Am i the bad guy?

[Bodakane]

My dad became paralyzed about 11 years ago. He is currently in his late 70s. I and my wife decided we'd take care of him. For 3+ years, I was his primary caregiver. Every day, I bathed him, dealt with his colostomy bag and dressed him, got him out of bed and into his chair, then I'd get him to bed at night. I prepared his meals, took care of his bills, etc. He was very difficult to live with. My dad is, in a word, an asshole. He's a very angry and stubborn man, who has never once sacrificed anything for anyone. He's very much an old school, the man is the king of the castle and everyone else is just a subject. He believes not rule should apply to him. For that time, I almost never left our house and fell into a deep depression.

He eventually got to the point where he could take care of himself. So my wife and i left. I'd talk to him every day and go by his house at least once a week to check on him. The problem is that he kept me in the dark about numerous problems that started to arise for him. Like his power wheel chair started to have issues that he didn't;t tell me about but he also didn't handle either. So his chair basically lost the certain functionality that allowed him to transfer out of it and into his bed. That meant he spent all day every in his chair. He barely ate. He developed pressure sores on his butt that were son deep they exposed bone. He also would forget to take his meds and that would cause him to lose grasp on reality. Numerous times a year, I'd call and he didn't answer, and I;d have to drive 40 minutes to an hour to his house to check on him. The whole drive not knowing if I'd find him dead or as was often the case, naked on the floor because he fell out of his chair, covered in his own filth and screaming in agony. At least twice a year this would happen.

I wanted him to go into a home, where his needs could be met, but my family fought me on it. Just when I'd finally convince him to agree to it, his brother or my brother would talk to him and talk him out if it. Eventually i won, because I found him again, where he'd been on the floor all night out of his mind and screaming in agony. The place he's at for the last year let's him smoke outside and he has people to talk to. He agreed to live out his days there. We made that happen and moved some people into his house so it wouldn't be absorbed by the nursing home he is in. (Non americans: here in the us not only is healthcare not free it is ridiculously exepensive and if you need long term care they take every possession you have, including your home) So anyway, with round the clock care, his wounds were healing, he was eating and bathing and started to feel better. Now he;'s decided he wants to go home again.

Understand all he is going to do if he goes home again, is sit in front off the TV and smoke all day every day. He doesn't go anywhere, do anything or talk to anyone. he just sits there. The only real difference between where he is and his home is that he can smoke inside. I told him if he leaves i have to back out of his life completely. I cannot describe the mental pain of making that drive to his house every time he doesn't answer the phone not knowing what I was going to find. I'm not mad, I just need to protect my mental state after over a decade of this. Also, so its understood he wasn't a great dad. He wasn't;t awful in that he ever beat me or anything, but it his participation in my life was more obligatory than not.

EDIT: Am I the bad guy if I cut him out of my life if he goes home, so I can protect my mental health?

[minteK917]

Just tell who ever keeps talking him into going back on his own, that this time they take care of him. Even if he was the nicest dad alive, hes your dad, not your child.

[Tuor]

A bad guy for caring for your father? No you aren't, everyone hits its limit, i think he is better at the nursing house, its expensive but someone will take care of him, because he obviously can't do the job himself.

[Katchii]

Absolutely not the bad guy.

You're doing what you think is best to take care of him, and that's the kind of care he needs at this point in his life.

As someone else said, if those other people want him out, say it's their turn to take care of him the same way you did.

Don't feel bad for doing your best taking care of someone else while also taking care of yourself.

[Bodakane]

In case it wasn't clear, am i the bad guy for cutting him out of my life if he goes home to save my mental health?

[Katchii]

Again, no, same reasoning. You're just trying to do what you think is best for both you and your father and the ultimatum really just shows how strongly you feel about this for both of you.

[Endus]

In case it wasn't clear, am i the bad guy for cutting him out of my life if he goes home to save my mental health?

Your own mental health is more important than your father's health. If you can't protect the latter except at the cost of the former, then you're not the asshole for choosing your mental health. Particularly when you're clearly willing to help him get the care he needs, and he is the one refusing that care.

It's like life with an addict; you can't make them stop using. And if you try, it's gonna cost you everything, and you're still probably going to fail, in the end. There comes a point where the only thing left you can do is to protect yourself from their situation.

If your dad's compos mentis enough that you can't have guardianship, you've done what you can, and if he's not going to abide by it, that's his choice. His health would only be your responsibility if he were declared unfit and you were made his legal guardian. If that's not what's happened, it's his choice, and letting him make it doesn't make you an asshole.

[Logwyn]

In case it wasn't clear, am i the bad guy for cutting him out of my life if he goes home to save my mental health?

No. If you talk to anyone about taking care of older ones like a consular or caseworker the first thing they will always ask is how YOU (the caregiver) are doing. You have to take care of yourself or other things in your life will fail or you will not be able to take care of things yourself. The "bad guys' are the ones talking him out of any self-care and placing the burden solely on you and your family.

[Bodakane]

Your own mental health is more important than your father's health. If you can't protect the latter except at the cost of the former, then you're not the asshole for choosing your mental health. Particularly when you're clearly willing to help him get the care he needs, and he is the one refusing that care.

It's like life with an addict; you can't make them stop using. And if you try, it's gonna cost you everything, and you're still probably going to fail, in the end. There comes a point where the only thing left you can do is to protect yourself from their situation.

If your dad's compos mentis enough that you can't have guardianship, you've done what you can, and if he's not going to abide by it, that's his choice. His health would only be your responsibility if he were declared unfit and you were made his legal guardian. If that's not what's happened, it's his choice, and letting him make it doesn't make you an asshole.

No. If you talk to anyone about taking care of older ones like a consular or caseworker the first thing they will always ask is how YOU (the caregiver) are doing. You have to take care of yourself or other things in your life will fail or you will not be able to take care of things yourself. The "bad guys' are the ones talking him out of any self-care and placing the burden solely on you and your family.

Thank you guys.

Its really hard, because I feel like a bad guy about it at times, and other times I don't. Like sometimes I think, its his life he should be able to live the end of it how he sees fit, even if its just smoking while watching TV till he wastes away, but other times i think he has no concern whatsoever that I'll be the one to find him dead and as my father, he should want to protect me from that. If I had a kid, i would.

[Jotaux]

I would just tell whomever is talking him out of going to start helping out with his care.

[cubby]

In case it wasn't clear, am i the bad guy for cutting him out of my life if he goes home to save my mental health?

No, you are not. At all. You did your best and sacrificed a lot for him. Some people cannot be helped, and it sounds like you did your measured best (and then some) to help (3 years!). You have every right to walk away from that situation - even if it wasn't affecting your physical and mental health.

If I could make a well-intended suggestion, I would seek out someone to talk to on a more professional level. A counselor is a great tool to have in your medical kit, so to speak, just like having a pediatrist on board if you have an issue with your foot.

(PM if you want to discuss that further - I was in a similar situation and it helped me a LOT - but took me way too long to start up)

[Shadowferal]

"You" come first.

[Bodakane]

I would just tell whomever is talking him out of going to start helping out with his care.

I have. They live a little bit further than I do, and they just won't do anything. They are just like him.

- - - Updated - - -

No, you are not. At all. You did your best and sacrificed a lot for him. Some people cannot be helped, and it sounds like you did your measured best (and then some) to help (3 years!). You have every right to walk away from that situation - even if it wasn't affecting your physical and mental health.

If I could make a well-intended suggestion, I would seek out someone to talk to on a more professional level. A counselor is a great tool to have in your medical kit, so to speak, just like having a pediatrist on board if you have an issue with your foot.

(PM if you want to discuss that further - I was in a similar situation and it helped me a LOT - but took me way too long to start up)

Thanks. I'm actually generally on board with my decision, but every once and awhile i second guess it, like with Father's Day just happening for example. Or i see a show or movie, that makes the big, "nothing more important than family!!!!!" push.

I'm basically to the point where most days I believe the most important family is the one you choose and waaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy too much leeway is given to the one we are born with.

But occasionally.....I waver and then make a long winded whiny post on a gaming message board....lol

[Edge-]

Am I the bad guy if I cut him out of my life if he goes home, so I can protect my mental health?

No, and you've done everything possible to get him the care he needs. We've had similar issues with some older members in my family (including one currently who is still fighting us like hell to stay in her home despite the fact that she can barely take care of herself and falls with disturbing regularity) and sometimes you have to set up limits for yourself. You can't fix it all, and sometimes trying to only makes it worse for everyone, including yourself.

I assume in-home assisted care isn't an option (even part-time) because that might be the halfway point of ensuring you have some peace of mine while your father is home, but that can get pricey as well without a way to pay for it.

From the sound of it you've already maxed yourself out and done everything possible to help give your father the best quality of life he can have given his situation. There's no "good" solution here, short of your father remaining at the care facility, so you just have the "least bad" options available. And given the relationship and what you've done over the years (which is quite considerable), I think prioritizing your own mental health for yourself and others around you is probably best.

You do whatever is best for your own mental health. If there are social workers at the facility that you can speak with to try to get more support in trying to keep him at the facility, I'd highly recommend that. Haven't always had the best luck with them in our family, but they've been great in terms of supporting decisions and providing a sounding board/outside opinion.

[Bodakane]

It sounds like you could really use someone to talk to about the situation. I'd take Cubby's suggestion and check out some counseling options. Thanks to covid the online options are better than ever. Even though you're mostly at peace with your decision you still have some unresolved issues with it and a professional should be able to help you work through that stuff so it doesn't come out in negative ways.

Honestly, this helping a lot. So far it seems lots of people are in agreement with me. I haven't really talked this through with anyone that wasn't;t already inclined to look out fo me like my wife, my mom and a friend. So its actually really heartening to hear opinions of more objective people line up with mine.

No, and you've done everything possible to get him the care he needs. We've had similar issues with some older members in my family (including one currently who is still fighting us like hell to stay in her home despite the fact that she can barely take care of herself and falls with disturbing regularity) and sometimes you have to set up limits for yourself. You can't fix it all, and sometimes trying to only makes it worse for everyone, including yourself.

I assume in-home assisted care isn't an option (even part-time) because that might be the halfway point of ensuring you have some peace of mine while your father is home, but that can get pricey as well without a way to pay for it.

From the sound of it you've already maxed yourself out and done everything possible to help give your father the best quality of life he can have given his situation. There's no "good" solution here, short of your father remaining at the care facility, so you just have the "least bad" options available. And given the relationship and what you've done over the years (which is quite considerable), I think prioritizing your own mental health for yourself and others around you is probably best.

You do whatever is best for your own mental health. If there are social workers at the facility that you can speak with to try to get more support in trying to keep him at the facility, I'd highly recommend that. Haven't always had the best luck with them in our family, but they've been great in terms of supporting decisions and providing a sounding board/outside opinion.

Yeah, home care is stupid expensive. Here's the ridiculous part I learned when I was taking care of him daily.....because of all the home health care businesses abusing the system, Medicare will only provide home health care IF the patient has a chance to improve. If they don't, like my dad, you are literally on your own. So any home care would be 100% out of pocket which neither he nor I can afford. I remember when we first brought him home after the paralysis, I thought he had great insurance (he really does) and that i'd have help at least a couple of times a week. I was so very wrong. They came out twice a week for the first month, were there for an hour each time, then told me they couldn't come back since he wasn't going to improve. So for literal years, it was just me, every day.

The home he's in cannot stop him, if he's mentally sound. Which he is as far as tests are concerned. During one of his off his meds episodes, he was so out of his mind at the hospital he begged me to break his toe so I could go to heaven, because the Japanese people in his hospital room that were silently hanging doilies everywhere, told him that.....but then he took the mental acuity test hospitals give like an hour after that and he passed.

Honestly, if I thought he was going to go home to take his own life so he could die on his own terms, I wouldn't;t fight him. But he's going to go home so he can slowly rot away and I have to rush there and find him.

[cubby]

Thanks. I'm actually generally on board with my decision, but every once and awhile i second guess it, like with Father's Day just happening for example. Or i see a show or movie, that makes the big, "nothing more important than family!!!!!" push.

I'm basically to the point where most days I believe the most important family is the one you choose and waaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy too much leeway is given to the one we are born with.

But occasionally.....I waver and then make a long winded whiny post on a gaming message board....lol

Sometimes the long winded post on a gaming board is just what the doctor ordered. Type it all out and put it in "front" of you and hopefully get some well-meaning responses back. Sounds like you're doing the right-but-tough thing for yourself and your family (the family you choose). And you did a fuck ton for you dad, not much more to asked of a son.

If his other family talk him into moving out, you should suggest it's their turn to take care of him.

[bladeXcrasher]

Just tell who ever keeps talking him into going back on his own, that this time they take care of him.

This right here.

[Zaktar]

Honestly, this helping a lot. So far it seems lots of people are in agreement with me. I haven't really talked this through with anyone that wasn't;t already inclined to look out fo me like my wife, my mom and a friend. So its actually really heartening to hear opinions of more objective people line up with mine.

Yeah, home care is stupid expensive. Here's the ridiculous part I learned when I was taking care of him daily.....because of all the home health care businesses abusing the system, Medicare will only provide home health care IF the patient has a chance to improve. If they don't, like my dad, you are literally on your own. So any home care would be 100% out of pocket which neither he nor I can afford. I remember when we first brought him home after the paralysis, I thought he had great insurance (he really does) and that i'd have help at least a couple of times a week. I was so very wrong. They came out twice a week for the first month, were there for an hour each time, then told me they couldn't come back since he wasn't going to improve. So for literal years, it was just me, every day.

The home he's in cannot stop him, if he's mentally sound. Which he is as far as tests are concerned. During one of his off his meds episodes, he was so out of his mind at the hospital he begged me to break his toe so I could go to heaven, because the Japanese people in his hospital room that were silently hanging doilies everywhere, told him that.....but then he took the mental acuity test hospitals give like an hour after that and he passed.

Honestly, if I thought he was going to go home to take his own life so he could die on his own terms, I wouldn't;t fight him. But he's going to go home so he can slowly rot away and I have to rush there and find him.

Your choice makes a lot of sense, you're absolutely not the bad guy, and you shouldn't have to be the one to find him if he makes that choice. There is a part of me that thinks a person should be able to go out on their own terms, but not at this kind of cost. You shouldn't have to keep cleaning up the messes he creates. I hope he smartens up and sticks with the care he's getting, he's lucky to have you for a kid.

[bladeXcrasher]

Thanks. I'm actually generally on board with my decision, but every once and awhile i second guess it, like with Father's Day just happening for example. Or i see a show or movie, that makes the big, "nothing more important than family!!!!!" push.

I'm basically to the point where most days I believe the most important family is the one you choose and waaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy too much leeway is given to the one we are born with.

The family you choose is more important than the one you are born into. Given a decision between my father or mother and my wife and daughter, I'm going with my wife and daughter 100% of the time.

[Krakan]

Honestly, this helping a lot. So far it seems lots of people are in agreement with me. I haven't really talked this through with anyone that wasn't;t already inclined to look out fo me like my wife, my mom and a friend. So its actually really heartening to hear opinions of more objective people line up with mine.



Yeah, home care is stupid expensive. Here's the ridiculous part I learned when I was taking care of him daily.....because of all the home health care businesses abusing the system, Medicare will only provide home health care IF the patient has a chance to improve. If they don't, like my dad, you are literally on your own. So any home care would be 100% out of pocket which neither he nor I can afford. I remember when we first brought him home after the paralysis, I thought he had great insurance (he really does) and that i'd have help at least a couple of times a week. I was so very wrong. They came out twice a week for the first month, were there for an hour each time, then told me they couldn't come back since he wasn't going to improve. So for literal years, it was just me, every day.

The home he's in cannot stop him, if he's mentally sound. Which he is as far as tests are concerned. During one of his off his meds episodes, he was so out of his mind at the hospital he begged me to break his toe so I could go to heaven, because the Japanese people in his hospital room that were silently hanging doilies everywhere, told him that.....but then he took the mental acuity test hospitals give like an hour after that and he passed.

Honestly, if I thought he was going to go home to take his own life so he could die on his own terms, I wouldn't;t fight him. But he's going to go home so he can slowly rot away and I have to rush there and find him.

The Japanese don't believe that breaking a toe let's you go to heaven like most people who work with the general public they simply developed a deep malevolence towards other people.