How do I decide between my husband and my boyfriend

[Karaoke]

Are you the same person now that you were 10 years ago? Do you want the same things? Have the same needs? Do you think you'll be the same as you are now in another 10 years? Good relationships change and grow together because the people talk about these things as they happen. They either agree to work on them together or they don't. You can't predict things that far ahead.

I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago, but I had the same values and understood the importance of communication in a relationship that I do today. And I looked for a partner that had the same values.

If you don't know the person you're with has those same values (values don't really change much after your 20s/early 30s from my experience) then DON'T GET MARRIED.

I won't even pretend that divorce could never happen for me (anything is possible) but if you don't see the warning signs well before (going back to the importance of communication in a relationship) and make the conscious decision to rectify the problem you're not doing marriage right.

[RobertoCarlos]

All i know is that it wasn't me that cheated. You will obviously put this down to a failure from me to "satisfy my woman" or something equally sophomoric.

Thats two words Ive learned from you today. Sophomoric and hypergamy

[Tennis]

Anyone wonder from whence and why Tennis trawls up these random-ass The View-type articles?

This is from the top Canadian newspaper. How is it random?

[buck008]

I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago, but I had the same values and understood the importance of communication in a relationship that I do today. And I looked for a partner that had the same values.

If you don't know the person you're with has those same values (values don't really change much after your 20s/early 30s from my experience) then DON'T GET MARRIED.

I won't even pretend that divorce could never happen for me (anything is possible) but if you don't see the warning signs well before (going back to the importance of communication in a relationship) and make the conscious decision to rectify the problem you're not doing marriage right.

I think it's silly to pretend that anything is permanent. I'm not saying that we should make decisions on a whim, but I am saying that marriage is only sacramental if you are religious. Otherwise, it isn't some sacred institution. Up until 100 years ago, marriage was for political gain or to pass on inheritance. It's not as if it is this ancient tradition of love and commitment. I'm saying that if getting married will make you happy, then do it. But you should go into it knowing that you and your partner want similar things and are willing to try to make it work. If you are ever in the relationship because you feel obligated to a commitment you made and no other reason, you need to split.

[Tommi]

I shall file this thread under the "Who the fuck cares?" category.

[Karaoke]

All i know is that it wasn't me that cheated. You will obviously put this down to a failure from me to "satisfy my woman" or something equally sophomoric.

All we know is that they made the decision to be in a relationship with you, then made the decision to cheat. If you want to break this down:

They were committed when they decided to be in a relationship, however you're not sure how 'serious' that commitment was. Whether or not that commitment meant something to them is up for debate. I would argue their commitment level was up to you do uncover.

They were committed, let's pretend it was serious. Yes, serious means not cheating. If they were this committed in the initial commitment, then something changed in the relationship. What could that be?

Maybe they fooled you in their level of commitment. In all honesty, this happens, learn and move on.
If they were truly committed, most likely a problem surfaced in the relationship that changed their level of commitment to the point where they decided to cheat. Communication is key here in preventing relationships reaching this point.

Relationships are complicated but labeling the entire opposite sex as the problem isn't the root cause.

[Deleted]

Life with her husband is familiar, and predictable, she doesn't want to do anything permanent to risk losing the easy option. That's not love if you ask me. Even if the relationship is bad in part due to the other person, that never excuses the weak will of someone who refuses to take responsibility for themselves and end the relationship before becoming a cheater.

[Karaoke]

I think it's silly to pretend that anything is permanent. I'm not saying that we should make decisions on a whim, but I am saying that marriage is only sacramental if you are religious. Otherwise, it isn't some sacred institution. Up until 100 years ago, marriage was for political gain or to pass on inheritance. It's not as if it is this ancient tradition of love and commitment. I'm saying that if getting married will make you happy, then do it. But you should go into it knowing that you and your partner want similar things and are willing to try to make it work. If you are ever in the relationship because you feel obligated to a commitment you made and no other reason, you need to split.

I agree with everything you said, but I believe we disagree on the level of when it's time to split. When half (or whatever the current divorce rate is) of the people who decide to make that commitment end up breaking said commitment, it seriously points to not enough consideration, etc. into the decision. I believe the OP post is a prime example of this.

[Moon-Man]

Yeah what a weak-willed woman. Incapable of making any decision.

Not looking good for Women in general. These type of action leads women to misery.

[Super Kami Dende]

I didn't say she was perfect. You said she was weak and unfit for marriage and the rest of your post suggested marriage should be this permanent arrangement. It isn't. Also, you are putting all the blame for the failed relationship on her because she cheated and you don't like that. I get it, and she's in the wrong for cheating. But the relationship was dead before she cheated. They both have some blame there.

Incorrect. Since she chose to Cheat instead of first leaving her Husband.

[Deleted]

sucking another man's dick who has a 5year old child while pressuring the man into counselling. GG, fuck those women.

doesnt matter what the husband will do or how he will change, shit's fucking over anyway.

the "best" part, this hoe thinks that she has the opportunity to decide anything.
- "Dump" her boss? GG, job's gone too. i bet she hasnt thought about that one.
- she thinks she can make some kind of cut, dumb her "boss" and stay with her husband WITHOUT ANY REMORSE. only her "feelings" matter.
the most funny part is, that the husband has once thought, that this woman is the best human being he ever met.

what a fucking joke, this always reminds me of how i have to treat woman. as the piece of shit they are, until they prove me wrong.

sad world.

[shadowmouse]

This is from the top Canadian newspaper. How is it random?

Because it is some advice for the lovelorn column, who knows if it is even real! Whatever the newspaper might be, advice columns are about six steps below World Weekly News.

[Granyala]

I find this response interesting. She's bitchy if she wants to actually see her significant other? I mean, my relationship went through a patch where one of us was working early and one of us was late and we were both fucking miserable. I saw her at the door twice a day. You can't keep up a relationship like that and we worked it out. We did that because we actually talked to each other and cared what the other thought. But, in your mind, if someone has an issue with the relationship, then they are just being a bitch. Got it.

If you read the text of the OP and extrapolate from what you read to the personality of the one that wrote it, I seriously doubt that the couple had an adult conversation about the issue.
I wouldn't abandon, let alone betray the person I love, just because I don't get to see her as much as I'd like to for a finite amount of time.
Does it suck, not having as much active time with a loved one? Absolutely. Keep in mind: this was a TEMPORARY situation. According to the text, both partners knew that.

So yeah I do think the was overly needy for attention and probably was pretty pissed (and displayed the appropriate female behavior) when he couldn't deliver enough attention. Which is pretty infantile behavior.

- - - Updated - - -

I don’t agree, especially if it’s just for sex. The blame falls on the person doing the cheating.

There is such a thing as temptation and associated with that is a limited resistance that varies from person to person.
My actions have consequences. A person might be able to initially resist my advances but I can make it harder for her to do so.

At that point, I too would be to blame because I ultimately exerted pressure, trying to coerce/mold another human being into sth it clearly didn't want.

Analogy would be an instigation to a criminal act.
The main blame lies on the person committing the crime, absolutely, but (at least here in Germany) instigators face consequences as well.

[prwraith]

This is the worst kind of woman.

Oh my husband is working to better himself and the short term is gonna be a little less than ideal. Fuck him.

[Kasierith]

There's no constructive discussion to be had from this as demonstrated by the discussion so far, so I'm going to go ahead and close this.