1. #1

    I feel like I'm going through a bit of an identity crisis

    That's probably a weird topic, and in truth, I'm having some difficulty putting my thoughts into words.

    I'm a dude, and I used to have long hair (usually coupled with a thick beard). A couple of years ago, I cut it, and I think most people would say it looks objectively better short. But I also feel like I look like, well, "just another boring white dude".

    It wasn't until seeing a dumb meme this morning, that I felt like I got a bit more insight to my own feelings on the matter.

    The meme is basically making fun of this super-skinny, nerdy looking guy, saying "men used to hunt woolly mammoths". And honestly, back when I had my long hair and beard, I sort of *felt* closer to that. Sure, I *wasn't* hunting down dangerous animals with a spear, but I felt a little more in-touch with that sort of "primitive/animal" heritage. If that makes any kind of sense? I was loud, worked with my hands, and I seemed to be the kind of guy everyone wanted to have a drink with (that's actually true; any time I went out, I felt like folks, mostly guys, instantly just *wanted* to be my friend). Plus, I got lots of compliments on my hair from strangers.

    I kind of stepped back and realized that when my appearance changed, so too did my behavior. I stopped seeing myself as this a "modern-day caveman" who was happy working with his hands, but instead found a cushy job behind a computer desk. Instead of a truck, I started driving a tiny little hatchback. I stopped seeing myself as this person who existed "apart from society", and instead became very much a *part* of society. Now if I go drinking, it's usually by myself (so it doesn't happen much), I think I sort of blend into the crowd.

    Maybe it's a product of getting older, or just a mid-life crisis. But I'm committing the next year towards really improving myself (including some long-overdue things, like finally getting braces; it's going to look hella dumb on a man in his 30's, but I want straight teef, dammit!), and I guess I've just been asking myself more and more, "Who am I trying to be? What does the best version of myself look like?"

    Is it "a regular guy, who is constantly working his way up the ladder"? Or is it "the modern-day 'viking' (what everyone used to call me back then), who does what he want and doesn't worry about 'fitting in' with the rest of society"?

  2. #2
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  3. #3
    Well personally I find these kind of issues easier as you get older and you get more comfortable in your skin and accept your flaws not the other way around in your case.

    The length of your hair doesnt determine your testosterone levels so I'd say you are over thinking too much and just need to relax and do the things you want to do and not think so much about society values.

    I highly doubt if you grow your hair out again you'll suddenly turn into Jason Momoa. So yea relax.
    Comes a time when we all gotta die...even kings.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Claymore View Post
    T
    Is it "a regular guy, who is constantly working his way up the ladder"? Or is it "the modern-day 'viking' (what everyone used to call me back then), who does what he want and doesn't worry about 'fitting in' with the rest of society"?
    I think you put a lot of emphasis on how OTHER people see you. You shouldn't!

    You should be who you are comfortable with being yourself. I used to worry a lot about what other people thought, and bought into this hierarchy of acceptance.
    But somewhere in my late 20's early 30's I just stopped giving a shit. It's really not worth it unless these kind of superficial things matter the most to you.
    Would you want to spend time with people who value you just for your looks?


    I think kids growing up now with influencers and Instagram "models" being role models will have a more difficult time separating from this narrative.

    I've also had long hair and a beard most of my youth, and it brings in attention. Both good and bad.
    I dont have my long hair anymore now, but I still dont feel less manly doing things because of it.

    Your ability to grow follicles a certain length does not make you more rugged by any definition.

  5. #5
    Over 9000! Milchshake's Avatar
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    Reads like juvenile levels of self reflection. Too caught up with the superficial imagery of caveman/viking. Seeking approval from others based on looking like a caveman.


    As a 30 something, thinking you'll just grow out of this phase wont be much help. You should seek professional help. Talk to a therapist about why you're so unhappy now.
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  6. #6
    Moderator Aucald's Avatar
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    Self-definition is a complicated thing, and to a point no one aside from yourself can really tell you what is proper and/or correct insofar as how you see yourself both individually and as a part of a greater whole. I guess the main question I would ask is "why did this meme effect you so much," followed by, "why did you originally change your look beforehand?"

    Regardless of either answer, the general stance is to do what you think best maximizes your happiness. Just be clear about what you're doing and why, or you could wind up in a situation where you make a bunch of life changes but aren't happy with the results - which kind of sounds like what you did originally when you cut your hair, etc. etc.
    "We're more of the love, blood, and rhetoric school. Well, we can do you blood and love without the rhetoric, and we can do you blood and rhetoric without the love, and we can do you all three concurrent or consecutive. But we can't give you love and rhetoric without the blood. Blood is compulsory. They're all blood, you see." ― Tom Stoppard, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead

  7. #7
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    Think about what you enjoy, who you want to be, and surround yourself with people with similar interests and goals. Reading your anecdotes about everyone wanting to be your friend when going out in the past, and nowadays you blend in with the crowd, ask yourself what you want and enjoy. I dont enjoy superficial conversations barely possible over loud music, im not great at nor particularly enjoy dancing, and the whole 'going out' scene isnt for me. If I somehow ended up in a club or a bar, I would've much prefered to hang out with your current description of yourself than your old one. That isn't to say your current self is better or more likely, it just means you appear more similar to myself.

    Do you even still enjoy going out? And what about the people around you, friends especially? If all your friends talk about soccer, you might feel like you need to stay up-to-date too. If your friends value the newest gadgets or branded clothing, you might feel pressure to get the same. Its the same with going out, if your friends talk about going out and getting wasted all week, you will likely get pulled along. Now I'm not saying that you need new friends that better fit your current personality and interests, especially since finding new friends tends to get harder as people age. But it doesn't hurt to reflect on what you like and value in life, and whether or not your friends motivate and encourage the same in you. They might even share some of it.

    And finally, you can be this 'modern day viking' somewhere else than a club. Become an experienced and senior something in a company, become a great dad or aim for a top spot on the mythic+ leaderboards. Plenty of people will want to be your friend if you are good at something or have fun doing it. And even if you don't share interests, sharing a history with people (like your current friends and family) is also worth something. But you need to be honest and open about what you enjoy. You can't be this modern day viking at the club if you dont enjoy the club. You can be one at the next national bird spotting convention if you're really passionate about it though.

  8. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Claymore View Post
    That's probably a weird topic, and in truth, I'm having some difficulty putting my thoughts into words.

    I'm a dude, and I used to have long hair (usually coupled with a thick beard). A couple of years ago, I cut it, and I think most people would say it looks objectively better short. But I also feel like I look like, well, "just another boring white dude".

    It wasn't until seeing a dumb meme this morning, that I felt like I got a bit more insight to my own feelings on the matter.

    The meme is basically making fun of this super-skinny, nerdy looking guy, saying "men used to hunt woolly mammoths". And honestly, back when I had my long hair and beard, I sort of *felt* closer to that. Sure, I *wasn't* hunting down dangerous animals with a spear, but I felt a little more in-touch with that sort of "primitive/animal" heritage. If that makes any kind of sense? I was loud, worked with my hands, and I seemed to be the kind of guy everyone wanted to have a drink with (that's actually true; any time I went out, I felt like folks, mostly guys, instantly just *wanted* to be my friend). Plus, I got lots of compliments on my hair from strangers.

    I kind of stepped back and realized that when my appearance changed, so too did my behavior. I stopped seeing myself as this a "modern-day caveman" who was happy working with his hands, but instead found a cushy job behind a computer desk. Instead of a truck, I started driving a tiny little hatchback. I stopped seeing myself as this person who existed "apart from society", and instead became very much a *part* of society. Now if I go drinking, it's usually by myself (so it doesn't happen much), I think I sort of blend into the crowd.

    Maybe it's a product of getting older, or just a mid-life crisis. But I'm committing the next year towards really improving myself (including some long-overdue things, like finally getting braces; it's going to look hella dumb on a man in his 30's, but I want straight teef, dammit!), and I guess I've just been asking myself more and more, "Who am I trying to be? What does the best version of myself look like?"

    Is it "a regular guy, who is constantly working his way up the ladder"? Or is it "the modern-day 'viking' (what everyone used to call me back then), who does what he want and doesn't worry about 'fitting in' with the rest of society"?
    mate if your whole "persona" was build around hair then you should seek proffesional help right now instead look for it on forum where half of people are wannabe psychologist because they had psychology 101 in college -_-

    and i dont mean it to offend you - it shows that you lack basic social skills - and you deluded yourself that its hairs that given it to you.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Quote Originally Posted by Volatilis View Post
    Well personally I find these kind of issues easier as you get older and you get more comfortable in your skin and accept your flaws not the other way around in your case.

    The length of your hair doesnt determine your testosterone levels so I'd say you are over thinking too much and just need to relax and do the things you want to do and not think so much about society values.

    I highly doubt if you grow your hair out again you'll suddenly turn into Jason Momoa. So yea relax.
    technicaly it does.

    the more testosteron you have the more likely you are to be bald in future -_-

    yes some chicks cant stand bald dudes. but mostly if they they dont have nicely trained body , they dont wear nice clothes etc.

    do you honestly think that most women wouldnt put out for dudes like Statham or Rock Johnson . i mean come on

  9. #9
    Brewmaster Sorensen's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Indara View Post
    Statham and Johnson aren't attractive.
    Society would disagree.
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  10. #10
    Immortal Zelk's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Indara View Post
    Statham and Johnson aren't attractive.
    yeah I'm sure they got all those movie roles because they're such fantastic actors...

  11. #11
    The Insane Kathandira's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Claymore View Post
    Is it "a regular guy, who is constantly working his way up the ladder"? Or is it "the modern-day 'viking' (what everyone used to call me back then), who does what he want and doesn't worry about 'fitting in' with the rest of society"?
    Why settle for one end or the other? Why not be a corporate viking? Sounds like a joke, but really, in today's work appearance is less and less important in white collar positions. You can have piercings, tattoos, long hair, and that is ok. So long as you meet the dress code, you are good to go!.

    And really, a tatted up long haired viking looking dude in a nice fitted button down, pressed slacks, polished dress shoes, and eye catching accessories is basically a panty dropping look for many.



    Clean up his beard a bit, and boom, there ya go.
    Last edited by Kathandira; 2020-06-26 at 03:10 PM.
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  12. #12
    Quote Originally Posted by Zelk View Post
    yeah I'm sure they got all those movie roles because they're such fantastic actors...
    I thought that's more since they attract male viewers imagining they are Statham/Johnson.
    Obviously some women find them attractive - but what percentage?

  13. #13
    Quote Originally Posted by claymore View Post
    that's probably a weird topic, and in truth, i'm having some difficulty putting my thoughts into words.

    I'm a dude, and i used to have long hair (usually coupled with a thick beard). A couple of years ago, i cut it, and i think most people would say it looks objectively better short. But i also feel like i look like, well, "just another boring white dude".

    It wasn't until seeing a dumb meme this morning, that i felt like i got a bit more insight to my own feelings on the matter.

    The meme is basically making fun of this super-skinny, nerdy looking guy, saying "men used to hunt woolly mammoths". And honestly, back when i had my long hair and beard, i sort of *felt* closer to that. Sure, i *wasn't* hunting down dangerous animals with a spear, but i felt a little more in-touch with that sort of "primitive/animal" heritage. If that makes any kind of sense? I was loud, worked with my hands, and i seemed to be the kind of guy everyone wanted to have a drink with (that's actually true; any time i went out, i felt like folks, mostly guys, instantly just *wanted* to be my friend). Plus, i got lots of compliments on my hair from strangers.

    I kind of stepped back and realized that when my appearance changed, so too did my behavior. I stopped seeing myself as this a "modern-day caveman" who was happy working with his hands, but instead found a cushy job behind a computer desk. Instead of a truck, i started driving a tiny little hatchback. I stopped seeing myself as this person who existed "apart from society", and instead became very much a *part* of society. Now if i go drinking, it's usually by myself (so it doesn't happen much), i think i sort of blend into the crowd.

    Maybe it's a product of getting older, or just a mid-life crisis. But i'm committing the next year towards really improving myself (including some long-overdue things, like finally getting braces; it's going to look hella dumb on a man in his 30's, but i want straight teef, dammit!), and i guess i've just been asking myself more and more, "who am i trying to be? What does the best version of myself look like?"

    is it "a regular guy, who is constantly working his way up the ladder"? Or is it "the modern-day 'viking' (what everyone used to call me back then), who does what he want and doesn't worry about 'fitting in' with the rest of society"?

    your lonely and unsatisfied

  14. #14
    Well, I appreciate the replies.

    It probably doesn't help that, on top of being self-conscious anyways, I've spent the past few years working in politics, where your appearance can literally dictate how successful you are or how important people consider you to be. Kind of reinforces insecurities I already had.

    But it is something I spend a lot of time thinking about. Been in a bit of a slump lately, and just guess I wonder if I'm on "the right path", if I'm pursuing the right things or trying to become the right kind of person. I guess in my head, I think "what do I look like to the people around me? What person do they see? And do I want to be that person?"

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