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  1. #1

    [Help me] Befriending the one you love

    Dear people on mmochamp,

    I'll try to make this short and clear, because I'd like as many reactions and opinions as possible. Even if you don't like walls of text, I'd appreciate it if you read this one and thought about it. This is very important to me.

    I'm a 26-year old guy from the Netherlands. Last week, out of nowhere, a girl (21) appeared in my life. We met online, started chatting and decided to meet up. I remember getting doubts, but there was no turning back: she alrdy started the 70 km drive to reach my town. We didn't rly know anything about eachother. I was totally flipping out, until I met her at the train station, where we met up.

    We had a very relaxing evening. We talked as if we'd known eachother forever. There was a full moon, we had some wine in the park and had an amazing night. After we said goodbye, we exchanged phone numbers to keep in touch. Everything had felt perfect. That night I fell in love.

    The next couple of days were a huge eye-opener. I think I went through all the phases of psychology: euphoria, anger, despair, sadness. I got myself together and decided to turn my life around. I quit smoking weed and cigarettes, started working out, eating healthier and sleeping normal hours again. Today is six days later, I'm still doing great, haven't even had the urge to bend or give up. (I had been smoking cigarettes and weed for about 10 years)

    Throughout the week we kept talking via sms and on the internet. I told her exactly how I felt (being dishonest wouldn't bring me anywhere). She was so kind and understanding, but she had been through a very painful relationship recently and wanted to be on her own. She told me she trusted me, she liked me, but she isn't looking for anything more at the moment.

    I just want to be with her. She's such an amazing person in so many different ways. It's weird to say as a 26-year old male, but I'm not at all interested in urgently having sex with her, although she's so pretty with huge charisma. If I could choose, I'd be with her forever, listening to her every single word.

    So what should I do, people? Can you befriend the one you're in love with? Should I run? Can you give me any advice, warnings or opinions? Have you been in a similar situation?

    Anything that might be helpful is so welcome. Thanks in advance!

    Edit: I'd like to add that she's very happy to have made such changes in my life, although she doesn't understand how she did it.

    She rly wants to keep seeing me, but considering we live quite far from eachother, this might be only weekly. We do talk daily on the net or by texting. She's ofc very flattered I like her so much and she thinks I'm kinda hot (except for me having long hair, which she hates).

    You must understand how all this confuses me. I'm preparing myself, though, when it explodes in my face, not to return to the guy I was before.

    Edit: I think I owe you all this message, because the friendship ended. Yesterday afternoon she told me she was getting back together with her abusive ex-boyfriend. The guy who hit her in the face, threw her on the floor and grabbed her by the neck.

    I lost self-control, went to his place and kicked the shit out of him in such a way that i'm honestly glad he survived. I'm awaiting a visit/call from the police. The girl has alrdy contacted me, told me I should have stayed out of her business, that she could handle it. She never wants to see/hear from me again.

    I blew it, but it felt great making the asshole suffer. I'm trying to forget now and move on. Thanks for all your help, rly.
    Last edited by Redredwine; 2011-12-03 at 04:05 PM.

  2. #2
    The Patient Zaloezie's Avatar
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    I would try to spend as much time with her as possible and enjoy it. See where the future brings you.

  3. #3
    If that girl really is the reason why you're changing the way are. Then do everything you can to keep her in your life.

  4. #4
    Don't get stuck in the friendzone.
    Upgrading friendzone->"More than Friends" is extremely difficult.
    Make sure she knows that you intend to be going further eventually.

    So be "the patient boyfriend" rather than "the loyal friend"
    Dont take me seriously except when I'm serious.

  5. #5
    Brewmaster Vayshan's Avatar
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    Start as friends, seeing as she wants it to be that way. You can get to know eachother even better and who knows... she might get used and attached to you and then she might want more than just a friend. Just don't rush things, specially when she says she just came out of a painfull relationship. Give her time and all things will come to pass as they should

  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Ultraspank View Post
    If that girl really is the reason why you're changing the way are. Then do everything you can to keep her in your life.
    That. Even if she doesnt want you as her BF, just stay with her. If she can make you change that much so fast, she's gotta be pretty special.

  7. #7

  8. #8
    Stood in the Fire Deschim's Avatar
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    eya gozer

    if she isnt ready yet for an another relation.. dont push it up. that wil only make it go worse.
    but try to keep in contact and *close* to her.
    the hard part is your feelings.... try to control them *wich is very hard* and dont push them up

    its a difficult situation your in. cause kinda the only way to get your feelings down is distance and/or anger, and thats something you also dont want.

    i wish you luck with it.. i kinda know your situation... i have got simulair situations.
    succes

    Armory
    *If you want to criticize my english, Atleast post something usefull on the topic to*

  9. #9
    I think, maybe, just maybe...
    you should
    Man up?
    Life isn't the notebook.

  10. #10
    Stood in the Fire Rockmanzero's Avatar
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    A. Birthsigns do not really matter only if she is into it.
    B. Keep befriending her like you have now for a year or 2 eventually she will think deeper.
    C. Make her notice you are there.
    D. Keep going with your life how it is right now.

  11. #11
    Realise what good this change brought into your life. Do it for yourself, not for the girl.

    As for the friend zone : get out of there while you still can. There will be other girls. They may even actualy put out
    Ecce homo ergo elk

  12. #12
    I was wondering where the so-called 'real' men were at. Thanks for the other replies so far!

  13. #13
    Fluffy Kitten Badpaladin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Redredwine View Post
    I was wondering where the so-called 'real' men were at. Thanks for the other replies so far!
    It's not about that. I'm sorry, but you don't love this person. Nobody loves the person they lust for. You don't love somebody until you've been with them for a while and know their imperfections, inconsistencies and so forth. Befriending somebody and trying to get it to evolve into a relationship does not work, and it never, ever stays truly with good intentions. That comic linked above is extremeley accurate, although a little simplified. You are far better off just being up front about it, because more often than not the answer will be a resounding 'Yes' if you're confident.
    My Short Required Reading List: One. Two. || Last.fm

  14. #14
    It's really great you are turning your life around, and I hope you keep that up for your own benefit. As for the girl, I don't think that may ever happen. I'll just give you an honest girl's opinion, based on what you described here, and hope it gives you another perspective. Remember, it is just my opinion, so take it as that and that alone.

    Basically, I think she's not attracted to you. If I met a hot guy I could imagine myself having sex with, I would NEVER ever tell him I'm not looking for a relationship. Especially not if the only reason was just getting out of a bad one. If I was going through incredibly difficult stuff in my life at that point I would still want to pursue the guy. Problems get solved, that one great guy you missed haunts you forever.

    I don't know the details of exactly how close you were before you met irl, but my guess is she made up her mind after she had seen you. I doubt she would have driven that far otherwise. My conclusion would be she only wants you as a friend, and that's how it's going to stay no matter her situation. The "I wish my boyfriend was as sweet and understanding as you" guy. And I'm sure you'd get to hear that a lot.

    If you're content with just being her friend, then stick around. If you know you want to be more, cut her off and walk away. If she contacts you after that, tell her you're dating girls, but make sure it sounds like nothing serious - yet. Meanwhile keep working on turning your life around. If you aren't already, start going out and meeting people closer to your new life philosophy. If she wants you, she'll come after you, if not you may meet someone else instead. That's what I'd do in your place anyway.

    Not sure if this helped in any way, but I tried to be honest with you.

    PLEASE DON'T PM ME WITH REQUESTS! (OR RISK INCINERATION, RANDOM AFFLICTION, OCCASIONAL SACRIFICE)

  15. #15
    Quote Originally Posted by Duskmoon View Post
    Basically, I think she's not attracted to you. If I met a hot guy I could imagine myself having sex with, I would NEVER ever tell him I'm not looking for a relationship. Especially not if the only reason was just getting out of a bad one. If I was going through incredibly difficult stuff in my life at that point I would still want to pursue the guy. Problems get solved, that one great guy you missed haunts you forever.

    I don't know the details of exactly how close you were before you met irl, but my guess is she made up her mind after she had seen you. I doubt she would have driven that far otherwise.
    As a girl myself, I'd also agree with this response. This chick drove a considerable distance to see you which tells me she obviously wasn't that hung up on her ex and was definitely looking for something with you. For whatever reason, whether it was a physical or emotional, the attraction just wasn't there for her and telling you she wasn't looking for a relationship right now was her way of letting you down gently. (We use the "I just want to be friends" bit just as often as guys do.)

    Either way, it's great that you've decided to turn your life around in this situation and hopefully you'll continue with the changes you've made because they're not only good for you physically, but they will likely help you find a girl who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with her.

  16. #16
    I've been in a similar situation, the girl I loved had feelings for me, but she didn't want to get into a relationship because she just got out of one that didn't go well. We kept in touch, and just recently she told me that she couldn't ignore her feelings anymore, that she wanted to be with me. I'd say the best thing you can do is wait, be more than just a good friend, and whatever you do, DONT push her into anything, that'll work against you. I'm happy for you that you turned your life around like that, it's a feat to be proud of, keep that spirit up, regardless of what will happen.

    Edit: As for people telling you ''I just want to be friends'' means she won't want you, don't buy it. I'm not saying they can't be right, but what's the point in not trying? If you don't give it a shot, you'll never get anywhere, it says a lot that she drove that distance just for you. I've been told to be just friends, turned out to be more than just friends
    Last edited by SP33D14; 2011-04-24 at 06:23 PM.
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  17. #17
    Brewmaster Nørf's Avatar
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    You found love. Stay in her life without being pushy, but let her know (and show her) that you wanna do anything for her.
    If it was me, I would eventually see that someone like you would be the one for me and I would take the chance.
    Go for it and stick with it. As others have said, there is many fish in the sea, but if you find someone that you care that much about that fast, then it's a one timer and there will not be any others that can compare to her.

  18. #18
    Dreadlord Spondoo's Avatar
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    Get to know her more and then break the friend zone when you've made her laugh enough. Also do this for your self, women don't like men who just do what they're told, get some self respect but don't be arrogant. Don't rush into it cause then you might just scare her off and then you're SoL and heartbroken which sucks.

    Also don't bullshit that you'd listen to her and don't want sex. You're going through a chemical imbalance which makes you think like that. Eventually once you get close to her and you've finally accomplished your goal, then what? You'll lose that sense of serene beauty in her words that turn into constant yapping and all you want to do is fuck her and then go onto the next. It's just human nature, men are polygamists just society tells us to be monogamous.
    You better herp yourself before you derp yourself.

  19. #19
    Quote Originally Posted by A Forum Troll View Post
    Don't get stuck in the friendzone.
    Upgrading friendzone->"More than Friends" is extremely difficult.
    Make sure she knows that you intend to be going further eventually.

    So be "the patient boyfriend" rather than "the loyal friend"
    This, so much of this Having to do the same thing now, ive been dropped in the friendzone so many times i now know how to not end up there but friendzone is the single most annoying thing...EVER!

  20. #20
    Quote Originally Posted by Badpaladin View Post
    Nobody loves the person they lust for.
    I agree with the rest of your post, but this part I think isn't quite accurate. You can love someone in the way you talked about knowing all of their flaws, and still be physically attracted to them.

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