Backstory Feedback

[Searsha]

((Here is the first draft of a story I worked up for a future character of mine. I would like some feedback (constructive criticism is welcome) before I make any changes. You should note that part of this story takes place 18 years after the Scourge invaded Lordaeron. If my timeline is somewhat correct, this should be just before the Cataclysm, aka in "the future". EDIT: Tried to make each section less of "a wall of text"))


The inn was dark, dingy, and smelled strongly of alcohol. Assistant General Kevon Melvana sat at a table finishing the last of a ham and brie sandwich, washed down with a decent amount of ale. He grumbled to himself, he had been stuck with the nightshift for guarding Lordaeron’s walls and his mind was filled with many other, more enjoyable ways he would rather being spending his night.

As he was placing seven silver on the wooden table for his waitress he heard the familiar clanging of Lordaeron’s alarm bell. Assuming the alarm was yet another prank or false alarm, he left the inn enraged. But, as soon as he set foot outside he knew something was amiss. He saw his fellow men in arms racing towards the courtyard, and in an adrenaline rush, grabbed his weapon and followed the other soldiers. Upon reaching the courtyard he saw his wife, Alana, running back into town. He was filled with both fear of what was coming and relief that his wife and future child were safe. As he approached the gates, a course voice yelled out “The Scourge are upon us! Defend the gate at all costs!” Kevon froze at what he saw next. Hundreds of the Scourge were approaching the gate, being lead by Kel’Thuzad, the dreaded Necromancer. Kevon knew that the same Scourge had ravaged his family and friends at Andoral, in a unconscious decision he knew what he was going to do.

Everything slowed down, everything was silent and surreal. He held up his weapon and charged alongside his men into battle, swearing to protect what was dearest to him. Taking his axe, in a flury, he slashed through the minions of Kel’Thuzad, aiming for his forces to take out their calculating leader. The claws and spells of the Scourge flew at him, but he seemingly dodged them all. Approaching the heart of the mob, he flung himself and his weapon towards Kel’Thuzad, with a deep laugh Kel’Thuzad deflected him backwards, he landed with a crunch on the ground, disarmed. Kel’Thuzad looked at Kevon with a mocking expression, almost teasing him for his weakness and failure. “Kill me coward!” Kevon yelled with fury. A dark presence entered his mind emanating a message in a cold cryptic voice “Don’t worry mortal, -I- am not going to hurt you at all.” Kevon, realizing Kel’Thuzad’s intentions, quickly looked up only to see two malicious yellow eyes starring back at him, an abomination had its axed raised, ready to kill. Closing his eyes in a desperate prayer, he saw blackness, eternal blackness.

---

An eerie breeze swept through the courtyard of Lordaeron. Alana shuddered and watched as the sun sank slowly into the depths of The Great Sea, casting a gloomy haze upon the city. She turned back to the baker, juggling the bread she had purchased with the other groceries she carried. As she was walking back towards the city, a high screech sounded in the distance. Paranoid, she started to move more quickly now, rushing to get back to safety. Alana stopped in her tracks as the ringing of the large brass alarm bell echoed throughout the courtyard. Stunned, soldiers flooded past her quickly towards the gates of the city. Alana dropped her things and ran, her only hope to reach Kevon.

Soon her pace became rugged and slow, panting heavily she leaned herself against the deathly cold stone of city’s wall. Her heart froze, “not now” she thought. Her eyes, full of terror, began to water. She cradled her stomach trying to cease what she knew was coming. It was too late, she gritted her teeth as a contraction began. She sank hopelessly to the ground, she knew the Scourge had taken Andorhal and Straholme and had been advancing closer to Lordaeron under the command of her people’s corrupted prince. Her heart pounded in her ears, sweat ran from her forehead down into her eyes. Her chest swelled greatly between contractions, her only way to cope with the pain. Time was short and Alana was close to passing out, using the last ounce of strength she had, she collapsed. As Alana’s mind faded to darkness she heard the last sound she ever would, the desperate and lonesome cry of her firstborn child.

---

People were screaming and running in a panic, Shellene had no idea what was happening and in the chaos found herself lost. She caught clips of sentences as people frantically ran by: “scourge” “attack” “evacuate”. Following her instincts she headed for the harbor, but as she was passing through a side streets, something strange caught her eye. A newborn baby lay on the street, next to the motionless figure of a young women. Shellene rushed over to the woman, she was adorned in a dress embroidered eloquently with emeralds. She trembled, knowing the woman was close to death. In this circumstance Shellene knew the women couldn’t be saved. In a whirlwind of thoughts and actions, she grabbed the child and continued her marathon to the docks without looking back.

As she arrived officials quickly assigned her to a vessel. She, as a young woman with a baby, was one on the first boat to set off from Lordaeron into Lordamere Lake. Shellene looked behind her, what she saw was burned into her mind forever. Lordaeron was blazing, she could hear the screams of those who were dying at the hands of the Scourge. Shellene fell into a trance like state, only thinking of what might happen to her family and friends.

Upon her "waking", she found that the boat had arrived near the ruins of Dalaran. From there, they walked against the bone-chilling wind into the night. After what had seemed like an eternity and Shellene felt she couldn’t bare to continue on any more, the lights of Southshore became visible. The people of Southshore ushered them in and immediately set up a fleet to take them to Stormwind.

Shellene found herself rocking to the motion of the sea once again. She held on tightly to the child, only praying it would survive the ordeal. Finally at rest, she starred into the night for hours, unable to sleep. As she started the doubt the direction of the ship, feeling hopelessly lost at sea, a faint light appeared. The sun was rising in the horizon, illuminating the docks of Stormwind in the distant. Shellene cried in relief, there was hope again, she had lived to see another dawn.

---

Seona opened her eyes drudgingly, resisting the call for her waking. She blinked quickly several times, things finally coming into focus. She dressed herself in a white cotton dress, faded slightly from use. On her way down stairs she caught a glimpse of herself, her tangled black hair framed her light brown skin. Her deep blue eyes were too close together and her dark colored lips looked unnatural in the light.

As she entered the kitchen she heard Shellene calling for her from the living room. “Its yer last day here Seona, and I gathered your things together for ya. Breakfast is waiting for ya on the table, and I don’t want to her nothing about you gettin’ into any sorts of trouble. We aren’t going to be held responsible for any of your nonsense missy.” Seona sighed, being called missy at age eighteen felt degrading. Yet she was not upset with Shellene, despite her sharp tongue and her quickness with the switch, she was the only motherly figure Seona had ever known. Seona gobbled down her breakfast of oats quickly, too nervous to take the time to eat at a healthy pace. She cleaned her used dishes in a flurry, proceeding to sprint to the front door. “Will ya STOP it! You are gonna break somthin’ I just know it!” cried Shellene.

Seona said quick goodbyes to the other children that were up, knowing she wouldn’t see them again. Seona embraced Shellene, holding on to the only thing that had been consistent in her life. She had seen kids and other nannies come and go, but she had been here eighteen long years alongside Shellene. Shellene reluctantly returned the hug, hating to break her demeaning facade. Wet tears ran down Seona’s face as their embrace ended. “Do me proud Seona, I know ya will.” Shellene said softly, handing Seona an old wooden chest. Seona picked up the chest with little effort, its contents mostly weightless. With a quick kiss on the check, the front door was opened and Seona was shoved out of the orphanage and into the blinding daylight that was the beginning of the rest of her life.

((To be continued.))

---------- Post added 2010-09-19 at 08:24 PM ----------

No one has any feedback on the backstory? I know it is long, but I really would appreciate the feed back.

[Vadoor]

Seems pretty solid