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  1. #1

    my wife & my mom

    Hello;

    The issue I am having is the popular my wife vs. my mother issue. I have been trying to resolve issues between these 2 for what feels like an eternity but for 3 years now. I have met with 4 different family counselors that specialize in family issues and I still feel like I don't know what to do.

    It all started 3 years ago when I made the mistake of moving from my hometown to go live with my girlfriend (now wife) and her parents in a different state. I was not happy there and depressed. I wanted to leave as soon as I could and I had these discussions with my girlfriend about it at the time. She told me to wait till she finished her semester at school and we would figure something out. However, I made the mistake of discussing my problems with my mom (who lives far away) of how miserable I was there and how much I wanted to leave and that I thought my girlfriend seemed controling and manipulative. So my mom... simply said to leave and encouraged me that I needed to get out of that relationship. "Don't be there if you are not happy." So... thats what i did. I left and left a note for my girlfriend.

    Obviously, my girlfriend was crushed, hurt, and confused. My mom also sent her a nasty email about how she was controlling and this/that. Just attacking her with assumptions from what I told my mom. So, now... with me leaving and my mom's email. My girlfriend was furious and angry now (so was her family). She wrote my mom an email back attacking her and saying really mean things back. She calls it "defending" herself and to this day I don't agree with that completely. Which i will explain later.

    Let me first say that I regret every minute of pain I caused my wife at that time during our relationship. I was immature, stupid, and afraid of committment. I owned up to my mistake and I apologized to her and her family over and over. I loved her and I realized I made a huge mistake.

    With that said... Her and I got back together after a few months. It was a struggle, but we worked it out and she moved back to where I was (my hometown). I was very grateful that she even wanted to attempt to try and repair the damage that was caused. I basically changed my attitude and my whole life around, but I believe part of that was because I was happier now that I wasn't living with her parents.

    The damage between her and my mom never healed and I don't think to this day it will ever be healed. As time moved on, My mom eventually did apologize to my girlfriend, realizing that she should of never got involved in the problems I had with her. However, my girlfriend at the time didn't think she was sincere or really sorry. They went back and forth on emails of anger and attacks/accusations. (keep in mind they have never physically met eachother). I did the best to my knowledge to try and repair the damage between them, but it seemed the more I tried the more damage I caused. My girlfriend thought I was defending my mom and mom thought I was casting her out of my life and so forth...

    So... another major event happened around 2 years later from previous event. My girlfriend got pregnant with my son. Her and I decided to get married and move in with her in-laws again except this time we rented a house together and split the rent to help our financial situation. I didn't like it but now that I have a son coming I knew I had to make this sacrifice. I told my mom and my mom handled it very badly. She was not supportive and was upset about the whole thing. Which made my wife confirm her belief of my mom that she is this completely mean person and will never change.

    So, after my son was born I was hoping to have my side of the family come visit us to meet our son. However, My wife does not feel comfortable with my mom visiting and wants nothing to do with her. I on the other hand, have moved on and would like my mother to be apart of my son's life. My mom may be a lot of things but I believe she is a good person and has just made bad decisions in the past. She did even apologize about how she reacted when I told her I was married and was having a son.

    I tend to let things go and move on and so I forgave her. My wife on the other hand seems to still be upset about all that has happened over the years. I understand how my wife can still be upset but how she is handling it I am worried. She seems filled with hate anytime I bring my mother up even if its not about drama. I ask her to come to comprimise and see if my mom can get a hotel room and I will bring my son to them so they can visit so that she doesn't have to be present with them. Only response I get from my wife is that I am being selfish and not understanding of her feelings. After numerous attempts to try and repair the damage and always worried not to side with anyone... I feel like no matter what I do it always be this way.

    I can accept the fact that my wife and my mom will never get along. I still want my mom to be apart of my life and my son's life and my wife seems to not support that and actually prohibits that.

    I understand this is a long read and I apologize. There will still be pockets of things that I might of missed. So if you have questions please ask and I will asnwer them honestly.

    I know everyone will think this is silly for me to post this issue here on a gaming website... However, I really have nothing to lose at this point. I'm trying anything now...

  2. #2
    Fluffy Kitten Cambria's Avatar
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    Both need to put you above their dislike towards each other. Your mother needs to understand that is your wives child, and if she wants to see him she needs to treat him, you, and her with respect while she's there.

    Your wife needs to understand she is your mom. She was well before you met her and for the rest of your life. You want your mother to be apart of your life. Tbh, you need to sit down with them both and explain you aren't choosing one or the other and they need to get over their selfishness and move on.

    The relationship I have with my boyfriends family and that he has with mine is priceless. They need to meet and make up or you will never be fully happy. Good luck, hope things go well for you. =]

  3. #3
    It sounds like the adults in your life need to start acting like adults. It's shocking you've married this woman though and your mom has never met her. If you mother is willing to move on and your wife isn't she's the problem in the relationship and needs to smarten up. You also need to man up to your wife and make her realize that she can't control you. It's your family man, she can't prohibit you from exposing your son to her because they don't get along. That's not a healthy relationship. Man up.

  4. #4
    Field Marshal Roamine's Avatar
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    So they still haven't met eachother? I'm not sure if I can give you an answer to how you should deal with this, but if meeting her grandson is important for your mother you could try to talk to her and convince her to call or e-mail your wife with an apology. I can understand that they both are upset, and if they don't actually talk to eachother face to face, you become the middle-man.

    That your mother wants to see her grandson is understandable, that you want your son to know his grandmother and vice versa is understandable and your wife being upset is...well, it's understandable but as you said, she seems to have a hard time letting things go. The compromise you mentioned seemed like a good idea and I can't see why that would be selfish as she wouldn't even met your mother. Have you asked her if there is more to it? Why she feels this "hatred"? My guess would be that she is afraid of losing you, that your mother will try to seperate you, that she's not good enough in her eyes.

    You said that you are now living with her parents due to economic reasons, I can understand that. But there is no chance you can move to a new place? Somewhere in the middle of your childhood homes? So you are truly by yourselves and can build a life together without taking sides with either parents or needs.

  5. #5
    Stood in the Fire
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    I think your wife is being incredibly immature. Yeah, she has every right to be upset and I don't blame her for not wanting to be around your mom but... she needs to get over it. It's not like they need to have dinner together once a week or go Christmas shopping together. To be so angry, after this long, that she won't even let your mom stay in a hotel room in the same city so she can see her grandkids... that's a bit much.

    Unfortunately, I don't think there's much you can do. I'm assuming you've already talked to your wife and explained why this is bothering you, why you want your mom to be a part of your kid's life, etc. If that hasn't worked, I'm not sure what else you can do. You can't force somebody to grow up.

    Maybe your wife and mom can go to counseling together? Or all three of you? If your wife refuses to even try, there's bigger problems here than her just being mad at your mom.....

  6. #6
    Sounds like your girlfriend just ruined your life.

    A) tore you away from your real family
    B) managed to get you to marry her
    C) forbids your mother from being apart of your new family
    D) got knocked up to secure you in the future

    You need to man up and lay down the law, tell her it's your mother, you are going to see her, she is going to be apart of the family, end of story.

  7. #7
    High Overlord
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    This has to be causing a lot of stress or you would of never put this on mmo champion.

    Here is what i got from this, my wife and mother hate each other, i live with her parents who are going to back up any decision your wife/there child makes. there were mistakes made granted but you thought they were worked out.

    If you want your mom in your life you should probably grow a set. tell your wife you only get one mother and you didnt get to chosse her, no one is perfect. having support from both sides of the family is rarely a bad thing. it can be difficult to tell your wife this is what I want. plus if its just for a visit every once in awhile your kid gets free toys from grandma.

    Just some other advice married man to married man: Try to get out on your own. Living with her parents adds more people into your familys decisions.

    I wish you the best and hope it works out for ya.

  8. #8
    I'm getting seriously confused with all the aparts here, what you mean is probably a part.

  9. #9
    The Lightbringer Toffie's Avatar
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    You mother did a mistake by not supporting you getting married to who you she thought were the wrong person to share your life with. You say you were not happy living there, you mother supported then, you told your mother that your girlfriend was manipulating? She wrote a email in frustration that her son was beeing manipulated and told the girl she was a bad person; your mother did right but could handled in a different manner. Later on like addressed you get married to this girl and your mother doesn't support it, your mother realise you want it this way and decide to visit her grandson, your wife wont let her in your lifes.... From the way i see it, your girlfriend never forgave your mother for something both you and your mom agreed too, which seems absurd...

    From the way i see it, your girlfriend have issues to resolve.... It's your mom, you decide whatever you want the mom to take part in the childs life or not.

    Both never met eachother? It's time too, tell them to stop the bullshit and forgive eachother.
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  10. #10
    Man, you got yourself in a situation there. First of all I'd like to state that it would be impossible for me to marry a woman without her every meeting my mother. That was your first insane failure.

    I think you need to get in focus that this is YOUR MOTHER! She cant just tore you apart from your mother.
    Tell her that she should put herself in your moms place and think about how she would be feeling if she wouldnt be allowed to see her grandson.

    I only can say that it's impossible to fix any of your (multiple) problems without both of them sitting down together, getting to know each other and try to come along.

    You MUST absolutley get your wife to meet with your mom, or you will never get away from the stress since either your mom or your wife will try to pull you to their side.

    I wish you the best of luck man... i honestly do

  11. #11
    Your wife has no right to keep you from seeing your mother, and no right to keep a grandmother from seeing her grandson. Shes being immature and needs to grow up. If she doesn't want to have a relationship with your mother that is her problem, but she cannot force that on the rest of your family.
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  12. #12
    Moderator eternalwhitemoon's Avatar
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    I think living with her parents is compounding the issue and causing more stress than you already have going. Like Briellas said, try to get your own place if you can.

    Have you ever really dug into why your wife hates your mom so much? The animosity she displays sounds really really deep-seated to me. Maybe it's not about your mother at all? I would feel upset over someone advocating not being with me, but if the relationship culminated in a marriage I suppose I'd get over it. Perhaps she takes your mother as a symbol of "we shouldn't be together"? That could be why she hates her, because she symbolizes something your wife doesn't want (obviously).

    I don't know. It just sounds like there's more to this than meets the eye.

    Edit: It could be that it's because your mother "doesn't approve" of her, and thus your interaction with her, or having to interact with her herself, causes your wife to fear that your mom could convince you to leave her again. (She managed it once, after all.) Insecurity?
    Last edited by eternalwhitemoon; 2011-01-21 at 11:16 PM.

  13. #13
    The Patient Greivence's Avatar
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    I agree with the majority bro, your girl is manipulating the shit out of you. Your going to need to either get her to understand that your not her personal little slave or go through a hefty divorce, this is the kind of situation that can fuck your life up forever, don't let that happen. Your going to need to stand up to your wife, not yelling or anything, and make her realize that this IS the way it is, she is the problem, and she needs to stop being the problem or gtfo. GL bro, wish you and your kid well.

  14. #14
    High Overlord
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    They both have to make up for their faults. Sounds like your mom is willing to "Glue" the relationship back together, and it sounds like your wife doesnt even bother to try. Its something deeper I think if your wife is angry for three whole years only at your mom and forbids her to see her grandschildren. Thats really a mean thing to do. I think the major bottleneck is your wife. As I said more early in my comment, your Mom is mature enough to just accept her as your wife, and your wife is still angry with her after so long. Thats a bit "too" long for my understanding. Maybe go to a counselor with your wife and then she can tell her part about the whole thing as you say that she gets angry if you start/ask to talk about your mom.

    I wish you good luck with this problem, but I wouldnt bet my 2 cents on it that it will ever work out, because after three years they havent even met each other for only one time. Sorry :-\

  15. #15
    IM not going to lie. i actually have a ton of experience with this on multiple levels. But to keep from rambling on il just give you this peice of advice.

    Your mom will always be your mom. Your wife, may NOT always be your wife. If you love your wife you should side with her. YOu have your own family now and you need to force the situation to move on instead of trying to repair the damage.

    In regards to your mom. Tell her your fed up with the way she has been acting towards your wife. You have a family now and if she doesn't like the way you do things with your family then tough shit.

    IMO you have to pick a side and cannot stay neutral and that side should be your wife. You will be a much happier person to come home to happy wife. Also, a happy husband and happy wife is a good step towards having a happy child.

  16. #16
    Quote Originally Posted by eternalwhitemoon View Post
    I think living with her parents is compounding the issue and causing more stress than you already have going. Like Briellas said, try to get your own place if you can.

    Have you ever really dug into why your wife hates your mom so much? The animosity she displays sounds really really deep-seated to me. Maybe it's not about your mother at all? I would feel upset over someone advocating not being with me, but if the relationship culminated in a marriage I suppose I'd get over it. Perhaps she takes your mother as a symbol of "we shouldn't be together"? That could be why she hates her, because she symbolizes something your wife doesn't want (obviously).

    I don't know. It just sounds like there's more to this than meets the eye.

    Edit: It could be that it's because your mother "doesn't approve" of her, and thus your interaction with her, or having to interact with her herself, causes your wife to fear that your mom could convince you to leave her again. (She managed it once, after all.) Insecurity?
    Yes, there is a lot more... However, it would take a book to lay it all out. My wife feels like my mom is fake and that my mom is not sorry for what happen in the past. I'm sure she has a valid reason to feel that way however, I do not feel that way and thats where the problem is.

  17. #17
    Well, I think others already covered some of it.

    1. You need to lay down the law and get them to stop taking potshots at one another. There needs to be a consequence if they don't do this for you...it's up to you to decide what that consequence is. Remember, also, that your child IS EXPOSED to whatever shit is going on between your wife and that child's grandmother; children are very sensitive to emotional tones, and looking forward there's a scary potential here for your kid to be caught between the grandmother he might grow to love a lot and his mother. So if you don't want to lay down consequences for yourself, do it for the kid who might be the next go-between if you don't draw a line now. Personally, I'd drop one or the other, wife, or mother, but then I grew up with a horrible family (half were on anti-psychotics, I do not lie, the other half needed to be) so abandoning problem-people and striking out on my own is always my ultimate solution, which might just mean I'm screwed up. But even if you don't go that extreme, they need to stop doing shit that's hurting you, and you need to put your foot down some how, some way. You need to have some sort of consequence, and stick to it, if they don't stop the BS. Short term, doing this will be a lot of drama, so it may be hard to kick it off if you don't like drama, but if you can make it stick, it might end it long-term.

    2. I am wondering if your wife has transferred her anger with you to your mother. (I know I'd have a difficult time forgiving such a thing.) It strikes me as odd that you two managed to patch it up, but your wife can't understand that your mother was also trying to protect you...although of course, I have no access to the hurtful emails they've flung at one another to know what was really said, so there might have been a few doozies in there. And obviously the reaction of your mother when you told her about your child and that you were married probably caused things to flare up again. But, in order to be able to forgive you for what you did, it's possible your wife is blaming your mom, holding her responsible both for her actions as well as your actions, so that the two of you can move on in your day to day interaction. After all, your wife sees you every day (or so I assume). She hasn't even met your mother. It's safer to be angry with your mother than you.

    Might be a good idea to get your mother to promise not to email your wife or respond to her emails, and only communicate if they ever meet in person. It's hard to be an ass if you have to look the other person in the eye while you do it.

  18. #18
    High Overlord
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    Quote Originally Posted by Souper friend View Post
    IM not going to lie. i actually have a ton of experience with this on multiple levels. But to keep from rambling on il just give you this peice of advice.

    Your mom will always be your mom. Your wife, may NOT always be your wife. If you love your wife you should side with her. YOu have your own family now and you need to force the situation to move on instead of trying to repair the damage.

    In regards to your mom. Tell her your fed up with the way she has been acting towards your wife. You have a family now and if she doesn't like the way you do things with your family then tough shit.

    IMO you have to pick a side and cannot stay neutral and that side should be your wife. You will be a much happier person to come home to happy wife. Also, a happy husband and happy wife is a good step towards having a happy child.
    So your advice is to put his balls is his wife purse, tell his mom ( Who he wants a relationship with )to get stuffed. Have his child never know his side of the family. AND THIS IS SUPPOSE TO MAKE HAPPY..... lol

    His wife is the one causing the pain in his life. that is where he needs to focus his attention.

    I am not a wife/women hater, i love my wife but women can get over emotional, she is furious at a women she has never met. and is willing to have her child never meet the man of her dreams family over words, sounds logical

  19. #19
    i dont think your wife is manipulating you at all,i do on the other hand think your mom seems like the dominant type that can't let go of her son. You have your own family now,you dont need mommy there to hold your hand. I actually can imagine why your wife doesnt like your mom,your mom talked you into leaving her once allready and then send a nasty email to your wife while the whole issue was none of her beeswax (plus she only heard your side of the story while you only appeared to do some ranting,venting out your frustrations). Your mom judged your wife before she even met her,no wonder your wife is all pissy at her,i wouldn't be so forgiving either seeing as she was the cause for the first break up. On the other hand i think after so many years its about time to put the past behind and try to move on. If your mom is willing to meet your wife on neutral terms and not with some nasty "ill talk my son into a divorce" type plan you can always talk into your wife. The best way to do this is not to be defensive for your mom because then your wife might feel cornered and unsupported and get more pissed which will ruin the whole thing even more.

    edit: howmany of you who replied are actually trying to see this from his wife's perspective? i bet most of you are male.

  20. #20
    Quote Originally Posted by Izzykizzy View Post
    i dont think your wife is manipulating you at all,i do on the other hand think your mom seems like the dominant type that can't let go of her son. You have your own family now,you dont need mommy there to hold your hand. I actually can imagine why your wife doesnt like your mom,your mom talked you into leaving her once allready and then send a nasty email to your wife while the whole issue was none of her beeswax (plus she only heard your side of the story while you only appeared to do some ranting,venting out your frustrations). Your mom judged your wife before she even met her,no wonder your wife is all pissy at her,i wouldn't be so forgiving either seeing as she was the cause for the first break up. On the other hand i think after so many years its about time to put the past behind and try to move on. If your mom is willing to meet your wife on neutral terms and not with some nasty "ill talk my son into a divorce" type plan you can always talk into your wife. The best way to do this is not to be defensive for your mom because then your wife might feel cornered and unsupported and get more pissed which will ruin the whole thing even more.

    edit: howmany of you who replied are actually trying to see this from his wife's perspective? i bet most of you are male.
    Really, the insults were not necessary. I am an adult and I don't need anyone to hold my hand. I made a mistake and I was accountable for it. I had never been in a seroious relationship before and that whole experience was new to me. So, if you can understand that... then you can understand this: I love my wife and I DO NOT want a failed marriage. I have seen 4 seperate counseling services to try find common ground on the issue. Most of them just beat around the bush because they understand that no one is right in this situation. I learned 2 important things however:

    1. You can't blame others for the way you feel.

    2. Play the broken record... If something means a lot to someone. They need to know that and there shouldn't have to be any justification for it.

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