Can you ever really get over self-hating tendencies?

[Claymore]

I am a very fortunate person in a lot of ways. I have one of the best friends someone could ever hope for, I've worked hard and finally landed an awesome job, and soon I'll be debt-free.

Yet, for my entire life, I've struggled with hating myself. Hating my appearance, that I don't stand up for myself more, how I never seem to be able to connect romantically with women (recognizing that it must be some flaw on my part)... The list goes on.

I'm a 30 year-old man, and I guess I just always thought by now, these things wouldn't bother me. It feels so weird to be a grown man, and still constantly battle these insecurities. In some ways, I probably come off as a "regular joe", maybe even a bit gruff, but other times, I just feel so, so fragile. I obsess over things I hate about myself, over my appearance, what kind of person I wish that I was... and even though my life has gotten worlds better the past few years, I still feel the same.

I wonder, have any of you ever struggled with these issues? Does it ever get better? I'm so terrified that I'm going to wind up sabotaging the only good things in my life, because I just can't seem to handle these emotions. And I also worry, having met a woman I feel I share a genuine connection with, that I'm going to fuck it up, either by being "unconfident/unsexy" or even "needy", hoping for someone who can fill the void that I feel has always been in my life.

[ZazuuPriest]

yeah its called growing the fuck up

somewhere along the line someone has failed you, probably your parents. you were probably taught that all of your feelings were valid and that you could do no wrong. Either that or you were abused. Either way... Get over yourself buddy

[Kathandira]

What helped me a lot was to not look for a relationship. I found that while I was seeking, I was being way too introspective. Once I stopped being concerned with it, I stopped being so concerned with being something someone would desire. Not long after I got a grip on that, and accepted myself for myself, is when love stumbled upon me.

I'm not saying this is some magic formula, but I do think the idea of not being concerned with being something I felt I should be helped me learn to love myself.

[Claymore]

yeah its called growing the fuck up

somewhere along the line someone has failed you, probably your parents. you were probably taught that all of your feelings were valid and that you could do no wrong. Either that or you were abused. Either way... Get over yourself buddy

I think it couldn't hurt to be a bit more specific. By most accounts, I "grew up" a lot earlier than most of my peers. I dropped out of school to help with bills in high school, and juggled three part-time jobs while taking care of my grandmother. As far as "feelings", I don't know I was taught much one way or the other; I just sort of 'did my own thing' growing up, our parents weren't all that involved.

[AeneasBK]

I'm not saying this is some magic formula, but I do think the idea of not being concerned with being something I felt I should be helped me learn to love myself.

It isn't a magic formula but it gets advised nearly every time a thread with this ones face on it crops up; so I'd agree there is a core of truth to it.

[Swalload]

Sounds like a perfect case of "you need to go out more" to me. I once was like that. At some point what I hated the most about myself is that I hated things about myself, so I decided to try to break myself. I went on and did a bunch of stupid shit. None of which I regret because I came out better and stronger. I'm not perfect, no one is, but I got rid of that part in my head that only slows you down and makes you worry about factually irrelevant things.

I'd suggest you go out and do things you don't normally do. Get on tinder or some shit, find a random date that you don't even expect to get anything out of, get rejected, see how it feels to hit the nerves of what terrifies you just to see how it's petty shitthat don't matter in reality. You'll feel much better after and confidence will come, you gotta get out there and face your fear head on. It will be terrifying, your stomach will do backflips and you think you'll puke but once it's over you'll be a new man.

[ZazuuPriest]

I think it couldn't hurt to be a bit more specific. By most accounts, I "grew up" a lot earlier than most of my peers. I dropped out of school to help with bills in high school, and juggled three part-time jobs while taking care of my grandmother. As far as "feelings", I don't know I was taught much one way or the other; I just sort of 'did my own thing' growing up, our parents weren't all that involved.

boo hoo you dont like your body, go to the gym, run and eat right learn discipline and suck it up
you cant talk to women or w.e your problem is ... better suck it up figure it out or be alone

you know most of the shit that everyone else figured out as 14 year old kids

[Doctor Amadeus]

Yes, but like with all things it takes practice, self hatings tendencies and the follies don't develop over night, so going the other direction also won't happen overnight.


The bigger question is do you really want to, and by me asking that it still doesn't mean you will, if a certain habit is ingrained into your mind, it won't be easy to change, hell it maybe next to impossible.

But if you seriously want any shot, you have to be able to answer that question first do you really want to stop your self hating tendencies?

Keep in mind as with life with good come the bad, and with the bad come some good, things you truly like which is why you are the way you are now. Because in order to change you really need to know who you are, totally, and then make a decision to CHANGE, and then take those steps, and have the presence of mind to do so.


Even then you will fail, but failure doesn't mean you have to keep failing, but you do need to stay committed and learn something each time you fail, get back to the habits that will lead you where you want to go.


So with that said yes you CAN, however is it likely? Not unless you really know you want to, and can make the commitment to doing what it takes to change your habits. In my opinion.

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boo hoo you dont like your body, go to the gym

Go to the gym and do what exactly? What if he doesn't have the kind of money for a membership?

run and eat right learn discipline and suck it up

What if this person thinks their arms are too short, or legs are too long, or that their face is hideous then what?

you cant talk to women or w.e your problem is ... better suck it up figure it out or be alone

Figure out what alone, that doesn't sound specific, like get some rope or something? Hire a professional? Or are you just spouting utter nonsense.

you know most of the shit that everyone else figured out as 14 year old kids

Such as yourself, so you haven't provided any specifics about what will help the OP?

[derpkitteh]

i'm sure people can get over it. how, idk, but i'm sure it's not impossible.

my personal issue is that i would feel like terrible person if i ever got over it. this is my personal penance, i deserve this.

[Tiwack]

Science, religion or philosophy. Mindfulness is a powerful tool to acknowledge and come to terms with yourself and your circumstances. Figuring out what works for you takes time but is worth exploring. Some find that they don't need to look further than e.g. yin and yang while some feel a need to go beyond that.

Summary from wiki: yin yang describes how seemingly opposite or contrary forces may actually be complementary, interconnected, and interdependent in the natural world, and how they may give rise to each other as they interrelate to one another.

[DesmondCreighton]

Look around you, there are gross looking people everywhere. Society wouldn't run without them. Its worthless for them to go around feeling sad about themselves all the time. If you want to stop hating yourself either change the thing you hate or work towards acceptance, anything else is a half-measure. I used to hate my face in High School because of acne, I couldn't afford accutane so I found a research study that paid me to use it. These days I absolutely love my face, and not being so busy hating my face helped me discover I liked a lot of other things about myself too. Hope you can do the same.

[Tiwack]

i'm sure people can get over it. how, idk, but i'm sure it's not impossible.

my personal issue is that i would feel like terrible person if i ever got over it. this is my personal penance, i deserve this.

Why penance? If you're a Christian then you've accepted Jesus died for our sins, yet forgave us and by accepting him into your body you're absolved of worrying about the past to be free to generate your own future.

[Kathandira]

boo hoo you dont like your body, go to the gym, run and eat right learn discipline and suck it up
you cant talk to women or w.e your problem is ... better suck it up figure it out or be alone

you know most of the shit that everyone else figured out as 14 year old kids

This is likely the kind of response that perpetuates the feelings of inadequacy.

[Independent voter]

I've never hated myself other than kicking myself in the butt when I make a bad mistake. I can't imagine why I would go as far as hating myself.

[crakerjack]

First you have to understand the origin of these insecurities and apply some introspective. You know yourself better than anyone else, so talk to yourself and figure out what it is that bothers you. I went through my battles with these silly things early in high school. I found out that my insecurities were brought on by what I thought society expected out of me. Once I convinced myself that society and their views can fuck off, I allowed myself to focus on what's really important to me. I might be incredibly far behind the average person when it comes to experiences, but I've very rarely been unhappy. I know what makes me happy and I understand what doesn't. If you convince yourself that societies expectations of you are important, then you're living to appease others and not yourself.

Do you care that you're not in a romantic relationship? Or do you care that it's expected from society to have a significant other at this point? Society also dictates that we should have lost our virginity before college, but I guess that ship sailed already. The more you let society dictate how your life should be, the more you'll lose touch with yourself and become lost. Listen to yourself first, not society.

[Dacien]

One thing that helps is to recognize destructive thoughts for what they are, and reject them. This can be tricky, because sometimes you're critical of yourself over things you could actually do well to improve on. But when thoughts occur that serve only to discourage you, reject them out of hand. Recognize your faults, but reject thoughts that only serve to bring you down.

Another is confidence. You have to recognize and remain cognizant of the fact that you're a worthy, unique individual who has things to offer the world that nobody else can offer: who you are as a person. You are one of a kind.

Just these two things alone, confidence and rejecting destructive thoughts, can make a marked difference.

[Heladys]

I just sort of 'did my own thing' growing up, our parents weren't all that involved.

Ding. Ding. Ding.

[PhantasmagoriaX]

Ok just going over some of the topics you brought up OP,

You need to unfuck yourself, If you don't like the way you look then what would you wanna change? You can go to the gym and work out,dye your hair...ect. As far as relationships go.. BE YOURSELF! If they don't like you move on cause life is to short to waste on fake friends/girlfriends.

I heard a quote by Penn Jillete and it just kinda stuck with me "You are going to fuck it up,it just depends on how badly you do it" .

Now what works for me when I get depressed I get my ipod (yes i still use one of those) and I go running listening to metal, but obviously listen to what you like.

GL

[Tiwack]

Ding. Ding. Ding.

Not everyone reacts the same way and just getting out instead of caging yourself requires a monumental shift in thinking and lifestyle. We're all creatures of habit and recognizing and changing routines is easier said than done.

[Super Kami Dende]

There will likely always be things you hate about yourself, it's what allows you to improve.