"Pretty" kids: benefits vs drawbacks

[zodiaak]

Some interesting responses. My thoughts were a bit jumbled, so I'll clear it up on the "repulsive" part. A few months back I was with my sister at a Grand Slam (sports/arcade place) and while she was playing DDR, I looked around and saw all of these blobs of children that were not only beach balls, but screaming, being rowdy, and crying over spilled milkshake. By fat, I mean FAT. Not a kid who has a slightly protrusive belly or rounder than usual face. I'm talking 20% or more overweight. I carried 15-30 extra pounds on me from about 11 years old to 17. I was never obese. I ate like a teenage boy, but I wasn't allowed to become a blob.

Then an extension of an earlier question: how far should you go to make sure your kids are popular in school and developing healthfully socially?

Would you thought of these children as 'beachballs' had they been well-behaved and not rowdy at all? You draw yourself to something negative, the screaming, and make a judgement that they are also overweight. This comes down to parenting too. In public there are 3 kinds of children generally: Those who know how to behave, are polite, and can have a good time without being abnoxious; those who are cranky, usually smaller children, who cry or whine due to being tired or hungry; and those who are completely out on control. Most parents who are attentive enough for healthier diets would have socially polite and respectful children, and the usual you would see is the rowdy, uncontrolled children are more likely to be a bit overweight. These 'beachballs' are children and while you may look at them and think they are gross, think its a better idea to look at their parents and most likely you will see these out of control overweight children accompanied by a stressed out exhausted looking parent or one completely ignoring their behavior.

As far as social development. I find making sure they have the skills to make friends important, but popularity not as much. Ideally a popular child who is popular due to their personality and getting along great with other children would work out greatly. On anotherside trying to make them change their personality or the way they prefer to be in order to be accepted by large groups would probably do more harm than good. A couple good friends while being able to maintain being yourself is much better than a bunch of friends you have to put on an act for them to like you.

[Badpaladin]

I've been in school, and I visit schools semi regulary. It's a fucked up place with a messy hiarchy and to fit in you rarely act as yourself. In addition to that, you sit there during the part of your life you feel the most insecure, which is not an ideal combination. I'm not refering to preschool or anythin, I'm talking about school during your teen years.

Ofcourse, the popularity thing I said was taking it to the extreme, but my point still stands. Popularity is NOT something you should strive for as it comes with a backside, instead you should aim for being accepted as who you are and instead of conforming, stand tall and actually make people think you're a pretty solid and decent human being.

I've been in schools too, and it really depends entire on the group of kids. My high school didn't have any social hierarchies, and people who were "in" with one group were "in" with others.

And seriously, the "nerd" group are just as big of assholes as the popular kids.

[xile]

I've been in school, and I visit schools semi regulary. It's a fucked up place with a messy hiarchy and to fit in you rarely act as yourself. In addition to that, you sit there during the part of your life you feel the most insecure, which is not an ideal combination. I'm not refering to preschool or anythin, I'm talking about school during your teen years.

Ofcourse, the popularity thing I said was taking it to the extreme, but my point still stands. Popularity is NOT something you should strive for as it comes with a backside, instead you should aim for being accepted as who you are and instead of conforming, stand tall and actually make people think you're a pretty solid and decent human being.

I've attended 3 entirely different schools systems, and i can't think of one instance in which there was a clear hierarchy, the band "geeks" (what popular media would portray them as) were friends with the "popular" crowd, the groups are so mixed that there's not even a clear view of who is who. Yes we had a somewhat of a hierarchy but it was more of a group of the normal people and the weird people who were socially awkward and in the end they were still in their own group and some of them were still even friends with the "popular kids". I feel like theres an urge to create two separate groups, the populars and everyone else, where as highschool as far as i've seen is more like a huge ass venn diagram where all the groups are connected in several ways. When i attempt to think of the popular kids in my schools i find myself coming up with a list of almost everyone i knew in high school, in a large near 1000 graduating class. Highschool isn't clear cut.

Just as a point however, "acting like yourself" is well dumb. I'm quite a bit beyond my high school years and still have no clue who i am as a person, and i truly believe that none of us do. We're all a composition of the situation and "ourselves" and you will never understand the latter because you can never get away from the former. We just tend to see who we are as a result of the situation and how we want to see it.

[Deleted]

I've been in schools too, and it really depends entire on the group of kids. My high school didn't have any social hierarchies, and people who were "in" with one group were "in" with others.

And seriously, the "nerd" group are just as big of assholes as the popular kids.

Oh I'm not talking about the specific groups at this point; I realise now it was a mistake to go for the extremes on the getgo. I'm only saying you shouldn't aim for popularity, and you shouldn't tell your kids it's an important goal in life as that can backfire.

OK, let's forget hierarchies and instead go with the social structures and the groups in it. There will be groups of people that rather hang out with people of similiar interests, and instead of teaching your kid that it is important to be liked by everybody and thus being popular, instead make sure your kid knows that it is alot more important to be comfortable with yourself than having public side with your sillyness.

I may have gone overboard with my argument, and I'm sorry for that, my point from the beginning was little more than you shouldn't aim for popularity.

Xile; As I mentioned above I admitted I went to the extremes rather than staying realistic, sorry for that, but I maintain that mainstream popularity is not something to stress on to your kid.

[xile]

Oh I'm not talking about the specific groups at this point; I realise now it was a mistake to go for the extremes on the getgo. I'm only saying you shouldn't aim for popularity, and you shouldn't tell your kids it's an important goal in life as that can backfire.

OK, let's forget hierarchies and instead go with the social structures and the groups in it. There will be groups of people that rather hang out with people of similiar interests, and instead of teaching your kid that it is important to be liked by everybody and thus being popular, instead make sure your kid knows that it is alot more important to be comfortable with yourself than having public side with your sillyness.

I may have gone overboard with my argument, and I'm sorry for that, my point from the beginning was little more than you shouldn't aim for popularity.

Xile; As I mentioned above I admitted I went to the extremes rather than staying realistic, sorry for that, but I maintain that mainstream popularity is not something to stress on to your kid.

agreed, i know personally i didn't care whether or not i was popular.

[Deleted]

agreed, i know personally i didn't care whether or not i was popular.

Finally, I made sense, time to celebrate.

[Snakez]

Yeah I will try to raise my kid as the perfect person (without making him a freak)

[zodiaak]

Yeah I will try to raise my kid as the perfect person (without making him a freak)

Nobody wants to be the parent of the glue-eater haha

[Nørf]

As far as health goes I can agree. I am fat, and my mom (she's been alone with me my entire life) has let me eat unhealthy, because she didn't have the time or energy to care. But if you are a couple, taking responsibility for your kid in a healthy way, then I think it's a good thing. That said, don't deny them the unhealthy food, people will always want to have what they can't get and that's when it becomes dangerous.

Being clean is a good thing too, of course your kids should be clean and wear clean clothes, but you should also let them be themselves and let them learn by doing. If they some day feel like going to school in sweatpants and shirt, then let them. It's up to them, and remember, if you say no, then they will do it anyway and probably want to even more.

On the educational part, that's definitely not your area of responsibility. Let them decide what they want with their lives and stop aspiring them to do something that is your dream and not theirs. Trust me, it will only end bad. Instead, you should help them finding their passion, the thing they think they will be able to do for the rest of their lives.

You should not either let them know that you want a row of A's. My moms colleagues daughter has gotten straight A's, but she has gotten so high expectations to herself, that nothing will ever be good enough anymore and she is being broken down by stress now, cause she never achieves what she think is the ultimate. Let your kids know, that taking care of school is the best thing they can do for themselves, and again, let them learn by doing. If you push them into anything, it will backlash at you.

Parenting is about responsibility and you have to be just as responsible in your actions towards your kids if you want them to be the same.
Last but not least, raise them with lots of love, kisses and hugs. Learn them to be good to people, animals, being responsible. An example would be instead og torching the spider, then kill it or put it outside. In my experience, animals is the best way to teach any kid about life.

Good luck

On the off topic side I just wanna add that I started being picked at in kinder garden cause I had a three wheels bike, my self esteem dropped by a mile. In first grade I got told I was fat, which I wasn't in any way. I had big apple cheeks, but I've always had that. That is when I started eating when I came home from school. In 6Th grade I got new class mates, and all of them, including my old best friend, picked on me day in and day out. Eventually I had to move school. In 7Th grade I got a new nickname, "Fatty". The last 2 years of school I skipped at least half of each school year and I never got to graduate in math and physics.
So yes, bullying can beat the crap out of your life if you are not careful.