[Help me] Befriending the one you love

[Deleted]

From a girl's point of view:
Yes, you should befriend her. But not the kind of "gay-man friendship" (don't be her girlfriend) but the kind of closest friend relationship. Make her know she can trust you with anything and when she's ready she'll make you know you can start hitting on her.
Just please make sure it's not just the lust of a dude who hasn't seen a woman in 10 years, cus you would be a son of a ... to break her heart in that way.

[Strossus]

As some guys already mentioned:

Stay to your true, clear line. BUT: I'd tell her also; if she likes you and whatever, everybody had a freakin' relationship that drained and ended badly......... You'll be there, waiting or better giving her some time, but that won't last forever. She shall think about giving it a chance, seeing how she changed you and how that should express your feelings more than most guys can express towards girls.

Short: Stay true, tell her also that you have a value and that you also have some sort of pride, but don't be an asshole.

Btw: Stay clear of all that shit. Quit some time ago and after a while you'll feel even better and better without all sorts of smoke. ^^

MOST IMPORTANT THING:

Go on with your life. 1st of all: being successful and happy makes attractive. 2nd: if things fail, you still got your life!

[Deleted]

Just please make sure it's not just the lust of a dude who hasn't seen a woman in 10 years, cus you would be a son of a ... to break her heart in that way.

It's not, I'm finishing my studies at the moment, I see lots of people. I'm just not an outgoing person, more calm and intimate. I can't imagine finding love (or 'scoring', as the guys you mean call it) on a party or something like that. I also can't imagine ever to have a one-night-stand, because I put great emotional value in sex. I rly need to be in a relationship with trust and warmth for it to happen. I can't disconnect lust from the other aspects. But I understand that's not a normal way of thinking these days.

It's just rly hard to find 'good' girls, with intelligence and contents. Where are they? Not on a table in some party. Best places might be school or work.

But the UNIVERSE has brought me this girl and I rly feel it's not a coïncidence

[schlubbor]

you don't know her enough.. and you are way to far ahead in a relationship that does not even exist.
run, just run.

[Topornic]

Just "do you want to be with me: yes or not, if not you can but don't have to explain". From my own experience I know that meeting girl that you once loved is shitty feelin' especially if she's with another guy. I hate one so much that I wanted to punch her because of her lies and what she did to me(nevermind details) but when I actually see her I smile like fuckin' idiot.

[Delenn]

She said that she had been in a relationship and just prefers to be on her own right now, respect that and understand it might of been a painful break up, but don't give up, I have been where you are now, I waited 5 years for the one I love to come around. Today we live in a beautiful house, we are doing great financially, we are very happy and my life is set. just don't be to pushy, that might push her away, be there for her, be sure to let her know how you feel and also let her understand that you are patient in the end if it is meant to be, then you to will find happiness with her. But also understand that you have found happiness now in yourself as well, you have quit smoking and started on a path to a healthier life, even if things were not to work out with her, don't go back friend, there are so many chances out there waiting for you, you are young, you have your whole life ahead of you think positive and you will get positive results. God Bless.

[madyrn]

Considering you just met and she isn't ready for anything serious, I wouldn't get too pushy. You've told her how you feel and she hasn't flat out rejected you she just let it be known that she's not going to rush in. That's cool. Just be there. Don't go overboard but be available.

One thing you need to consider, especially with a distance relationship, she's more than likely "talking" to other guys. She may or may not be up front about it but you should expect it given her unwillingness to commit regardless of her past. Keep yourself available to her but don't write off others that may be more willing and more available. She may have just been the one to get you back on track and now you can move on. You just never know.

[Deleted]

I'd like to add that she's very happy to have made such changes in my life, although she doesn't understand how she did it. (hell, i don't either, she just popped my numbing bubble, you know, like waking up).

She wants to keep seeing me, but considering we live quite far from eachother, this might be only weekly. We do talk daily on the net or by texting. She's ofc very flattered I like her so much and she thinks I'm kinda hot (except for me having long hair, which she hates).

You must understand how all this confuses me. I'm preparing myself, though, when it explodes in my face, not to return to the guy I was before.

[Melodi]

It's not about that. I'm sorry, but you don't love this person. Nobody loves the person they lust for. You don't love somebody until you've been with them for a while and know their imperfections, inconsistencies and so forth. Befriending somebody and trying to get it to evolve into a relationship does not work, and it never, ever stays truly with good intentions. That comic linked above is extremeley accurate, although a little simplified. You are far better off just being up front about it, because more often than not the answer will be a resounding 'Yes' if you're confident.

Maybe this hasn't happened to you personally, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. I started out as just friends with my husband for YEARS before we took anything further. He was a mutual friend of my sister and a ton of my friends, I had known him since middle school and finally in junior year of high school we became extremely good friends. In fact, like the XKCD comic he was there for me like a great friend through thick and thin. He became one of my best friends (still is today), just one day the light bulb pretty much came on for both of us and we finally admitted to somehow falling in love with each other over time. Honestly, I still don't get how I didn't notice it way beforehand that I had grown to love him as more than a friend.

Personally, I can't see how people can go into relationships without first starting out as friends. At least I was never able to do it. In fact, most of the people that I know who are married started out as good friends, then started dating, and then got married. I just hate it when men (in general) go "Oh God, the friend zone... you're doomed!" When in most of my personal experiences, and the majority of my friends all started out in "the friends zone" before having relationships with those people. You aren't doomed, you haven't been written off yet, and there are plenty of people who go from friends to being in a serious relationship. If you go into it thinking negatively you are dooming yourself from the start.

Even if she doesn't want any relationship now, keep being friends with her. Plus, you never know what will happen, things change. Just don't rush anything and focus on getting to know her more. She's obviously a good influence in your life and a good friend. Just remember, even if nothing happens between you keep making those positive life changes for yourself not for her. Don't make up crap about how you're dating other people casually, people don't appreciate being lied to because eventually she's going to find out somehow. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

[Revan Bane]

I'm just wondering, if it's not too much of a personal question, the people who say got together with their best friend of long years, was there attraction at the beginning of your friendship? Was there lust, daydreaming, maybe some "almost" situations? Are you referring to hanging out with someone in a group of friends as a "friend", but liking them, and then as you get to know each other more starting to date? Or was this going from no feelings at all, to years of being friends, to then being together?

I can't understand how you can suddenly fall in love with someone you've known as a friend for years. To me, considering my friends, that would be the equivalent of getting together with my brother. I could never fall in love with any of them, and we are really very close and compatible and I do love them dearly. I just can't imagine a situation where I'd change my mind about it, not that there weren't any potentially "romantic" opportunities such as hanging out alone on a perfect night.

From my experience, it's either feeling the attraction from the start and falling in love as you get to know the person (and then basically hiding it, if the other person isn't not interested, so you can continue being friends) or being pure platonic friends without any thing ever happening. Can you switch on the chemistry later on, and if yes, how? For me, I either feel it, or not. And if I don't feel it, I'm never going to.

[Cherrysoul]

Given that she has just come out of a bad relationship and she definitely likes you, even if just as a friend for now, just go with the flow, without pushing anything on to her, just be there when she wants you to be, and follow her lead. Once the pain subsides from that past relationship she MAY start to see you in a new light. Congrats on giving up the smokes/weed

[MrMuggles]

You are captivated by love, just extremely infatuated, and I can only tell you this: put yourself first and control your emotions, do not let them control you, you'll end up acting recklessly or doing something that will repulse her. I advice you to get to her level, do not give too much, move at her pace.

[Deleted]

Damn bro, friendzoned hard.

[Radioactive Hobo]

Yup, sounds like love dude. A lot of guys don't understand but feeling a massive urge to jizz all over a girl isn't love. I'd like to say now, yes, yes a hundred times over you can befriend the person you love. In fact, the only relationships that are healthy are the ones where the couple are friends first and lovers second. Be friends with her, by all means, but remember that she does like you in that way as well. What woman drives that far to meet a guy if she doesn't want to be more than friends? She likes you, but by the sounds of it she's scared that if she lets it become a real relationship then it'll all change, and she has a point. A lot of relationships do change once they're made official.

Stay close to her as a friend, visit her as often as you can, but never try and push her towards a relationship. Continue as it is now and let her come to you. When she does then it will be amazing, but if you force her into it early then it may not be. Also, consider whether you are ready for a relationship. She's broken you from your smoking stupor and that's fantastic. But your new-found happiness with life may be affecting how strongly you feel for her. Take the time to get used to your new life, spending as much with her as you can. Let it all settle and enjoy life for a bit while you both adjust.

I've been in a similar situation as far as the distance goes. I actually dated a girl for 3 years that lived 3 hours drive from me. We saw each other about every two weeks and it was wonderful. Perhaps we'd still be together if we'd both had more experience in relationships (we got together when we were 15), but it's past now. We're still friends actually, and I enjoy that. The friendship was the best part of the relationship and although we aren't as close as we were, it's still there.

Honestly, the best advice I can give is to not push her in a direction she isn't ready for. You've already told her your feelings and she accepted them, that is a MASSIVE step. Just don't overwhelm her by telling her of your undying love constantly. Take it slow. There are plenty of little things you can do to show her you still feel that way without telling her outright. If you two hug when you see each other, hug her a little tightly with your arms around her waist. If she's upset, place your hand on her own or on her thigh, but don't squeeze, unless she puts her hand in yours. Little things like that. Girls love that shit.

[Delenn]

I'd like to add that she's very happy to have made such changes in my life, although she doesn't understand how she did it. (hell, i don't either, she just popped my numbing bubble, you know, like waking up).

She wants to keep seeing me, but considering we live quite far from eachother, this might be only weekly. We do talk daily on the net or by texting. She's ofc very flattered I like her so much and she thinks I'm kinda hot (except for me having long hair, which she hates).

You must understand how all this confuses me. I'm preparing myself, though, when it explodes in my face, not to return to the guy I was before.

The woman I am with now lived 460 kms from me so distance does work.

---------- Post added 2011-04-24 at 08:10 PM ----------

It's not about that. I'm sorry, but you don't love this person. Nobody loves the person they lust for. You don't love somebody until you've been with them for a while and know their imperfections, inconsistencies and so forth. Befriending somebody and trying to get it to evolve into a relationship does not work, and it never, ever stays truly with good intentions. That comic linked above is extremeley accurate, although a little simplified. You are far better off just being up front about it, because more often than not the answer will be a resounding 'Yes' if you're confident.

How can you say that??? you don't know each person as an individual, your opinion is based on your own personal preference and belief, you can not say that someone does not love someone else because of certain variances. Your logic is flawed, in many many ways. You may be referring to a past interested that turned you down? A relationship that did not work out? Not enough self confidence? Don't judge what others feel based on what you have experienced, its judgmental and wrong in every context.

[Against the Modern World]

Most people talking about "friendzone" seem to be horny teenagers, for whom relationships=only sex.

I don't know how it's possible to be it "relationship" with a loved person, if that person isn't your most trusted friend.

[BaddyMcBad]

Keep at it, you said she doesn't want anything "right now" but eventually she will.

[brabal]

joh als je verlieft ben.
ff gay doen... laat je hart spreken.
bleh... et werkt helaas wel.

succes. en mag hopen dat ze een lekker ding is :P

[Fuzzzie]

Please only post in English on these forums.

[Haven]

Well, dude, first off, I'm really happy to hear about how your life became better thу moment you fell in love. There's no sarcasm, I just feel good every time I hear someone's life changes to the better, especially since kinda something like that happened to me back in time. One would think you'd spend a lot of time on your love interest and fall behind in studies or whatever, but the sheer inspiration from love makes you fly like a rocket and be successful in many things.

But on the other hand, I'll have to agree with Badpaladin - I wouldn't call it love if you haven't known each other for quite a long time and known each other's flaws and dark sides. It's always like that, you meet someone, see their good sides, have a great time together and think that she's just as good in everything else she does... then it turns out, she's not. Just be careful and prepare for sad revelations. It'll be good if they don't happen.

What should you do? I'd recommend you to be open and straightforward and not to keep anything inside. Be considerate, don't rush, and remember one thing, just in case: even if nothing works out, you won't be the same once you've learned the worth of love and that you're capable of loving someone. Even if everything breaks, you'll know what to live for and won't return to being the old, miserable you.