I just realized something...

[Doctor Amadeus]

No, I am not fucking around. I wouldn’t do that. I’m just figuring out my life, and getting feedback is extremely valuable to me. You have been very honest, and I appreciate that. As an adult. I feel like my death and rebirth cycle has sped up.

Yeah this is an insanity most find themselves in, few see it, and even fewer do anything about it, because comfort become our habits, I think and for me personally for things to change it came with pain. What I learned is that the body and the brain when you push it, it can adapt.

It just came with calculated pain, and I did my best to plan ahead. You know I know something is going to suck, or I am not going to want to do something. I had to give myself time and small steps

I feel as though I am a new person even weekly. It is sometimes tough to not have a stoic opinion about oneself and their environment. I often feel like an astronaut floating in ever changing space. I have seen a neurologist, and I do take beta blockers, and antidepressants. They do help, but there is just something inside of me that will not let go.

Well as I said no smoke up your ass here, goes with what I said above changing the cycle or habits for myself required pain, But, I am fucked up, I know I am fucked up, there is no time, or medication that is going to change the fact I am fucked up.

But for me as I said, I had to find out more about me, even if it meant going to my lowest of my low, darkest to darkest but ultimately learn to accept who and what I am, and then, see about moving forward as best I can.

I just want to be me, and not feel guilty for it. I need relationships. Could I continue without them? Probably, but I will probably die young, and live a less loving life.

I know and understand this fear because despite as cold as I can be and not caring about those that don't matter. Those that do make me soo soo vulnerable in every way. Because to me life is just not worth living without my loved ones.

Someone you can be vulnerable with, someone who doesn't want anything from you, but your presence and love in return.

Like I said FUCK most people, haha it doesn't matter they aren't going to be there for you when you need them, and I don't mean for money, or sex or anything like that. Sure we all have our shallow sides and things that make life entertaining, but if you don't have those you love that make life matter then their is just existing.

Don't get me wrong, I am selfish enough to live alone and not have it bother me too much, but the rare exceptional few, people I love, or good people I meet, I mean really genuine good people, it makes the rest of this worth it, and life bearable especially when it's not fun.

[Sezh]

From what you're describing, you seem like a completely average person to me. And like many others have said, if you really want an educated opinion, there are professionals for that.

[Stonecloak]

Yeah this is an insanity most find themselves in, few see it, and even fewer do anything about it, because comfort become our habits, I think and for me personally for things to change it came with pain. What I learned is that the body and the brain when you push it, it can adapt.

It just came with calculated pain, and I did my best to plan ahead. You know I know something is going to suck, or I am not going to want to do something. I had to give myself time and small steps




Well as I said no smoke up your ass here, goes with what I said above changing the cycle or habits for myself required pain, But, I am fucked up, I know I am fucked up, there is no time, or medication that is going to change the fact I am fucked up.

But for me as I said, I had to find out more about me, even if it meant going to my lowest of my low, darkest to darkest but ultimately learn to accept who and what I am, and then, see about moving forward as best I can.



I know and understand this fear because despite as cold as I can be and not caring about those that don't matter. Those that do make me soo soo vulnerable in every way. Because to me life is just not worth living without my loved ones.

Someone you can be vulnerable with, someone who doesn't want anything from you, but your presence and love in return.

Like I said FUCK most people, haha it doesn't matter they aren't going to be there for you when you need them, and I don't mean for money, or sex or anything like that. Sure we all have our shallow sides and things that make life entertaining, but if you don't have those you love that make life matter then their is just existing.

Don't get me wrong, I am selfish enough to live alone and not have it bother me too much, but the rare exceptional few, people I love, or good people I meet, I mean really genuine good people, it makes the rest of this worth it, and life bearable especially when it's not fun.

Well, sleep well tonight knowing you helped in the process of this revival. As I have mentioned before about many deaths and rebirths. I feel that along with the many, there is one deep rebirth waiting for it’s time to rise. It’s almost as if I can unconsciously feel it about to erupt.

[hynx]

I handle hate, better than I handle love. Does anyone else feel like this? It's as if I'm holding myself back, because I'm worried I'll be loved too much, and I have a hunch I'm not far off in that prediction, because when I move past that feeling, my whole world changes, and people wind up loving me. Seems like most of the time I'd rather deal with people not being interested in me, but I feel the shift happening.

take your conversation to a mental help professional. get your head shrunk. what we say wont mean shit. i doubt most of us on here are far from therapists and psychologists, and that your perspective in life needs a professional evaluation, with guidance on improvement and realizations to the root of your doubts.

[Stonecloak]

From what you're describing, you seem like a completely average person to me. And like many others have said, if you really want an educated opinion, there are professionals for that.

I’ve been to therapy many times. It doesn’t work for me. It has helped on occasion, and I’ve connected well with some in the past, but this is truly me vs my shadow. It’s my own decision that nobody can make but me.

[Doctor Amadeus]

Well, sleep well tonight knowing you helped in the process of this revival. As I have mentioned before about many deaths and rebirths. I feel that along with the many, there is one deep rebirth waiting for it’s time to rise. It’s almost as if I can unconsciously feel it about to erupt.

Well if what I said are more than words, and actually helpful great, otherwise, at least it's been an interesting conversation. As to the birth rebirth thing, I am not really philosophical in that sense. More like Pop Eye I am what I am, well sorta. I try to hold out to be excited or pleasantly surprised, Just don't look where they aren't found. And by that I mean with other people or randoms.

But nothing wrong with being decent, sharing experiences it can be fun and informative.

[Stonecloak]

take your conversation to a mental help professional. get your head shrunk. what we say wont mean shit. i doubt most of us on here are far from therapists and psychologists, and that your perspective in life needs a professional evaluation, with guidance on improvement and realizations to the root of your doubts.

It really isn’t as simple as that. I think we wish it was, but it isn’t.

[Doctor Amadeus]

I’ve been to therapy many times. It doesn’t work for me. It has helped on occasion, and I’ve connected well with some in the past, but this is truly me vs my shadow. It’s my own decision that nobody can make but me.

Just remember not all therapist are the same. Some might be very good, but don't give a shit and hard to trust, and some might mean well but are stupid and useless. .

The vultures are the worst unfortunately the need for qualified therapist, as lead to a shit load of quacks with worthless degrees that memorized a book to take test, typically you could end up talking to someone more fucked up than you and is only in it to satisfy their own egos. It's a sad reality, but hopefully shitty therapist won't put you off to those that are good and care.

[Stonecloak]

Well if what I said are more than words, and actually helpful great, otherwise, at least it's been an interesting conversation. As to the birth rebirth thing, I am not really philosophical in that sense. More like Pop Eye I am what I am, well sorta. I try to hold out to be excited or pleasantly surprised, Just don't look where they aren't found. And by that I mean with other people or randoms.

But nothing wrong with being decent, sharing experiences it can be fun and informative.

Glad you got something from it. I can only describe the rebirth as something my gut knows. It’s deep down in my psyche. So I describe it like others as a rebirth, and it does seem like a re-emergence of my soul. It’s trying to make its way back to the essence of who I am, and I think when I accept that, I will be whole again, and then I will find the connections I seek.

- - - Updated - - -

Just remember not all therapist are the same. Some might be very good, but don't give a shit and hard to trust, and some might mean well but are stupid and useless. .

The vultures are the worst unfortunately the need for qualified therapist, as lead to a shit load of quacks with worthless degrees that memorized a book to take test, typically you could end up talking to someone more fucked up than you and is only in it to satisfy their own egos. It's a sad reality, but hopefully shitty therapist won't put you off to those that are good and care.

I’m in NY, there’s a lot of vultures here. So it is tough to find a good therapist. I did see a girl for a while but pretty much fell in love with her, which may have been transference.

[P for Pancetta]

I handle hate, better than I handle love. Does anyone else feel like this? It's as if I'm holding myself back, because I'm worried I'll be loved too much, and I have a hunch I'm not far off in that prediction, because when I move past that feeling, my whole world changes, and people wind up loving me. Seems like most of the time I'd rather deal with people not being interested in me, but I feel the shift happening.

I think you’re lying to yourself here, I think you’re afraid of commitment and rejection. Which is the number one fear in humans who are looking for love, and also the thing people lie to themselves about the most, using the same excuse you’re using. Because when you open yourself up to love you risk getting your feelings hurt and that’s something everyone has a hard time dealing with but is especially hard for people who shy from appearing weak. I doubt you actually have to deal with real hatred; when it comes from people you hold in a high regard it can hurt as much as being rejected by someone who you love.

I think you act like a hard-ass and the friction this created between you and others you perceive as “hate” and you rather deal with that then to deal with “love”. That’s like choosing between getting stung by a bee or putting your puppy down because it’s sick, while both hurt it’s not the same ball-game, not even close. If you want to love and be loved you need to drop the act and take responsibility for yourself, and while that sounds easy it can be very scary and hard at the start.

[Aggrophobic]

We say this...I hear this all the time. You know what beats a therapist? Empathy, and why do I post on this forum when I suddenly take a step back and see something unfolding before my eyes, because I know there’s somebody out there that can relate, and the ability to relate will always trump a guideline to altruistic behavior.

Maybe but more likely, people will try to use or abuse you here.
You can get help and it really does work.

[zenkai]

I handle hate, better than I handle love. Does anyone else feel like this? It's as if I'm holding myself back, because I'm worried I'll be loved too much, and I have a hunch I'm not far off in that prediction, because when I move past that feeling, my whole world changes, and people wind up loving me. Seems like most of the time I'd rather deal with people not being interested in me, but I feel the shift happening.

Can't love others until you love yourself.

[Unholyground]

Introspection is the most important part about growing as an individual.

[RicardoMilos]

Bro, visit a doctor, really that will help if you would not try to escape from your thoughts.

[Romarii]

wow dude this guy is a real illidan