The Logistics of a Breakup (5years)

[Mazi]

So, I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years (ages 19-24) and am thinking about breaking it off (for many reasons) - has anyone been in such a long relationship where you've lived together for the entire time and everything in your life is "shared" and nothing is really "you" or "him/her"? What were the logistics of your breakup?

Additions:


I have not yet told him... but I have decided it needs to be done.

Hmm. I went through a very similar situation. I met him when I was 19. We were together until we were 24. Lived together almost the entire time.
However, I think I let the relationship drag out for about 18 months longer than it should have? Why? Well, I didn't want to hurt him, and I knew that my ending the relationship was going to cause a great deal of hurt, no matter how I went about it.
Eventually realised that making myself miserable and resenting him was not going to make things better.

Anyhow, it came to a head one night during yet another row.
Angry words were exchanged, and he said something along the lines of: No one is forcing you to stay.
It just stopped me in my tracks. I fell silent for a few minutes, and then told him that it was over and that I was leaving - I wasn't happy and had not been for a long time, and it was time to call it a day.
He was hurt and upset and asked me to reconsider. I didn't.
I packed some things and went to my parents place the next day.
Went back the following weekend with my mum and packed up my own personal belongings and moved the back to my folks. I helped him out financially for a couple of months until he got a lodger (suddenly having to pay all bills solo when they've previously been divided in two would have placed him in financial difficulty, and I'm not that nasty.) I left all the furniture etc there with him, I just wanted out, with my own things. You may not be in a position to do that - I was lucky enough to have supportive parents to help me through the transition phase.
Changed the passwords to my online banking, email account, wow account etc.

My advice: Do it fast and do it clean. Talk with him, tell him what is going on and get the hell outta there.
My brother's ex-girlfriend cleared out their house while he was at work. That's about the most low-life, cowardly, c**tish way anyone could possibly end a relationship.

This sounds exactly like my situation.. we've just grown apart.. and I honestly should have left 2 years ago when I first noticed it but I didn't want to hurt him and because he helped me immensely financially through college I just couldn't bring myself to do it... And the logistics of splitting everything up still scares the crap out of me... sighhhhhhhh



So now the question is... do I wait until after the holidays? I told him for now I just need some space...

[Catta]

So, I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years (ages 19-24) and am thinking about breaking it off (for many reasons) - has anyone been in such a long relationship where you've lived together for the entire time and everything in your life is "shared" and nothing is really "you" or "him/her"? What were the logistics of your breakup?

you gotta sit down with him after the break up and decide what should go to whom, but as you are the one breaking up you should let him have that of high sentimental value to both of you

[SofreshnsoClean]

The best thing to do is be amicable, but make a clean cut. If you're the one making the decision to split, you might have to take a loss if you intend to actually break up. Often times, you have to just let a lot of things go so you can move on. My best advice is discuss it fairly, take anything that is obviously yours, and anything that generates a major argument, let go. You can always buy new crap. When you're breaking up, keep in mind this person has been in your life for 5 years. You need to be careful to change passwords etc so they can not cause any damage. Regardless of how much you trust someone, people act like lunatics when they're hurt. Unless you own the place you're in, you're probably better off moving and staying with friends or family until you find another place. It's better they don't know where you are so they can't come cause drama.

[Devilishinc]

I am also interested in this... Only I'm thinking of divorcing my wife of 10 years. Oh and we have a 2 year old.

[Cancerboss]

So, I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years (ages 19-24) and am thinking about breaking it off (for many reasons) - has anyone been in such a long relationship where you've lived together for the entire time and everything in your life is "shared" and nothing is really "you" or "him/her"? What were the logistics of your breakup?

I actually went through the same thing. We just kinda grew apart over the years. Alot depends on if it was a calm break up or if it was "crazy". If it was a calm understanding adult separation then i offer my opinion. Bank accounts both go in and get completly new accounts. Figure out who will move out(usually the one more financial stable should move out and take the heavier load if you guys still love one another as friends) once that is done, it is usually best to nex communication for a few months until you can both bare to see your other with another. Let me know a lil more details with regard to the break up and i can offer more.

[Kerath]

So, I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years (ages 19-24) and am thinking about breaking it off (for many reasons) - has anyone been in such a long relationship where you've lived together for the entire time and everything in your life is "shared" and nothing is really "you" or "him/her"? What were the logistics of your breakup?

Hmm. I went through a very similar situation. I met him when I was 19. We were together until we were 24. Lived together almost the entire time.
However, I think I let the relationship drag out for about 18 months longer than it should have? Why? Well, I didn't want to hurt him, and I knew that my ending the relationship was going to cause a great deal of hurt, no matter how I went about it.
Eventually realised that making myself miserable and resenting him was not going to make things better.

Anyhow, it came to a head one night during yet another row.
Angry words were exchanged, and he said something along the lines of: No one is forcing you to stay.
It just stopped me in my tracks. I fell silent for a few minutes, and then told him that it was over and that I was leaving - I wasn't happy and had not been for a long time, and it was time to call it a day.
He was hurt and upset and asked me to reconsider. I didn't.
I packed some things and went to my parents place the next day.
Went back the following weekend with my mum and packed up my own personal belongings and moved the back to my folks. I helped him out financially for a couple of months until he got a lodger (suddenly having to pay all bills solo when they've previously been divided in two would have placed him in financial difficulty, and I'm not that nasty.) I left all the furniture etc there with him, I just wanted out, with my own things. You may not be in a position to do that - I was lucky enough to have supportive parents to help me through the transition phase.
Changed the passwords to my online banking, email account, wow account etc.

My advice: Do it fast and do it clean. Talk with him, tell him what is going on and get the hell outta there.
My brother's ex-girlfriend cleared out their house while he was at work. That's about the most low-life, cowardly, c**tish way anyone could possibly end a relationship.

[Silhouette of Seraphim]

I am also interested in this... Only I'm thinking of divorcing my wife of 10 years. Oh and we have a 2 year old.

Know those paychecks you enjoy?

Will become a thing of the past.

[Narcotix729]

Know those paychecks you enjoy?

Will become a thing of the past.

What he said. :/

[logintime]

Know those paychecks you enjoy?

Will become a thing of the past.

Not if he has custody of the child; then it's the other way around. But yeah, divorce can be a massive financial drain. People forget how expensive it can be to live single.

[rofltroll]

Know those paychecks you enjoy?

Will become a thing of the past.

This man speaks the truth. /sigh

Best of luck to you with custody and child support, that is an emotionally and financially draining process.

[Deleted]

I've not been through this, but a friend of mine went through it with his girlfriend. They met in the first week at uni (they got put in the same flat) and were together for five years, shared a place in London.

I can only echo everybody here saying make it clean. My friend didn't, because he's a bit of a twat. Essentially he came to visit one weekend and said he was considering breaking up with her, because he didn't want to be tied down for the rest of his life, that he felt he should do some living. I advised him that he should tell her this, be honest with her, and try to make it as uncomplicated as possible. Instead, he told her, then had sex with her, then changed his mind again, then told her, then they had more sex. Then he seemed to finally clarify things, and they told her family (who emigrated to Australia a couple of years ago). Then he started sleeping with another girl, and the breakup seemed to be more or less final, until it came time for a prearranged holiday to Australia. Despite assuring me he had no intention of going on it a week before it was meant to happen, he did actually go on it. Then got back, then dumped her, slept with her, slept with this other girl, got turned on by all their mutual friends and slept with his (now ex) girlfriend one more time, before finally she told him to fuck off. Did I mention he's a twat? Anyway, whatever you do, don't do that.

[Mazi]

I have not yet told him... but I have decided it needs to be done.

Hmm. I went through a very similar situation. I met him when I was 19. We were together until we were 24. Lived together almost the entire time.
However, I think I let the relationship drag out for about 18 months longer than it should have? Why? Well, I didn't want to hurt him, and I knew that my ending the relationship was going to cause a great deal of hurt, no matter how I went about it.
Eventually realised that making myself miserable and resenting him was not going to make things better.

Anyhow, it came to a head one night during yet another row.
Angry words were exchanged, and he said something along the lines of: No one is forcing you to stay.
It just stopped me in my tracks. I fell silent for a few minutes, and then told him that it was over and that I was leaving - I wasn't happy and had not been for a long time, and it was time to call it a day.
He was hurt and upset and asked me to reconsider. I didn't.
I packed some things and went to my parents place the next day.
Went back the following weekend with my mum and packed up my own personal belongings and moved the back to my folks. I helped him out financially for a couple of months until he got a lodger (suddenly having to pay all bills solo when they've previously been divided in two would have placed him in financial difficulty, and I'm not that nasty.) I left all the furniture etc there with him, I just wanted out, with my own things. You may not be in a position to do that - I was lucky enough to have supportive parents to help me through the transition phase.
Changed the passwords to my online banking, email account, wow account etc.

My advice: Do it fast and do it clean. Talk with him, tell him what is going on and get the hell outta there.
My brother's ex-girlfriend cleared out their house while he was at work. That's about the most low-life, cowardly, c**tish way anyone could possibly end a relationship.

This sounds exactly like my situation.. we've just grown apart.. and I honestly should have left 2 years ago when I first noticed it but I didn't want to hurt him and because he helped me immensely financially through college I just couldn't bring myself to do it... And the logistics of splitting everything up still scares the crap out of me... sighhhhhhhh



So now the question is... do I wait until after the holidays? I told him for now I just need some space...

[handsdown]

My ex boyfriend told me he wanted a break / needed space. Never offically broke it off really - imo, telling someone that is just being cowardly and selfish because it leaves the other person hanging on and hoping and it really, really hurts. So yeah, do him a favor and just be up front. But don't let anything he's done for you make you feel guilty. If he truly did it out of kindness, he won't throw it back in your face

[Deleted]

Know those paychecks you enjoy?

Will become a thing of the past.

I always failed to see the reasoning behind this. What's the point of paying alimony to your ex? I totally see the point in child support, but paying for your ex spouse.. what?


Also to not derail the thread: You gotta do what you gotta do. No point in waiting if you've made up your mind as you won't continue as normal anyway and he will most likely sense something isn't right. I was in a similar situation and I chose to let her take almost everything, apart from what I brought into the relationship from my past, simply due to the fact that it's really nice with a fresh start. Of course, at the time I had the financial means to do so. Maybe you do, too?

Also, I find it a lot easier to get a new stack of DVDs rather than pointless bickering about who gets what, wouldn't you say?

Also also: don't leave the door open. You're either in or out - it's not fair to someone who loves you to give them a false sense of hope, even if you're doing it in good faith.
It might leave them hoping or counting on something that won't happen and will ultimately only slow them down in moving on with life.

[Kerath]

I have not yet told him... but I have decided it needs to be done.



This sounds exactly like my situation.. we've just grown apart.. and I honestly should have left 2 years ago when I first noticed it but I didn't want to hurt him and because he helped me immensely financially through college I just couldn't bring myself to do it... And the logistics of splitting everything up still scares the crap out of me... sighhhhhhhh



So now the question is... do I wait until after the holidays? I told him for now I just need some space...

Indeed, he wasn't a bad guy, we just weren't suited (although he did some shitty things, I chalk that up to immaturity).

Personally I would get it over and done with. Leaving him hanging is cruel (even though it's tough to see it that way when you're in this situation), it means he's building up false hope. It's not a nice time to break up with someone just before the holidays, but if you wait until after, he'll have built up the hope that everything is hunky-dory again and you'll continue the relationship. Which will make it all the more hurtful when you break the news.

If you want to PM me, I'm happy to chat with you about this a little more privately.
Stay strong and keep your chin up. It'll work out best for both of you in the end.

All the best.

---------- Post added 2011-11-28 at 12:37 PM ----------

Also, I find it a lot easier to get a new stack of DVDs rather than pointless bickering about who gets what, wouldn't you say?

Also also: don't leave the door open. You're either in or out - it's not fair to someone who loves you to give them a false sense of hope, even if you're doing it in good faith.
It might leave them hoping or counting on something that won't happen and will ultimately only slow them down in moving on with life.

This is very good advice!

[inux94]

I have not yet told him... but I have decided it needs to be done.



This sounds exactly like my situation.. we've just grown apart.. and I honestly should have left 2 years ago when I first noticed it but I didn't want to hurt him and because he helped me immensely financially through college I just couldn't bring myself to do it... And the logistics of splitting everything up still scares the crap out of me... sighhhhhhhh



So now the question is... do I wait until after the holidays? I told him for now I just need some space...

I know it's hard, but I would advise you to do it before the holidays, you'd get more time alone to get the worst of the feelings out before the holiday is over, cause after the holidays etc you need to start working again and you won't really be able to concentrate at work after a breakup

Just my personal opinion

[Twoflower]

I always failed to see the reasoning behind this. What's the point of paying alimony to your ex? I totally see the point in child support, but paying for your ex spouse.. what?

She hardly can go and work while she is taking care of your child, can she ? Maybe once the child is in its teens you can start paying less for your wife.

[Silhouette of Seraphim]

She hardly can go and work while she is taking care of your child, can she ? Maybe once the child is in its teens you can start paying less for your wife.

And yet plenty of women do just that.

Saying that you can't is just lazy. There's plenty of ways.

[Grym]

If you are to break up with someone, do NOT let time be a factor to stop you.

If you let "but I have already been with him for 5 years" stop you, that "time" will only get longer, next year it will be "but I have already been with him for 6 years" and so on.

Stay with him if you love him, see how it is if you see chance for improvement, if you don't see any improvement, or see any future with him, break it up.

[Lansworthy]

You now say "I'm" but instead you say "we're".
I understand you want individualtity, but the fact that you've gotten to that mark where you recognize yourselves as we instead of me and him, is pretty great.

I just don't understand why you would want to totally break-up over that. Take a break yes, like a girls weekend or some shit, but completely breaking up over something easily fixed as some alone time is pretty remarkable.

EDIT: I read your addition, so you're telling us you stayed with this dude, because he was like a sugar daddy and helped pay for your College? Obviously he thinks the relationship is great, and you saw/see it as more of a convenience, I feel sorry for this guy, I honestly do...

Just break up with him now, so he can maybe get over it by the age of 40.