World of Warcraft Patch 9.0.5.0.5
Originally Posted by Blizzard (Blue Tracker / Official Forums)
World of Warcraft Patch 9.0.5.0.5

[This is an early draft version – PLEASE don’t store this document on any public drives. Thank you! – R.J.]

Content

New Raid: The Winter Queen’s Gambit

Come face to face with the Jailer’s lowliest servant, the Janitor, as he teaches you how to use the Medley of Transplanar Spices to envision each raid encounter upside down on the ceiling in preparation for a gauntlet of successively older and more difficult enemies. Once you no longer need the Janitor, move on to unadvisedly drinking Inconceivably Aged Vinegar as you work your way toward the final boss and learn that you can only win if you share the effort with your friends. Let’s play.

New Dungeon: A Fungus

Brave the depths of the fungal network beneath Ardenweald with a group of 5-10 players, where 1-2 of members of your group are accosters randomly selected to try to kill you! Communication is key when you don’t know who to trust, and everyone sounds like they’re lying at all times, especially when they don’t speak up. Who’s the accoster? Don’t kick the wrong person!

New Profession: Sea Shanty Singing

A successful stage singer said she’d savor some songs sung in a straightforward style. Simple solution: score the several significant schemes surrounding so many societies sans substance with satisfying strains of soulful sounds about sailing from sunrise to sunset. Seek and speak to your Sea Shanty Sergeant in any sizeable city to start.

New Profession: Wand Vision

  • Developers’ note: While this is available to all classes, Wand Vision will only really make sense to you if you’ve seen and remember small details from most of our other content over the last 15 years.

A study in empowering yourself, Wand Vision gives you the ability to re-cast your spells, and it also allows you to steal someone else’s best ability to use as your own. Starting in black-and-white, and then later moving to color, Wand Vision causes everything that drops for you to always have best-in-slot stats. Unfortunately, after some time, you have to come back to reality. There are rules in life. We can’t rush aging just because it’s convenient, and we can’t reverse death.

But what is loot, if not RNG persevering?

New Covenant: Definitely-not-Drust

[Producer’s note: we need to come up with a final name for this.]

New Micro-Holidays

  • Beach Vacation to Die For: Spring Break in the Shadowlands
  • Ll f Th Vwls Hv Gn Mssng Dy
  • International Popular Item Day Made Up Entirely for Social Media Day
  • Tell Us You ____ Without Telling Us You ____ Day
  • Day that No One Dies For a Whole Day Because Everyone is Super Careful
  • The Micro-holiday That Ends Before You’re

Changes

Covenants
  • The Wild Hunt is now 115% more wild and needs to see a barber.
  • Seed of Corruption can now be planted in the Queen’s Conservatory. You monster.
  • The Court of Harvesters now all get started chorin’ an hour earlier thanks to daylight saving time. Pitter patter.
  • Added a new drink served at the Ember Court: Jungle Juice, an amalgamation of the venthyr’s finest, served in solo cups. Sure to knock you off your feet.
  • The Undying Army’s total power has been reduced by 5%, after they beat the Undying Navy in 4 of their last 5 matchups.
  • Plague Deviser Marileth has been hard at work coming up with new Necrolord slime-based companions, such as Jelly Frog, Jelly Horse, Jelly Duck, and of course, Jelly Nathanos Blightcaller.
  • The Ascended have been forced to stop ascending and try falling through their own shimmering circles in the sky if they need that done so badly. Sheesh!

The Maw
  • Ve’nari now has several new levels of reputation available for you to earn:
    • Unconvinced
    • Uneasy
    • Inconclusive
    • Sus
    • Caught Feelings
  • The Eye of the Jailer now scales up to a new level of danger: Just Die Already.
  • Fixed a bug that allowed some players to go whitewater rafting in the River of Souls. That was super insensitive, guys.

Classes

Death Knight
  • Anti-magic Shell now comes in strawberry, caramel, and sugar-free varieties.
  • Defile damage doubled in one dungeon, making it de-better to de-use in De Other Side.
  • New talent: The Winter Winds. We still don’t know what it’s about yet, but the guy who’s been creating this talent for almost ten years says you have our formal written permission to imprison him on an island if it’s not done by next summer.
  • Fixed a bug where certain drinks cancelled Red Thirst. Once again, Red Thirst cannot be quenched by any mortal beverage.

Demon Hunter
  • Night Fae and Kyrian Demon Hunters who’ve been telling all their friends back on Azeroth that of course they went Venthyr or Necrolord are now provided with some cosmetic items to help sell the story.
  • The Slayer’s Felbroken Shrieker mount has been adjusted, and now provides 50% less shrieking. Don’t worry, it’s still alarmingly shrieky.
  • The Master of the Glaive talent now makes you 300% more smug toward anyone who has the audacity to come to you for help.

Druid
  • Rake no longer smacks you in the face when you step on it.
  • Innervate has been innovated on, and it now emanates an intimate condensate to mitigate the desolate desiccant before you dehydrate. 2 charges.
  • New returning talent: Encroaching Vines. We really thought we completely removed this last autumn, but it keeps coming back on that one sunny side of the wall.

Hunter
  • Combining Cobra Shot with the Spitting Cobra and Killer Cobra talents now motivates you to re-open a controversial karate dojo in the San Fernando Valley.
  • Born to Be Wild now makes you fire all of your guns at once and explode into space.
  • Hunters who take both Skinning and Leatherworking now grow an extra-long and luxurious beard that really turns heads when you go to town.

Mage
  • No changes needed.

Monk
  • Ring of Peace now ejects unwanted enemies 250% more violently, in order to maintain peace so hard.
  • Fixed an issue that could cause Storm, Earth and Fire to not require any further fixing.
  • Implemented a new size enhancement feature for gnome monks so that when they engage a tauren monk in a fight, everyone else in the battleground is less likely to stop and take video that might go viral.

Paladin
  • Blinding Light’s disorient duration increased to 8 hours to better correspond with the fact that I can’t sleep until I feel your touch.
  • Repentance now forces an enemy to meditate and do hot yoga, incapacitating them for 1 minute and making them feel sore all over the next day.
  • Rebuke can now only be cast after you’ve first successfully cast Buke on your enemy.
  • Final Reckoning keeps being used over and over, so we’ve changed its name to Yet More Reckoning.

Priest
  • Power Infusion now exclusively targets Survival Hunters.
  • If no Survival Hunters are in your group, Power Infusion is applied to a “random” friendly target.
  • When Power Infusion “randomly” goes to a tank three times in a row, you are now comforted by the voice of Xal’atath whispering to you about ancient evils or something.

Rogue
  • The Pick Lock ability will now correctly choose the nearest appropriate Warlock.
  • Sub Rogues now have a cute little underwater boat that perfectly fits the sub lifestlye.
  • Loaded Dice can now be properly unloaded for safe storage.
  • Combat Potency has been renamed Outlaw Potency. We’re not sure how we missed this one.
  • Restless Blades have been properly hydrating and exercising and are really starting to get their sleep schedule back on track.
  • Fixed a bug that caused Relentless Strikes to sometimes inadvertently Relent.

Shaman
  • All shamans can now go by shamen or shaman. “Shamens” is still incorrect.
  • Venthyr shamans are now provided with a unique therapeutic questline to help them deal with the cognitive dissonance of their Covenant choice.
  • Surge of Power increased by 15% to keep up with advances in GFCI technology.
  • Enhancement shamen who eat a lot of cooked vegetables are no longer allowed to select the Forceful Winds or Elemental Blast talents.

Warlock
  • Vile Taint. That’s it. That’s the patch note.
  • Doom has been redesigned as the best point-and-click adventure of the year.
  • Several new Curses have been added:
    • Curse of Ambience: The target repeatedly demands that you listen to something that they insist is “music” but it’s just an hour of whale sounds at 5% speed.
    • Curse of Procrastination: The target will still totally attack you, they just need to take a nap first. Oh, and actually, there’s a new episode of a show they’ve been watching coming out tonight. Is tomorrow good? Or maybe let’s just make it next week.
    • Curse of Dankness: The target emits an awkward, musty smell, and becomes slightly damp. Moist, even.
    • Curse of Curse of Dankness: Forces the target to read the previous patch note a second time.
  • After years of feedback on this, at last, Warlocks can pet their felhunter and tell him he’s the goodest boi. 13/10.

Warrior
  • War Machine has finally stopped blaming itself for what happened to Tony.
  • Frothing Berserker is now 80% frothier.
  • Revenge, it turns out, is actually best served with a nice sear and some lemon.
  • Sweeping Strikes have now finished their union negotiations and are back to Sweeping.
  • Thunder Clap no longer requires the Warrior to be dummy thicc.

WoW Classic

  • Due to the popularity of world buffs in WoW Classic, we’re introducing a whole new line of highly valuable stat uppers that you won’t want to play without! In addition to Rallying Cry of the Dragonslayer, Warchief’s Blessing, Spirit of Zandalar, Songflower Serenade, Mol’dar’s Moxie, Slip’kik’s Savvy, and Fengus’ Ferocity, you can now collect:
    • Sanction of Varimathras
    • Blackmoss’s Black Moss
    • The Underwater Mandate
    • Innkeeper’s New Inn Grand Opening Dedication
    • Magnus Frostwake’s Magnificent Lost Rake
  • Any player who manages to enter a raid on a PvP realm with all 12 of the above buffs intact will receive a special bonus world buff: The World Buff to End All World Buffs (+5 to Spirit).
This article was originally published in forum thread: World of Warcraft Patch 9.0.5.0.5 started by Lumy View original post
Comments 119 Comments
  1. Duneczan's Avatar
    Ya'll moanin' and groanin' about 'bad game, bad comments, bad fake patch notes, uncreative patch notes, why did they waste our time patch notes, the sky is blue and the moon is falling'. Me? I just want to pet my felhunter and tell him he's a goodboi.

    Who's a goodboi, Neejhom is. Yes he is, such a good boy.
  1. Chilela's Avatar
    Ironically, the Classic section is probably the most akin to the original 2006 April Fool's patch notes (as well as the second 2011 iteration), which were more satire of game mechanics than pop culture references and puns. I can dig it.
  1. JSoup's Avatar
    You know, I never thought about it before, but a dungeon taking place in the mushroom network tunnels sounds pretty fun.
  1. Cloudmaker's Avatar
    Mage. No changes needed. Ok! So You guys just admited you like us the most!
  1. kaintk's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by MrLachyG View Post
    I mean jokes aside that’s quite literally completely false
    they spend a raid for those april joke
  1. MrLachyG's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by kaintk View Post
    they spend a raid for those april joke
    sure buddy. whatever you say
  1. blankfaced's Avatar
    Considering they literally don't change mages ever, to the point where they even ignore broken talents for months on end, that's pretty low to make it a joke.
  1. alturic's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Biomega View Post
    This really isn't all that funny. The joke patchnote shtick has really gotten stale after a decade of doing effectively the same thing.

    Boring.
    Randomly hit MMO-C today just to see what they put out, and I gotta say there used to be actual effort put into it, sometimes including models and everything.

    So as an outsider who didn't buy my first expansion in years, yea definitely stopped putting any amount of effort into it. Hell, I remember when they didn't even make it completely obvious it was a joke.
  1. MrLachyG's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by alturic View Post
    Randomly hit MMO-C today just to see what they put out, and I gotta say there used to be actual effort put into it, sometimes including models and everything.

    So as an outsider who didn't buy my first expansion in years, yea definitely stopped putting any amount of effort into it. Hell, I remember when they didn't even make it completely obvious it was a joke.
    I mean everyone kinda expects it now, so instead of actually trying to fool people they can go full tilt ridiculous which makes for a better joke.
  1. Asrialol's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by sch1ntus View Post
    Less time spent writing these April's fools jokes, and more time fixing the game.
    This guy right here is the perfect example of the average mmoc poster. And wow player. Average.
  1. Niwes's Avatar
    meh. creativity is nowadays not was it once was at Blizz HQ. they did better in past. nonetheless a solid 5/10 for the invested „effort“.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Quote Originally Posted by alturic View Post
    Randomly hit MMO-C today just to see what they put out, and I gotta say there used to be actual effort put into it, sometimes including models and everything.

    So as an outsider who didn't buy my first expansion in years, yea definitely stopped putting any amount of effort into it. Hell, I remember when they didn't even make it completely obvious it was a joke.
    yep, thats EXACTLY the point. in a time when its not obvious that its a joke, it was funny. Modern ATVI Blizzard is that „funny“ that they even have to explain their jokes.

    to me it feels Blizzard solely do stuff for 10-12 year old kids or braindead ppl. since years. when this company became so full of such low expectations ???
  1. cocomen2's Avatar
    Even in joke , shaman notes feels like nerf.
  1. Ermelloth's Avatar
    Pre-nerf Moonkin "Сonvoke the Spirits" going into live in PvP would be a better April fools joke than any of this...

    Oh wait. It actually went live.
  1. rarhyx's Avatar
    why is wowhead's april fools better than blizzards...?
    I mean the first or second time with those "patchnotes" it was actually cool and funny but they just dont even try anymore...
  1. Daan's Avatar
    I don't know if I should laugh or cry when Blizzard is making an April fool about their known balancing issues.
  1. dope_danny's Avatar
    "haha amogus rite??, we understand you fellow young people! please bring your parents back"
  1. Monkeymootwo's Avatar
    I love that Blizzard can’t even do an April Fool’s joke without people getting their panties in a bunch. You guys need bigger problems in your lives...
  1. cozzri's Avatar
    When the joke patch notes sound more fun than what they actually give us....
  1. kodemonkee's Avatar
    Warlock
    Vile Taint. That’s it. That’s the patch note.
    Good one :-D

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