Originally Posted by
Claymore
Alright, so OP here, chiming back in.
First, you're all absolutely right, I CAN do something about getting in better shape. I'm on a diet right now, and truth be told, I'm pretty sure that's a big reason I'm feeling like I am. It really does mess with your head, all this artificial shit that's been a part of my diet. I can absolutely afford a gym membership, but I don't even have to; my work provides a membership for free (like I said; it's an amazing job). I was going for a while, but since starting this diet, I've felt physically drained (which I was told I would for the first two or three weeks, and my body adjusts to having less sugar and carbohydrates).
Regarding relationships... I honestly *didn't* learn the same things other kids did in high-school. Even back then, I used to look around and wonder "How do they do it? How do they all get girlfriends? What am I doing wrong?". So, even as a kid, I've always been too "in my own head". I don't know, I've just never been able to forge that kind of connection. I've always been "good with people", in terms of striking up conversations, to the point a number of people have remarked on it over the years. But I can never, I dunno, "make a move" I guess when it comes to women.
There's one woman... We worked together over a year, and since leaving, we've started hanging out. It's really strange, because there's definitely a connection between us, but... I don't even know "what I'm supposed to do". I think, coupled with the diet, I'm also feeling paranoid that I'm going to either make the wrong move, or not make a move at all, or that I'm misreading what kind of connection we have, and I'm going to fuck it all up. Or even worse, I'll act in such a way that she thinks I ONLY want to be friends, and her feel betrayed if I show more interest?
I feel pretty certain I'm always going to struggle with dark thoughts. Hating myself, pondering hurting myself (don't worry: I ONLY ever ponder it), whatever. But as much of a wimp or bleeding-heart I may come across on these forums, I can at least hold things together in real-life. I have a lot of practice internalizing this stuff, and even so, there are times I do feel genuinely happy. I think it's just sort of a 'perfect storm' of circumstances that I'm feeling a little more down than usual.
What sucks is, when I feel this way, I'll try to tell myself "stop being a little bitch". But for some reason, it's just every now and then, some random thing will come along and just tear me right back down.