as im maybe not the best to point out what to do to be a better writer (im not so good myself) i like to point out that Doomhammer were not warchief under the draenei genocide it was Warchief Blackhand father to Rend and Maim, Doomhammer did not become warchief before the second war when he killed Blackhand

[Velena Theron]

Very nice indeed

[Kalyyn]

i liked the story very much a good read

but as im maybe not the best to point out what to do to be a better writer (im not so good myself) i like to point out that Doomhammer were not warchief under the draenei genocide it was Warchief Blackhand father to Rend and Maim, Doomhammer did not become warchief before the second war when he killed Blackhand

oh crap my bad. TYVM for pointing that out! the next update will have that fixed

[Sy]

so, i've finally read it too

and you wanted critique, so you shall have it:
first, i think your timeline is a bit off. if i've read it correctly, the story takes place about 900 years after the war against the orcs. but i think that acutally happened not even 100 years ago.
second, all this "light beam lazor" is a bit to much like arkane or fel magic may work, but not the light also, vindicators (in contrast to blood knights) are taught to let the light use them and help them, not to wield it like a weapon under their will. therefor, it could not consume them. it's not hostile. it doesn't drain their powers - it grants them. although i can see how it fits the story, even if it may not be entirely correct lorewise
third, even if Kyeri may be a bit of a childish and nosy girl, her constant change of emotion is a bit to much to really let the reader feel with her, imo.

but of course, don't take that to negative^^ the story is great so far (i really like the ending scene, even if it's very short) and i'm not really confident about my knowledge of warcraft lore and my writing skills either^^
anyway, i'm looking forward to reading the next chapters don't make us wait to long xD

[Garots]

Very nice read, perhaps color and space each time someone speaks, to better the read

[Kalyyn]

Sy, I'd like to say that critique came just in time, as I am about to re-write chapter 1 (didn't feel fluid enough). I didn't realize that about Vindicators, possibly because I learned about paladins by playing a blood knight, so I'll look into fixing that along with everything else.
And in response to Garots, I'm forumtarded and would appreciate it very much if you'd show me the commands for color/bold/italics

just thought of something. Was the war with the orcs really short? I was under the impression that it was over several centuries and I was writing with the assumption that Tiimaru died near the beggining

[Velena Theron]

I'd suggest you take a look at This if you wanna know the BB codes

[Garots]

Yes, it really clears up any and all questions on BBC work

[Sy]

Sy, I'd like to say that critique came just in time, as I am about to re-write chapter 1 (didn't feel fluid enough). I didn't realize that about Vindicators, possibly because I learned about paladins by playing a blood knight, so I'll look into fixing that along with everything else.

glad it helps
but like i said, i think it actually fits the story. although it should probably be more like "the power could hurt and exhaust her, if she doesn't stop" and not "she can't stop and it might consume (kill) her".

just thought of something. Was the war with the orcs really short? I was under the impression that it was over several centuries and I was writing with the assumption that Tiimaru died near the beggining

i only read rise of the horde once, and it was a while ago. but i think the actual war only took about a year. and in the following ~4 years, the draenei had to hide and lived in fear for orcish soldiers that would find their refugee camps.
then the orcs started to concentrate their forces on building the dark portal and slowly forgot about the surviving draenei.

[Garots]

Sy, you really need to roleplay with us, you have ALL the info at your disposal right now.

[Aramore]

Garots, you have another new sig? XD

What was wrong with the last one? XD

[Garots]

Nothing, but I am so OCD that I need to change things every few whatever. I'll go back though, but this is here for a short bit.

[Sy]

Sy, you really need to roleplay with us, you have ALL the info at your disposal right now.

hmm, do you know this "rp is like sex. you only get good by doing it a lot - preferable with someone who's good at it."-thing?
well, let's say i'm not a virgin, but i haven't done it that often.



come to think of it, it's kinda creepy how well that fits...

[Garots]

hmm, do you know this "rp is like sex. you only get good by doing it a lot - preferable with someone who's good at it."-thing?
well, let's say i'm not a virgin, but i haven't done it that often.



come to think of it, it's kinda creepy how well that fits...

Weirdly, you are very right.

[Sy]

i saw it as a signature a while ago and also found it very fitting^^

[Sy]

on the new chapter 1:
well done again^^
but i have to tell you that, if i'm not mistaken, netherdrakes didn't exist at that time. the first of them were born after the opening of the dark portal. also, drakes (netherdrakes too) are intelligent creatures, like humans and draenei. they are no "beasts" and no drake ever carried an orc without beeing forced (well, not until the new horde at least).
i don't really know what could be used as a flying mount for that orc though.. maybe one of the huge birds that fly around outside of the auchindon?

[Syrra Coventry]

...possibly the whelps of the drakes in Blade's Edge Mountain's, as well. Possibly raised by the Wyrmcult...?

[Sy]

...possibly the whelps of the drakes in Blade's Edge Mountain's, as well. Possibly raised by the Wyrmcult...?

how do you think the whelps got there? and when do you think the wyrmcult was founded? :P

[Garots]

Oh, my advice was followed! ^^ :3