Is she justified? Is she in the wrong? Is this cheating?

[gaymer77]

Though there are elements of sexuality in this situation, this is NOT meant to be a discussion on sexuality. You could change all parties involved so that it is strictly a heterosexual situation and I feel it would have the same resulting answer.

Saw this post on a Facebook group I'm in. I chimed in (will post my reply at the end of this post) and was blasted for my view on this situation. Please read and answer if you think this was was justified in her reaction, was she wrong, and do you consider this to be cheating?

CRAZY situation...a "straight" friend of mine whom I've known for nearly 2 decades let it slip to his fiancee (a wooomann) he and I shared a kiss after a night of fun, dinner bar-hopping, and yes drinking...I was not that fond of her when they started dating and I suspect the feeling was mutual....I saw her as NEEDY and CONTROLLING, and I guess she saw me as some sort of a threat to their relationship... I spite of (RON's) constant efforts to throw us all together I always found some excuse to avoid the whole scene much to his frustration...I simply avoid tense atmospheres...When he told me of the engagement like a good friend is supposed to do (as far as I'm concerned) offered congrats, and showed support in spite of my personal feelings about her.... Now he has confessed to her about our little intimate moment, she has FORBIDDEN him to have any more contact with me, nor is he to have any more male friends, she constantly needs to know where he is and what he's doing...(WTF)...Now he's torn, he wants us to still be friends, but he "LOVES" her too. I told him his first loyalty is to her since they are about to marry... I must say I am more hurt than angry...and personally, I think if he marries this controlling ***** It would be the mistake of his life...but I need to keep my mouth shut....OPINIONS are welcomed...HELP guys...

My reply:

Hate to play devil's advocate but even putting aside your opinion of her, the 2 of you did overstep boundaries by kissing. If it were a girl he kissed instead of you I'm 100% sure she would be telling him he couldn't see her again either. He borderline cheated on her with you. She has every right to not want you near him. Yes HE made the decision to kiss you and should be held responsible for doing so but YOU also made that decision to kiss him too and are equally responsible for the kiss. You couldn't be held accountable for the near/semi cheating but since you knew he was with someone before it happened, you are equally to blame for it. A kiss can be cheating. A text conversation can be cheating. Sending/receiving nude pics can be cheating. Cheating isn't just fucking someone.

[vastx]

I gotta say, my first gut reaction was a mental shrug. But yeah, you're right. It technically is cheating/borderline cheating. I wonder where that subconscious bias on my part, comes from?

[Skulltaker]

Prohibiting your partner to see people that mean a lot to him or her is always a sign of weakness and desperation, unless the contact with said people is objectivly wrong (eg they make him/her drink to much, do drugs or promote other harmful behaviour). You can either live with what he does in his or her free time, or you can not. You kind of should learn about what your SO does in his or her free time befor you pop the question/say yes.

[Florena]

If it was just a one time kiss, I don't see it as a huge deal or betrayal. If there was more to it then maybe. Certainly not enough to forbid someone from seeing an old friend, or having friends with that gender etc. If this was something that became a pattern or if they'd had sex then sure, an isolated kiss seems more like a 'whoops' to me, again assuming that it was an isolated thing and not a recurring issue, and that the kiss wasn't premeditated.

[Low Hanging Fruit]

Who cares is all that really comes to mind for me.

[Zafire]

It's good to set boundaries on what you consider cheating. For example, I told my girlfriend I don't care if she wants to get intimate with another woman. She doesn't want to, but she knows I would be okay with it if she felt like it. Anything intimate with another man is considered cheating to me, though. We've made one exception, but only because it would benefit both of us simultaneously without hurting feelings.

A one time kiss with another man would be a sign of betrayal to me and I would likely make a pretty big deal out of it. I wouldn't "forbid" anything, because that's not who I am. I would certainly feel like my feelings weren't being respected if she kept wanting to be around that person, however, and I would have a difficult time trusting her. It wouldn't warrant a break-up like sex would, but it would cause serious problems.

[Moadar]

I can see wanting to break off the relationship with the old friend seeing how that was the person they cheated on, but the whole "no more male friends" shows they've lost all trust and they should probably take an actual break or just end it now.

But I'm probably the last person who should be giving advice. LOL

They should end it. The guy is obviously gay and she knows it. The no more male friends is pretty telling.

[Pu3Ho]

Guy is a typical idiot >>>Has "controllling type" GF, >>>kisses other girl after drinking together, >>>LEGIT himself tells GF that he kissed other girl. If anything i would clap myself with a facepalm if this wasn't a "common" thing. I wish people would finally learn the golden rule : Won't know, won't hurt and there's nothing besides that.

[voxnor]

... We've made one exception, but only because it would benefit both of us simultaneously without hurting feelings.
...

I am squarely intrigued....

[I Push Buttons]

How would we know if it was cheating without any context as to the time frame? He says he knew the guy for nearly 20 years... Was their encounter fifteen years ago before he even knew the fiance? Was it last week? Makes a pretty significant difference depending on when it happened.

In any case, the fiance sounds like a crazy person... Even more so if the event in question happened long ago.

[PaladinBash]

No excuse for treachery. If you betray your partner, you shouldn't be in the relationship. You don't deserve to be and your partner deserves better.

[Saucexorzski]

Strange how humans talk of love yet hurt with their actions.

[gaymer77]

Prohibiting your partner to see people that mean a lot to him or her is always a sign of weakness and desperation, unless the contact with said people is objectivly wrong (eg they make him/her drink to much, do drugs or promote other harmful behaviour). You can either live with what he does in his or her free time, or you can not. You kind of should learn about what your SO does in his or her free time befor you pop the question/say yes.

I agree that you should allow your partner to have their friends, especially the ones they've had longer than they've known you for, unless said friend promotes your partner to do harmful things (such as the ones you listed). The thing though is isn't not respecting boundaries of friendship considered to be a harmful thing too? With my boyfriend, I don't care who he's friends with because I want him to have friends. The thing is though, I wouldn't want him to maintain a friendship with someone that doesn't respect OUR relationship. Being involved in an "intimate kiss" is what I would consider not respecting OUR relationship. I don't care if it takes 2 to tango, the other person was also involved in it and therefore doesn't respect OUR relationship.

If it was just a one time kiss, I don't see it as a huge deal or betrayal. If there was more to it then maybe. Certainly not enough to forbid someone from seeing an old friend, or having friends with that gender etc. If this was something that became a pattern or if they'd had sex then sure, an isolated kiss seems more like a 'whoops' to me, again assuming that it was an isolated thing and not a recurring issue, and that the kiss wasn't premeditated.

That's just the thing though. It wasn't just a simple peck on the cheek kiss. He even described it as "our little intimate moment". It doesn't matter to me if it was a one time thing or an ongoing thing, I wouldn't want my partner being around someone who was ok kissing my partner in the first place knowing that my partner was already spoken for. If I found out this had happened more than once, I would have simply broken it off with my partner since it would be obvious that there are other issues going on here than simply a kiss.

[Jotaux]

It's not clear whether this happened during the relationship or before.

[Jonnusthegreat]

She's definitely in the wrong. I wouldn't call it cheating, but if I were marrying someone and they kissed a 20 year friend I'd start having second thoughts. Kissing doesn't really matter, but holy shit she's a shitty friend to do that.

[AwkwardSquirtle]

That post doesn't seem to actually mention that the engaged couple were dating at the time of the kiss, sounds like gay panic.
If it was while they were dating then it's probably cheating, but her response isn't reasonable. Break up with him or build trust back up. You can't tell him not to have friends, that's nonsense.

Either way marrying someone who won't let you have male friends because you might cheat on her with them sounds like a mistake.

[seleri]

He shouldn't have kissed(I'm assuming this was a passionate kiss, not a peck on the cheek) someone else if he was in a monogamous, closed relationship.

If she doesn't trust him to the point where she's forbidding he sees this friend or any male friends, I don't see the relationship lasting very long. If you have to try to control your partner, you probably shouldn't be together.

If the friend felt like he couldn't be honest about how he felt about the fiance and had to pretend to like her, it seems like they had a pretty shitty friendship to begin with.

Whole situation is a mess and everyone involved sounds more like a teenager than someone that should be getting married.

[Doctor Amadeus]

My reply:

Hate to play devil's advocate but even putting aside your opinion of her, the 2 of you did overstep boundaries by kissing. If it were a girl he kissed instead of you I'm 100% sure she would be telling him he couldn't see her again either. He borderline cheated on her with you. She has every right to not want you near him. Yes HE made the decision to kiss you and should be held responsible for doing so but YOU also made that decision to kiss him too and are equally responsible for the kiss. You couldn't be held accountable for the near/semi cheating but since you knew he was with someone before it happened, you are equally to blame for it. A kiss can be cheating. A text conversation can be cheating. Sending/receiving nude pics can be cheating. Cheating isn't just fucking someone.

Yeah I am going to have to agree with you here, the only place I might depart is the getting married. If I didn't 100% trust my fiance we would not be engaged period, if I ever had any reason to doubt, I wouldn't marry anyone.

Keep in mind I would describe myself as very jealous and possessive. It is part of my damage, she knows that and accept that as such she has never done anything to exploit that vulnerability. If she did however it wouldn't be her fault or problem after she told me or I found out, at that point that choice is up to me.

I think love the above all obligation is to be honest, once someone has been honest, then each needs to make the right decisions for themselves. However, I don't agree with one making a mistake, and then proceeding forward and holding that mistake over the other.

Cheating is the worst thing you can do in a relationship, I would say second is to hold someone hostage to guilt. A love take two to make it go right and only 1 to destroy it. IMO


By the way, the kissing wouldn't bother me as much as the dishonesty and not knowing. I mean kiss doesn't have to mean anything, however if it has to be hidden or omitted not so much.

[Brubear]

How would we know if it was cheating without any context as to the time frame? He says he knew the guy for nearly 20 years... Was their encounter fifteen years ago before he even knew the fiance? Was it last week? Makes a pretty significant difference depending on when it happened.

In any case, the fiance sounds like a crazy person... Even more so if the event in question happened long ago.

This pretty much sums it up. If it happened before the relationship, then the girlfriend is being insanely jealous for no reason. If it happened afterwards, I could understand her maybe being upset but her response was very much an overreaction that shows they are not in a trusting relationship. They kissed a very close and long-time friend once. If that is the only discretion the person has ever displayed then forcing them to not only completely cut the person out of their lives, but any and all friends who even share a gender with the friend, is a ridiculous response.

So yeah, the timing of events is important, but either way the girlfriend is still blowing things very much out of proportion.

[hyphnos]

Nobody should be in a serious relationship with someone who has a teenagers response to a fucking kiss.

She is either extremely immature or incapable of trust or perhaps has a gut sense the guy is actually gay and is trying to fight it.

In no way is a single kiss with a friend cheating by any adult standard