Greetings. I come to you today to discuss a conspiracy, not unlike my previous conspiracies. Through the years, Blizzard has shown us who is the boss. They've abused and mistreated us. They've misled and manipulated us. Hell, every year they draw us in like cattle for a weekend of mind-altering torment that we actually pay THEM for.
But this time, they've gone too far.
Yes, this is even worse than what those poor shamans had to deal with, first with Jay Leno, and then with their Tier10.
Let's get started...
By now, you're all familiar with this loading screen, and this studly war-muffin of carnage.
This is Garrosh. Garrosh is an Orc Warrior of debatable importance. His strength is questionable, his tactics are argumentative, and his lore leaves much certainty to be desired.
But one indisputable fact remains: he has nipples.
Before you try making it seem like nipples aren't a normal occurrence, meet Skillasaurus.
"WHAT SKILLSAURUS DOING HERE?"
Skillasaurus is also an Orc Warrior of debatable importance. He just hit max level a week ago, speaks like The Hulk on Prozac, and is neither feared nor revered. However, much like Garrosh, he has nipples.
Show them to us, Skillasaurus.
"SKILLSAURUS SHY. SKILLSAURUS SEE CAMERA, AFRAID OF LOSING SOUL. NO CHANCE TO JOIN SOUL TRAIN IF SKILLSAURUS LOSE SOUL."
Show them to us, or I'll throw you into the middle of Warsong Gulch wearing less than 1500 Resilience.
Fantastic. Sorry you had to see that, everyone. I'm not usually so abusive. Now collect your things and get out of here, Skillasaurus. You smell of shame.
"SKILLSAURUS MISS ORKUS. SKILLSAURUS AND ORKUS FRIENDS, ORKUS GAVE BROFIST WHEN SKILLSAURUS SAVED FROM DROWNING IN BOTTOMLESS LAKE."
Are you sure you saved him? Are you sure you didn't flap around in knee-deep water with him for an hour before some Blood Elf saved you both?
"...SKILLSAURUS HAVE NO REGRETS."
Moving on. Now, between the time that Garrosh was photographed for his Load-Screen Debut, and now, something...drastic has changed about Garrosh.
You see it yet?
HOW ABOUT NOW?!
THAT'S RIGHT! THEY'RE GONE! HIS NIPPLES HAVE DISAPPEARED!
I've been investigating this unacceptable atrocity for nearly seven minutes, and in that time, I discovered something else. Something tiny. Something nonsensical. Something so ordinary and so mundane that if I didn't point it out to you RIGHT NOW, you'd never notice...
Garrosh has been mirrored. Like that Kiefer Sutherland movie, only this is horrifying. Left has become right. Right has become left. Gloves have changed hands and axe proficiencies have been redistributed!
Thus, we can conclude that we are no longer dealing with Garrosh. This entity, probably known as hsorraG, appears to be right-handed, nipple-less, and possibly lacking a soul.
How am I so sure that the Garrosh in new Orgrimmar is actually the mirror, and not the mirrored?
You look straight into these glorious pecs and tell me that they lie.
It's like Shakira, only for us gay dudes...so wait, yeah, Shakira.
So, like all great conspiracies with respectively blown-off-roofs, the question remains:
What are we, as mature, responsible, trustworthy people going to do with this information?
Do we panic? Do we revolt? Do we blame Anime for setting a dangerously smooth-chested precedent in males? Do we smash our heads into every nearby reflective surface in effort to enter the mirror-world, find Garrosh, and save him?
Well, my face is too pretty to risk that last one, though I invite any of our local teenagers to attempt it (they'll have time to grow into their hideous, recently-acquired looks). Bonus points for pictures.
Regardless of what we do, or don't do, one thing is certain: an old god is behind it.
Out of curiosity, has anyone checked the status of Varian's nipples lately?