Will my girlfriend stop loving me if I earn less than her?

[Tennis]

The dilemma

At 34, I’ve paid off my mortgage and have a couple of years’ salary in savings. I’ve recently been promoted, but am working very long hours, don’t have much time in the evenings and spend my weekends worrying about the work. I’m not sleeping well and partly due to Crohn’s disease have lost weight. I earn £46k, which is far more than I ever expected (or feel I deserve) to earn. My girlfriend of almost a year is 33 and the love of my life, and I hope we will have a baby in around three years’ time. I’ve been offered a public sector job with a wonderful work-life balance but reduced salary (£36k) and had decided to take this and spend the next three or so years doing all the things I/we want to before having children, as well as improving my health. During a conversation about this potential change, my girlfriend told me that she earns £45k. I am not in the slightest bit chauvinistic about earning more than her, but need to feel that the choice I’m making is not selfish. I worry about not contributing enough and riding on her coattails. Changing to a lower-paying job might suggest I am lacking ambition and also have a negative impact on our relationship.

Mariella replies
How timely. You’ve offered up a refreshing view of the equal pay discussion by articulating the psychological side-effects and other potential impacts on the male psyche. There’s no point throwing our hands in the air and saying, “Who cares about men?” With all the gender-related issues of the past tumultuous 12 months, we really need to work together or it will all just have been noise. No social revolution has achieved its goals without the participation of both sexes. What makes men feel uncomfortable is entirely relevant; unaddressed, our relationships suffer and friction enters all our lives. I don’t blame all men for historical and continuing inequity between the sexes. Instead I’m increasingly convinced that to make the world a more equal place we really need to haul our mates from the opposite sex on to the bandwagon. That means listening as well as talking.

With the debate continuing to rage about equal pay for equal work, it’s interesting to receive this glimpse from the male side of the story. Not a missive from one of the self-proclaimed masters of the universe who deem themselves worth the extra bucks because they have different genitalia, but from a seemingly decent, well-meaning and emancipated man. You’ve certainly got it all mapped out, and impressively so. Paying off your mortgage by the age of 34 is for many an elusive goal and I daresay it involved personal sacrifices. Yet happily here you are only a decade into real adulthood having bought yourself the opportunity to make choices. There is nothing that reaps greater dividends. Your financial management has also brought the possibility of bringing children into the world with the security of a roof over their heads. What a fantastic place in which to start your life together. Yet despite all this blue sky thinking it took just a £1k differential to crush your dreams.

I can’t believe it’s the case, but you almost sound disappointed about your girlfriend’s healthy salary, as though it’s forced you to reconsider your life’s plans. How is it that we can we have both feet on the ground in this modern world and still act as though we’re floating in an entirely different universe? The only difference between you two is your sex, so why would it not to be possible to sustain a relationship where she was the bigger wage earner? The alternative is to admit that because you are male you need to occupy that territory or fail.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeands...-dear-mariella

Interesting dilemma here for sure.
Obviously it's great that he is choosing a job for work life balance but it ends up with her being the breadwinner really. I'm not sure how that would play with her friends and family.

He's hoping to have kids by the time he is 40. What if the relationship falls apart though..

Infracted

[united]

he’s 34 and has the mental capacity of a 15 year old dating for the first time.

he could try communicating with his SO. that’s too complicated for him though, he’ll just beg for attention in the guardian.

[Techno-Druid]

Maybe if she's petty.

[Nnyco]

yes, as soon as you just earn 1£ less than her, she will leave you

[Darkeon]

It's kinda like the "Size doesn't matter" saying. OF COURSE money isn't important to a relationship, nor do women tend to gravitate to richer\powerful men.

[Deleted]

LOL, what kind of a thread is this? This is a joke, right?

[Doctor Amadeus]

I’d think the moment the woman I love becomes competition rather than being on the same team then it’s time to end the relationship.

[schwarzkopf]

No, but she will stop loving you if you ask immature questions about her in public forums.

[Logwyn]

If the GF only cares about money then time to find someone else..... If you are living comfortably and the life style you like is where you are going to be making then eh who give a crap if she makes more than you. If that really matters to her once again she isn't worth it time to move on...

[CaseyR1982]

34 and Mortgage paid off? Clearly money isn't really an issue. You've already beat that game, so pick health, wellbeing, and worklife balance and enjoy yourself. 46,000 isn't worth killing yourself for in this situation. Neither of you are high powered earners, so I would laugh at a partner who felt that taking the cut would diminish you. I definitely wouldn't have kids with her if she did feel that way.

[CarlingBlackLabel]

Surely she will. She'll first cheat on you and then end the relationship completely as you're now inferior to her in every way and are surplus to requirements. Happy Valentine's Day!



Just kidding of course!

[Halyon]

Lel. If she does, she wasn't really worth keeping around.

[Deleted]

36k

OMEGALUL

the money you have left to buy food, will be the shittiest food ever, aka GL on that crohns

you don't know if a work-balance in a new job is good. if they pay you that amount less, i would ask myself "WHY??"

just find a new job with better money, you should atleast find something that pays you as much as before

[Moon-Man]

The girl will ditch him. Women do not date Men who earn less than the woman. Well, only Beta Males, if "that's" a good thing for you.

As long as you earn the big bucks, women likely to never leave you, but quick to leave you once you lose that income. Women are attracted to money.

[Tennis]

Lel. If she does, she wasn't really worth keeping around.

He's not getting any younger. He wants to have kids. It's not easy to just drop a relationship and then find a perfect match right after.

[Moralgy]

Dudes, seriously, you gotta stop worrying about being the "breadwinner". You(the guys that worry about this) are the only one in the relationship that really gives a single shit. The only women I have ever heard say anything in that area are worried their husband/bf would be upset if they earned more, not that it actually bothered them personally.

[Palapop]

Why don't you ask her?
Do we look like your girlfriend?

[Deleted]

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeands...-dear-mariella

Interesting dilemma here for sure.
Obviously it's great that he is choosing a job for work life balance but it ends up with her being the breadwinner really. I'm not sure how that would play with her friends and family.

He's hoping to have kids by the time he is 40. What if the relationship falls apart though..

Hmm there certainly still is huge social pressure for a man to earn as much as they can in life no matter by he sacrifice but my advice to this guy would be do what makes him happy. 35k for a cushy job is fine and if ah e leaves him so what? Find a new woman who accepts what he wants to do and he's better off any way if she's really that petty.

The key to a happy life is to do what makes you happy.

[Moralgy]

The girl will ditch him. Women do not date Men who earn less than the woman. Well, only Beta Males, if "that's" a good thing for you.

As long as you earn the big bucks, women likely to never leave you, but quick to leave you once you lose that income. Women are attracted to money.

How in the world do guys like you make this shit up, seriously?

[Deleted]

If she does stop loving you for such a small reason, she was never worth it in the first place my friend. Happy Valentines day