Mom cheated on dad

[Xl House lX]

Alright, I woke up this morning with my dad sitting next to me and when he saw I was awake he had me read an email on my mom's tablet. Showing that she is cheating on him and everything. Well he calls her while shes at work and she told him it's over.
Now i'm 17 this is my senior year in high school and this is really going to throw me off my school work. I don't know what to do I don't know what to think
any advice?

It means 2 Christmases. No, I know this is serious business for you. Just keep on keepin man. Your mom and dad will still love you as much as they do now, and don't let this make you hate your mom. Yes what she did was bad, but lets face it everyone needs their mom.

I'm sorry this happened to you bro, but the older you get the less it'll bother you how your parents are doing. 5 years ago if you asked me how I would react if my parents divorced I'd probably cry cause I thought it meant something bad for me, or maybe it was my fault. Ask me now, and I'll tell you that if it makes both of my parents happier, then they should go for it.

Don't let this ruin your life.

[Ragedaug]

that's a hell of an assumption, and completely unsupported by any info in the OP. my mom and dad split when i was 4... care to place a bet on which tried to paint the other negatively?

I would agree that both men and women can be negatively manipulative to their own children. That's why I tend to agree with the father showing the email to the kid prior to acting on it. It's much more difficult to manipulate the kid with the unspun truth in their hands.

[Lockon Stratos]

I'm sorry OP, this is all my fault. I shouldn't have slept with her...


Infracted.

This kind of joke isn't appropriate.

[Ragedaug]

You can disagree all you like. The fact of the matter remains that a marriage, and it's problems, are between TWO people. The children born of that marriage don't need (nor likely, WANT) to know of the particulars that resulted in the decline. Obviously, if the OP had decided at some point down the road to ask, that's one thing. But it's wrong to involve your children in the heat of the moment when emotions are running high. Bottom line, dad made a selfish and immature decision in showing that email to the OP. Let's hope that's the only time it happens.

I will use that permission to also disagree with you. I think the kids vitally want to know what happened to cause their security bubble to burst. And while people are noting time heals all wounds and you grow calluses to protect from the separation so that over time you are OK with it, I don't think I've heard of any kid who wasn't devastated upon hearing the initial news that daddy and mommy are getting divorced.

Throwing up this "kids don't need to know why mommy and daddy are breaking up, 'cause it's none of their business" is, for a lack of a better word, complete BS. Neither parent is impacted the way the kid(s) are.

[Lovecrafts]

I'm sorry OP, this is all my fault. I shouldn't have slept with her...


Infracted.

This kind of joke isn't appropriate.

Looks like you touched a nerve that was too close to home
AH well, you made me laugh

[Kaneth]

Like others have said. Try not to take sides, although that will be hard. However, as much as this will effect you, try to focus on your own life as much as possible. Focus on schoolwork, your friends, and whatever other activities you find enjoyable. You are 17, basically an adult, and this will be a rough lesson in life. You can learn from your parents mistakes, and be a better person for it too. It may sound corny, but find another trusted adult to rely on too, like a grandparent, family friend, uncle/aunt, etc. They can advise you with more objectivity, yet are still emotionally invested in your well being.

Most of all, you can get through this. It most likely won't be pretty, and it's going to be hard as hell, but you can come out of this stronger and wiser than before.

[holyevil44]

i hate divorce happen to me and since i don't want that to happen to me i will prob never have a child, just to add it all my 4 sister divorced less than a year after they got a child so i guess it runs in the family

[Ragedaug]

i hate divorce happen to me and since i don't want that to happen to me i will prob never have a child, just to add it all my 4 sister divorced less than a year after they got a child so i guess it runs in the family

I don't think it's as simple as that. I think the values of the "non-cheating" parent can influence corrective behavior in the kids. My anecdotal evidence is someone I know is 1 of 4 children who grew up in a broken home. Of those 4 children, 3 have never been divorced and have been in long term happy marriages. There is no doom automatically forecast on a child from a broken family. The child can make their own choice, often as a result of their parent's breakup, to make divorce in their own marriage non-optional.

[Deleted]

I know why your dad did what he did - because if he didn't and tried to be the "bigger man" he'd have just left without explanation and your mum would've done what most single mothers do - just paint a shitty picture of him being a fail father.

Good on your dad for showing you exactly why he was leaving.

[Deleted]

Meh you got it easy, my mom ran off to wales with my step dad now i live in a hostel. i am now Bi-polar and have serious anxiety issues, my advice is to just carry on and not let it bother you.

[Holes]

There were most likely issues before if your mom is throwing away a marriage, cheating or not. Though, cheating is probably the worst way to end things. The way your dad let you know is probably also the worst way to tell a kid. No parenting medals coming from me in this case.

If their marriage falling apart is news, then they probably kept it quiet for your sake. You're 17, basically an adult. You still have both parents, they just won't like each other in front of you. They probably didn't like each other before, but were playing pretend to keep a happy household or w/e.

Life goes on, there will be drama, just deal with it the best you can. School counselors work, and they get you out of class. My parents split up when I was young, and I found it best to stay as neutral as possible. Try to be fair, if you have a good relationship with both parents.

I'm a quiet guy, but sometimes you need to tell them what you want. They will both have different opinions on pretty much everything, and instead of asking you what you want they will just fight about what the other parent thinks is right.

[Sicarus]

I'm told by everyone, including my parents, that I don't care, and I'm best friends with apathy. That's just entirely not true, they ask how can I live with myself. I'm not the best person in the world, in fact I'm actually pretty shitty. But it does hurt, and I understand your pain. Just, don't think about it, don't let it get to you. Not a single person is innocent, remember that. But also remember, not everyone meant to do it. Your father loves you deeply, your mother is questionable. Get past it and leave it behind as quickly as you can.

[Gheld]

my advice is: don't let it bother you. your mom will always be your mom. your dad will always be your dad. they don't have to be together to be your parents.

also, don't follow your mom's example. cheating is bad. if you don't like your partner anymore, just break up. betraying someone's trust is the worst thing you could ever do.

As somebody who went through all of this, and at the same age; it should fucking bother you and you shouldn't pretend it doesn't. Unfortunately your parents will start bad mouthing each other to you; and it will probably piss you off because you probably love them both. Just make sure they know it upsets you.

They'll probably also make a half hearted attempt to reconcile 'for the children' which will end up being a hellish experience. The divorce itself will be an obnoxious and condescending experience; your parents will probably forget that you're old enough to understand; and at times they'll use you as a listening ear to cry into.

My best honest piece of advice would be to start a relationship with a chick who has divorced parents ( and lives with her mother) and spend all your free time at her place.

[mink4i]

There's always 2 sides of a story.... I wouldn't be just that quick with judgement. There could very well be reasons that drove her into that situation.
Cheating is usually just that, a cheat. something happens, but it usually ends as quick as it started, if not faster. Apparently mom wants to end the marriage.
And that's rather an indicator that there are other issues. Usually... I say that now again.. USUALLY, mothers sacrifice almost everything for their children.
It's super safe to say that 99 out of 100 women will remain in a dysfunctional marriage just because of the kids.

Dysfunctional.. I am pretty convinced that the father is a douche bag. He has ZERO business digging in his wife's email. That is her private sphere and even marriage doesn't make that invalid. I would never ever dig into my woman's stuff... Hell, I hand her the purse when she needs something out of it. I refuse to open it and take anything out of there, even if she is right next to me, and could see what I do.
Additionally, telling the kids about a break up has to happen. No question. But not THAT way. That's a no go, period.
What ever happens between a man and a woman is their deal. Keep them kids out of it, and stop playing the guilt trip game, trying to lure the kids on either side.
That's bullshit, that's a no go....

And I say that as a parent, as a married man, who went through a divorce before. No, cheating was not a reason. But we have a kid too. And his well being trumps the couples inability to continue the relationship. Hence why I consider the father a douche... Dunno how much it factors into the marriage breakup and her decision, but I can see it as significant.
He certainly did a great job throwing his kid into an emotional turmoil...

First off sorry for this happening to you and despite the pain your father is feeling from this discovery he has no business sharing that part of his relationship or burdening you with it. It's his mistake which I am sure he will regret in the future-- again its been done but thats okay. So now you know-- what do? Well I'm sure its shocking to be confronted with something like that so you probably wont know exactly how you feel about it for some time butin the short term I would reccomend something along the following lines:

Make a point to express to both your parents that despite their differences you love them, but would (likely) prefer not to have their intimate issues on your shoulders. It's not selfish to make certain you are taken care of and you are old enough now to start doing that as both your parents are likely going to be consumed with their own issues to be too terribly worried about how it is going to affect your entire family dynamic not just each other. I would also do just that-- take care of yourself.

That means getting up in the morning and knowing that no matter what both your parents love you, have always loved you and will always love you. And that this happening doesn't mean they don't care about themselves. We don't have very much information of how they have appeared to you recently (fighting etc) but it's likely there have been problems for some time and they can be worked on-- even if the conclusion is that your parents do end up divorced. This means doing your school work and taking care of yourself and making sure that you don't take your parents problems into your own. This is an important part of your life and if you push through all the things you are feeling and strive to move forward with your life even with all of this happening you will be better off in the end.

But please make sure you make it a point to consider both sides of the story when your parents attempt to talk about their relationship with you. It appears that your dad is either unable to cope with the fact that your mom has been cheating or he has that little regard for your personal well being which would be invariably worse but ultimately more understandable. It's easy to see how that kind of action could be a part of why you're parents relationship isnt exactly working at this time. But even if they do divorce you are still you-- they are still each other-- all of you do love each other in some way and things have a way of working out for the better as long as you try to be positive. Only you can make it through this it has to come from you :3

And i'm sure you can do it. Best of luck and don't forget to stand up for YOURSELF!

[dokilar]

i was a year out of high school when my folks divorced but my brother was only 16 and it fucked him up pretty bad for a few years. i guess i was old enough to understand that despite my parents no longer being married in the end they were ultimately still my parents. i love them both and respect them both. my brother followed in my footsteps and joined the army after he graduated and it fortunately straightened him out.

like i said i was out of high school so i cant really give any advice other than just try and not let it effect your school work, assuming your going to college. while im not going to say not be angry with your mom i wouldnt harbor any hate towards her. she is and always will be your mom and people make mistakes. i would also recommend being supportive of your dad as something like being cheated on can be rather hard to deal with.

all of this is easier said than done no doubt so i suggest you also surround yourself with friends. i found out going thru my own divorce a few years ago that being around people who cared about me often kept me from thinking about it 24/7

[TheBeardedOne]

your mums a slut and your dad is a ball less whimp.
Both your parents are setting terrible examples for you. Your mum is saying cheating is alright. Your father is showing been shat on is all right and playing petty games is ok when he should have been kicking her out and explaining why he did this. Good luck, your life will be awkward and fucked up till you live in your own place

[Divineknight13]

it truly sucks but i can feel your pain i went through the same thing when i was about 15 ... 2 years of having screaming / fighting parents at both ends of the hall while my room is right in the middle

try not to let it get you down and focus on school ... if its really too much it helps to talk it out with someone you trust about the situation

[Deleted]

no blah blah....
Almost every post in here is pulling the blame card and put the cheater stamp on the mother.....
I wonder how many of you smarty pants are actually married, have been married, and or have kids?

Maybe, just maybe, Mom was to end the relationship all along, but was going to do it in a rather calm and rational way??
Cheating does not overrule the bullshit the father pulled here.....
1. Getting into his wife's personal belongings is brutal mistrust, and a severe breach thereof. Apparently she trusted him enough to leave her things for him to take.
2. The dragging of the child into it, by even trying to pull him onto his own side is disgusting.
Any sane parent will tell you that. any sane parent will always put the kids above anything else.

But keep dragging the mother down..... If you like doing that, and it makes you feel better.....
I hope for you, you will never end up in such situation. And for your kids, if you ever have any.

---------- Post added 2013-01-02 at 03:17 PM ----------

of which he had no knowledge until he breached into her private sphere.....

Cheating: Messing around with others, while pretending to be in a faithful relationship.

Having a new relationship, and moving on is hardly called cheating.. It's being done with the current partner.
There's no law, nor moral requirements to not start a new relationship before a marriage comes to divorce or separation.

Could have, should have, would have. Cheating is indefensible and is the cowards/childs/immature morons way out. Adults handle their problems or break up BEFORE fucking other things. You defending it does say something about you though.