In the case of Discord, it's been people that I've been on the same server with for one reason or another. They've got your Discord username by default and they're able to link you to the character you're playing with minimal effort. I use a public server when I pug M+ sometimes and they decided to follow me in and message the people in the channel about what I "shitlord" I was. One of those happened to be my Sister - She thought it was funny, go figure.
Reddit is the same story, they already know your username and you're just a DM away if people want to contact you.
I've got no idea how they got hold of the email, but it's the one I use almost exclusively for FF14, so it was in the inbox for 12 months before I even noticed it. My account has TFA enabled, so I'm not overly concerned about it's security for the moment, but it's still a loose end I've not tied up.
The zero tolerance policy is helping to take the abusing messaging out of the game, but it's pushing it into another channel instead. One where Squenix have little to no control. I'm not saying that's a bad thing - It's almost certainly doing more good than it is harm. But a situation like this in any other game would be one where player A calls player B a "Shitlord", player B tells them to "Fuck off!" and they both ignore each other and go about their business.
I think some of this is FF14 being positioned as the rival to WoW - Every other game that's been in that position has always tried to push that their community was so much better than WoW's. If the players think the main draw is that they're, in some vauge and undefined way, better than WoW's player base then they hold that as a twisted badge of honour. WAR did it, Rift did it, even Wildstar tried it.
Anyone who gives off the impression of being less than a fantastic and wonderful human being is told to "go back to WoW!" and brow beaten for it.
It's a strange concept to try put into words for certain.
It's a situation I've seen go both ways though. I've seen so many eager and enthusiastic people wanting to help newcomers in almost every setting. I've seen players in the FGC have fights over who gets to teach the new player, 6 guys crowding around a power rack trying to show the new guy how to squat in the gym and people crowding around kids with instruments all wanting to teach them how to play.
I think that can be just as off putting as complete indifference.
I try to keep things matter of fact. I won't wrap players in cotton wool or dress things up in RP, I'll just tell it as it is. You run in for the purple eyes, run away for the blue eyes. It may not always come across that way in text form and I appreciate that people reading it are going to put their own spin on it.
It's an issue I'm aware of, but I need to communicate quickly and clearly to people for work and it's a hard habit to break.
A point well made, though I rarely see any in game chat at all in either game so I can't really comment as much as I'd like to. The last time I saw a conversation in public chat in WoW it was about Die Hard 4.0. All I tend to see in FF14 are FC adverts, peppered with the occasional direct whisper and unsolicited invite.
I very rarely go to a city in FF14 though so I probably miss most of the chit chat.
I accept that sometimes mistakes happen and those cause wipes. When someone is constantly making the same mistake which is leading to a wipes at the same point of the encounter, thats when I jump in with a quick once over of what needs to change.
I don't tiptoe around issue and thats what lands me in trouble. I am who I am though, faults and all.
It comes back to the point I made earlier about risk. The person who's offering up feedback is potentially risking a ban for giving another player some help. That creates such a one sided power dynamic that it's often safer to keep quiet than make yourself a target.
The fact that you can't send people a private message in a dungeon is a huge barrier here too. Any discussion has to be done in public, where everyone can see and that's not always the best place to give feedback. Even if the person you're trying to address is receptive to the feedback others may not see it that way.
As for it not being game specific, I 100% agree on that point. People seem to have forgotten that constructive criticism is a thing that can exist. It means people want things to be better, and that's always from a place of personal investment rather than negativity.